The Phillies won last night, the city went crazy. I just sat there and all I remember is his hat, his Phillies hat, in the middle of the street after he was shot, with blood streaming down and he's on the pavement but the hat, the always zoomed in on the hat. He'd be so happy, out there yelling and going crazy with all his friends. I cried at the computer last night remembering how I bought him that hat just a few weeks before, and I bout him another one to bury him with it. He loved baseball hats, he always had to get a new one, this one, that one, LOL, of course his favorite was his Steeler's I still have that one.

Then my 20 y/o is having hard time now. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's been taking money from me, and I give him money to go out on, but when you sneak it and don't tell me and I think I have more and then when I go to pay my bills and that money is not there, then he gets aletter in the mail failing 2 classes. I worked so hard to let them back in last year because of what happened. Of course under the circumstances they redid his academic standing and his financial aid and al, but if he doesn't bring his GPA up he'll lose it all and I can't do no more. Last night after he came home all excited about the Phillies winning and I went to bed, he went back out. About 3AM I hear sobbing, I wake up and it's him sobbing away like crazy, I feel so bad, this poor kid is falling apart, his grades are slipping again and he feels like he has no friends (and he does really) but the girl he liked they don't talk anymore, and I try and tell him it will be ok, and it's ok to cry and feel this way, it's normal. but I'm breaking inside and he doesn't sleep good either. I left him a note, I copied some things from POMC site about grief and all. Then I find more money missing. What is going on here? Now I have a new loan to start paying in November and I was trying to budget myself, well that's all out the window now. I'm a mess, all I feel like doing today is cry. I want to go home, I don't want to be here at work. My heart hurts so bad today, my baby is gone and I see that **** hat in the street with all that blood I see it and everyone is so happy the phillies won. Big parade Friday, so glad I'm off, the city down here will be nuts. Now my 20 y/o I don't know what to do with him, I'm always there for my boys thru thick and thin, why does he not see that he is not only hurting me taking my money, but hurting us. Is this part of grief??? and my other son starts his new program on Friday, tomorrow so I'm worried about him. I'm falling apart here ladies, and don't know what to do. I wrote m son a note this morning and told him to take advantage of the counselors in school. Oh I've got to go, I'm crying and at work, need to hit the ladies room. Pray for me please, I'm so sad, I feel like my life is just falling to pieces.

God Bless you Bette, this is such a hard time I know.You lost a son and every event that's should be happy will be depressing for now, it's grieving , it's an awful thing to live with that's why were here, I know how you feel , my son too would be over the moon ,when his teams win, now the sporting events make my heart hurt to the point I feel sick, I guess it's speaks to the phrase, more than one life is destroyed when a child is murdered
You are in my prayers,stay the strong women your Timmy knows you are. God Bless You......Jackie Tommy's momma

Bette, I know it's hard, and I hope you can get some rest soon. But I think you need to take you and your 20 yr old to a grief counselor or get some other kind of help. He's acting out with the stealing and you need to get a handle on it now. Kids handle tragedy in alot of ways and it will only get worse and worse if you don't take care of it. I know you feel bad, but you have to deal with the living, they are suffering and need your help. I don't mean to preach, but it's very serious.

xxooxxoo & huggs
Donna, Randy's mom

BETTY MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU .JOANN HUBERT MOM.

Bette, my prayers are with you. I think your 20 year old is acting out too. I know it is hard. We mourn but have to be there for our living children and it can be hard to step back from the grief to deal with the child who is left. My son is 12 and I notice that he gets more sullen some days and is very emotional and quick to anger. Not him at all. Of course he is a preteen too so we have to watch for what is age related and try to figure out what might be grief related. I notice that, like today, he heard us talking about this boy being brought back to LA and knew we were wondering about arraignment. He seemed to be very sullen today. I asked him what was bothering him and he didn't know. He finally talked to me and said he was just mad at this boy for taking his sister. Of course him still being a minor I can have a little more control, but maybe you can enlist your sons friends and ask them to help you know when he seems to be falling. I hope he will talk to a grief counselor. He is hurting too. I know it is hard for you right now. I keep you in my prayers. I hope that there is some relief even if only temporary. My thoughts are with you and hopefully your son will accept help for dealing with his pain. I wish I had an answer or something to say to make everything better, but I will hold you and your sons up in prayer. {{hugs}}

