I wanted to thank you all again for all the support. The emails, the posts on John's site, I've been really down but, I have not drank for nearly a week, nothing. Actually It's been 5 days. I tapered down and it seemed to help. I hope I don't go back but the grieving and the pain of knowing John, Julie and all are gone it just seems too hard. I have told you all in emails that I will do it on my own with your help and I truely believe that. Yes, I'm praying again and reading my bible. I can't talk to Chris, they won't let me. I can only write to John Daddy my brother. He is still in a lot of pain. He says the only thing that keeps him going is knowing that some how justice will through. He can't go to any of the court hearings. I don't even know what's happening. Jo Jo is in and out of the hospital for drinking and still can't cope. Jimmy has been going out now with his friends. The only contact I have with what is happening in the court is the Arizona Supreme court website. That's it. I want to find out more but have no way of doing it. I'm going crazy.
Yes I want to drink. That's all I think about starting at about 4pm. I do know that if I make it home, I won't drink. I make myself get busy. I do all kinds of crazy things but so far it's working. I met the crazy man's wife. The guy from down stairs. I was so shocked. She is Hispanic and lived in Arizona and Texas. I told her I didn't like her husband and she said, it's ok, I don't like him very much anymore either. We laughed so hard! I found out we go to the same Church. I'm going Sunday. Anyway, One day at a time for not drinking and one day at a time for grieving. But our kids never, ever leave my mind. My precious John lost everything because he trusted the wrong people. I hope to God they don't get out free.
Thanks for listening again.
I'm glad you are doing better, was kind of worried about you. Try to remember that booze is a depressant and only makes it worse. I don't think the crying ever stops. Hey, Randy's girlfriend who was with him when he got killed (her fault he was even there!) got married last Tuesday, 2 says from the 1 year point! Nice. His ex Debbie is in and out of the hospital, she's losing her mind. Got herself hooked up on Vicodon and drinking to try and cope. I wish her well and pray for her to recover, they were together for years.
Well, chin up and keep busy it really helps.
Donna, Randy's mom
Patricia I'm so glad that you are doing a bit better, even a little bit is good! I know that when are thoughts get tangled there is nothing that helps, even drinking or for me taking my pills that help me sleep, sometimes I still don't sleep I toss & turn all night or wake up all thru the night. Just take one day at a time. We have court in Dec. for my son, it's been over a year before thye made the arrests. I think my anxiety is so high now with this coming up and then the holidays, and my oldest should be going to his rpogram soon. I worry about everything all the time, I always feel tightness in my chest sometimes I think I have lung cancer cause I smoke so I worry about that too, that there is soemthing wrong with me. OMG it's just to much to deal with. Coming here and talking and getting things off your soul helps a lot. It doesn't take the pain away, but at least you know you are not alone and you have people who you can reach out to. I do hope you find some peace and comfort. Take care of yourself, I always tell myself my son would not want to see me suffer or cry or be unhappy and it's hard not to feel that way but it does help on some days to think he wouldn't want me like this and I stop for him.
Thanks for thinking of me. It's so hard to get out of bed when you're sober. I just want to stay curled up with my dog. Can you believe I prayed this morning. Maybe, just maybe I can get some of my old lilfe back. I know the pain is still here, the hate, I can't help it. I still can't forgive them for killing John, it was just to horrible of a death for him. I can close my eyes and see it happening to me and I hold my breath. Poor baby had to suffer like that. If I could just get past that, then maybe just maybe I could get some rest from it all. I even ask myself who he would be voting for. What would he be doing, where would he be working. Would he be married to Sally. Would they have a baby on the way. All of this gone. No wonder I started drinking so much. I really had a hard time last night. I cut my hair, it looks like a goat got hold of me. I don't care. At first I just started to cut a few hairs that were in my eyes. Then I cut a little too much on one side, then tried to even it up. I could just hear John laughing at me. He loved Halloween, he just loved dressing up really scary, I did to. It was fun. Well, my hair looks nasty so I guess that's my costume this year.
Sorry I go on so much. I get lonely, this was the first time in over 20 years I didn't get a call on my Birthday from John. JoJo and Jimmy didn't call either. It was always John who remembered. Oh God.
I think about all you Mom's. My heart stays heavy.
love and kisses
I am glad to hear you are better 5 days is great I can’t stop smoking for one. I have times when I close my eyes I see my Jimmy in his casket or curled in a fetal position on his neighbors porch. No matter how hard I try I can’t get the image out of my head so sleep is pretty much out for the night.
Sentencing is set for next Tuesday for the POS that murdered my son I think that will bring some peace of mind just wish I could get some peace of heart.
You hang in there you are doing great just like you said one day at a time.
Sending much love and bunches of hugs your way.
