Kaylin had a lot of things in storage when she died. She was in the process of moving home but had not moved everything back yet. I found a lot of her old journals, but I can't bring myself to more then glance through them right now. I can only go through one bag/box at a time. It is like I want to see everything, but I get so overwhelmed with it. I did find a bracelet that she had just finished. It was still in her bead box and it was purple and pink. I wear it every day. I found some things that had me just holding them and crying. I just miss her. I find myself sleeping with her shirts just to be close to her. It is hard knowing that this is all I have left of her. I keep waiting to hear her tell me to stop snooping. God, what I wouldn't give for her to tell me to stop snooping. I just can't believe that this is all that is left of my baby. I miss her. I just miss her so much. I want to hold her, not her things. I want to talk to her. I want to hug her. I want to see her. I just want her back.
Going through our children’s possessions is a hard thing it took me a long time to put Jim’s things away. I sleep in his T Shirts and have a couple of pair of his socks that I wear around the house. The hardest thing for me were his motorcycle jackets he had a few of those but he had one black one with flames on the arms that was his favorite sometimes I get it out of the closet and just sit and hold it.
Just take it slow because this is a task that can be overwhelming.
Boy don’t I sound just like an old hand at these things, so much has changed in our lives we have lost more in an instant than some people loose in a life time.
I am sending hugs to you
Jimmy’s Mom Shirley
I was lucky, my other sons went and got his cars (he had 2) and gave 1 each to his ex-wife and girlfriend, which is what he would have wanted cause he was always making sure they were taken care of. But they went through his things and sorted his cloths and personal stuff. Each of the kids took something personal and I have his motorcycle jacket and bike glasses along with his photo albums. His jacket will eventually go to his little girl Kim when she grows up. She will be 2 yrs old next month. I had her for Labor day holiday, she looks just like him. My daughter cries, it's like looking at him again. I cry when she comes and I cry when she leaves. Just enjoy what she made herself, it's sooo special!
Donna, Randy's mom
Hold on to those things cherish each and every piece!When my son died he only had a few things @ my house a necklace and a few shirts and a couple pairs of pants!The rest of his things his girlfriend claimed were stolen I don't believe her but what can I do.One of his shirts is being passed around through his cousins & it makes me sick whenever I see it.My fiancee' says it is just a shirt let it go but,to me it is a piece of him.He loved his clothes as a matter of fact he wasn't living @ home because of a fight he had with his little brother about his clothes his brother wouldn't stop wearing his stuff & everytime he came home they would fight.I don't know how but his favorite shirt was @ home and for days all I could do was smell that shirt it had his scent on it one of my kids washed it & it no longer smells of him oh,what I would give to hold that shirt to my face & breath him in once agian!I know they are only "things" but hold them dear!Her journals,a piece of her inner thoughts & dreams you are blessed to have them. Take your time, cherish each word, study each stroke of the pen & hold your daughter near as you do.I know the tears will fall & your heart will break but know you are getting a small piece of her back a piece know one can take from you.
GOD bless you my prayers are with you,
I can't do it. I just can't open his bureau, I still smell him and I just start to cry. Some of his shirts hanging his brother has been wearing, I'm ok with that, it makes me smile to see them on him. I still have his Pittsburgh Steelers hat, its on top of my china closet. I was able to put a few of his things in a big wood box he made (boy that thing is heavy) his chain, his silver cross, his "T" ring I bought him for Christmas, little things. But there are things all over the house of his, his games, his videos, school bags, I even found some of the Dragon Ball Z guys he played with, I put it in a container in the closet, the other day I had it out looking at him and remembering when he was just getting over playing with these kinds of things still a little boy turning into a teenager, and now that's all I have! I know what you mean, I sleep with his teddy bear, it was given to him when he was in the hospital over Valentine's Day, he didn't even want it they give out toys to the kids on holidays as it was a children's hospital. I said oh take it, he's cute. He didn't have much stuff cause he was still young, but all those things pj pants, teddy bears, toy guys, gambeboy games, I've got a container but I can't get myself to do it. His dresser is still full of clothes, my one son said don't worry about it, just leave it be, it's ok to leave it be for now. It's like packing up his life and shutting it, I just can't do it. I bought him this Steeler's jacket for Christmas the one right before he was killed, he wanted the type that was big with a hood, the one I got was like suede. He wore it maybe 2 times, said it was to small, I know he just didn't like it, wasn't what he wanted but it was the only kind I could find here in the Eagle's city, he didn't want to hurt my feelings. So I wore it a few times during the cold months here, now it hangs in the closet. I even have this Harry Potter castle thing, he wanted so bad for Christmas years ago, when Harry Potter first came out, and he never played with it LOL, and it's still in the box in the closet, now I'm crying, it's just so unfair for all of us to suffer this way, it's just not right to take our babies away. I'm sorry...
