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Debbie Wiley – MOMS Founder 

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Those dreaded words

I've been waiting for it, bracing myself for the first time I would hear it, wondered who would say it.Well now I know.I am speaking of that dreaded "you need to move on","go on with your life". In 4 days my son will be gone 11 months now my fiancee' said to me last night that I need to "move on, go on with my life" doesn't he get it? What life? That ended 11 months ago when the det. said "there is no easy way to say this but...." I go on 4 my other 5 children but I do not live,I exist.I mean I knew this was coming I just didn't think it would be so soon.Yes ,I know that only us moms know what this truely does and the state it leaves us in.It just hurts to hear those words.If only they knew of the tears I cry in secret and the dry, Silent tears that are always there.I think they would have me locked up if they really knew what state i'm in.I guess i'll have to try harder to hide the gut wrenching pain I am in.It's like having your heart torn in two piece and you are bleeding to death and your family says, here put a bandge on it you'll be ok.Then I have a young man on my block here just before all this telling me that I need to fogive the peson that did this, who ever he is,yeah ok I get right on that one!I mean I know he means well & he is a devote christian he is still in high school & he is down here trying to save my soul. Like I told him I may not wake up tomorow,I may die with the sin of having not forgiven but that one is going to take some work!I am sorry I am just losing it a bit today!I can't stop crying!

Re: Those dreaded words


What those around you need to understand is that your journey is just that YOURS and there is not anyone around that can tell you how to travel this road. Grief for a Murdered child is personal and you need to be allowed to grieve however you can and keep it together. Neither of the people who gave you advice have lost a piece of them. Please do not change your ways of grieving for your child to suit others. You are and forever will be Andre's mom and no words from others who have not felt your pain will make it go away any faster or make it any easier. Explain to your fiancee that if he loves you he will allow you to go through this however you can. Tell him that there are no magic words that he can say but that letting you cry is the best thing he can do for you. love and prayers

Cindy Monica's Mom

Re: Those dreaded words

it's been over 4 years for me. it was 3/16/04 when my son was murdered. i still deal with it every day. they tell me it gets easier. that is just a way to make you feel better. each day is differant. sometimes i laugh,sometimes i cry. sometimes i just sit numbly all day long. whether you like it or not, your life will go on. how you deal with it is up to you. just think more about the good times. thats what i do.

Re: Those dreaded words

I swear the next person who tells me that is really going to get it! Get on with what? Especially my own family! I actually asked one of them if it were them, would they care less and just have a time limit and go about their merry way after - say - 6 months? Sorry, I'm starting to rant again. I've been in very bad condition for about 2 weeks now and not getting better. Going to court next week and having alot of trouble keeping it together.

Get on with it- - - My kids! They are my life! And now a part has been cut away by some POS 20 times in the chest & stomach for no reason. Sorry, I'm gonna stop now. I'll be back tomorrow.

Randy's mom

Re: Those dreaded words

gosh it is easy for some people to say things like that but when it happens to them then i guess they will know me personally i wont ever get over it because i dream and i think about ernest all the time especially when bi see a 6 foot 2 young man and i stare and wish that was my ernest my husband thinks i am crazy and he and i have been married 17yrs and he saw ernest grow from 18 months old every time i go off in the house i have to be crazy well i tell him surprise because i am crazy with grief and no one will ever change that i remember when i gave birth to ernest and 10-2 it will be 2 years and 10-5 is his birthday he would be turning 21yrs old i am a mess and i can say it when i get ready to heal myself i will until then i will go on with taking care of my other kids who are still at home plus i have my 14yr old with autism so as long as i am physically able to do things i ask them not to worry but i can say it will be to i leave this earth that then will i be ok cause then i will see him again and i am angry at the 2 ignorant animals who killed my son i wish them nothing but misery may they see ernest's face everyday in prison until it drives them insane. thanks mom's for letting me vent love to all you wonderful hurt souls peace to us all!!!

Re: Those dreaded words

all i can say as it is easy for people to tell you what you NEED to do SHOULD do etc. It is so frustrating because they have no clue!! Why is it so hard for people just to accept that you feel how you feel and let us be!!??? I have gotten so tired of hearing those things and feel so alone except for here and the POMC conference I went to. I didn't want to leave. I guess we just have to try to ignore the remarks and ubderstand that our grieving is ours and we have to do it the way we do and that's Ok.Love, Darien Keara's Mom

Re: Those dreaded words

I dread hearing that one too. I also hate hearing that she is at peace now. What does that mean? She was 20 years old. She wasn't suffering from a disease that was robbing her health and leaving her in pain. She was looking forward to doing a gig on the fourth of July. She was still young and enjoying her life. What was so bad about it that now she is at peace? I hate hearing that, it makes it sound like she suffered her entire life. I wasn't told directly but heard that my boss said that it had been a month (at that time it had). This was a woman who took a week off for her dog. I love my pets, but for Pete's sake this is my child. I hate hearing closure too. Right now that is one that I hear a lot of. That hopefully they will be able to give us info that will bring us closure. Nothing will ever give me closure. My child is gone. My life will never be the same. Everything I do I think about her. I wish she was there, or that I could tell her something, or want her to experience the new things, or share the memories of the old things. I just want to scream at them MY CHILD IS GONE AND I WILL NEVER BE OK WITH THAT!!!!

