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Re: How to help my son with his grief

I just want to say I'm so sorry another mother is going down this road , It is one no one wants to be on. I'm so sorry for your loss. May God be with you & YOUR FAMILY. Bobbie Billy Lee's mom

Re: How to help my son with his grief

Paula:

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this tragic time. I have a 23 yr. old daughter that now is my only child after the murder of my 25 yr. old son, I must say she is doing fairly well considering they were very close. As others have said maybe counciling would help him.

I hope the person that did this to your daughter gets all of the 180 years plus some.

Nanci/Travis' Mom - I love you buddy!

Re: How to help my son with his grief

I am so sorry for your loss. I have a 12 years old son. He is my only child after his sister's death. Has your son been in contact with The Compassionate Friends? They have information on sibling grief. Once again, I am so sorry for what your family is going through.

Re: How to help my son with his grief

my prayers are with you paula,and your family.

Re: How to help my son with his grief

I'm so sorry also, I have 2 other sons who will not seek out counseling or anything. My oldest cried all the time couldn't sleep, he wanted to kill himself I was so scared for him, it was terrible. My middle son just didn't talk, he stayed with his friends mostly. They have gotten a bit better and I do try and talk with them, I myself go to grief counseling and come here all the time. Without Mom's I'd be lost, we need each other as no one understand the pain we go thru.

God Bless
Bette
Timmy's mom

Re: How to help my son with his grief

Is there any type of online support group for siblings, like there is for us? There may be one for older siblings. I'll see if I can find one.

Re: How to help my son with his grief

Paula, I am so sorry about your daughter Cindy. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. Compassionate Friends is a wonderful support group that you and your son can go to together. I pray you get justice for your daughter. Everyone here totally understands what you are going thru. The emotions don't go away but you learn how to live with them day by day. Take care.

Re: How to help my son with his grief

Paula,
My girls found Sibling connection online as well as some other online websites that helps to explain the grief so they may deal/cope with it. Their pain/loss feels very similar to mine. I have also read (& talked to others who have lost their siblings)where it is just as lasting and sometimes the only thing that lessens the grip it has on your heart is when you have your own child. The sibling relationship is potentially the longest relationship that they will have. When they lose their sibling they too lose a part of them that has grown over the years. I am reading a book called "The Worst Loss" and it describes many emotions and why we feel them and most importantly it lets you know that your feelings are "normal" for anyone who has to travel this road. I am so sorry about your daughter...We lost our daugther four months ago and it gets very lonely very fast... we are grateful to find this website as well as our crime advocates who offer counseling to all victims. Be patient with yourself and try not to have unrealistic expectations with the emotions as they come out of nowhere and are the strongest I have ever experienced. Know that all the moms are here for you to help, share stories or just to vent. My computer is used far more than my phone as we are "lucky" if we get one phone call a day after the "dust" settled and everyone went back to their lives. Love from our family. Laura

Re: How to help my son with his grief

Thanks everone for their helpful comments. Everyone seems to have gone back to their lives. I have one sister who calls me on a daily basis. I also have four grandaughters (Cindy;s daughters). They are 8,5,4, and 3years old. I can see a little bit of my daughter in each one of them.
There is a Pre-Trial conference supposedly for the lawyers. I am not sure if I should go. The Prosecutors say that I am welcome to attend. The trial is set right now to begin on Jan.13, 2009.

Re: How to help my son with his grief

I too am so very sorry for your loss and the pain it is causing your family.
There are a couple of good online sibling groups and it makes it easier for them to communicate. you might try and find a sibling group through a church or community center, we couldn't find one so we started our own, the pastor of the Methodist Church here found us a fasilitator.
Be aware that court dates change often and the average time is 1 and 1/2 years, there is a lot of manuvering on the defence side and it can wear you down and beat you up, as if we aren't already worn down and beat up enough.
Sending love, light and prayers
Kayt, Wes Matheson's mom

