HI MOM'S I BEEN GONE OFF-LINE FOR A WHILE,NOW I AM BACK,REALLY I BEEN SOUL SEARCHING MY BROKEN HEART,HOW DO I GET ME BACK?HOW DO I LOVE AGAIN?THESE ARE THE QUESTION'S HAVE BEEN IN MY HEAD LATELY!!I AM LIVING WITH MY BROTHER,AND REALLY I NEED MY SPACE,IT'S BEEN HARD,ME AND MY BOY'S ARE SO LOST,I AM PLANNING TO MOVE REALLY SOON AGAIN TO GET OUR OWE HOME,I BEEN SO DEPRESSED I JUST WANT ME BACK,I HAVE NO DIRECTION!!I MISS U ALL SO MUCH,I REALLY NEED ALL MY FRIEND'S TO KNOW WITHOUT THE SUPPORT OF MOM'S I WOULD HAVE GAVE UP LONG TIME AGO,I LEFT MY HUSBAND A WHILE NOW,SO BEING A SINGLE MOM IS REALLY KICKING IN NOW,THE BITTERNESS OF WHAT MY HUSBAND DID ME IN MY MARRIAGE HAS REALLY BROUGHT ME DOWN,LORD SO MUCH PAIN AT ONE TIME,I AM REALLY GOING THROUGH A MAJOR SETBACK BECAUSE OF HIM,I HAVE NEVER LIVE WITH ANY ONE NOW LIVING WITH MY BROTHER IS SO HARD,I HAVE NO JOB,BEEN LOOKING BUT NO ANSWER,THE HOILDAY'S IS AROUND THE CORNER AND I FEEL SO LOSS,MOM'S I NEED HELP,I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T GET IT TOGHTER,I FELL TO MY KNEES LAST NIGHT AND CRY TO THE LORD TO PLEASE HELP ME,I AM AT THE END OF MY ROPE,NO WAY TO GO OR NO PURPOSE TO LIFE,I FEEL SO SORRY FOR MY SON'S,THEY ARE TRULY HURTING INSIDE BECAUSE THEY MOTHER SEEM'S LIKE SHE CAN'T GET IT TOGHTER,IS THIS NORMAL TO FEEL LIKE THIS?AM I GOING BACK IN MY GRIEF?IT'S BEEN 2 YEAR'S OF HELL FOR ME,I AM SO BITTER,ANGRY AND JUST LOST FOR WORD'S!PLEASE KNOW AGAIN THAT I AM TRYING SO HARD TO GET THROUGH ALL THESE PROBLEM'S,HUG'S TO U ALL,TONY'S-MOM-MICHELLE!

HI MICHELL WELCOME BACK TO THE MOTHER HOOD.I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THRU I MYSELF HAVE BEEN WITHOUT A JOB NOW FOR 4 MONTHS .I PRAY TO GOD TO PLEASE SEND ME ONE SOON .MICHELLE YOU ARE A FIGHTER, YOU FALL DOWN YOU CAN GET BACK UP .YOUR SONS KNOW YOU ARE A GOOD MOM. YOU WILL SEE YOUR WAY ,YOU KNOW TONY IS WATCHEN OVER YOU ALL THE TIME.HE IS PROUD OF YOU PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP, GIVE THIS TO GOD HE WILL WORK IT OUT THAT"S WHAT I BELIEVE.I AM ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU ANY TIME JUST CALLED PLEASE.OR E-MAIL ME LOVE MY SIS MOM (JOANN)HUBERT.MOM

Michelle,
Welcome back online and try to hang in there. I don't believe you are going back...the greif seems like it is always there and just some moments, days or even minutes we are able to cope better than others. It has the strongest grip on my heart. My neighbor lost her son 20 years ago and still has tears in her eyes when she speaks of him. For us moms there is no normal but everything we feel we must deal with as best as we can on our time table. As for the person we used to be and the life we had that too is forever gone. We must begin a new life and start a new "me". My counselor lost her daughter and hit rock bottom before she dug herself out of this pit we are all thrown into. She has learned to accept the life she was dealt with...the one without her daughter...and is now helping others. I too wonder what the purpose is and hope that one day I will find it...I have two girls and for them I just try to take it one day at a time. Each night when I go to bed I feel like I never want to wake up again because the pain is so great but I know that I must for my girls and for Lisa. Michelle try to hang in there and be PATIENT with yourself and your emotions. My daughter gets so frustrated and I tell her it is a state of disorganization that we are in and we may never get out of so we must be patient and try to deal with it as best as we can...even if it is just a little at a time. Our love and many hugs. Laura

