I was just wondering how the rest of your family is coping with the court dates. My sister who was like a second mom to Gene when he was little... her kids who grew up with Gene... my brothers and other neices and nephews who grew up with Gene... his friends... my friends (who I have left)...his dads side of the family...which is a big family and Gene was pretty close to all of them... Not once has anybody called to ask me how the court procedings are going. None of the family goes into his website and lights a candle for him. If it wasn't for you moms lighting candles for him the only ones there would be from me! It just hurts me so bad. I want to scream at everybody and tell them that he did not die because he was sick! He was murdered!!! When it first happened and we found out somebody had been arrested...Oh, everyone was telling me to let them know when there was going to be court dates so they can go. I am NOT going to call and let them know. I can barely go on with my life. I don't have the energy to call everyone up and let them know. Why don't they call me??? I have been going to court by myself for sixteen months now. Sometimes my daughter that lives here in Phoenix will go with me...when she can. Yes, everybody lives in Tucson...which is a 1 1/2 hour drive...but it is not so much that I want them to come down...just call and ask. Ask how things are going. I just had to vent out a little...as you can see. :-) Sending you all my love.

Angie
I have four sisters three of them have been with me every step of the way.
As for Jimmy's father's side of the family not one came to the trial and only one Aunt has shown concern I know she would have been at the trial but she wouldn't have been able to keep quiet so she felt it best she didn't come. Jim's own father hasn't even called to see how things are going, oh well he wasn't part of Jim's life anyway. Jimmy's friends came to hearings when they could. One of his best buddies came to almost every court date. Wasn't easy for him he lives about 3 hours away.
sending Hugs for you, just remember each and everyone of us are there for you in sprit, right by your side.
Jim's Mom Shirley

Same here for me, my sister will go and has been with me all the way, my other sister is in FL. But there are some friends I know who keep saying they will go, but not oneof his dad's family even calls. I know how much Timmy was loved by so many, I carry that in my heart. Time and life goes on, people go on about their lives, we are stuck here forever that's why it hurts so much because we can't move on. So I carry the thought that Timmy will always be loved, and honored, he is my hero, his life meant something to so many, but for those who go on with their life than so be it, I know it hurts, very very much, but you have to remember the good memories, some people just can't deal with the hurt, we have no other choice.

God Bless
Bette
Timmy's mom

Angie,
I can't even talk to Chris because Oscar says I upset her and we have to let go. She went to court again on the 24th and I have no Idea what happened. I've gotten to the point where it's one day at a time. I have been drinking everyday and now I have no car, I wrecked it, it's a long story but yes I was drunk and didn't care. I hate knowing that John is dead, Julie, Benny. It just kills me. I don't hardly read Moms anymore cause I cry. When I wrecked the car I thought I had a heart attack. I didn't even bother to go to the hopsital, you know what I did? I went to bed with a bottle of vodka. I thought I was going to die, and I didn't even care. I welcomed it. Then I woke up with whiplash and a hangover from Egypt. God, I can't talk to anybody, I have tried. They think I'm crazy I guess. maybe I am. I will continue the same way until something either wakes me up or I never wake up. Don't know what to do. I will not go to a shrink or AA meetings. My neighbor talked to me the other day. I couldn't believe it. She was so nice, I think she just likes my dog. Why would she want to be so nice to me. Oh well. I felt so guilty because of the way I felt I gave her a bag of the products I sell. Kind of like I had to pay her to talk to me. Now when I see her I go the other way like she's not there. What the heck is wrong with me.....
Nevermind???? Angie, I'm so sorry this has happened to you and to all the Moms. It just hasn't stopped hurting. I guess it never will. On the 30th it will be 8 months since they murdered John. I still feels like yesterday. Like time stood still, where in the heck do all these tears come from? I thought since I had no car I would stop drinking. Ha, what a joke, I still got legs and walk to the Citco for a 12 pack. If I'm lucky somebody gives me a lift. I found twenty dollars yesterday. I don't know why I said that. I think sometimes I do want to talk, and scream, and cry and hear what happened to your kids and cry some more. Oh poor pathetic Patricia, everybody get your violins and play me a tune while I leave a tear in my beer. I'm just a looser now.

