Today I got a call from my son his father my ex-husband died of a massive heart attack he was 52. He was Monica's father (not Dad) I have found myself jealous that he is now with my daughter. He was a distant father not contacting his kids much maybe 4 times a year and now he gets to be with our daughter. I know God gave me her children to raise but I still feel cheated somehow. I even had to send him a tell it like it is e-mail because he was doing the same thing with her kids contacting them maybe 5 times a year. I sent him the e-mail 2 weeks ago and told him get over it and do better with his grandkids than he did with his kids. He wrote a nice letter of apology to the kids saying he would do better now he is dead.
I am glad the kids have the letter he wrote even if it took me telling him to grow up to write it.
God Bless You All
Cindy Monica's Mom
I haven't had that one but I have a grandma who is in her 80's and not doing well. She doesn't remember who her family is most days and seems to be very out of it. I love her very much, but she has always been prone to pessimism and used to say a few years ago that she wished she could just die because she was sick and tired all the time. I heard from my dad that she is really going down hill. She doesn't understand that Kaylin is gone and she forgets that my mom died five years ago. I have found myself thinking that she has lived a long life and that she was ill so why does she linger on and my vibrant daughter who was young and who was just beginning her adult life had to die. I always feel so guilty for thinking that but I do. I love my grandma and I don't want her to really die, I just wish my daughter hadn't died so young. She had her whole life ahead of her. I just miss her.
I figure my Jimmy is with the family and friends he wants to be with in death just like he was in life. So if his biological father gets his before I pass Jim will have nothing to do with him anyway.
My mother passed 2 years before my son was murdered. Shortly after, my grandfather passed. When Jeremy died, we could only think that at least he's in good hands. 6 months after jeremy died, my brother in law. Then 6 months later my big brother. We've always had a pretty close family. So I know that jeremy is in good company. I understand the part wishing I could be there to.I think that all time. I have a reacurring dream. In this dream i keep hearing alot of laughter(very familiar laughter). I can't seem to find where it's coming from. when I wake up, I'm frustrated, because I feel like I hadn't been invited. Somehow, I know where it's coming from. And I know that I too will be there, laughing it up. Someday.
My ex fiance died six months after Keara then my mom nine months after Keara, then my brother in law and my uncle and yes I have been jealous and then I feel guilty because I have kids and grandkids here. And I always wish I had died instead of Keara. I just feel so crazy sometimes. Well actually most of the time. Thanks for this site Cindy. With love and hugs, Darien