Yesterday was a bad one. I went to Modell's the sporting goods store. To pick up thermals for my son who is away as I'm going to see him today. Well I always took Timmy there all the time, just 2 weeks or so befor he was killed I bought him a Phillies hat, it's what is shown on the news from that night, his red Phillies hat lying in the middle of the street with blood streaming down from around it. Well everyone is in there because of the Phillies being in the World series, Phillies stuff everywhere, I remember buying him another hat to bury him in, with his Steeler's shirt as he loved them too! When I went outside I got to the parking lot and rememered how I'd take him to the T-mobile store he'd beg me for $5 to put music on his phone. and it just hit me out of no where I could barely make it to my car, I was glad it was raining I sat in my car for 10-15 mins. just sobbing and couldn't stop. It took everything out of me. Then last night I just went out for a bit with one of my friends to watch the game, it was delayed for 90 mins due to the rain, I only stayed 2 hours, I came home and cried and cried, I couldn't sleep I layed there and the thoughts racing through my head. I can't stand this, I can't sleep, what little sleep I do get. I'm tired all the time, my body hurts and aches. I just sat on my bed crying and i tried to watch tv, and that didn't help, so I just finally after a while must have just finally fallen asleep probably around 1 or 2 am. Then up all night tossing and turning. How can we get on with our lives when it just hurts to bad???? I know after I see my son and hopefully it turns to be a good visit, I won't be able to do much today, I can't even get myself to clean, my house is a mess, I try I really do, my other son is supposed to help me paint and fix it up so pretty soon I can move. Then I have the crazy g/f of the guy who was with Timmy, she keeps calling my house again, I wont answer the phone, what's so important she needs to bug me? When i find out she is going to most likely back up her brother what does she want me to say toher, "I'm sorry your brother killed my son"?????? Oh God help me, I know I'm going to lose it one day, I feel it coming on, and believe me I keep a lot back and I know I will go nuts, they will send me away!!!!

I don't even know what to do anymore with myself. I'm a mess

thanks for listening

God Bless
Bette
Timmy's mom

Bette
Once court starts you will calm down a bit I was the same way just before the trial. Then all my energy went into making sure Jim got some justice, the trial was hard listening to all the lies and crap the defence was saying about Jim but in my heart I knew this POS was going to go down. It took a long time for the police to arrest these guys for Timmy's murder so I am thinking they must have made a pretty good case, if the DA didn't think he/she could win this the detectives would have been told to make a better case. You will stay strong for Timmy I know because I stayed strong for my Jim even though I thought I would just fall apart.
I to have to make myself clean my house I am looking at windows and thinking I need to do them but I just really don't care about to much of anything right now.
Love and Hugs to you
Jimmy's mom Shirley

Bette I understand the triggers. I had to go buy my son some jeans since he has outgrown everything and walking in the store, we had to walk past the Juniors clothes. I stopped and started shaking. I was thinking, I never get to do this with her again. I never get to have a mother/daughter day and shop with her. I walked past looking and saying to myself, "She'd hate that, and that but I think she might like that." It hurt to know that I won't get to do that with my baby girl again. Then the other day I had to go get a pair of shoes since the puppies ate mine because I have been too tired to even put my shoes up, and I walked past Bucca de Beppo. That was the last place we all went out to dinner. It was for her 20th birthday in March. I sat on a bench there just remembering the conversation and what she ate and the laughing and her asking, :When do I get my present?" :) I didn't think I was going to make it to the car. Every place we have been haunts me. Every new thing we do makes me want her there to experience it. Tonight we are going to see Wicked and I love and appreciate my husband for thinking of me, but it is bittersweet because Kaylin wanted to go see it too. My husband doesn't understand that I like musicals, but Kaylin liked them too. We sat and watched Chicago, Moulin Rouge, Chorus Line when they were on tv. We would make popcorn and sing along with them. When we saw the commercials for Wicked we both wanted to see it. So, tonight I will be thinking how much I want her there to see it with me. I really don't know if I will be able to make it through without bawling.
Keep hanging in there for Jimmy. Focus on justice for him. That is the only thing I can do some days. I am afraid when the trial part is over because I am focusing on her justice and when that is gone, what will I focus on then? It isn't fair that we have to go through this. I hate it. None of us should have to experience this pain everyday of our lives. Hold on and remember we are here going through it with you. Sometimes it feels like I am alone in an empty room, but I know that all of you are out there prbly feeling the same way. I understand about holding back. I am with you, if I ever let it out I may not make it back. It's like a door that you know you cannot fully open or you'll be buried with what is behind it. Know that I am praying for you and that I am here for you. Sending hugs to you Bette.

Bette,hang in there,don't let these people take any
thing more from you.It sounds like you knew them,so they knew what they were doing & what it would do to you.Hang in there & do everthing you can to get justice for your son. We as mom's can do no more.The rest we have to put in God's hands.Please don't let them take anything more from you.

Bobbie Billy Lee's mom

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I appreciate it, it makes me feel so much better coming here and saying things that I don't really say to anyone else because they just don't understand it. It was a hard weekend to get thru, i think a lot of it is because Halloween is coming and it was his favorite and my friend always has this big party for Halloween and I'd take him and a friend with us every year and it's this weekend 11/1 I didn't go last year and don't think I can this year either. It's just not the same, brings back to many memories and I know I'll just end up crying and having to leave. I did ask my one son maybe he could go with me, he went with me to the Christmas party, but he has drill this weekend. sigh.....

God Bless
Bette
Timmy's mom

Hi Bette,
I think we all moms here are a mess. Well, at least I know I am! I think about my son constantly. From the time he was a baby to the time of the last night that I was with him. It's funny how some days of the week you think of one particular thing. Like on Sundays when I am comming back from church I always think about that Sunday when I was comming home from church and pulling into my driveway and I was on my cell phone with my daughter we were talking about my son wondering where he had spent the night...and the detective knocking on my window asking if he could speak to me.Driving by restuarnts remembering the last time we ate there. The park down from my house...sometimes when I have the energy to take a walk I go there and I can picture him sitting there fishing. I too, don't go out anymore. I go to work, church and stay inside most of the time. Nothing is enjoyable anymore. I feel so old, ugly and tired. But Bette...we need to stay strong for our sons. I am sure they would not want us to give up. They know what strong moms we were and we have to continue to be that. For them. As long as I know I have you moms to lean on...I am going to be o.k. May God bring peace and comfort to your heart Bette. My prayers are always with you and Timmy. Sending you some hugs. {{{Bette}}}

Thank you so much Angie, yes I too do the same thing. I have to drive past many days where it happened, I bless myself every time and think why do i go down this street? I can go out of the way to go to the store but I still see it, it's still in front of me no matter which way I go. Thsi is why I want to move, and get away from those other families those monster(s) families. Any time I go somewhere Timmy always pops in my mind, rembering this or that, everything around me reminds me of him. I think I'm going crazy because I just can't seem to take much more. I cried so hard on Sat. all day and night. How much my life feels drained from me.

I'm so glad I have you moms to talk to. I'd go nuts if I didn't.

God bless you all
Bette
Timmy's mom