All of our family are in Texas so we are the only ones out here. We are still in investigation phase and I don't know if we will even get to court. My family check in everyday to see what I have found out, if anything. Pretty much everyday I tell them we are still waiting. Her bio asked one time if I had heard anything, but he actually called for another reason. One Aunt on his side gave me a card. Her two year old died 6 years ago from cancer so she does know the loss of a child. Every year on the day he died, I send ehr flowers to let her know I am thinking of her that day. They go on and on about how close they were to her and how they loved her, yet they never called her and haven't called to see if we know anything. I feel like you Angie, I am not going to call them. It'd be one thing if they bothered to pick up the phone and check, but they don't. It always seemed like, out of site, out of mind with them. She has a 12 year old brother and they don't even call to see how he is coping. IF we ever get past the investigation, family has said they will fly up here. Right now I get support from my sisters, but they don't really understand. They try though. It was hard on all of us to lose our mom and I tell them that this is harder. I don't think you really can understand unless you walk in our shoes and I hope they never have to. It is amazing how many think you should just move on. How can you?

Patricia
You ARE NOT A LOOSER you are grieving !!!
I am smoking a lot more now and I drink way too much caffeine. I don’t sleep much, I wake up every morning shaking and cry when I am alone. I don’t drink but then again I never did otherwise I might be doing the same. If you don’t want to go to AA maybe you could find a group in your area that deals with grieving, I am still trying to find one around here. Most of all don’t stay away from MOMS we are all here for you!!
Jimmy’s Mom
Shirley

Patricia, Shirley is right. You are grieving. I think many of us pull away. There are times I don't want to be around anyone. I spend a lot more time alone then before and I too, have avoided people and can understand that. You are in pain. Let us be there to help support you and cry with you. There is no judgement here. We are all here for you.

I want to thank all of you that responded to my post. Thank you for your kind words. I just feel so alone. So lost. Patricia, You are in pain just like we all are. I am sure you are not the only one dealing with grief by drinking. Girl, reading your post and feeling the pain that you are in you did make me laugh. You are not crazy! Just in pain! Try to find a support group where you can talk to other people. I go to P.O.M.C. support meetings twice a month since my Gene died. And they have really helped me. Especially since I can't talk to my family. I have made some friends there. I also was going to Compassionate Friends once a month but I can't go there anymore because of my work schedule. Now you know that John, Julie and Benny don't want to see you doing this to yourself. Please take care of yourself. Everyone here cares what happens to you. YOU are not a loser. My heart and prayers go out to you. Sending you lots of hugs. {{{Patricia}}}

Angie,
I think we can totally relate as we too tell our family about the candles, the memory page and how much it means to us if they would just light a candle to show they visited. But it must be too hard for them or they just don't listen. I told many people that our phone does not dial out and that took care of that we have not heard from them since. That is okay...My counselor told me that if they are able to provide you what you need then you don't need them on your "team"! She tried to fire her D.A. when her daughter was murdered. Why should we call anyway...I feel like I am begging someone to talk and they prefer to talk about themselves anyway. Thank goodness we all have not only a place to vent but others who are caring and willing to listen. Take care and hang in there. Laura

Laura we did the same thing about Kaylin's website. We asked family and friends to please share their memories with us and to light a candle. I have decided that I am not calling anyone who doesn't check in. Sadly Kaylin's bio dad has only asked one time if I heard anything and even then he called about something else. His one sister who lost a child sent a card but none of the rest of his family have called to see if we have heard anything, but we sure heard at the funeral how close they were and how hard it was to lose her. So hard that you can't call to see what is happening and to check on her brother? I cannot understand it. My one sister calls everyday and I know she has lost sleep worrying and thinking about her. She is who I do talk to when I feel like talking to anyone.

Hi, Angie. The moon rises, the sun sets, the wind blows, the flowers bloom, spring comes, summer goes, fall arrives, holidays come and go, but our children are not here. Life goes on for everyone around us.

I'm not saying that most family members and friends, don't care, they do. Everyone just deals with grief and heartache differently. If they aren't around it, it won't affect them. I truly believe that this is why family members keep their distance. They don't want the reminders.

Please, don't let this upset you. This road that we walk is a very lonely walk and unles someone has taken this walk with you,noone understands. I have come to terms with that.

I know less and less people are going on Michael's website to light candles, but so I am. That does not mean I do not love him or miss him as much. I carry Michael in my heart every second, every minute, every hour and every day. So many candles have been lite for Michael since his murder and I am grateful for each and everyone of them.

When I see someone new lite a candle for Michael, I know that in someway he has affected another life.

Michael's trial is due to start October 14th.

Love to you...