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What stupid things some people say


I asked if I could do the bulletin board at our work for the National Day of Remembrance. One of the ladies that is director over the Safe House says:

Make sure you put on it "the lighter side" I do not want everyone going by and feeling sad.

I bit my tongue but boy did she get an ear full from the Supervisor and others.

I should of asked her what the lighter side of your child being murdered is.

Some people have ALL the stupidity.

Love and Prayers

Cindy Monica's Mom

Re: What stupid things some people say

Yea if there is a lighter side tell her we would all like to know just what it is. I can't believe some people obviously she has NOT walked in our shoes.
Much love to you all
Jim's Mom

Re: What stupid things some people say

I guess the bottom line is that unfortunately some of us live in a world that no body wants to enter. That's one thing but there are some pretty unreasonable expectations out there. I just think thaty people just don'ty and don't want to "get this' so that is why if we didn't have each other it would be sooo hard. I wish we could just move in together until we are " normal" !!


Re: What stupid things some people say

Is there a lighter side to losing your child? I had no idea. Could she share that with us?

My boss wants me to go to training in October. I told her that my availability would be dependent on what if anything was going on with Kaylin's case at that time. She actually asked me when I would know so she could put me down to attend. I just looked at her and said, "I wish I knew. If I had my way, I wouldn't even be going through this at all." She then told me that if it was anything like when her daughter went to court (as a witness) that it took awhile. I just wanted to say that I was sure being a witness and a murder victim were so similar but I bit my tongue. I couldn't believe she would compare the two. As for the National Day for Homicide Victims, my co workers have all said they will wear ribbons in her memory that day.

I have heard a lot of, I know how you feel, I lost my sister, mom, friend etc. Well, I lost my mom five years ago and she and I were very close. I miss her tremendously and I mourned her and still do, but I can say with certainty that her death was different then losing Kaylin. I try to believe they are trying in their own way to understand, but I wish they wouldn't say that to me.

Re: What stupid things some people say

I agree with Shirley. If there is a lighter side sign me right up for it. This woman should be ashamed of herself. I wish people that don't know what to say or are just plain stupid would just say nothing. Robin, Chris' Mom Always

Re: What stupid things some people say

You are all so right. Kim the work thing is especially a tough one--I was told that my emotional outbursts--2 in 3 months because they were provocated by the scum bast**** called the United States Postal Service--needed to be addressed. Others ("emotional outbursts")-- scream, argue, sing loudly, yell wildly, etc. but because mine come from the grief of losing my daughter to murder-- I am held to higher standards than the others. They want me to quit so they are pressuring me and discriminating because they know I will be using sick leave that is covered by FMLA and that will hurt their numbers. Any need to explain the phrase--Going Postal? They keep trying to shove a counselor down my throat because he would provide them with my info so it can be used against me. They have done this to many others so they can fire. The counselor and several of the management where I work have not once extended their sympathy to me about Lisa--they did not sign the cards nor have even spoken about it. And not because they are afraid but because they are evil. They are the ones who need counseling on how to be a human being. Perhaps the stupid ones should look into it as well. All of us are more compassionate and have more sense than they will ever have. The comparision game should be the first red flag for the stupidity group. My oldest daughter had someone tell her that he lost his uncle so he knew how it felt. Her face was so red when she told us that and wanted to tell him someone walked up and murdered my 18 year old sister for no reason how in the h*** can that feel the same as losing an uncle? Actually her friends have more compassion and sense than the rest. They beep when they drive by, stop over constantly, light candles and visit her gravesite and leave her things to remember them by. And they are the ones that counseling books tell you don't have the necessary tools yet to deal with this type of greif! If we hear--move on, get back to normal, she is in a better place away from all those bad people (who? us?) and of couse I know how you feel anymore perhaps we will suggest they get counseling to learn how to deal with someone who has lost everything their world has ever meant to them. Yes we have many things to be thankful for--she wasn't "tortured", endorphens kept her from actually feeling the physical pain of being stabbed to death but she still fought for her life and in her last moments knew she was going to die and had no idea why, they caught the murdered and he admitted it, her resting area is a beautiful cemetary, but most importantly we still have three beautiful daughters (including Lisa as she will always be part of our family). We also have to deal with the greif our other two daughters have and what they will have to live with the rest of their lives that will never be "normal" again. I am so lucky to have them but this overwhelming greif that grips my heart so tight that many times I feel like I can't even breathe or even look at her memory of life website without crying at times keeps me from being there for them as much as I should. My youngest daughter always feels awkward telling people how I am doing so she just says, she's okay. She thinks I am doing better than she would if she were in my shoes. She is alot like me and I tell people the same (because if you tell them anything else they either say stupid things or change the topic) and I think we both know it is just a front so we can end the conversation before we hear something insensitive. I avoid mostly everyone I can so they don't feel the "need" to ask me how it is going. That started when a co-worker told me she was going to make sure her daughter had self defense lessons before she let her move off to college--because I guess I just didn't feel enough like I failed her and needed to be reminded of something else I should have done to save her life. Everyone just hang in there and stay strong and know we can all come here to vent. I love the idea of all of us forming our own community. I have thought about that for the sick bast**** that they don't have room for and are turning out on the streets. I even have a name for it--SOLAT:KEA. They could purchase old wharehouses to convert to apartments and staff it with medical personnel--an assisted living complex.We can save the world but we have start somewhere so the intials stand for SAVING ONE LIFE AT A TIME: KILL EACH OTHER. Sorry I am so bitter and have gotten off track but perhaps we could start our own little condo community.
Love to all. Laura

