I tried to kill myself. Yes-sir-ee sports fans...She bit the dust hard.
I recall saying that "I'm in a hole and I can't stop digging". I even fooled myself thinking that I came out of my hole...at least for a little light and air at one time or another.
I pulled the biggest bonehead move that I NEVER thought I was capable of. Last Wednesday afternoon I took two handfulls of pills. As soon as I started to tingle and feel woozy I snapped back to earth and thought of my (living) son Michael, my husband, and the beautiful grandchildren that Sonya and Wes have blessed me with.
I searched for yesterdays clothes on the floor, slipped on some shoes and drove myself to the emergency room of the hospital. I told them I took a bunch of pills, they asked me for a urine sample, then I woke up 4 days later at a mental health/rehab facility in the psych ward.
I just got released (paroled I called it) about 2 hours ago. I had to come to the realization that I needed professional help and get medicated. I REALLY thought I could work through my profound grief (you all know how profound it is!) by myself. I regret having strayed from my sister moms for texas holdum. I now have appointments for group, and individual therapy plus a shrink for my medication.
I was in the ICU at the hospital, tied down because I was seizing and convulsing. I remember opening my eyes once and seeing three tubes taped to my arms. Gil said they were flushing my system. The tox report listed 9 different types of pills. If I hadn't of thought of my loved ones and drove myself to the hospital I'd be playing cards with all of our murdered children right now.
SO MOMS... D O N 'T D O IT!!!
I feel shame and guilt (plus all the medical bills) on top of thinking I could of been setting an example for "this is how you deal with your sadness, kids" "simply check out". My husband would of come home from work to find me dead. I feel so selfish...Thank God, and I do give thanks for pulling me out of a coma. I was so near death the doctors didn't give Gil any hope that I'd make it.
I now have a plan and system in place that will help me to take control of my grief, tools to guide me out of my hole and put away the shovel so I won't keep digging.
I pray that you, my sister moms, who are bullit proof (as I) or/and are trying to go it without professional help seriously consider seeking it.
I was daily going through the motions and all the while my grief and sorrow were growing in me like a cancer.
On a lighter note, On one of the forms I had to fill out, for occupation: I wrote "Riverboat Gambler".
When the Admin. gal came to discuss the part that would not be covered by our insurance we wrote up a payment plan. As she was going to make a copy of it I asked her if for some reason I missed a payment would they take my mental health back?
Last but not least: 1. Where do I see myself 1 month from now. 2. One year from now. 3. 5 years from now.
I had no problem answering 1 & 2. After careful consideration and much pondering I answered #3 with "5 years older".
Exactly 4 years and one month ago today, Wesley was murdered at the age of 21. Exactly 4 years ago today his daughter Wesleigh was born. She has a birthday date tonight with her Uncle Michael.
I love you my sister moms.
Karen Wes's mom
HI KAREN, I WANTED TO KILLED MY SELF TO,THEN I GOT TO THINKING TO MY SELF ,NO THIS WILL STOP YOU FROM SEEING YOUR SON YOU WILL GO TO HELL.AN YOUR OUTHER CHILDREN. WHAT WILL THAY DO WITH OUT THERE MOTHER.I HAVE ASK GOD TO SEE ME THRU THIS .AN HE DID I AM STILL STANDING.IT JUST THAT LOSEING OUR CHILDREN LIKE THAT TEARS AT US FOREVER.I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME SLEEPING ,AND WHEN I DO I DREAM OF ALL KIND OF CRAZY STUFF.AN I BACK UP AGAIN.I DO NEED HELP BUT I WILL NOT ASK FOR IT .EVERYDAY IS THE SAME FOR ME SOME DAYS ARE WORSE.WE HAVE TO LEAN ON EACH OUTHER FOR SUPPORT .I THANK YOU KAREN. THIS MAY HELP SOME OF OUR NEW MOTHERS FOR TELLING US THIS.MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU ALLJOANN-HUBERT-MOM.
I am so glad that you made it thru. Thank You Lord. I believe all of us mothers have thought about killing ourselfs. Because the pain is so unbearable and the emptiness that we feel is so freaking hard to handle sometimes. I know I have had those thoughts. But, I too believe that if I did take my life my son Gene would be very unhappy with me. And also I can't put this pain again on my daughters and the rest of my family. I truley appreciate you sharing this with us. Going to support groups like Parents of Murdered Children and Compassionate Friends has really helped me thru this journey of grief. I will be keeping you in my prayers Karen. Just know that you are not alone in this. May God be at your side always. Take care of yourself. God Bless you.
