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My oldest

Hi everyone. I just wanted to write I feel a bit down today. I talked to my oldest on the phone like 3 times last night. He has no one to really really talk to and we were talking about Timmy. He misses him so much. He told me about some nice dream he had, he said it was so real. We talked about his friend who was killed that night too, and even though we know he was the target we know eve still he didn't deserve to die that way, he might have been a bit shaddy here or there but he wasn't a bad person, he tried to mow lawns to make money, flirted with the girls he shouldn't have, maybe spoke his mind on thing she should have, but still he wasn't like some big tough guy beating people up or robbing them, so why would they kill him and then take an innocent 15 y/o kid too? this question haunts me so much. I want you all to know I spoke with my det. yesterday and even though I can't say much about it, I know I all told you how I thought Timmy saw the other guy get killed first and I asked him right out my thoughts that he saw this and then they turned to gun on him fired two shots one missing and one hitting him in the back of his head and yes it was true this is what they believed happen. So my baby sees this guy get killed right before his eyes, the last thing he sees. My heart was devestated though I knew it happened inside me this way, to hear it well it's a whole nother story then isnt' it. I read the stories of how some of you are going thru the trial and the pain and heartache it brings out, like Lorre, God 8 years. How do you all do this? It's breaking me in two kind of knowing but not knowing and wondering if they might get away with it, but if not, then going thru this pain and some getting away like with Michelle. I pray to God to give my son justice and then think can I even handle this, will I finally break down if it does happen. I pray it does and then think it won't, I pray God punishes them each and every day. I wonder when I see a few people around here if they know something and how can they live with themselves. I am not strong like everyone always tells me, oh you are so strong, you are so amazing, thsi and that. I didn't tell you all but I wrote the Governor a letter and asked him about why PA doesn't have a Reward program like CA does, LOL, I'm crazy, well I cc'd it to the mayor and a deputy mayor called me! I was so surprised, and he said it sparked an interest in him and hopes maybe they can instill this even just here in the city. Well maybe doing these things seem strong, but they aren't really. It's something I do because I think of Timmy all day long and all the things we did together and how I miss him so much that these ideas or letters just come out of no where. It gives me something a need to do. But I when am alone I'm a mess. It's so hard to pretend you are ok, and life is happy, when inside I am so sad and heartbroken. People think this is strong, no it's just that that's what they expect of me otherwise no one would come near me, or I'd be away somewhere and what good is that for my other kids? So I suffer in silence. But I know I come here and can let it out and tell how I really feel. That helps me too. I feel bad for my sons. How they have to live thru this and they are only in their 20's. A whole life time of pain. I remember when my mom died 23 years ago, I thought I'd never know pain like that, but this, this is a million times worse and I still cry about my mom, and I lost my dad not 3 years after her, and then all 3 of my brothers. But losing a child, there are no words to describe the pain and to see my other boys suffer. Does anyone ever wonder what you may have done in your life that you suffer like this? I think God what did I do? I always tried to be a good person, I know when I was younger I thought I was a bad a**, but after I had my kids life was different, then my ex was a drunk and I threw him out when I was 7 months preg. with Timmy. It was hard raising 3 boys on my own and working a full time job, and I tried to be both a good mother and father to them. I really tried and I think I hope Timmy knew this and he knew how much I loved him, he was my whole life, not that my other boys weren't but we had a different kind of bond. Oh here come the tears. I'm so sorry for each and everyone of you, knowing how I feel I know how you all feel, the emptiness inside is unbearable.

I pray for each and everyone of you.

