I woke up this morning thinking about Jim and wondering why God would take him first, then I remembered something my sister told me she said “I don’t think Jimmy could deal with it if anything was to happen to you, he would be totally lost”. Then thinking there was nothing I wouldn’t have done for him, I would never have wanted him to suffer this pain so maybe God took him before me so that he wouldn’t have to suffer the loss of his mom. Does this make any since I would rather suffer this pain than for him to have had to. It has been nine months today maybe my Christmas present this year will be to see the POS who took Jim’s life heading off to San Quentin.
Jimmy’s Mom

Hi Shirley,
I don't know if you read what I posted a couple of days ago, I Wish. There are so many times that I think what if it would have been me. How would my son have handled it? I don't think he would have been able to handle it. I am afraid he would of turned to drugs and alcohol. And his sisters would not have been able to help him. I know my Gene. He would have wanted to go with me. (Just like I want to.) But, I feel I am a little stronger than what my son would have been. He would always tell me that if I died before him that he would follow me and I would tell him the same thing. I was always afraid of losing my son and I did not in my wildest dreams think that I would be able to survive if he died. But, here I am. SURVIVING!!! I know that it all has to do with God's grace that I am still here. And also my daughters. I can't put them thru more pain than what they are going thru now. They too miss their brother so much. My thoughts and prayers are with you always Shirley. I pray that POS that took your son Jimmy's life spends the rest of his life in prison. Take care, friend. Sending you some hugs. :-) {{{Shirley}}}

Shirley, you know I've thought this too. I don't think he could have handled it. I know my oldest told me that if something happes to me he would not be able to go anymore, that scares me, I told him don't say that stuff because I want to see all my boys in heaven. My Timmy had a hard time with things growing up, and I remember one day not to far after he was killed, that my other son said to me as I sat out back sobbing hysterical, that Timmy was in a better place and he would never have to suffer anymore, that he thinks he'd would have had a hard life. Do I try and convince myself that God does have a plan? Yes I try, but not always works. I get so angry and sad at the same time, I miss him so much it's eating me up inside. Everyone says I'm so strong, i don't want to be strong, I want my son back. But then I think about my mom, she always thought she'd out live my 2 handicapped brothers and she didn't. She died at 58 y/o. I thought that pain was unbearable. My brothers survived it, I don't know how but they managed, my youngest brother died at 36 y/o and then my older brother (who was not handicapped) died soon after, then my 3rd brother who was the other handicapped died on 1/3/07, 6 months before Timmy. They said he would't have lived past 8 y/o and he was 52! He fooled them all. Life is very difficult, and I don't think it will be something I'll ever understand. Having a child murdered is just unbearable, and maybe it does help us to think that they could not have made it if this happened to us. Because I know for my oldest, I worry about this all the time. He is so dependent on me, more so than Timmy or my middle guy, always was. My middle son joined the Nat'l guard, now I worry about him what if something happens, if he gets sent away???? I know if something happens to one of my other 2 boys, I will not make it. There is no way I could, I just think now how I am a mess inside, people don't see what I feel, I fake it so much and I do it because I don't want my son to be ever forgotten it is what keeps me going. Boy I went on a rant haven't I???? What was the question LOL, sorry, I'm just letting all this out of me, so much has been going on since they caught these 2 guys, now their family has big huge posters hanging in front of their homes with stuff like "our men our innocent, who ever did this step up to the plate, their children need their father". Well first I was so angry, I wanted to go there and rip them down. Now I think you people are low, you just want attention drawn to yourselves, I'm better than that. I don't need posters, I already have what I want, their butts in jail and God I pray every night, don't let them get off!!! So Timmy wouldn't have survived this, he was bipolar and on meds. he was a great person and a wonderful human being, had a heart of gold, but we were tight and I really don't think he could have made it, we don't want our children to suffer. I would take all the pain for my other boys, they suffer so much. I think so many don't realize, I'm not just the one falling apart, but my other boys are too. Oh goodness I'm crying and ranting and I need to just stop because I actualy forget where I was going with all this. So sorry, sigh................

God Bless
Bette
Timmy's mom

You are right, that was a thought I had early on that atleast he won't have to cry over my when I go. And just think, he will be the one that will be there when you go to take you. I really believe that. My gramma smiled and sat up holding out her hand reaching into the air and said her husband's name and gently died with a beautiful smile on her face. It was a nice way to leave, who could ask for more then that?

Sometimes I think being too close is bad cause it leaves this kind of pain behind no matter who goes first, but my daughter Kelly and his wife both said if it were me first, he couldn't have handled it and would have killed himself to be with me. I bought the space next to him so its cool. They are just making things nice for us.

luv,
me