I think you Mom's are so wonderful. I'm drinking way way too much. I know I am. I do want to stop and I really never drank. Just from time to time like Christmas 4th of July. Before they Murdered John I hadn't even drank in I think 6 years maybe more. I know I say some crazy stuff but sometimes I just try to find myself and figure out what I can do. So this is grieving. Im' here to tell you it sucks big time. I thought there was something else wrong with me. I was very upset when Mom died, I went into a small depression but nothing, nothing like this. And I keep telling myself there has to be an end to this Jell.
I do want to talk. But I always think people are thinking I only want attention. So I don't. That's the way a lot of my relatives are. whisper whisper oh just leave her alone, she's a dram queen and just wants attention. Oh don't even pay attention to her she always needs to be the center of attention.
Well, you don't see me calling anybody. Suck em! I don't care. I never wanted attention I thought I was a family member. They sure want to talk when they need money though. They sure want to know How I am when they don't have enough to get the **** roof fixed do they. Oh and they sure wonder what I've been doing when the niece or nephwe need a car cause they lend it to a boyfriend who has no job and wrecked it for them. And every Christmas and Birthday I get the wish list from everybody but when I'm in trouble or nearly kill myself driving drunk I'm just trying to get attention.
Well, tomorrow makes 8 months that John has been dead and I don't want NOBODIES ATTENTION! I don't want anything, nothing, nada. But I will be so drunk tomorrow after work that I will fall a couple of times when I walk my dog. Poor little feller, he just sits there with his cute little tongue sticking out. I have to sit on a step somewhere and puke. I wish I knew what he was thinking. It's just me and my dog. I think he moves away from my face at night cause of my breath. I spanked him one night when I was drunk and cried for hours. I called Darien but she wasn't home. Now I'm glad she didn't answer. Yup, I got a problem. I guess I'll just have to see if posting will help. I was doing better when I got on here and dumped my garbage on you all. **** hang overs are about to kill me. I black out though and that's the only time I sleep. If I wake up it's over. LIke last night I was hot flashing like nobodies business. I woke up wet from head to toe. Took a cold shower but never fell asleep again. I have a neighbor across from me. Old man, he drinks beer all night and smokes. I see him looking at my window and when I walk my dog he watches me. Nasty old man ****** me off. I flipped him off last night. It sure did feel good. Anyway, I'll close here I feel a little better. I'm gonna lose my job if I don't shape up. Ha, then what. Move to Arizona and join the drunks on the street begging for free food. My Navajo relatives would love that.
I wish I could talk to Chris. I got JoJo on the phone but he said She had gone to Grandma's. I asked him if he knew what was going on and he said no. He is scared to go with her because he says if he sees Cicero, he will try to kill him. Cicero is the one we think strangled him with the dog chain.
I have to stop,,,,,,, the tears are running to fast and I can't breath my nose is full of booggers.
Sorry
Thanks for not giving up on me.
xoxoxoxo
Patricia

so sorry patricia, you are going thru so much my heart is with you always.please pray that god will give you some peace in your heart.you don"t have to be sorry. you can say what ever is in your heart .we are here for you. my love ,blessing are with you joann(hubert)mom.

Patricia,
I can definitely relate. You feel like you are begging for someone to listen to your pain. And why is it always to painful for them to listen...How painful do they think it is for us that are living it? But you are right they don't give a rats a## about you when they start telling you their stories about how they had to golf in the rain, or while they were bowling this happened, etc. Like I really care what frustrates "normal" people. We are not giving up on you but you need to not give up on yourself either. My counselor, who lost her daughter to murder, told me that we start a new life and you can either go down or upwards with it...it is our choice. What I didn't know until I read her story is that she did both. Now she is helping others...I don't know what I would do without her...sometimes all she does is just listen to me and that is the most important thing knowing that someone is listening and can truly understand how you feel without telling you their stories as if they are better than you because they have their happy family. Your right I will never beg them to listen or for attention I just keep it too myself as I wouldn't want it to be to painful for them. You hang in and you need to take care of yourself and preserve your energy to deal with the greif. Love and hugs. Laura

Patricia,

I wish I was there to hold you and just let you let it all out. It comes in waves for me and I hide from everyone cause they just don't understand.

I read your letter, and thought of my aunt Pearl, she was my mother's sister who lost her 18 month old baby in an accident in her house, her husband fell asleep and left her 2 boys in bed, they got up and the smaller one ended up dead from a fire, she came home as the firemen were taking him out. She drank for years and we never understood why. I do now, deep down she blamed herself like we all do, even though we were not even there, as mothers we always feel when they get hurt it's our fault somehow.

