I always wonder if I'm just not right anymore. I'm never happy, I pretend I am, I smile at people and joke with them, but in my heart I'm terrible. I feel so lost and helpless without my son. He was my shadow, he was always with me, always in the house with his friends. Its so quiet now, no noise and goings on. I hate it, but yet I sit there and just sit there and watch tv. I try to keep busy, I go to the store trying to be normal, go food shopping like everyone else, but he is always on my thoughts and my heart breaks when I see things he liked, now with Halloween his favorite it's hitting me harder.
But I don't do anything, I don't feel happy. People say you can still have a good life, you can have a happy one. But I know that's not true. I don't even go to parties, if I do, I stay what an hour? I pretend I'm having a good time and I'm not. How can it ever be fun again, I have no joy left in me. I love my other boys and I stay strong for them to keep going.
I feel like I will never be happy in my heart again. No real true happiness. Why do people think that life can continue like it used to? It will never be the same. I'm just going thru the motions of each day. Sometimes i can't even pray at night because I just break down and then I won't be able to sleep.
Why do people think that one day things will be just fine, and happiness will come back. I'm lost forever. I don't feel like I have a life anymore. It's gone. I dont want to do anything, I just sit home, I hate going out. I feel like a leper. It's terrible to feel this but I see no way my life withut my son. It's tearing me apart.
I know what you mean Bette. Kaylin is always on my mind. Every where I go I think of her. It is either, Kaylin would have liked that or she would have hated that. I wish Kaylin was here and if it is something new we are doing then I think, she should be here to do this with us and I wish she was here to experience this. I took my son to get his Halloween costume and I laughed and joked with him, but inside I felt like I was going to die. I let him wait while they brought it out and I walked over to look at the costumes she would have liked. She loved dressing up for Halloween. Several years ago she went through a phase where she wanted fairy wings evey year. I found some small purple butterfly wings and I bought them for her. I am sending them to my sister to place on her grave. I know it is nuts, but I couldn't leave her out. I had to buy her the wings. It didn't feel right not getting her "costume" too. I get distracted easy and I avoid parties when I can. I may be there physically but my mind is thinking about Kaylin. Sometimes it takes work to think of something else because all I can think about is her, are we going to get justice for her, did she know he left her, did she want us there, and mostly I think why? why my baby? I think that normal for us has changed. It isn't what we used to know. Normal for us is making it through each day when you just want to stop. I decided not to decorate for Halloween this year. My son said he didn't want to either so that made it easier. I kept thinking that I needed to get the decorations up for him, but he was dreading them too. We decided that next year we will, but this year we are letting it slide.
Oh Bette, How I know how you feel. I feel empty myself. I pretend, but it is as though my heart has forgotten how to feel joy. What you describe, well...it's my life also. It's been 3 years today since she was assaulted, and I am actually thinking of going to counseling, it just has to get better! So much heartache, as we feel w the loss of our kids is just more than a hear/mind can take without help. I pray, but no relief. I throw myself into work, but still, i am a drone, going through the motions of life. We need to stay strong, not only for the other kids, but for ourselves, and i know that our kids would not want us to be so empty and sad. They would not want our lives to continue to fall apart.
I know my son wouldn't want me to be sad, he hated it when I was upset, he hurt when I hurt, same as I hurt when he hurt, as us mothers all do for our kids. Life is gone for me, I try each day, I do see a therapist, and I talk and I say that I feel empty. But I get it's normal, things will slowly get better, I just can't believe this. I'm empty inside, totally empty. I laugh, but feel no joy. The tears are real, always the tears, comes from deep inside me. I go to the cemetery on Sat. and put some Halloween things down and sit there on the ground and cry, and cry. My mom's b/d that day and she and my dad are right there next to him after my 2 brothers grave, I didn't even remember it was her b/d and left no flowers. I felt terrible but I know she'd understand. I'm a shell of a person. I just go thru the process of the day. I pretend I'm happy, I pretend I'm ok, because if you don't people don't come near you, like a leper, no one talks about him, I've got new pictures that were on a camera from about 2 years ago I tell people, not many will look "oh that's nice" or if they do, aww how sweat, I know they mean well. But these are my last pictures of him, no more to come, no more beach pictures on the boardwalk, no more Christmas pictures in front of the tree. They are my last of the last, all taken away. 15 years old, he was a baby, why, I always ask why. Cause they didn't like the guy he was with and he would have been a witness? I don't know, maybe I will never know, but it won't bring him back, the why and how's don't mean much anymore, though I say them all the time, why God, why??? I just feel so completely empty. It's so hard to explain. Thank you for listening. I'm starting to cry so I will go for now. God Bless