Well, it's been a long time since I've posted, but whenever I'm in my dark place and can't find my way out I know if I come here there are MOMS who know exactly how I feel. Saturday is Chris' 28th Birthday, his 4th one in Heaven..I am having such a hard time. Whoever said it get's easier LIED>>I want my son here with me, having dinner with his family and I want us all to sing Happy Birthday with him..I don't want to go to the cemetery to see him, which I did last Thursday and sat as his grave for over an hour..I am so tired of searching for answers that don't come and so tired of wanting my Chris. I want all the little things that having children bring you..I want the laughter and the tears..I want to hug my son and tell him I LOVE HIM>>I want to rub the top of his head and smell his cologne. I want every little thing back that we all took for granted when our children were here with us...Chris' birthday is just another reminder of what I don't have..yes, I have my memories and had 23 years with him, but I'm even getting tired of saying that..I WANT CHRISSY HERE !!! I am tired of crying and trying to make sense out of something I never will..I'M JUST TIRED..AND KAREN, FYI, I HAVE BEEN ON MEDICATION AND IN THERAPY SINCE CHRIS WAS MURDERED..I THOUGHT I WAS ABLE TO GO OFF THE MEDS ABOUT 7 MONTHS AGO BUT THAT DIDN'T WORK..I HAD TO GO BACK ON THEM..STICK WITH IT..IT HELPS ME GET UP IN THE MORNING AND GET THROUGH THE DAYS AND YES EVEN THE NIGHTS...TO ALL YOU MOMS STARTING THIS HORRIFIC JOURNEY MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU...THIS TRULY SUCKS!!!!!!!! THANKS FOR LETTING ME VENT..ROBIN, CHRIS MOM ALWAYS

Hi Robin,
I wish Chris a very Happy Birthday in heaven. It will be one year and five months on the 6th of October that my son Eugene was murdered. I miss him so much! I think about him all the time. Not one day has gone by that I don't think about all the good times we had together. He was a mama's boy. But he took care of his mama too. There are days when I still don't think that it is true. I ask myself and God..."Did this really happen? Is my son really gone?" And I let out a scream inside of myself and break down in tears. I am so sorry for the loss of your son Chris. My heart and prayers go out to you. May God always be at your side. And yes...we all know exactly how you feel. Sending you hugs. {{{Robin}}}

Robin
I found this site about 7 months ago my son Jimmy was murdered 9 months ago. I have found so many loving caring moms I always know I can come here vent and have everyone understand. I too think of my son every day I miss him so, so much.
Happy Heavenly Birthday Chris
Love and Prayers
Jimmy's Mom
Shirley

chris have a heavenly birthday ,each day that gose bye i think of hubert .i am so missing him.my prayers are with you always joann-hubert-mom.

I am praying for you today. It has only been 2 1/2 months for us and I still scream everyday. I have begged God to just let this be a horrible dream and let me wake up to see her. I want my baby back. I just want her back. I often wonder how am I supposed to go on with my life when part of my heart is gone? If not for my son, I don't think I could do it at all. Some days it is just a struggle to hold it together for him. I am so sorry for your pain. This is a place I find much comfort. When I talk about her and others suddenly need to go or get off the phone, I know I can come here and rant and vent and cry and that these are all women who understand. They are going through the same pain and they understand. I am sorry that you are in this pain too. I wish none of us had to experience this awful awful pain in our lives. I am thinking of you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this Robin. Randy's birthday was Aug. 3. You know I wanted to have a happy kind of party, he would have really liked that, people having a good time thinking of him. But everyone thought I was loosing my mind. Honey, smile and celebrate the light of your life and the time you had with him. I know it's hard, but remember he's with you giving you a birthday hug too. Have a cake (no candles)and a toast to the good times with all the people who loved him and have everyone tell a funny story about him. It worked for me and you will feel better and not in such a dark place.

Love
Donna, Randy's mom

HI Robin, yes it is si tiring and depressing, sad, horrifying, traumatic and just plain sucks!! I have decided that I just need to do this in my own way and own time and realise that even well meaning people just don't and can't get it so I listen, sometimes, to what they say and I go on in the way I need to even if it isn't what anyone else thinks is right or expects etc. I would love to just be happy with memories too but for me they are not enough. I wanted to make more memories, I want Keara's children to still have their Mom here. I want her here and so do all the people who love her, I think we need to be kind to ourselves and allow ourselves to grieve in the way we have to. I can't presume to tell you how to do that and nobody can tell me to either. The best thing I can to I think is to support and vakidate people's feelings. That is why I am starting a support group where I live for people like me who are trying to survive this nightmare. So i send you love and the hope that you know that I and the other Mom's are here for you. Risking that others may not agree with me I would not prpose that I can tell you how you should feel Your feelings are yours and you are entitled to feeling however you do. All I can do is send you my love and an ear. I can cry with you and do and I just wat you to know how much I care. I so wish none of us had to try to survive this trauma that affects our very soul. If you ever want to talk I have at least for now un limited long distance so I would be glad to call you. Where do you live? I am going to the Nat. Day of Rememberance for homide Victims in DC net Thursday, Sept 25 and hope to see some people who I have already met and to connect. Leigh my youngest daughter is goin g too. I am sending you lots of hugs and kisses. Darien

Sending a sweet Happy Birthday to your baby in heaven. You are in my prayers Robin, I don't think the pain ever goes away and somehow we just manage to get thru the days. I know I most likely will always have to take some kind of med to help me sleep and all

Take care and God Bless
Bette
Timmy's mom

Wes, would have been 27, last week. Although I thought I was doing well and I guess I am, I lost it. The day before his birthday, I was out in my garden and threw a full blown hissy fit, stomping screaming, shouting, crying, the whole thing. I was ripping up weeds and plants whatever got in my way, it came out and went into the wheelbarrow, ready to be dumped with the rest of the -hit that builds up over the years of greiving. The next day (Wes's Birthday) I spent two hours at the Dr's office for while I was wiping the snot and tears off, I was wiping poison Ivy on!!!!!all over my face!!!!! I went up to the cemetary after I went to the doctors and laughed and cried, had I not asked god for a diverson?
I don't care how long it's been since you lost your child, it hurts, it will always hurt, how you deal with the hurt will change.
Robin, while I was puling weeds and wiping snot, I realised I was saying over and over, I want my son back, I want my Wes. I guess it doesn't change for any of us, not really.
Kayt, Wes Matheson's mom

Kayt, I went to the place that Kaylin's body was found yesterday after work. I sat on the rock that she was placed underneath and sat and screamed over and over, that I wanted my daughter back. I guess we all want our children back so badly. There is no poison ivy there, but there IS a lot of poison oak. I knew it was there, but last night I hurt so bad, I just didn't care. I needed to sit there and scream and cry. I cannot even imagine how bad it will be at the holidays and her birthday yet. I can't get through regular days most of the time.

Robin, remembering Chris on his birthday in heaven. Hugs to you today.