Please think about looking for help, even if it's just someone to listen and understand what you're doing through. Chris would not want you to put yourself through so much anguish and danger. Close your eyes and feel him hugging you. You know he is and he only wants good things for you and is probably very worried about you. I believe they watch us and you can talk to him, he's listening.

We are here for you and hope you can find someone who can hold your hand and listen.

Donna
Randy's mom

Please take care of yourself. We all understand. It feels like I live a seperate life from my family and friends now. Things that used to be important aren't and things I thought I really had to have, well, I want my daughter back and those things don't seem to be as important to me anymore. I hate when people ask how you are and then if you say not good you can see you have made them uncomfortable. It is really hard to hear people complain about their kids. I just want to scream at least you have them. I would trade anything to have my daughter back. Even the hard times would be welcome now. I think this is a time we find out who really should be in our lives and who shouldn't be. Then there are the people who you know just come around to hear the details. Who just stay close enough to get their gossip to spread on. Then there are the people who act like you should be over it. I find I am not as patient with people as I used to be. It is hard Patricia. It is so hard, and this is a good place because you can vent and rant and share the pain and it is understood. When I just want to hide out and be left alone, this is a good place. Please take care of yourself. Hugs to you.

Thanks Mom's, Somehow I knew you would understand. I'm going to try not to drink tonight. But I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it for John. I have to do it that way. I know the kids wouldn't want me like this. I did drink last night but not as much and at my age I don't need to be drinking. I sometimes wish I wouldn't wake up. Then I do. I'm sick of it. I pass out some time around 10:30 and am wide awake from either 3AM or 4AM. Then I hot flash the rest of the night and usually cry. Nobody but you moms know this. At work I have a pretty important position, they don't even think I drink. I guess cause I didn't use to. I'm going to come out of this and face my pain. It just hurts so bad, I think of John every single day, not a single day has gone by since they murdered him that I don't think of him. I keep wondering what he was thinking, what were his last thoughts, did he know he was going to die, who was he calling out to, Mom help me, Dad help me, God help me. Do these things go through your minds or is it just me. Am I just trying to torture myself? I loved him so much, he was always so so good to me. He always did what ever it was I asked of him. He would help clean, he learned how to cook, he would wash the car. He was so funny too. Always saying something funny, he would do anything to make people laugh. Sometimes just sitting at the table eating he would look up and make a funny face. Or make faces on his plate with the food, and tell you a story about it. Oh my God, I still can't believe he's gone, but he is, 8 months today, it's not a nightmare, it's real, our boy is in a box under the ground. Never to be seen again. Never to be hugged again, never to tell his jokes and marry his Sally, Never to have children, never nothing ever.
sobbing again,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Thnaks for not giving up on me.
xo
pw

Patricia I think of those things all the time, was he scared, he saw the other guy shot first, what was he thinking, did he think of me, his brothers, was he crying, what happened. Questions we will never know that haunt us. I know it's hard, but you should thing about going to a counselor, it really does help to talk, but you know coming here helps to. Sometimes I find it easier to write what I feel and not be face to face, you can just vent an you need to, get it out of your body and let the words fly. i know that sounds weird, but talking helps me a lot, I dont know some days how I keep it together, but I sometimes think Timmy wouldn't want me to be sad, or upset, or depressed, and I cry to him every night and tell him I'm sorry that this happened, maybe I could have changed things then this wouldn't have happened. I take meds to help me sleep at night, but i won't take anything else even though the drs think I should take antidepressants I won't do it, I don't like to feel weirded out, my pain is my pain. I know you think that drinking will help ease your pain, but it won't, because when you wake up the pain is still there and then you feel like sh** because you were drinking. You know this because I can see it in your message, you poor thing, I wish I could just hug you tight. Just keep coming here and talking, vent, cry beause you need to and it's ok, it's ok to cry and be unhappy, this is grieving, yes we lost our babies and no one understands this more than another mom. Please know that you are not alone and we are here for you.