God Bless
Timmy's mom

Re: My oldest

I wonder the same things about the night we lost Lisa--all the details that we are not allowed to know and are told not to dwell on. They just don't realize it encompasses your life and mind and it is not dwelling. They also don't understand that you not just want but need to know if your child suffered or not, was scared, etc. I guess they just think it doesn't make a diffence but it means the world to a mother no matter how painful the truth is--it needs to be processed and you cannot process what you don't know. Anyhow that is what I believe. The strong comments also show how people don't see that we are just functioning and how much we are really suffering. Every morning I wake up and it is the first thing I think about--it is a life sentence for us and our children. You are so right as it is hard to deal with your pain but when your child is suffering and you feel so helpless...I for the first time in my life told my daughters it is never going to be okay as I was always able to tell them that it would no matter what but I never ever imagined this could ever happen. Everyday I wonder the same thoughts What did I do? Am I that horrible of a person? Why does everyone else have their little happy family? We too have always tried to help people but then so did Lisa and now she is gone. I really believe that she actually felt sorry for the scum that killed her and that is why he choose her. There were other girls who lived on her floor even closer to his apartment then Lisa but he randomly choose Lisa and made up some lame ass chicken sh*t story to try and cop an insanity plea to cover his coward sorry a** excuse for a human being. Just another lazy MF looking to get back into the system. Then I revert my thoughts back to--if it were based on the merit system all those mothers that abuse their children and the murderers of our children would have been dead a long time ago so I always remember what a friend told me the day Lisa died without me ever saying a word she knew what I was thinking and said, You didn't do anthing wrong. You, and all the mothers, are in our thoughts and prayers every day. I have been told, as I too don't know how I will ever be able to deal with the trial when each day is a struggle, that you will find the strength when the murderer is found and brought to justice. Take care.
Laura, Vic & Our Girls

Re: My oldest


When you break down you are bending not breaking. Doing whatever you can to change things for others in your sons name IS strong. Us mothers have so much to bear. We know what our child was put through we know what those left behind are going through. It stabs like a knife when the brothers ,sisters and children left behind are in pain. We feel the pain so deep when we think about what was taken from them what they will miss because of the animal the creep who decided to take this precious life. MOMS feel ALL the pain for everyone for all the brothers the sisters the children we know the depth that this child was loved and what our child could of given to this world and to those around them. Timmy is right there with you and he knows your strength better than you yourself. God also knows our strength and I do not know how or why or what but God has a plan for us. Maybe it is to save another child maybe it is to help another MOM We do not know how what we do in our childrens names will help others. Maybe one of us will save a child that will grow up and change the justice system make things the way they should be. I do not know but I do know that if I did not have something left to do in this world I would be gone. Wake up in the morning with determination that the murderer will NOT destroy what is left of your family and do one thing every day in Timmy's name. I am 5 years into this and I still have my VERY bad days in fact on the 26th and 27th of this month I felt like I needed to be checked into a mental hospital. I could not keep it together. I cried most of the day and shook inside for 2 days straight. Then on the 28th I realized the date. The days that were so horrible for me were the day before and the day of the date of my daughters murder. I even still wake up in a cold sweat look at the clock and it is 1:30 am the time my daughter was begging for her life and then was shot. I am sorry that this is long but I want you to know that we are strong. WE BEND we do not break because we fight for our children who cannot fight for themselves. I send you so much love and so so many prayers.

Love Cindy Monica's Mom

Re: My oldest

Thank you Cindy and Laura, I don't know how we get thru this, and it is so terrible the pain. and our other children and family suffer too, it's just not fair. But I know each day I try and be strong for Timmy cause he hated it when I was upset and you know, my detective told me the same thing, that people will feel my strenght he said I was very strong and he knows that Timmy touched many people's lives and that he thinks what I do in his honor will keep his memory alive and I told him how I wrote that letter and a deptuy mayor called me and he said see how do you know a few years from now they implement something like this and it helps other families and you know that this happened because you did it for Timmy. but it's the only think I have to keep me going, I will always fight for my son. I just sometimes can't understand why good people like us MOM's suffer so much, why our kids had to be picked to be killed, and how anyone, anyone can even think of taking someones life. I'll never understand it. We go thru so many hurdles in life, and I know how hard it was when my kids where little and I brought them up by myself, but this, this is something I know I will never ever be able to overcome. I know I have changed forever. I do the blame game too, the what if's, the why's, what did I do wrong, if I could change things what I'd change, but I know know matter what I think or do, will never bring him back and that's the deepest blackest hole to be in, never being able to see him or kiss him or hug him, my sould cannot accept this. My heart cannot accept this. I was always able to make things right, always able to be ok, when things went bad, I'd be upset but I'd get back on my feet and say ok, let's face this head on and be what it may be but I won't sit back and let it roll. I can't do this now, this is something that cannot be fixed, this is where I am now in my life, and I don't want to be here but I can't fix it or change it or make it better. Does that make sense? I'm rambling I know, I try to express myself and get lost in the loophole of my brain, the things I think. The pain my son must have felt and being scared seeing the other guy get shot first. I just miss him and I just want him home with me, I just want to make it right again and I can't. that's what hurts the most I wasn't able to help him, I wasn't there, I never got to say good bye or give him another kiss. I'll never understand this, I'll never ever understand, I always pray for all you mom's I always ask God to give you each some comfort because I know the pain I feel and how each of you feel it too, it's like your heart is bleeding and it takes the breath out of me. I'm so glad that I have here to come to, you are all an inspiration to me, you all give me some strength, and just the knowing I have people who understand it means so much to me.

