Friends of ours lost their son in a motorcylce accident and had a very difficult time with the one year anniversary. We know that we will be faced with that but didn't understand the depth of their pain (for the one year mark) although we know we will when the time approaches. We dread each and every Thursday evening so we can somewhat understand. Yesterday the weather cooled down and I looked around at the changing colors of the leaves and thought about fall approaching. I had an incredible sadness that overwhelmed and stopped just short of an anxeity attack. I couldn't breathe and thought my heart was going to break it ached so bad. Then I realized a little more about what is to come and why...perhaps...the seasons are changing and time is going on...a thought I don't think about much...and our beautiful daughter is not here. I know no one else can understand this except other moms but I just wanted to share it with you and see if anyone else has had similar experiences. Our love to all.
Yes I have been dreading the change I love the fall but it leads me closer to December and I just don't know how I am going to make it through that month it will be one year that my Jimmy has been gone on December 16th. I don't even want Christmas this year I use to love Christmas now I couldn't care less about any of the Holidays. The thing is I don't want to bring my family down so I will put on my happy face and get through some how.
Hugs to you all
Today is three months since Kaylin has been gone. Three months and we are still waiting for the investigation to be completed. They said it was complicated adn would take a long time, but each day I want answers that don't come. I used to love to decorate for holidays. In the past, October 1 was the signal to put the Halloween decorations out. I don't even want to get them out. I have to for my son, but I don't want to. Each holiday two decorations are always added, one for Kaylin and one for my son. I know that if I get them out then I will lose it. To see her name on decoration boxes. They were supposed to be for them to take when they had their own homes, now hers will never go to her own home. It's the beginning. Thanksgiving and then Christmas. I already dread these holidays I used to love so much. They were always special because of our traditions, and even if Kaylin was going through a tough time, holidays she always reconnected with us. Lately I don't want to do anything. If it is a new thing all I can think is that she is not here to do this with us. If it is something we have done before I think about the memories we shared. I am not able to hide it until I am alone. It gets harder each day that passes. I feel like everyone else is moving forward and I am standing still in the crowd, and they just walk around and move on by. I think I got off track again. With the approach of he holidays coming I feel like I am sinking deeper and deeper.
Yes, I am feeling the same way. I really am dreading the holidays this year. Also Gene's birthday is December 9th. You know last year I think I was still in shock because I don't even remember feeling anything. I don't even remember what I did for Christmas. I do remember celebrating Gene's birthday. Boy...did he love celebrating his birhtday. But...now everytime I think of the holidays I get these butterflys in my stomache. I volunteered to work on Thanksgiving just so I won't be home. I have my daughter and her three girls living with me and I told my daughter if she wanted to decorate for the holidays she could but I was not going to do anything. I wish I could sleep thru the next three months. :-) Sending my love and hugs to all of you.
I dread the holidays, I dread the cold months coming and being stuck in my house. This was Timmy's favorite time of year, except for school, Halloween! He loved it, Thanksgiving, I would cook the neck for him of the turkey, it was "his", something my mom did for me when I was little, so now it was his "thing". And then December, well December is the worst! My b/d is also December 9th. Then my other son was born on Christmas Day, and of course we have Christmas. Then Timmy's b/d is New Year's Eve and of course we have New Year's. I wish I could also sleep right through the whole month of December.
Thanks for the offer to help.I am doing all this computer stuff on my son's lap top.I have no printer with it.I didn't even have an email till work created one for me and I tried to receive my emails via his computer but they changed programs and I have to wait to go back to work to see what the problem is.That won't be till Tues night.My neighbor said he would help me also.In the meantime I am trying to get through all messages that MOMS have sent and I gotta tell you I can't stop crying.Even though it is so very very sad that others are going through what I am I know unfortunaetly I am not alone.In the past 3 days I try to sneak on the computer as my family can't handle me crying.They think that there is so much sadness why torture myself with more sadness.What they don't understand is that there is a real need to talk to just other MOMS about this.It is sort of like my own private escape into my feelings as most stories are like okay that's what I'm feeling too.Change of seasons is a perfect example of how I feel.Reading everyones replies gave me hope that this is all a part of the grieving process and even though I feel like I am in a dark black hole,there are others who are willing to pluck me out of it if even for a little while.I too am sorry for your loss.I am going to see if I can find your daughters site so I can see her beautiful face and just say heh to her.Hugs your way.Barb/Nickys MOM
HI MOMS I AM FEELING IT TOO,HUBERT B DAY IS NOV 13-MINES IS NOV 11,I AM FEELING A LITTLE SAD THIS MONTH .COMEING THIS JANUARY 5 TH WE WILL BE AT THE TRIAL WHAT A WAY TO START A NEW YEAR,HOPE IT ENDS WITH A BIG BANG MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU ALL JOANN-HUBERT MOM.