God Bless
Bette
Timmy's mom

Yes, I know Bette. I don't want to drink that's why I didn't drink a lot last night. Like trying to come off easy. I'm going to do everything in my power tonight not to drink. In a while I'm going to try and see if I can clear up John's website. I don't want it to shut down. I know I'll cry but I want to do it. Yes you're right about feeling worse in the morning. I can't even begin to tell you. Dry heaves, Tums, pepto Bismol, coffee, puking. Good golly miss molly, somebody slap me! And if I get any fatter I'm gonna bust. I'm over 200 now and growing. Drinking puts it on fast. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna stop. I might have to call somebody. I don't have anybody to call anymore. Relatives just want to let it go. friends, they do not want to hear about it anymore. Strangers, it scares them and they get away from you. It's like we are getting punished because somebody killed our kids. That sounds crazy. I just miss them that's all. The kids are suppose to live, we are suppose to die before them. This living h3ll is killing me!
xoxo
Thanks again Moms
pw

I got to John's web site and cried my guts out. I had lost some of the previous posts but Matt went in this time and Archived them. I still can't understand why he has to be dead. I have a headache as big as my behind and I need a drink. I'm really gonna try after work. This grieving is for the birds. But I better face it before I pickle my insides. My hearts stays heavy. I still don't have a car so maybe I won't go to the Citgo. If you want to see John you can. He's so handsome. He was a good boy. Drug free, hard worker, went to church. Just like all of the other murdered victims. No reason for it. I would love to strangle Cicero with my dogs chain. Wonder what he would be thinking. Maybe that he was sorry, maybe that he made a mistake, maybe that he shouldn't have #ucked with Patricia!!!!!!!! AAAGGGHHHHAAAA!
OK OK OK
I vented again. I just hope that old man down stairs don't mess with me today! I have an attitude, no liquor and a gun!
Peek in my window,,,,,,,,,,,, oh buddy we'll see about that!!!
Patricia

We are constantly turning the questions in our minds. Our advocate tells us that when they interviewed over 150 women that had been stabbed and thought they were going to die what the last thing the remembered before they lost consciousness...they all said how much they love their family. I hold that thought very dear to my heart and believe that our love was the last thing our beautiful Lisa was thinking. I can't bear to think of it any way as I don't think my heart can possibly take anymore pain. Our love is stronger than anything else in this or any other world and that provides me with some peace.
Laura

Laura, I find myself going over and over what Kaylin could have been thinking. Since her case is still being investigated there is so much I am not told. I do know that she did not die quickly but that from all we have been told that her death was painless. I wonder if she was aware of what was going on. Was she able to hear the people who tried to intervene? Did she know that they tried to get help for her? Did she think of us? Did she want me? Even at 20, when she was sick she would call me and let me know she wasn't feeling well so I could bring her 7 up and medicine and whatever she needed. If she was at my house she would run my husband out and come sleep with me because she was sick and wanted her mama. I wonder if she was aware when he dumped her in that ravine and if she laid there wanting me to come and get her. Wanting me to come and help her. It tears me up thinking that she may have wanted me to help her and I didn't. It rips my heart out that he tossed my baby girl away like she meant nothing. She meant the world to me and he threw her away. He threw my precious baby girl away. When I think how possible it is that we might still not know where she was it makes me ill. I am so thankful that she was found.

Laura, KIm, and all,
I guess it is ok to cry. For me it's just gonna have to be. I got my car after 11 days of no car. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't drink. I did I want to be very very truthful about that with Moms because I need your prayers. I need to have Jesus back in my life. I need somehow to forgive, I have to find a way other wise I'm going to continue down hill. Actually I'm already on the bottom, not sure I can get any lower. I cried when I read your posts. I know exactly how you feel. I want to say that I really really really tried not to drink on the 30th. But at 9:00 pm I tried to call one of the Moms and she couldn't hear me. I thought if I got busy I could gedt it off my mind. Well, it didn't work, I drank three beers which is nearly nothing compaired to what I usually drink. Oh and I drank them with a straw, cause they say you get higher that way. (just so you know) then I went to bed. I got my car yesterday and had three beers again last night. Tonight I'm going to try for none or only two. (with the straw) shoot I wonder if snorting the beer would be even better. I'm just being stupid you ladies already know I say things just to be saying something. My sister has started to call me the drama Queen. So what! We all gotta be something right. One good thing I haven't had a hangover for two days. Maybe I can do it. Gosh, please keep me in your prayers, I want to clear my mind, when John's trial starts I have to go and I want to be sober. I'm really very serious about this. I'm going to start praying. I have been angry with God and now I know it's all for nothing. God is the boss. What could I be thinking. God, I ask you right now with all the Moms as witness, please help me forgive and bring me back into your fold Lord God, have mercy on me. I can't do this alone I need you.
amen,
crying again and hot flashing.,,,,,,,,
Patricia
xoxo