I can't do it right now, but I know that some of her clothes I will be putting together and making a quilt out of. I don't want to pack them away. The special ones I will keep, but the others will go into a quilt so that I can feel hugged by her. I know it is corny but that is why I want it. It will be a long time before I can make it though. I found a big yellow pajama bag chicken she got when she was about 18 months old. We were in a KMart and she saw it and reached for it over and over so my parents bought it for her. It was a stuffed yellow chicken with a pouch in back to put your pajamas in. She still had it with her. It was in a bag that she took with her a lot. I am glad she didn't have it with her that day. All those things are still missing. I have kept that chicken close to me. It will take me a long time I think to get through all of it. Everything has a memory that has to be processed.
I still cannot go through Monica's things for more than a few minutes and it has been 5 years. We have to do this the only way we can. I have a shirt of hers that I placed under my pillow for a long time until her smell was gone now I have it in my drawer. I am lucky I have alot of her things and each and every one of them are precious to me. I found a bottle of sparkling grape that she had never opened tonight. I put it in the back of my closet for safe keeping. Just handle this any way you know how there is only 1 rule in this Survive.
Love and Prayers
My sister keeps telling me that I should put his clothes and things away now. That I should sell his car and that I should even think about moving from my house! Oh, I get so angry when I hear this but I just let go in one ear and out the other. She just doesn't understand that I sometimes still think that he is going to walk thru the door and go take a shower and get dressed and take me out in his car to go eat wings and have a couple of beers together like we did every Thursday. I AM NOT READY! A few days after his death I found a half bottle(40 oz) of beer in the refrigerator and I drank the rest and I kept the bottle. Because his lips were the last to touch that bottle. Whenever I think of the day that I am going to have to do something with his stuff I get this anxiety and my heart just stops beating for a moment. I miss him so much.
I just wanted to share something I was told--many different countries believe that when a loved one has past they need to make a place for them in the house. It could be their entire room or even just a small hutch where they put their loved ones most precious items. It is their place and where they are remembered. This person believes in spiritualism and they believe that this will be a comfort zone as oppossed to boxes in the attic. Even if that is not your belief I believe it is a great idea and a way to remember your loss and their favorites things in life. I think people are afraid if you leave anything out you might not ever "move on" and perhaps they are a constant reminder. What they don't realize is that it will be constant no matter what so if it provides peace and helps you grieve then that is all that matters. The police have our daughters cell phone for evidence and we refuse to turn it off. We still pay the monthly bill and call her answering machine daily just to hear her voice. It is just a short message but it means the world to me to just hear it. Some days I listen to it over and over again and even leave messages about how much I miss her. I am sure that too would be discouraged if others knew but I don't really care as it helps me and that is all that matters. Take care and do what you feel is right and helps you ease the pain as there are so few things that really ever do that so those that do we must cling to. Love
It was so hard for me because I felt like I was doing an out of sight out of mind thing. I bought a bed and a new dresser for his old room. I hung all his shirts and jackets in the closet his shoes are in there also. His other clothes I put into space bags and keep them under my bed. His X box and games are in his room with a tv. No one plays them but just having his things in that room comfort me. I can go in and touch things and hold his favorite motorcycle jacket. I have all his helmets on the closet shelf. My oldest son is with me right now and he sleeps in that room. At first it bothered me I mean that is Jimmy's room. Jim was a clean freak and my oldest is a slob. I can just hear Jim "Mom make him clean up his mess"! Guess we do this in our own time and way. I doubt I will ever get rid of the things I have I have some of his (as my dad would have said) Fu Fu water every now and then I spray some just to be able to smell him. As far as his car is concerned I drive it every day and it still smells like Jim.