God Bless
Timmy's mom

Re: My oldest

Dear Bette,
I wish that none of us ever had a reason to know eachother but we do. I too often wonder why all of our precious children were taken from us so violently? Then there are those people you see on tv who don't treat their children right or are abusive and they still have them. It doesn't make sense until you frame it with God's word. Neither we nor our children did anything wrong. We live in an evil, sin filled world and we are the beings that shine God's light in it. Every one of the disciples died what would seem horrible deaths, and these men were favored by God. This only leads me to believe that in those awful final moments that we try and imagine to understand, God was there and offered comfort. I just don't believe that God's children feel death. I think He removes them. Jesus already bore that burden of sin for us. And as much as we love our children, God loves them more--so I can't imagine real suffering for them. The more I read and understand the bible, the more it all makes sense to me. He knows that we cannot be comforted. Jesus himself wept when he saw the grief of the family of Lazerus and he KNEW he was going to raise him from the dead, but still wept at the sorrow he saw. I believe we have a compassionate God who will rectify things in the end. I do not believe that murderes will get away with what they have done. I believe there will be judgement for them to face. And I believe that we will all see our children again. I think it is with the whispers of angels that you do the things that you do and I know that someone someday will suffer less because of you and Timmy.


Re: My oldest

Oh Lorre, thank you. I do beieve that one way or the other they will get theirs. It's hard to think they are walking free, but in my heart i feel they suffer each day for what they did, somehow God punishes them even if I don't see it with my own eyes.

I do what I do because I need to, it makes me feel like I am still fighting for him and thank you for telling me that maybe one day it will help someone else, because if i did help just one person, then I did this for Timmy it would be my way of still helping him. He had a hard time in school, sick a lot, he didn't have a lot of friends when he was younger, that is what I was telling my oldest son. That Timmy finally started finding happiness, when he was little he used to ask me why no one liked him, see he was dx'd with bipolar at 7 y/o. and he didn't understand. But as he got older he did, he learned how to control those moments of frustration and upsetness. He lost weight and started making a whole bunch of friends that always came around, he started liking this one girl who he would talk to every night, she even told me without him talking to her when she was going thru some hard times, she'd never have made it without him. He finally "fit in" and finally was smiling all the time that goofy crocked smile of his. That's what makes me the most sad, he finally started enjoying life the way any teenager should and it ended for him and us. My oldest said that he was more happy where he is with God, yes my oldest even with the demons he is fighting always since he was younger was the closest to God. He always read the bible and still does. I try and believe that Timmy was here to help those for a short time he did touch many. I know he touched me, I fought hard for him with the schools, I never stopped. That is what I feel now, I will never stop, somehow I will continue in his honor. It's what keeps me going. The sadness overcomes me some days as you all know, it's a terrible burden for any of us no one should lose a child especially to murder.

God Bless
Timmys mom

Re: My oldest

Boy do I know how hard it is to raise kids on your own. I often wonder if I did something wrong, I know I wasn’t always home for my boys but I refused to be a welfare mom. I had been on welfare the entire time I was married and had, had enough of that life. I did everything for my boys and like you I was always there to fix it. Also like you and Timmy Jim and I had a very different relationship than I have with my oldest son. Not that I love him more it was just different ( hard to explain.) Yes these trials and all the crap that goes with them is hard but I do at least have some peace of mind knowing who murdered Jim, and that he will be in prison soon.
I think about that night constantly wondering just exactly how happened. How much pain was he in? What was he thinking? The thought of him not having his family there when he was dying just kills me this just hurts my heart so, so bad. We all have to keep fighting for our kids I just wish there was some way we could make a change in the justice system so the victims of murder have rights just as the murders do.
Much love and many prayers to you.
Jim’s Mom Shirley