I am sending Big Hugs to you and Hubert on your birthdays. Hubert have a Happy Heavenly Birthday.
I am going to light a candle right now.
Love & Hugs
I used to love the holidays also. Now I start dreading fall in about August. Joshua was killed the night after Thanksgiving 2005. This year will be the 3 "Angelversary". I would love to sleep through Nov and Dec and wak up in Jan!
I have decided to try a new tradition this year. Thanksgiving was a huge deal for Joshua, as he loved visiting with family, truly loved it. The last two years we have tried keeping with the old family tradition but it is incredibly painful. I think this year I am going to buy Chloe and Lil Josh a special present to honor their father. Forget cooking, and many family members visiting. I think this year I am going to allow myself to grieve.
Joshua was murdered on my fathers birthday,,he and Joshua were VERY close. SO, that celebration has been taken too. It gets confusing trying to decide JUST what to do,,celebrate Thanksgiving, or not, celebrate Dad's birthday, when it is the day Joshua was murdered,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,arg!
Thanks a lot murderer, you ruined a lot of joyous occasions for my family! ON TOP of everything else.
Love to you all,
Joshua Underwood's mom/soulfriend
Your precious daughters are beautiful and how they must also miss their beloved Lisa.Her memorial page took me a long time to go through as her poems were awesome and she probably is now writing poems in heaven.Very deep stuff.I want to burn the images of all the MOMS children in my soul and visualize me just chatting with each of them.This will take some time as there are sooooo many precious angels to reach.Thanks for sharing her.God Bless and Hugs your way Barb/Nicky's MOM P.S between her love of poetry and Kaylin"s love of music,I'm sure they've all hooked up and are planning something special for when we all meet again sort of like a recital to end all recitals.
I am having a hard time getting ready to face Thanksgiving. Some friends invited us over, but I just couldn't go. It was so nice that they thought of us but honestly I am afraid I will be so down that I might bring the whole thing down and I don't want to do that. Of course I would try to put on my "people face" but some days it is harder to put that face on and I just want to be left alone. We always had a small family thing since all of our family but us live here. One of our traditions is to write each other letters of why and what we are thankful for pertaining to that person. I have read Kaylin's to me from the last few years over and over already. I couldn't bear the thought of not writing her letter this year. I was almost panicked over it but we decided that we will write her letters as always, just from now on we will have to attach them to a helium balloon to send to her.
We usually had several of her friends over to eat with us. For my son's sake I am going to cook. We asked him if he would like us to go to the friends but he wanted it to just be us too. One thing Kaylin loved was looking through all the sales ads from the paper for the day after Thanksgiving sales. I have this sound machine and we would always drag out the sleeping bags and turn on the cricket sound and tell stories and have a living room camp out for the whole family and we would drag ourselves up early to go hit the sales. The last few years though it was more about the time together and breakfast since we didn't want to fight through the crowds anymore. We have so many traditions for holidays and to know she won't be here is making it so hard, yet I don't want to stop them because they were so important to her too. We just have to find a way to change them to still include her. She will always be part of them no matter what.
Thank you for the kind words I believe you are right Kaylin & Lisa are up to something and knowing them it will be "something" alright. I hope you know how much it means to us when you tell us you were on her website and read her poems and looked at everything. It is so important to us and it is so seldom heard. Most of our family tell us it is too hard...Yet Lisa's friends visit all the time and always notice when we have added or if we haven't they want to know why we haven't? They are great. It means so much to us...the last "kimi" we made says it all. It was a line from a song that was written for Lisa and every time I recite the words I cry...."Remember me, who knew me, Know the best, in me. Be my life, continued,By your thoughts, of me." I wish others knew how important it is to our family that she will always be remembered. We really appreciate your viewing her page.
We too are trying to come up with something to get through the holidays but other than running away we haven't got a plan. My family put together a golf tournament to raise funds for our family. They did a great job but it was done very shortly after we lost Lisa and there was stress involved. After it was over and they were cleaning up they hada "misuderstanding".