Jim almost died when he was only 17 months old he was very badly burned over 15% of his body, never did I ever think that I would feel more pain than I did that day. And just look at me now.
This Sunday I am going for another tattoo it will be Jimmy's angel, this is crazy now that I have made the appt. I am already think about what tat I will get next and where will I have it put. If I don't quit this I will have to join the circus.
Much love to you all
Mom 2 Moms Stay Strong
Jim's Mom Shirley
In the one box I went through she had some perfume that she wore. I have been wearing it just so I can smell it all day. She also had a ring and her amethyst necklace and earrings. I have them to wear some day. I just like having something of her with me or on me at all times. I don't have her voice on my messages. A well meaning person erased them thinking that it might be too hard for me. I am trying to forgive that. I do have a video snippet of her on a dog thing I do. I watch and listen to it every night. I get to hear 45 seconds of her laugh and her voice. I can't imagine not having her still be part of my home in some way. As I find her things they will be part of my home. She used to have a doll collection when she was little. She put it away several years ago to give to her daughters. I promised my nieces that when I was ready to get them down they could have one to keep to remember her by.
My gosh, I'm crying so hard. I know it feels so awful to not hear them laugh. John was a big comedian always had everybody laughing. I send Chris the T-shirt. I have some of Johns clothes and I sleep with them too. I have a key chain that Julie made and I have kept it with me every single day, it's purple and pink. That's part of what made me start crying. Every single thing they touched and used and owned I will never never get rid of them. My sister was so different when Julie died. She got home from the Hospital and got a baseball bat and started busting everything in sight, everything,,,,,, she went crazy throwing things out the door then just busted out the window in Julies room and started throwing from there when they finally got her to calm down she fell to the floor screaming and crying her heart out. God, I have to stop here. I can't even see what I'm typing. I know how you feel
Your daughter was your life. I wish to God I could change things for all of you.
There are still a lot of things of Keara's that I have not gone through. Just the sight of even her dishes makes me cry. It's been almost 21/2 years but it is just so hard. A friend helped me go through clothes and we had teddy bears made. One for me , one each fror her children and one each for her siblings and nieces and nephews. I do have a few clothes of hers that I wear and I will go through other things when I can. I agree with everyone that it is so hard and just do it when you can and want to. My heart breaks for you. Love, Darien
i let my older kids go thru all of ernest's things and the only things i have is his baseball hat and shoes he had on the day he was murdered the homicide detective gave the things to me and each one of the kids has something of his i also let his girlfriend take something of his i still recieve mail at home for him and it hurts so much because i just want to feel like he is out of town and he will be back but it is so hard coming to realize he wont be back home ever. we all know this pain but how in the world do you stop yourself from going insane this is so hard for me because if he had been sick or something along that nature could i have prepared myself and told him how much he meant to me and his siblings instead they stole my ernest's life from him and from us in the most cruelest way. and that right there is driving me crazy.
Kaylin got a check a couple of weeks ago for $18.00 for going to court about when her job was robbed. I just cried. She went through money fast and I just thought how happy she would have been just to get that check. Today I got the reminder that her eye exam is due. It is so hard to get mail for her. I think the same thing, she is just away but she'll be back. I thought about calling the eye Dr. to tell him that she had died but I am not even ready for them to remove her from their information yet. There is a suitcase that has her info on it from when she flew to Texas last Christmas. Her writing. I found a gift certificate that she got me for a gift. My son asked me if I was going to use it. I just want the certificate. It has her handwriting on it and it is to Mama. Nothing I could get would mean more then that paper with my name on it in her hand writing. This last week I find myself pretending that she is just away. When I stop and think that she isn't ever coming home again, I cannot handle it. I know she won't come home but it is like my brain cannot deal with the reality. I don't want to believe it. I don't want to accept it. I can't accept it yet there are reminders every day. How do you ever accept that your child is gone? It's like I just shake my head thinking how can that be? How can the world exist without my baby in it anymore? How can she not be here anymore? I want to see everything Kaylin had but when I start going through her things it just overwhelms me so much. I get anxiety attacks and I never had those before this happened. I'm rambling again. Sorry.