Re: My oldest

Hi Bette, When I read your postings my heart breaks but I don't know what to say because I am feeling just the way you are. I sit here sometimes and I yell "Is this really happening to me? Why God, Why? What the hell did I do to deserve this? Was I such a bad mom? You know how much my son meant to me! Why did you have to take him from me?" I don't understand either Bette. I also ask God, "What now? What is it that you want me to do?" I don't know what his plans are for me. But I do tell him if anything good is suppose to come out of my sons death is for him to put me on the path of helping other parents that are going thru this unbearable pain. I want to share this with you. Take care Bette. My prayers are always with you. Sending you lots of hugs.{{{}}}

Chosen In The Furnace of Affliction

by Dr. Charles McHatton ©

Used with permission

"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver (literally, not like silver): I have chosen thee (notice) in the furnace of affliction" (Isaiah 48:10) The word translated "affliction" here has been variously rendered as oppression and humiliation. God uses trial, oppression and humiliating experiences in our lives to refine us and to purify our hearts. "I have refined thee...I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction (in the place of oppression and humiliation)."

You may be going through trials and difficulties of life. Many people are saying that never in the history of their Christian life have they felt the oppression nor experienced the trials through which they are going in these days. Truly we can say that these are the days that try men's souls. These are the days when the enemy of our souls is endeavoring to wear out the saints of the most High. We should not despair in an hour like this, but we should realize that God has His hand and His eye on everything. And we should just leave ourselves in His hands, remembering that God can use and will use all of these trials, oppressions and humiliating experiences to refine us, purify us and fit us for better, richer and higher ministry.

"I HAVE CHOSEN THEE IN THE FURNACE OF AFFLICTION." He has chosen us not in the place of ease and tranquility of spirit, but in the furnace of affliction. "I have chosen you," God says, "when things were pretty hot, when it seemed that things could not get any worse," God says, "I chose you there." That becomes the proving ground of Christian life and experience.

The automobile companies, before sending out their new models, put them through severe tests. They have what they call their proving ground, and there these automobiles go through a punishing and grueling testing time. This is necessary because they do not want the automobiles to break down after they are in use by the purchasing public. Thus they seek to find out where the weaknesses are before they put them on the market.

God deals with His children in much the same way. Testing times do come and shall yet come to the people of God. We will find ourselves in the furnace of affliction, oppression and humiliation so that the weak spots may be revealed and God can deal with them. God chooses us as we prove ourselves faithful to Him in the hours of testing. These testings take different forms. Sometimes you will find it is the testing of monotonous, dull, daily routine.

Moses had that experience. He had been singled out by the Lord to be the deliverer of the children of Israel, and he felt this mighty ministry within him. He felt this high and holy calling. He knew that God wanted him to do much for the people of Israel. And in his own energy, he killed the Egyptian and hid him in the sand. But finally Moses had to flee in terror, for he had acted on the basis of the wisdom of self and the working of self. And all of the wisdom and all of the works of self will come to naught. For forty long years Moses was on the backside of the desert tending sheep. A daily, monotonous routine--going out every day under a blazing, blistering sun to tend sheep.

Moses could have well asked, "Is this work fitting a deliverer?" Yes, Moses, it is, for Moses, you will learn much as you tend these sheep for forty long years. You will learn much patience--waiting on God, waiting for God and waiting God's time. You will learn that one blow struck under the direction of the Holy Spirit and under the anointing of the Spirit of God is better than ten thousand blows struck in the premature energies of the flesh. Moses learned patience. He learned to wait God's time. And all of this was most helpful when finally he became the shepherd to lead the people of God out of Egyptian bondage into the land of Canaan. When God desires to use a person for a special task or ministry, He always puts him to the test. He refines him through trial. There is no way you can escape this.

We see this example again in the life of Joseph. He was also marked out to be a mighty deliverer. But long, weary, trying years passed by before Joseph finally reached that wonderful, exalted position next to Pharaoh on the throne. Look at him there in the dungeon. He has been slandered, maligned, afflicted and oppressed in many ways. You mean that this is to be the deliverer of the world?

Yes, the Bible tells us in one of the Psalms that as Joseph was going through these times of testing, his soul entered into iron, or literally, iron entered into his soul. There are some lessons which can never be learned until one gets into the furnace.