Re: What stupid things some people say

I am just so sorry for all of you having problems at work. My boss told me he had lost a child, he didn't say I know how you feel. He also told me if at anytime I felt like I just needed to leave that I was free to do so. they can be pretty insensitive about a lot of things but have been good to me through this. They did take my position as Supervisor away but I have found out it had nothing to do with this,and they actually did me a favor. Now when I put in hours of over time I get paid for it. I too when someone asks how I am just say I'm OK must be the standard answer for us HUA?
Thank God for MOMS!!
Jimmy's mom Shirley

Re: What stupid things some people say

Laura I am so sorry that you are facing that at work. It isn't enough that you have to live through what happened to Lisa, but they make it worse. My boss' boss told me that 25 years ago his brother was murdered and he could not even imagine having it be your child. He knows his mom is still having trouble with it. I know if I have to I can go to him to get my boss to lighten up. I think it is just that she doesn't understand or know how to be compassionate. She isn't on everyday ordinary things either so I knew she wouldn't be over this. I thought I saw on the POMC website where they help with job issues. Maybe they could help. Since there were drugs involved in Kaylin's death and the first article on the newspaper said that it was an accidental overdose, I get the people who act like she deserved to die. Never mind the article that the detective said that he found the case very disturbing and that there initial thought was not correct. They ignore that one. Plus the fact that the investigation is still ongoing and has been called complicated. Then I sit and think that this boy who left my daughter in a ravine under a rock is sitting at home with his family and going about his business and it makes me sick. I know that we are lucky that we even found her and that this could be 2 1/2 months of still looking for her. I am so thankful to the Sheriff's that they found her. I just get so tired of not knowing anything and of wondering if they will do all of this and then the DA decide not to do anything to this boy. I don't think I can handle it if they don't do anything to him. I am very afraid that he may get a slap on the wrist. I get anxiety attacks more frequently but when I went to counseling I didn't find it helpful. I honestly thought as much as I talk to myself in the car and cry and scream that I was getting the same benefits of the counseling without having to pay them. Each day is a struggle to go on. My heart hurts every day. At work I just want to be left alone. Since I was always so social and joking, I get bothered by them telling me how quite I am all the time. Sure I am quite. Sometimes I even sit and cry, but when I hear them coming I brush the tears away and then watch them be uncomfortable as they notice I have been crying. Then they want me to go on a break with them and talk and I just want to tell them to leave me alone and let me sit there and cry and do my work so I can go home. I make myself talk to them sometimes just so they will leave me alone. Maybe I wallow. I don't know, all I know is that every second of everyday I am thinking about my daughter and the memories with her and the future that we will not have. I feel robbed. Every experience is filled with, "I remember when she was here and did this with us, or I wish she was here to do this with us." I have been thinking about the holidays a lot. I guess I am trying to prepare to get through them. If it were not for needing to do them for my son, I would skip them this year. We had so many fun traditions and all I can think is she won't be here for them. Everything reminds me of her. I still can't go through her things.

Re: What stupid things some people say

Thanks Kim on the POMC--I will look into that. My counselor is from the crime advocate and she justs listens and then interjects occassionally and in our state their is no charge for this. At first I was unsure but after a couple times I started looking forward to these visits. I take pictures/projects from shutterfly or just anything new and told her it was show n' tell for me. It is my hour to talk about Lisa with no interuptions, changing of the subject, no judging or feeling like I am making someone feel awkward. My counselor's daughter was murdered and just recently I realized that I had gone to the same school as her daughter. She was murdered by one of our teachers. Needless to say I now understand why I feel such a bond with her. How true the things you are saying and feeling. My girls feel "awkward" because they are afraid their friends will ask if that is all they ever talk about--Lisa. I told them to tell them why not it is all I ever think of anymore. Because that is so true--people think you are just saying that but every second/minute of every day it is so true. I saw a really neat "kimi" and have added it to Lisa's page--You--Will always be the answer when someone asks me what I am thinking about. We have decided we don't care if people are uncomfortable--at least they can get over it. That doesn't mean we don't do the same and avoid them or talk to them just so they can "move on". The collection of information is another bonus that our club offers--we are finding out more information and it is very painful knowing these things. That is why we called the medical examiner so we are not mislead anymore. My counselor told me only a mother in our shoes will understand what and why we need to know these things. Don't exect anyone else to understand because they will never know what you need to do. She is so right. The road is long and lonely and once we are on it there is no way to get off of it. Know that we are all here with you on this journey and will always understand. Take Care and stay strong--as strong as we can. Laura