Well, the holidays are upon us. I know that I still have my other kids, and grandkids to think about. I'm sure I'll take care of them all. But the holidays seem to be the roughest, toughest times of the year. I miss my Jeremy so very much. I wish I could go back in time(Just for a moment). I wish I could ask him what he wants for xmas. And then complain cause his response would be some silly cd or video game. I wish I could get his oppinion on what kind of pie to make. I wish he was still here to argue with his siblings on xmas morning. All my stupid wishes won't come true.I know that time goes by and we all go on with our everyday tasks. But %#$@, I just wish I could go to sleep and sleep right through until January. But if that were possible, then I'd try it all the time. And we all know that would never do. Anyway, enough ranting. Thank you all for listening once more. Julie
Since this is still fresh for us I wondered about the holidays. I have been dreading them for awhile now. Tonight I had to go buy my son some jeans and I was fine until we walked in the store. Walking past the girl's clothing and realizing that I never get to shop with Kaylin again. No more mother/daughter shopping. No more girl stuff with her. I found myself looking at things as we walked by thinking, she'd like that or she would definitely hate that. Then after getting my sons jeans I looked at the jewelry they had on display. There was a butterfly necklace with four amethyst stones on it. It is exactly what I would have bought her as a gift. I did go ahead an buy it. I just kept looking at it in the box and thinking this should be a Christmas present put back for her. I still haven't decorated for Halloween. I know I need to for my son but I don't want to do anything for any holiday. Yesterday I was thinking that by now she would have already called me and asked me if she could do some work around the house to earn money for a Halloween costume. I found the email she sent last year asking that. She wanted a rainbow brite costume. I have pictures I need to add to her site. She looked so cute. All holidays were such a big deal before and I am thinking if I can't even get the Halloween stuff out, what am I going to do at Christmas? I miss my daughter so much. In many ways I feel caught between children. I have to be here for my son and make things as normal as possible but I want to go be with my daughter and stop the world because she is not in it.
I don't decorate for Halloween either, it was Timmy's favorite. He'd put out all the fake spider web and hang the spiders from it, or get old clothes with one of his scary masks and make it look like a scary guy sitting in the yard, put up all the ghosties hanging from the bushes and stuff. No I can't even do it. I do decorate his grave. Christmas last year was terrible. I have one son who is in jail, so it was only me and my other son. I didnt want to do anything, but for him I had to. He is a Christmas baby, Timmy was New Year's Eve. Getting thru the holidays were terrible, especially his birthday he would have been 16 last Christmas. I missed his sweet 16, oh how it breaks my heart. I do the same thing, oh Timmy would love that game for Christmas, or that new cell phone, I remember last year he asked me for one of those new phones that you can text on, maybe for christmas I said and he never made it to that Christmas. Now I'm crying. I dread the holidays, if I'm like this now, imagine when December rolls in. Not just the Holidays, but I have my birthday on the 9th, then the prelim on the 10th, then my middles guy who will be 21 this year on christmas day, and Timmy's Birthday on New Years Eve, he would have been 17 this year. So not fair....
The holidays have been on my mind also last year Jimmy was here for Thanksgiving but was murdered on December 16th his presents sat unopened for months. December 16th was the day Jim had gone Christmas shopping for Sandra and Me. IF ONLY!!!
I have been looking around for Christmas presents just checking on what to get Jim's daughter I see things I know he would like it breaks my heart. Last year he said he wanted a deep fryer or a vacuum I got him both. This year will be a bouquet of flowers, balloons and a new candle. I don't have to try to decide about presents for him any more they will be the same for every occasion. I don't even want to do Halloween so I know I will have to push myself through Thanksgiving and Christmas.
The only thing I want for Christmas is to have my son home with me I miss him so,so much, but I know that will never happen. So what I want this year is to see his murderer sent off to prison.
Love and Hugs to all
We have been doing this for over six years now. The first 3 years I didn't put up a tree but had a Christmas chair instead. I set the table for us all and we all toasted Wes, where ever he was. I have pretended he's just off travelling, like he was when he was murdered. It has helped me get through some of the really horrible holidays.
Wes, loved Holloween too. The last year he was alive he dressed up like a bush and his friends didn't know the difference until he lunged at them. I don't do anything for Holloween though, cause the boys always decorated. My youngest son is still in Hawaii and my other son has sunk back into his addiction.
I only shop for the grandkids now and just token things. It is too hard shopping, I can't go anywhere near the camping or outdoor section without still having a meltdown.
It will never be the same, so we have created new traditions. We do invite friends who don't have family close by to have Christmas dinner with us. We don't celebrate the New years, cause I could care less that it's a new year, it won't back the one thing we really want so we just treat it as another day.
We all have different ways of coping and you all will find yours.
Peace, Love and Light be with you all