The furnace was a strange place that the Lord selected to rendezvous with His three Hebrew children. If we had been there as events were unfolding, we would have said something to this effect: "Look at those men! They have not bowed down before this idol. Certainly, God is going to come to their aid and assistance. Oh, I know they are heating up this furnace seven times hotter than it has ever been before, but I am still certain that God is going to intervene. God is not going to allow them to be thrown into the furnace. After all, they have been faithful to the Lord. God loves His children too much to allow such a thing as that to take place."

As you continue to watch, you see that these strong young men are taken bodily and thrown into that blazing, fiery furnace. Has God failed them? No, God has not failed them at all. He chose that blazing, fiery furnace as His meeting place--the place where He was going to hold a sacred rendezvous with three of His faithful children. Thus we read in the book of Daniel that the King came near to the mouth of the furnace and looked in and said, "Did you not cast in three men bound? But I see four men loose and they are walking around, and the form of the fourth (notice) is like unto the Son of God."

When the times of testing come and you find yourself surrounded by a blazing furnace of oppression, realize that many times the Lord will use just such a place as that to reveal Himself to you in greater splendor and glory. And realize also that God has allowed you to be thrown into that time of testing or furnace of affliction so that certain bondages might be burned away from your life. Realize that it can be true of you even as it was true of the three Hebrew children that God will choose you for a higher ministry and a higher place of effectiveness if you stand the test.

Yes, He chooses His children in the furnace of affliction. That is what happened in relation to Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, the three Hebrew children. They were chosen in the furnace of affliction, and when they came out without even the smell of smoke upon them, they were exalted to a higher position then they had ever enjoyed before.

These trials that come your way are not the mere product of caprice and chance. You are not the victim of empty and vexatious circumstance. You are a child of the King! You belong to God! You are the clay on the potter's wheel. The pressure may come.You may feel that it is the pressure of circumstance and malice of misguided men, but I believe that there is no such thing as second cause, literally, in the life of the believer who is walking with the Lord. I believe that the Lord is the One who orders all things in the lives of His children.

It is true that He permits certain things to come upon us which would not come if we were living closer to the Lord. But since we are not living as close to the Lord as we should, these trials come our way. But nevertheless, God is the One who is permitting all of this. This is the testing time. However, you need to realize that it is not only the testing time, but it is also the choosing time, for God choose His workers and fits them for higher ministry in the times and in the places of distress and difficulty.

The Psalmist speaks concerning this. "Thou didst enlarge me when I was in distress." This is the testimony you will hear many times as you find out what preceded ministries that are effective for the glory of God. GOD ENLARGED ME WHEN I WAS IN DISTRESS. It is God who creates the blacksmith and the fire. And it is also God who creates the hammer that comes down seemingly mercilessly upon the life.

Everything is in the hands of God. Nothing comes to you by accident. You are not a victim. You are a child of the King! Remember that God is looking for individuals who will step into places of ministry and effective testimony, and to fit His workers properly, He often has to plunge them into the fires.

Even though it may be the dull, monotonous routine of daily living--BE FAITHFUL! Be faithful even though you may find yourself at this present moment surrounded by the flaming fiery furnace of heavy trial. God chooses His children for places of effective ministry and testimony in the furnace of affliction.

Re: My oldest

Thank you Angie for thinking of me, and yes it does feel like we've been thrown into a furnace, and I pray each night also to God to help guide me thru this each day. I try and think there must be a reason, when I was younger with 3 boys to raise on my own I would cry in the car on bad days and say "I hate my life" I hated it so much, life was so hard, never easy. Now I think to myself I'd take it all back, everything if I could to bring Timmy home to me. I never would have thought that more pain than that in those days I could bear. but here I am, and trying to keep my boys together and fighting for my son's justice. I will fight for him until the end of my days, I know this in my heart, but some days I feel that I cannot bare the burden of his murder any longer than I have, but yet I do. I still wake up and work and do what I have to do, and I write letters to people like the mayor or the governor or newspapers who will here me, I will keep doing it even when I sit and cry why did this happen to me, why my boys why do we suffer why did Timmy have to die. I know I cannot change this, how I wish I could, but yet I will keep on fighting this I know is true.

God has a plan, I just don't know what it is yet!

thank you and God Bless
Timmy's mom