Well that was over 3 months ago and my one brother already told me that on Christmas Eve when we invite everyone over, a tradition we have, he won't becoming because he doesn't want to be there when my other brother is there. He decided he will come over another time. I guess I was wrong when I thought they could put their "misunderstanding" which is very irrevelant and minor in the light of things for just one night. So our new tradition might to just "run away". I am always reading the posts to get ideas and wondered if there was ever a "retreat" that you could go to before the holidays that had workshops on how to handle the holidays and family members this time of year. Just a thought. Always in our thoughts and prayers. Laura
I just wanted to let you know as we were lighting candle for Joshua we saw your candle about President Elect Barack Obama and what a great candle it is!
I am just still in shock, that two years, ll months and six days after my son was murdered by two people in a racist gang that our country saw past color and elected someone for who they are inside.
It was a bittersweet moment. Joshua would have been so happy for his children.
Love to you and Lisa,
Joshua Underwood's mom/soulfriend
I just read what all the Mom's posted on here. I was going to drink last night but somehow, I made it. Thanks be to God I didn't want to have to start over.
Those feelings that you get, Laura, I'm like that all the time, especially when I'm sober that's why I started drinking when John was murdered. My heart hurts with real pain, I actually think I'm having a heart attack. This morning when I was walking Poochie, My dog, I tried not to think about the kids, I was standing under a beautiful tree, all the leaves had turned bright golden orange. They seemed to start falling when I got under the tree. I looked up and my eyes filled with tears, big drops seemed to not stop flowing. I felt like the kids were trying to reach me and say, It's ok, we're ok. We love you, don't be sad anymore. But I only cried harder. I stood ther a long time telling them how much I missed them and thanking them for coming to me. Telling them I'd be with them soon and we would never ever part again.
I just realized I don't remember walking back home, I don't remember getting ready for work or driving to work. I have just opened my eyes and I'm crying again. God have mercy on us.
I am so sorry we all have to be here. If your ears were burning last night because you were in all our thoughts and how people make up "rules" on how we should greive and after all you are just the "aunt" like what the "h***" that means but that is how the ignorant look at it. Lisa's AV who has been a part of her life since birth has received minimal support of her family and they don't realize the devastation this causes to one's heart. Vicki's mom was Lisa's Gramma June who we lost 1 year ago on Tuesday. Instead of Vicki receiving support her sister sent her pictures of their trip to France and whined about the economy. They can be so insensitive & I am putting it nicely using just that word. Lisa adored her Gramma June and it would have broken her heart if she had been with us when this happened. I know it broke Lisa's heart when she visited her for the last time. She would not leave her room knowing she was not going to see her again. Gramma June was so courageous and kept telling her to just say Goodbye. It is so sad I am crying now. Little did they know they would be reunited so soon. They are buried together as we put some of Gramma June's ashes with her and engraved her name on Lisa's stone so we can remember them both. The insensitive sister even said to my girls "How do you think I feel? She is my mother". I don't think my girls really cared (even though they are sensitive despite ignorance) how she felt as they were so broken hearted knowing they were losing the only Gramma they had ever known as my mother passed away when they were too young to remember her. And their father's mother that would take a whole new post to go there. The last thing she said at the funeral was "We should get together after this, I would like to know what happened?" Under my breath I said Read the papers like everyone else. We haven't heard from her since and she didn't even acknowledge my girls birthdays in August. Back to my point before I started rambling...I do believe the leaves were a sign. Vicki has had a bad bad week and she encountered a lady about her mothers age. Vicki and Melanie's (our daughter) boyfriend help her get her car open as she had locked her keys in it. She was so grateful she gave her a giant hug. Looking back on it Vicki now believes it was a hug from heaven. Most people are appreciative when you help them but they don't usually hug so we really think her Mom is watching over us as well as Lisa and was responsible for the hug. I have heard about a book titled "Letters from Heaven" (I think that is the name) and it tells of these such incidences as signs from our Angels. Know that you are always in our thoughts and I hope you can get into the chat room. We are trying to meet up there tonight and I have posted the times on the board. Once we all got on it was amazing as the moms were coming and going and for about 2 hours straight there was always someone on talking. And yes we were talking about YOU too. But only because we care and are worried about you and how "screwed up" families can be when we need them most. Always in our thoughts and bound by our beautiful Angels.