MIchelle, I am learning something through this and that is that if I can survive the death of my child then I can survive ANYTHING. Now there are some days I feel like I just want to die and think I cannot survive another minute and my son is the only thing that I get out of bed for. You will find a job, you will get your own home again, your boys know that you are a good mom and who you were before has changed. You know things now that have forever changed you. Our lives will never be what they used to be. I know God hears your prayers. I wish I could say I didn't question God in this, but I can't, but I know he hears us and that he is there. I will join you in prayer for a job and for the things that will bring you comfort. The only thing I do not like about this being online, is that you can only send cyber hugs, but I am sending them your way Michelle. {{HUG}}

Michell,
I know how hard it to be living with someone when you need your space. When I finally got the guts to leave the creep I was married to I lived with Mom and Dad for awhile. I love them dearly and my dad has since passed but I couldn't live my way I was living in their home so I lived by their rules and ways. When I finally found a job and got an apartment for myself and my boys I started feeling better about my life. I kinda feel the same way now I need to start all over again and can't quite figure out how to do that without my Jim, my son and best friend. I made a plan and stuck to it years ago but I can't even come up with a plan now.
My prayers are with you I will pray that you find a job and find a place of your own. And I will pray that you find some peace. This is one journey that I sure wish not one of us had to be on.
Jimmy's Mom
Shirley

Hi Michelle, I'm so sorry things are so hard. I do understand the feeling, I've been a single mom for 15 years, well 16 1/2 now. I know it's hard, I worked full time the whole time my kids growing up, begging people to watch them when they were sick so I would not lose my job, I missed so much of their growing up, now Timmy my baby gone, it breaks my heart. Some days I feel like i'm not going to get thru it, but somehow I manage to wake up every morning and get thru the day. Take one day at a time, one minute at a time, there are some really rough days I know been there, I broke down in work last Friday and cried in the bathroom stall for almost an hour, it just hits me and I fall apart. I haven't been feeling well and don't sleep. It is a hard life and one that has been changed forever. Just keep coming here and talking, it really does help to talk how you feel and know you are not alone.

God Bless
Bette
Timmy's mom

Michell,
I've missed you so bad. I'm sorry I stopped calling. I stopped talking to anybody and started drinking. I know it was a mistake. I'm so sorry for all the hardship you have had to endure. My heart is always heavy. I wouldn't read Moms for a long while because the pain was too much to for me. I haven't even looked at Johns website, Joann said it was full and you couldn't post on it anymore. I fall apart when I see his picture. I guess if anybody knows, you do. Thanks for being such a caring wonderful person Michell.
Kiss kiss
Patricia

Hi Michell, Glad that you are back. Don't give up Girl. God does listen to our cries. He does answers our prayers. But, he does it on his time...not ours. Call on him for his strength. "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13 My prayers go out to you, Your angel Tony, and his brothers. God bless you.

Michelle, one day at a time. Just do one positive thing today, another tomorrow, and then another the next day. You will get your life back. I've missed talking to everybody also. I also have been doing some soul searching and the one thing I have found is staying as busy as I can does help. I work long hours and then come home and work at home, inside the house or in the yard. I really like my job, even though I wasn't going to start back to work. I meet some wonderful people.

There was this one family that had just come back from doing some volunteer work. We started talking and I mentioned to him about Michael. Since he was a religious man, I asked the question: "How do you forgive someone that has murdered your child?" He did not give me an answer, but thought about and came back the next day and said, "No man on earth can give you that answer". He was so right.

How are the boys? Give them my love.

Michelle, I think I know you well enough, to ask you to get Michelle back. One positive thing today and another tomorrow. You can do it. Honor Tony with small things. Don't let Tony's murder destroy you also.

I will never get over losing Michael, but I will not let Jennifer, the cold blooded killer, take over my life either. If you ever want to talk you have my number.

Love to you and the boys.