Jimmy’s Mom Shirley
Bette I have that tightness too. I keep thinking, don't let me have a heart attack before I see justice for her. My son has been sick too so i am back and forth with finding out information and pushing for Kaylin and taking care of him. Some days it seems like more than I can take. I find myself so focused on trying to get justice for her so I don't have to think. At night I still find myself unable to sleep until I drop. Today at work while being happy that he is now in custody I found my thoughts turning to "My baby is gone." I could feel it whelming up and pushing up and I thought I was going to hyper ventilate trying not to lose it at work. I try to wait until I am alone to cry. I have thought to, what happens when the trial is over? I know that will most likely take years, but I think, what will I do then? For now I get up for my son and to make sure that Kaylin gets justice. I know I can never have her back and I can't stand the thought of that. In some ways I feel like I try not to think because it feels almost like their is a door in my brain and if I open that door I might go crazy. I miss her so much. Some days I think I live in denial to much. I want my baby back so bad. I just want to see her and hold her again. I miss her so much. My God, I miss her. I am hearing at work how strong I am and I think, if you only knew how I was when I am alone. I know that when people ask how I am now that most of them don't want an answer other then fine or good. The truth would make them uncomfortable. I hear that now I can have closure. I won't ever have closure because to me that means the problem is over and this will never end for us. I feel so many conflicting emotions right now. All I know is that losing my baby has taken part of my soul and I can put on the smile, laugh at your joke and carry on a conversation with someone but deep in my heart while I am listening to them talk, I am thinking of her. At the grocery store the lady had to say, "Ma'am" several times before I realized I had zoned out while waiting for my lunch meat. Sometimes I wonder how I got from work to home because I don't remember the drive. I used to be so detail oriented and now I find I am overlooking things. My husband told me about a training he was going to and I don't remember him telling me at all. I used to have a good memory. I used to have a lot of things I don't anymore. I used to have a daughter. Sorry I got off topic again.
I'm the same way, I thought it was because I was drinking so much. I thought it was only me. I can tell you one thing. John comes to me in my dreams and every second that I'm awake I thinkg of him or Julie or Benny it never stops. When you said you were in the store in deep thought, girl the same thing happened to me. It's like I have to concentrate on what I'm doing. Like I'm not really living but just existing. John loved grapes and I was standing by the grapes remembering how he'd put one in him mouth and pop it with his teeth. One right after another. I don't even know how long I was standing there when this lady said excuse me. I was holding some grapes in my hand and don't even remember picking them up. I'm like you with the driving too. I can't remember how I got to work or home It's like I don't have short term memory or something. The days go fast but the nights are heeelll on earth. Today is going to be hard after work. Please say a little prayer for me please. It's Friday, that doesn't mean much to many of you but as you know I'm trying not to drink and Friday means you don't have to do anything Saturday so get as drunk as you want. I have plenty of money too. I haven't drank so I've got over 60 dollars I would have spent on beer or vodka. Damm I hate being sober. The pain is too real, I have to make myself think of something all the time to get the kids out of my head. Otherwise I end up crying. Me too I'm sorry I just have to get it out sometimes. Thanks for listening. I get so lonely sometimes.
Pray for me. I'm starting to pray more now. I need God more than ever. We all do.
Kim when reading your post I was reading my own story. I could have written the same exact words you've written. I do the same thing I pretend and laugh and let people think I'm doing just fine, but if they only knew that sometimes I sit in front of my computer and look at his memorial page and watch the pictures go by and sob, and sob and sob till I can't sob anymore until my chest hurts or until I can't breathe because I'm so stuffed up from crying. If only they knew how I lay in bed with a teddy bear and hold it tight light a baby and kiss it good night as I say good night to my baby boy. If only they knew when I wake up the first thing I think of is my son and before I go to sleep at night he is then also on my mind as he is almost every min. of the day. If they only knew the pain, how many people who don't talk to me anymore, or keep in touch, how my sons are suffering too, and I try and be strong for them. How my head hurts every day because I take meds at night to help me sleep and I still don't sleep good and wake up feeling like I never even slept, and my head is so heavy on my shoulders. How I go to work because if I didn't I'd go crazy but hate having to work because I have to do the pretending all over again. Life will never be the same, even if these two do get convicted, it will never bring him back. I'm sorry going on a tangent again, I'm so glad I have you mom's to come to as here is where I can talk freely, here I know I can say anything at all and you all understand my pain.
I find myself doing the same type of things yesterday at work I couldn't even get a count on parts straight how hard is it to count to 35. I keep wondering what I will do when this is all over with the trial and sentencing the rest will never be over with. Right now I feel like I am going in 10 different directions at once and accomplishing nothing at all. I too tell people I'm ok when they ask what do you say other than that. I don't want people feeling sorry for me so I never tell them the truth about how I feel.
Jim is on my mind 24-7 Jim's one year mark is coming in less than 2 months then about a week after Christmas then the New Year starts and the count goes on. I can not believe I haven't seen my Jimmy's smile or heard his voice other than on video for almost a year not. My heart is hurting so bad like you all I don't sleep well I don't eat right I can't even think straight half the time. All I want is for Jimmy to walk in the door and say Hey Mom, and that will never ever, ever happen again.
Patricia you hang in there you are doing so great with not drinking I know it has to be hard.
Much Love to you all
MOM"S, DO ANY OF YOU KNOW HOW I CAN GET INFORMATION ABOUT WHAT IS HAPPENING? I don't even know the next court date. I keep looking on Arizona Supreme court but it hasn't been updated. I asked my nnied to go see Aunt Chris and ask her to call me since Oscar won't let me talk to her. What is wrong with that man.
Somebody better thank the Lord that I'm not in Phoenix, God forbid! I have that temper just like Mama and somebody would have to give me some answers.
Oh heck, me and my big mouth. I've always hated being like Mom, sometimes it's like I can't be nice for nothin!
Oh well, Thanks for all the other emails and telling me all the things you do. It helps me feel like maybe I'm not alone. It's gonna be a long weekend for me.
see ya Monday... I tried the Chat room I guess I'm too old and dumb to know how nothing happened. hahah
love you guys