hi ms.bette,u are in my heart and prayer's,the pain is so hard to bare at times,i know how u feel,tony loves thanksgiving,and now everything about it get's so depressing each day,thing's that was fun and happy for our kid's are now sad times,tony loved sport's hat's,horses,and yes loved to eat!!!my heart is with u,but know your angel memories will forever be with u!!!hug's!!

Well I broke down again last night and told my one son that I was sorry he had to deal with the brunt of my pain as my oldest son is away. I told him that he should remember that he is young and can have a good life and that Timmy would be so proud of him, not to do things that would only ruin his life but make himself proud of what he can accomplish. I think it hit home, I don't cry alot in front of him because I don't want him to feel that pain, but I did last night and I said it was ok to cry and he can cry and talk to me anytime that I'd be ok, that I needed to know that him and his brother will be ok too. He told me he would be ok and that he is just messing up right now. It's hard with the holidays. He is a good kid, always was. But he has been the only one to see me fall apart, he is the only one here with me, I just needed him to know that Timmy would be so proud of him going to school and joining the Guard and to better his life and remember how Timmy would be so happy for him. Today is Halloween. Big parade downtown for the Phillies, I still see that red Phillies hat I bought him laying in the street, it tears me apart. he would be so happy he'd go to the parade, it would have been so exciting for him. We haven't had a victory parade here in a very long time and the city is over joyed and my baby is missing it all. I want to go to the cemetary today, I did put things down already, so I think I might not go. I think I'm getting sick so good day to be home from work. I have 2 parties this weekend, and doubt I'll go to the one my friend has every Halloween as Timmy went with me every year. I just can't do it, I can't sit there and pretend I'm having fun knowing he is not with me. I hope that makes sense.

Thank you all for being here for me.

God Bless
Bette
Timmy's mom

Bette
I think Timmy didn't miss the parade I think he was right in the middle of it having a great time. I believe our children are with us and know everything that is going on.
The night of the 28th after the sentencing I was laying on the sofa watching TV I was sleepy and had closed my eyes all of a sudden I felt Jim I saw him in my mind sitting on the end of the sofa he was wearing his ca-mo shorts and a white T shirt Jim was famous for size M white T shirts they showed his muscles off and fit snug around his arms Jim had a great build. Anyway he was just sitting there watching tv all kicked back like he was very satisfied. Every now and then he would look over at me. I feel like he knows he can finally rest.
HUGS Jim's mom Shirley

Shirley you gave me goose bumps. I do believe they watch over us. Many times I've had things happen that were no explanation but that. This has been a hard week to get thru. So many things going on at the same time and then Halloween. Just a mess here.

Take care
Love ya all
Bette
Timmy's mom

Dear Bette
I was wondering where everyone was from and just found out you were from Phillie too.I felt what you were feeling the night of the Phillies win.Only problem was that I work overnight shift at Methodist hospital in the er and I was working.I didn't want any part of the celebration as I don't celebrate things anymore and all I saw was the sheer nasty split open heads from the fools who only like causing pain to others.I cried in work all night.Thank God I work with a crew who is used to me breaking down several times a night.Your son Timmy's Phillies hat is a sad reminder of the boy who wore it.Hang in there because your son is celebrating every day now not just a stupid championship.It is us MOMS that have to learn to celebrate their new life,where no harm can come to them and they will be forever young and happy.Big talk from someone who is living on the edge herself.Well I keep you and your family in my prayers as I hope you will me and mine.All children are different and they react differently of this I am finding out.My other 4 children are having a hard time coping and I don't know that I can help them fully as I can't seem to help myself much but I will always be there for them and they know it and you seem like you are there for your children and believe me they know that too.Talking is the best form of communication but when that fails I write them letters just to let them know how much I know they are hurting and how much I care.Hugs your way Barb/Nicky's MOM