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Am I losing it?

Kaylin hasn't been sending me dimes or pennies and I have to admit that I have felt a twinge of jealousy that I am not feeling anything from her. Kaylin and I used to be so close, but as she got older her bi polar became very hard to deal with at times. She would often stop taking her meds and it was like living with Jekly and Hyde during those times. I would have to watch her to make sure she took them or she wouldn't. When she turned 17 she had graduated and she moved out. From 17 on there were many times she didn't speak to me. If she was upset with anybody she would take it out on me, telling me she hated me and I was the worst mom. Her psychiatrist told me to never take it to heart because he knew that she loved me and that it bothered her that she lashed out at me but that for me to remember that she knew that I loved her no matter what and that I would never leave her. He told me that she was not sure of that with other people in her life so since she couldn't rant at them because they might leave, I was the one she targeted. It was hard to believe but I could see that even if who or what she was mad at had nothing to do with me, I would get the hate phone calls so then it made sense. The few months before Kaylin died, she was moving back home. Most of her things were in storage so she didn't have a lot here when she died. The two weeks before she died she was joking with me and things seemed good and I was cautiously hopeful that we were moving in a good direction. She had called me and seemed to have a plan for what she wanted to do. It felt good to have her talking to me like that again. The weekend before Kaylin died she had been staying with a friend because her boyfriend had come down from Arizona and she wanted to see him. She took most all of the clothes that she had here with her to wash while she was there. The boy who killed my baby got rid of all of her belongings and identification before he dumped her body. About a month after she died I had to do all of the laundry and I found some of her socks in it. Kaylin had some cute socks, but she always lost the mate to them so she had 5 mismatched socks. I washed them all and put them in my sock drawer. I really don't wear socks so I don't get into my sock drawer except once or twice a year. Anyway, tonight my husband and I went to the laundry mat to do the laundry and I found one of her socks again. Every time I do the laundry this sock keeps showing up. I asked my husband if he had it out and he said no, but that he was thinking to himself that it seemed like we washed this sock every time we washed. My son said he didn't get it out because he didn't even know about it. We are the only three people who live here. No one else comes in. None of the animals can open drawers and even if they could they wouldn't be able to reach the drawer. So I am wondering if I am going crazy since I don't know how this sock keeps ending up in the laundry every single time. I also know that Kaylin had a wonderful sense of humor and an incredible wit and saw herself as unique. She was unique. If dimes are what are normally left I can see her deciding to do something else just to be different. I used to think I was a rational, logical woman but now I find myself wondering if she is the one dropping her sock into the laundry. It would be just like her to do that. Other then the one time I saw the real purple butterfly I have not felt anything from her. The few times I dream about her she doesn't really talk to me and it is fleeting and most times I cannot remember the dream. I used to be a lucid dreamer but even that has gone. Am I so desperate to feel my baby around me that I am grasping at this sock? I know that I don't remember things well anymore and that I forget things a lot now but I know that I don't go into that drawer and I know that all of the laundry has been washed completely several times yet this same sock keeps showing up. Please tell me that some of you are having things just show up and that I am not losing my mind completely.

Re: Am I losing it?

I don't think you are loosing it at all, last year my granddaughter picked a angle for the top of our Christmas tree this angle would start blinking every time we started talking about Jim's murder. The really strange thing was it was not suppose to blink at all. I would tell my family that was Jim telling us not to talk about it when Sandra was within ear shot of what we were saying. When we would stop talking about him the angle would stop blinking.
The weekend before Jim was murdered a bunch of us had gone up in the hills to get Christmas trees I had a fake tree that I had been using for years hadn't had a real one for a long time. Why last year did I decide on a real one? Maybe to give us all one last fun memory of Jim? He was picking trees out for everyone and they were all perfect. We all had a great time that day playing in the snow and looking for the absolute perfect tree. Jim being Jim got on a sled hooked a rope to it and to the back of his cousin's SUV she pulled him down the road I was behind them all I could see was snow flying. He had a ball we even have some video of it. We hadn't been up to the snow for a very long time so why one week before Jimmy was taken away from us?
You aren't loosing it just take the sock for what it is a memory of your beautiful kaylin.
Love and Hugs
Jimmy's Mom

Re: Am I losing it?

I believe in signs, I found 3 dimes and a quarter in my car yesterday. I got some film developed from maybe 2 years ago, summer & christmas. And I prayed Timmy would be in them and he was, I have some really cute ones. I'm taking the really good ones and putting them on a CD. I belived dreams are them visitng us, the last dream I had was him very littel but I could feel myself holding his hand. I think the sock is a sign she is watching over you, I don't dream that often of Timmy either. I may have had 4 dreams total, today marks 15 months from the day he was killed on 7/13/07.

I also have a fake tree even though I grew up with real trees they became more and more expensive. I got this really nice fake tree maybe 5 years ago. It was on sale. Well last year, since Timmy was always the one who liked to do the decorating, I didn't even want a tree, no way could I bring up the fake one as he and I would sit there and put it together and shape the branches and evertyhing, he loved decorating Halloween & Christmas. So I boutht a real tree last year, I thought maybe bringing my old memories of growing up and when they were little with a real tree would help. I don't even want to do Christmas this year, I don't want a tree, I don't want to cok Thanksgiving, it's not the same. My oldest is away and my other son well he goes out all the time, I sit there by myself most of the time. Why bother, it just breaks me apart. So I don't know what to do, I do it because I know Timmy loved Christmas, I decorate his grave fr Halloween, I won't decorate my house. Some days I think maybe I should, maybe it would make him happy, looking down and seeing that. But it hurts too much.

I was always looking for signs, begging him to come to me in my dreams. Things would happen when they did, and I cherish each one, so cherish the sock incidents, LOL, Iknow that sounds funny, but I think it's her saying I'm ok.

God Bless
Timmy's mom

Re: Am I losing it?

I went to a workshop at the POMC workshop called connecting with your loved ones. It was taught by a psychic medium. Anyway she told us that our loved ones can use their energy to manipulate things as signs from them and that instead of being afraid of that or thinking you are crazy believe that the sock is a sign. Keara doesn't come to me in dreams but there have been lots of signs from her so I choose to believe that she communicates with me that way. I don't think you are crazy. Your daughter is playing with you. Love, Darien

Re: Am I losing it?

I can visualize her laughing about it. She knew I hated having to take the laundry to the laundry mat every week, and she would often go help. She was a great kid at helping around the house and with chores. I can believe that she sends it to make me smile while I am doing a chore I don't care for. Plus I can see her getting a big kick out of making me wonder if I am nuts. :) Things do seem to be missing lately from places that I KNOW I put them. I'll just believe it is her hiding them for me to find later. :) I miss her sense of humor so much. When we laughed, we laughed hard. I always said we fought hard and we loved hard. :) Thanks for telling me I am not crazy.

Re: Am I losing it?

I have found that always at my lowest times Monica sends me a sign that she is with us. The signs are things only she would know. I treasure those signs as they give me the strength to get through the day.

Your Daughter is just letting you know Hey Mom I am Here.

You are not crazy you are blessed.

Love Cindy Monica's Mom

Re: Am I losing it?

For us it's heart rocks. The day after we found my son's remains I found my first rock, his brother took me to his favorite beach and as I was walking along I came upon a large, sitting size, lava, heart rock. I remember sitting there thanking God for the gift of my son and being able to finally solve the mistery of his dissapearance. Since then we have collected hundreds of heart rocks and brought them home with us. I have them around my garden, in the walk ways and I have bowls of them in the house. When ever my grandson finds one he'll say " Uncle Wes is here" I know he is there and I love the signs he sends us.