I know I haven't been around much but i'm in a dark place. I was thinking about what Shirley did with Jimmy's pictures and make a slide show, so me thinking I like to do something like this from when Timmy was a baby up until his age of 15. So I thought I'm going to go thru the photo album and pick out the pics I want to use, whew, wow let me tell you I cried and cried and cried. It was terrible I didn't think right at all on this, what's wrong with me?? OMG he was so cute, that smile, that funny way he'd take funny pictures, make faces, or wear something crazy like one of him and his friend in the summer with no shirts on, with shorts, cowboy hats and cowboy boots LOL, that is a definite one, but I don't know how I'm going to do something I really want to do if I can't handle it? just like his clothes, I can't even go thru them. I cry when I look at his stuff, I smell him on his hats and pj's, it's to much.

Well before this I was talking to a neighbor and she works at a daycare downtown, and she was talking about that and getting tokens for the train. So last night I have this dream about Timmy. He was little just like in the pictures about 5 or 6, I pick him up at this daycare downtown, I sign him out, I can see my self signing the book, and he is standing there with some other boys, and he smiles and i say you ready, and he goes yup! and I'm holding his hand and he is like all hyper you know how little kids are all jumping around all hyper and stuff and he says to me I want to go to Nicks Roastbeef, you know I say all the time how he loved to eat, so I'm like oh yu want to get a roast beef sandwich? and he is like yup! and then we are down the concourse I have to go buy tokens for the train home and I'm still holding his hand I can feel it in my hand, ahh, here we go, I can't even write I get all teary eyed. My life sucks, I hate it, I want my son back, I just want him back, i hate living this way and feeling this way, this emptiness. I hate it. I hate thinking about them holding a gun to his head and just firing it, how could anyone do this, what's wrong with people, how could they sleep at night and play with their kids knowing what they did?? how can they live with themselves? how can anyone do this? I don't get it I just don't understand. I'm sorry.....

God Bless
Bette
Timmy's mom

Bette,

I'm so sorry you have been so sad. The funeral parlor did one of those slide shows for us and played it on a monitor in the back of the room at the wake. They charged for it but it was the best $150 I ever spent. It will be a year next week and I feel just like you do, I just want him back. I woke up this morning hearing him laughing. For some reason in the back of my mind I kept thinking that if I did the funeral and court thing, he would be ok and things would go back like it never happened. No such luck and the guy that did it is now walking around (homeless) eating out of garbadge cans and stuff like it never happened. They even gave him back his knife he used! If anyone tells me it's time to "move on - get past it" again, I'm going to kick them out of the house! They just don't get it, it's not the death of a loved one, or a sick relative, it's the baby we carried in our bodies for 9 months and worried about for 36 yrs!

Sorry, I'm getting upset again. I know he's around, there are dimes everywhere and a medium told us they leave change especially dimes when they vitit to let you know they are there. My cat had one last week and woke me up playing with it. It sounds crazy but I'm not the only one finding them in impossible places. Well, be strong and take it 1 day at a time.

love ya,
Donna, Randy's mom

Bette

Boy howdy those videos and the slide show took a lot out of me, I was either smiling or crying as I put them together. I am going to do more but will wait awhile. I have not had a dream about Jim my sister has had several and so has my niece, guess I don’t sleep enough to even have dreams. I put all of Jim’s clothes in space bags didn’t go through them at all just packed them up and put them under my bed.
Mom 2 Mom
Stay Strong

Donna

It is true about the dimes, but that kid of mine always has to entertain my brother-in-law and my sister kept finding eleven cents. That would be Jim alright just has to be different to let us know he is around. My niece who is a clean freak had 8 flies in her house her husband told her Jimmy was probably letting them in just to drive her crazy.

Sending lots of hugs to you both.

Jim's Mom

My cousin did the slideshow that we played at Kaylin's funeral. It was beautiful. I would love to add it but her bio dad doesn't want his family on the website. My BIL made the one from pictures he had of her and I am so thankful he had her singing on there. The one from her funeral had the last song of her singing "Hungry" too and the last picture was one of Kaylin and my mom sitting on the couch with their arms wrapped around each other. My mom died 5 years ago and Kaylin was very close to her Nanny. I can envision my mama waiting there to grab her up as she came into heaven.
I have had a few dreams where I have seen Kaylin, but never get to talk to her . I want so badly to feel her close to me. I do believe that she made sure that her pup got back to us, just from the way that worked out so fast. The timing and everything that was happening right then makes me believe that she sent her home to us. I have only had one thing that I feel was from Kaylin directly. I would just love to feel her close. I thought about doing an angel reading but I am not sure how I feel about that yet. I am torn over it. I cannot go through her things yet either. I lose it when I do. Just looking at her old journal sent me into my dark space for a week and I didn't know if I was going to get out of it.

Hi Bette, I know what you are feeling. I have been feeling sad also. I'm thinking maybe because the holidays are getting closer and his birthday in December. I too want to do a video of my Gene like the one you want to do for your Timmy. I miss my Gene so much. I think about him all the time. Sometimes tears come to my eyes...sometimes a smile. I have a picture of him on my locket that i wear all the time. I have a picture of him in my car on my visor. I have a picture of him on my keychain...in my bedroom and in my living room...where there is a big picture of him and below I have a shelf with momentos of him and a candle lit most of the time. I am always thinking too about what happened those early morning hours of May 6th. Did Gene get in the car with this guy he did not know? Did he force Gene into the car? Was he standing...was he sitting down? What were his last words...what was he thinking? So many questions...and no answers. Bette, my heart and prayers go out to you. I am so sorry. Sending you some hugs. {{{Bette}}}

Thank you all. I still want to do this, I told my one son about it last night and he said he liked the idea. Not sure how to go about doing it, can it be done on Power Point? or do you need certain software. I have a DVD burner and thought I'd make copies of it once it is done and give it out around Christmas to family and his friends. But first need to be able to do it and find out how to do it. I have guys at work that work in productions I could ask them how to do it. Anyway, about those dimes!!! Let me tell you, a few years ago my sister kept saying how she kept finding dimes everywhere, she just thought it so strange. Then she was watching a physic show and a lady in the audience asked that question and she said it was an older woman watching over you. So my sister freaks and said I knew it was mommy all along. Well then I started to find the dimes. After Timmy was killed I'd find them in weird places to, like the other day when me and my son were going out in the car, when he got in I said wait, there's a dime on the seat. There was no dime there earlier. and no it didn't fall out of his pocket he had no change. I find them in the house, outside, in my car, all the time now. and I save them in a special place. One time before timmy was killed and I'd find all those dimes and times of need I'd use them, now I can't even think of spending them so I hide them away. It's so weird how you brought this up, I thought we were the only crazy family finding dimes all the time. That makes it more special. Our angels do speak to us, even thru a dime :) This makes my heart feel nice. It's been so hard lately, and with all the crap going on in the neighborhood. We just had another shotting right around the corner from me, he survived was working at the store and they tried to rob him from what I heard he was shot in the leg, but was able to pull his gun out and shot one of the robbers in the stomach. And the crazy thing of it all, not a word of it was in the news!

If anyone has any ideas on doing a slide show and how to go about doing one, please let me know as i really want to do this, I just have to brace myself. Like I mentioned i thought this would be a nice gift for my family and his friends.

God Bless
Bette
Timmy's mom