Well last night I cried so hard, so hard, and thinking of all you dear moms and the pain we are all in and how is it that some people go thru life and are happy, nothing goes wrong, their kids are great, good health, etc. and then there are "us", people suffering silently in the mist. I cried for all of us last night, I cried for my son who I can't seem to ever stop thinking of nor do I think I ever will, I miss his smile, his goofy laugh, his "concoctions" he'd make for lunch or snack, his loud friends, the kids always in my house, the door opening/closing; opening/closing. I sat there alone on my sofa and cried for everything I'm missing and asked God why is my life so hard, I am behind on my bills, don't know how it got so bad???? I want to move, I hate living there a block from where he was killed. I have my son but he is mostly out anyway, he'll be going back to school soon, we had to get him a loan. Then I fight with my ex in court once on 9/19 and then on 10/1, why two days??? you got me, I have no clue. Then my other son who is getting anxious about his date coming up and going off to another program asking me questios and call this person to find out this, I can't keep up with it all. I'm in pain all the time, I cry alone, always alone then I don't get why are you crying what's wrong, HELLO DON'T YOU KNOW I HATE MY LIFE AND WANT MY SON BACK!!!! I'm trying so hard to stay strong, so hard to keep on top of things, and I'm just so tired of it all, so tired I can't keep up with it.
I know what you are going through as I am sure do all the other mothers. You need to stay strong for Timmy and isn't that just an easy statement for so many to make when they aren't in our shoes! But it is true...I threw away all the useless statements people have said to me and put them in a "crap pile" in my backyard--that is what I say. The only statement I cling to is this...The murderer took one person from my family and I will do my best not to let him take any more. Our lives will never be the same and that we cannot change and must cope with on a day to day and even minute to minute basis. A co-worker lost his 2 year neice in a drowning accident--the babysitter fell asleep (she was hung over) already made a plea and they got their justice. He said to me yesterday--Thursday's are always difficult for our family--"Don't look so happy!" I told him this, "12 weeks ago today, a scum, who didn't even know my daughters name, attacked her from behind...slit her throat...covered her mouth...and watched her die. Do you really think I will ever have any reason to be a happy?" I just figure if they want to say ignorant & insensitive things to me than they should be prepared. The comment devasted me but I think I sent a message to at least him anyway. Stay the hell away from me with oh so happy attitude--because I don't need it! Save it for someone else! Just wanted you to know that no matter how lonely it gets you are never alone as we are all with you in this journey. Please take care and hang in there. We are all thinking of you and Timmy and always will.
Family of Lisa Maas
Oh Bette. I am so sorry. I feel your pain too. I was always a happy optimistic person. I have been that way all my life. I always told my kids that you cannot help what happens to you but you can choose how you will react to it. This has changed me. I want to try to find positive ways to remember my child and I am trying but some days it is hard to just get up. I can't sleep at night and I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I rarely smile anymore and when I do it is because I make myself so people will leave me alone. I get the comments of "We miss your smile." "You aren't silly with us anymore." "you just seem so down". Well yeah. Having my child taken from me does not make me feel like laughing, smiling, being silly. I feel like I have to put on two faces sometimes. The public one that will try to smile and will talk with someone and the real one that is in so much pain that it is a wonder I can even hold my head up some days. When the lady at the post office made a point of pointing me and my frown out I was devastated. I hate to go anywhere anymore because I don't know what will trigger a crying jag. I cry alone too. Mostly in my car on my way to and from work. I cry myself to sleep every night and every time I take a bath. I miss her so much. I know people mean well when they tell me they know how I feel because they lost their mom or someone. I lost my mom five years ago too and even though she and I were close it is nothing like losing my daughter. Especially knowing that she didn't have to die. I can't just go on with my life like normal and I am finding that I am less likely to let things go. I have Kaylin's little dog. Her dog was dumped too in an area about 30 miles from Kaylin. When I cry at night she cries with me. She was Kaylin's baby. I am so thankful that we found her. She is a part of Kaylin and I know how much Kay loved her. I just hope that we get justice for her. I want her back so bad. I want to hear her voice again and see her goofy self. I want to hear that laugh that she would do that sometimes drove me nuts, but I want to hear it. I just want her back. Bette, I am thinking of you today an know you are in my prayers always. I wish that none of us had to go through this heartbreak. It forever changed us.