Re: How to help my son with his grief

hi paula, my name is cheryl first off i am so sorry for your loss i know how you feel my son ernest was murdered 10-2-06 and he left behind 5 brothers and 1 sister you know my 6 yr old thought the world of ernest he would run to the door and say E i love you boppies that was what ernest called him every since he was old enough to understand it killed my soul just to know that he would not have ernest in his life i really did not know to what extent this affected alex until he came to me recently and said mom i be having dreams and i said what are your dreams about he said i see E all the time he said mom in this grown up tone of voice he said E is okay mom it's going to be allright my son's are 24 23 and on sunday ernest would be 21 and 17yrs old and 14yrs old with autism you know looking back my 14 yr old with autism usually has his little tantrums but when this happened he was so quiet and he did not have 1 tantrum i felt he knew what was going on with our family as he is so smart he is high functioning all of the kids also my oldest is a girl she's 27yrs old they were my rock to lean on they constantly kept telling me that ernest is in a better place because we all knew E so well he would not of wanted to be living with the wounds he suffered at the hands of these cowards the 2 guys that are responsible for this act they too were caught after a high speed chase and and k-9 were brought in to search for them i say that it was purely gods intervention as they shot ernest in the doorway of a store front church i am not a regular church goer now and i believe in god to the upmost but it had to be something from above to have them caught right after doing this to my child it is so wrong to take a life especially right in the doorway of a church also ernest was a videographer for his churches youth ministry he did this for 3yrs only missing 3 sundays i have been thru the court process and at sentencing 1 of the guys filed a motion i guess to have a new lawyer i personally think that reality sunk in for this monster that at 25yrs old he was going away for the rest of his life the shooter recieved 50 to life no chance of parole and he thought since he did not do the shooting he is going to get a chance at some sort of freedom well he is responsible because he asked for a rental car from a girl then he went and picked up this monster and both had guns when the police searched the car it's like he started this and when he got caught he wants to act like since he was just driving and he did not fire his gun he should be shown some type of mercy. sorry to get off the subject i think a siblings have a different kind of relationship then us parents and kids tell your son that he can come to you to talk about his sister when he needs to since that would really be comforting to you i find it really comforting when my son's come tell me all their stories about things i did not even know that ernest and them had done when they were younger some good and some a little mischevious, but we sit up and share with each other and i feel good to know that he is still so much on their minds i did not want to show my kids how much agony i am in behind not having ernest here with me i cry to myself so they wont see me for fear of bringing them all this pain again it is hard and just pray for the power to get thru this daily, coming here i am able to express my feelings when in my everyday life at home i dont feel like i can be strong and talk with your son as i know it is so hard i am so glad you have your grandbabies to look at and have a piece of your daughter in each and every one of the girls go on i wish i was lucky enough to really have a little piece of ernest left there is a baby but we questioned the baby all the time and i have let the time lapse for a dna test to be done because i did not want to be so mean now i will never really know. sorry for such a long reply god bless you mom and your family on this journey. cheryl mom to ernest

Re: How to help my son with his grief

My son doesn't talk about his Sissy much, but today he did a little. He told me how he felt the day he found out. That he knew something was wrong and that it shocked him to hear it was his Sissy. He carries an I O U that she wrote him to borrow $5.00. Today he told me that he felt sad because she wouldn't come over anymore and say, "Hey Smelly Boy, you're gettin tall." I thought it was something to get that much from him. I know he hurts. I see it in the message he left on her website. One of his pet peeves was someone telling him that she was like a sister to them. He told me, "Mom she was MY sister and they try acting like she was theirs." That bothered him. We got really useful information from Compassionate Friends.

Re: How to help my son with his grief

Paula,
I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your child. I think some people don't realize that brothers and sisters are hit hard when this happens. John's brother JoJo is drinking too too much as I am. He has been in and out of the hospital since John was murdered. When I talk to him we cry he tells me he kept most of John's clothes and Jimmy the youngest stays in the dumps. He has been staying home and never wants to go anywhere. Like they are closed in or something. JoJO says he doesn't know what to do. He won't go to court because he says he will kill one of them if he sees them. Here at Moms they will help you and give you information and support. Somebody has already lived through it. They are helping me for one. Several of the moms email me maybe not all the time but enough to remind me I'm really not alone and dying in pain forever. There is hope somewhere, I still have to find it. I'm sorry again for your loss.
xoxo
Patricia

Re: How to help my son with his grief

My sons Jeff & Christopher did not go to court with us. They simply could not deal with facing him and especially when the verdict came in not guilty. Chris trains in Mouy Tye/karate/kick boxing type fighting (can't spell it) and could probably hurt him easily. My other Scott said there is not way either of us could have stopped him if he decided to do something in the courtroom.

Sometimes even the strongest of us can't handle situations and it's kinder not to push them. If nothing else, I learned that everyone has their limits both physically and mentally. People will do what they can do, sometimes it alot, sometimes its to withdraw, either way its what's best for them.

Donna, Randy's Mom