Re: Those dreaded words

No one has the right to tell you to move on with your life. They have no clue what we mom's go thru, unless you've lost a child to violence like we have, there is no understanding. You have the right to grieve in any way that you can, I know what you mean about the silent tears, I cry alone at home when no one is there. Because everyone thinks it's been over a year I should be ok, but I'll never be ok, my life ended also the day on 7/13/07. I live for my other 2 boys, I try and be strong for them, they have a whole life ahead of them, I want them to be happy. I don't want to fall apart because then what about them? They are in pain too, and I don't want to make it worse for them, so I pretend I'm ok, I go on each day and get up each morning, get dressed, go to work, eat when I can, do what I do each day, but every moment of that day not one second goes by without thinking of my Timmy. Not one day do I think what did I do wrong, why and I being punished, why is my baby gone, he didn't do anything to anyone, who did this, why aren't they suffering for what they did, so many questions, so many why's and what if's. I think the pain never goes away, you just learn to live with it. No one will understand this unless they've lived it.

God Bless
Timmy's mom

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The best answer I have heard to this unrealistic expectation from anyone who has not traveled in our shoes: "Tell them just getting up each day is moving on for me". The lives we now lead is moving on to our new life that we have very little control over just as the circumstances that caused this that we had no control over. We are starting over in a way no one will ever understand. I think people want us to get back to "our old self" so they can feel better--perhaps they don't realize it but the sooner we get back to "normal" which will never happen than the sooner they can't stop worrying about us (if they are). My brother told me he wanted his sister back and I told him that person is not coming back--I don't think he was too thrilled with the answer. Don't get me wrong it made him really sad but I think they think you are giving up when you tell them that. Instead you are just accepting what has happened and trying to deal with it as best as possible. Love to All. Laura

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I think when people say that, it is not to be unfeeling, they are sad with us and for us, but don't know how to express sympathy in any other way. they are trying to make us feel better and don't want to see us in pain but what they don't understand is it just makes us sadder and even more angry! who are they to tell us to "get over it" or "go on with your life" anyway? they are not the ones who carried that child for 9 months, felt the very first signs of life in their tummys, felt the pain and joy of childbirth, fed, clothed and bathed them, taught them manners, cried when we left them on the first day of kindergarten, kissed away the pain of a cut or scrape, worried when they were sick or wern't home on time,raised that child to be a good person, NO! it was us that did that..MOTHERS and if they are not the mother of that child they will NEVER know the pain we feel because some scumbag stole our hearts from us!
I know they mean well but it is HARD for them to understand what it is like for mom's to go through this, so alone! we COPE with it for others and cry alone in the dark for us! we do whatever it takes to get us through another day, they should be thankful for that, because I see many would love to give up and take their own life and end the pain on hard days around birthdays and other memorable events, but we don't because of our other children or husbands, we don't want to put them in the same grief that we are in, so in essence WE ARE GETTING ON WITH OUR LIVES, just not the way THEY want our lives to be for them!our pain will NEVER end but we will heal from our grief little by little there is no magic date that it will end..we need to channel our collective pain and anger and find out if we can change some laws! like Drunk Driving murder being called a accident or defence attorneys trashing the VICTIM or a scumbucket getting a stupid short sentance for murder because he knew he would get a longer one if he didn't plead to a lesser charge. the killer/s should be made to work his/her fingers to the bone for the rest of his/her life and give all the money to the victims family and be locked up in jail at night. I know this is a dream but it makes me sick that the killers get all the comforts 3 hots and a cot, heat, tv, Internet you know stuff our homeless and poor don't get, and WE WORK to pay to house these POS criminals that took our life! thanks MOMS for letting me unload all of this on you. my love and prayers go out to all of you, may god ease your way. love ya all vickie..
p.s we need to pray for Michelle julio's mom. I see she has not been here for a little while, the last time I saw her she was having MAJOR personal problems with her husband being sick and needing a lung transplant and some other problems, so if you all could pray for her and lift her and her family up to the lord, it would be apperciated.. again thanks!