Thank you Lisa, yes some people can be insensitive, because they have no idea of the pain we go thru, to lose a child to violence is horrific, no one should die this way, no one! My sister, who can be to straight forward said to me once not to long after this happened I was upset and said I don't know how I can get thru this and she said to me I did when my husband died, well he was in his late 60's, had married before, had 3 grown children had a good life etc. and that's exactly what I said to her, there is a big difference between him and Timmy, my son didn't get a chance to even do any of that, no driver's license, no proms, never fell in love, got married, had children, none of this will I see for him and it's so heartbreaking. I don't know why people say or do what they do, I know in the beginning I would hear terrible things about oh he must have done this or that if he got shot, no! he didn't, he was a good kid, he was at the wrong place, wrong time, because he was with the person they most likely were after and most likely knew who it was, killed a 15 y/o?? for this??? and I even say, you know what, even the guy who the target was, no matter what lifestyle he may have been in, didn't deserve to be murdered! What is wrong with people, this is evil, only God has this right! You are very strong to stand up to this person, I have done it myself to those who were ignorant enough to say stupid things, now when I hear "rumors" of stupid things, I know what is true and what isn't, I know who my son was and wasn't, and that's all that matters to me, and to God. Our pain will never go away, I think we learn to live with it. My son will always be forever in my heart and soul. But the pain of his loss and the thought of never seeing him again is unbearable, that days I just can't imagine my life without him. I know the thought of her death runs thru your mind every day as my son's does. I see it in my head, and I get sick, so sick to my stomach and the ache in my chest that I cannot even believe this has really happened. Your grief is so new and I know the pain, it was a year this past July 13th and some days that pain still feels so new. Just know even when I fall apart, I will also be here for you too, as so many of you guys have been for me.
Bette, you know I think we are of a kindered spirit I know of the place inside that you speak.That lonely place that is there even when others are around it is there eating at you.I think that is the loniness of our sons being gone the empty hole it has left us with.As you know my son was murdered on my block also and I didn't think I could live there anymore so 2 weeks later I moved 300 miles away.When it happened I couldn't stop going to the park looking for some clue anything just some kind of an answer.I don't think I could handle it everyday going by there I think it would do you good if you could move.I still go there once every 2 months and thats all I can take!I think all the time how others don't even know just how good they have it!Them in their normal lives.I was @ the store yesterday & was watching poeple with their kids a man hit his little girl,a mom yelling @ her daughter & yet another mom cussing @ her son I wanted to yell "shut up they are alive & you are taking them for granted"!If they only knew what we know!You are not as alone as you think we are here for you and if you need to talk e-mail me and i'll give you my #!!!You are in my daily thoughts & prayers I say a special pray for you(us)that have no answers!
hi bette i read your post and you know that saying is so true we are not alone in the way we feel i live only right across the street from where my ernest was shot i was able to run to the corner and see my baby laying on the ground and my other son fighting with the police to get close to ernest i screamed for the police to hurry and get paramedics there but he got to the hospital and died on the operating table i ask myself daily why i did not hear any gunshots and i usually hear everything from my window it will be 2 years 10-2 and it seems like yesterday i told my other son i thought i was a great mom but not anymore i could not save ernest from those thugs, is someone trying to punish me for being a good mom to all 7 of my children including one with autism wow it truly hurts but what can i say you be strong and keep all of us mom's who have this pain in their hearts in your prayers and i will do the same, god bless you and the other mom's here too.