Karen, I think you are brave to say it. I am glad you shared this with us. I felt ashamed to admit that last week I gave it a great deal of thought myself. I was feeling so down and just the profound sadness and grief that you wrote about. I like you, thought that I was handling things ok. It was thinking about my son and my husband and realizing that it would be the most selfish thing I could do that had me go into my husband and ask him to please remove everything from the medicine cabinet. I thought that I didn't need therapy because I had this group and support groups, but I realized at that moment that I was thinking about something that I don't even believe in because I was hurting so much and just wanted it to stop and that I did need help. I called the therapist we took Kaylin to for her bi polar and made an appointment. Thankfully I had my husband to help me through the moment and I also realized that how can I be Kaylin's voice if I kill myself? I have to make sure that my baby receives justice and that she is remembered. That is something that I have to make sure of for her. Like you, I don't want my son to think that would be the answer to his pain either. I felt ashamed and didn't want to mention it, though I am sure it is something every single one of us have thought about if even briefly. I am so glad that you are alright and that you did not succeed.
Much Love to you.
Love the answers you put on the form being able to hold on to a since of humor is a good thing. We all need to laugh now and then. There are days when wish I could be with my Jimmy but I know I have to be here for his little girl and all my family. What the heck would they do without ME. I am so sorry your pain brought you to the point of suicide just know that the day will come when you are with Wes again and it will seem as if you were never apart.
My prayers are with you
Much Love to you all
Joann, Angie and Kim, thank you for your kindness.
I have always felt that the souls of people who take their own lives go somewhere different from where I believe the souls of our children are at.
Before doing a lot of reading about the afterlife, and where souls move on to I was convinced the soul of suicides went to hell. I have read that they move on to a place that helps with relearning the lessons they were here to learn. There is no punishment, having to face their own shame and guilt is punishment enough. After reuniting with loved ones they move to another place souls gather for a shower of healing.
Don't get me wrong, believing that I wouldn't go to hell but some place else, didn't even cross my mind when I gulped down all those pills. My mind was set on one thing and that was getting the hell outta here.
I was hasty in my quest for a dirt nap and had no thought of consequences for my soul or the loved ones that I'd be hurting until I started comming on to the pills. My mind opened up for a brief moment and my son Michael (Wes's little bro) face appeared and I thought OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!! Then Gil, Sonya and my grandbabies came rushing into my head as I threw on dirty clothes grabbed my purse and raced to emergency before passing out.
Several months ago I was on the highway going about 80 mph. there was only a yellow line between me and the oncomming Semi, I was shocked to my sox after having the urge to quickly move into his lane smashing myself to kingdom come. I actually had to fight the impulse that I had to hit him head on.
That was my red flag.
I told no one.
I should have told everyone.
I might of been ready to be convinced that I needed help.
I will forever feel selfish and shame from this.
Karen Wes's mom
Shirley, Glad you appreciate the humor, I try to sprinkle it around even when it is uncalled for.
Do you want to know what the real kicker is?
Last Tuesday, the day before I took the pills I had a visitation from Wesley.
After fixing Gil some breakfast and making his lunch I crawled back into bed like I had been doing for the past 10 or so days. I was sleeping and heard the sound of someone clearing their throat, in the manner one would do to get your attention, or to signal you to change the subject, you know what I mean right?
Well waking up, but knowing I was asleep I lifted up the sheet and laying next to me was Wes! His feet were by my head so as I sat up I was faceing him. I kissed him all over his face and we talked to each other. For the life of me I can't recall a single word of it. Then Michael was next to us and I told Wes Michael can see him now. (my first visitation I was frustrated that Michael couldn't see him).
Then I put my hand on Wes's shoulder and pulled him to me so I could look at the back of his arm. Yes, he still had the deep scrapes in it from falling into the sprinkler box attached to the house, his back had all the scratches from the bushes he ended up gasping his last breath from. Then I lifted his shirt and there was the cut next to his nipple where the kitchen knife pierced his heart. It was as if I was taking body inventory! Then I remembered a birth mark, but couldn't remember if it was he or Michael that had it and I knew if I tried to think about it too hard it would pull me awake. Then I woke up.
I didn't tell anyone about this until yesterday.
I know I'll be with him when my time comes (without my help). I don't know why the visitation had no influence over my decision to try and end my life.
Clearly I need to give this one some more thought.
Karen Wes's mom
Well I'm very glad that you were able to get to the hospital on time. Yes I have thought of these things, also that I'd go to hell and not see my Timmy or my mom and dad. I thought also how could I do that to my boys, what they've already went thru with Timmy and what and how their lives are right now, I would never be able to do that, and let them live with more pain because of me. I'm so glad that you are ok, it is not your time. Maybe your visit from you son was he wanted you to see him and to know that you will always have him here because he kind of knew what you might do, and it was his way of saying I'm always here. I told my therapist if it wasn't for my sons and my sisters I'd have no reason to go on. My life is ruined, it is never going to be the same, I'm unhappy I live each day as it comes, I cry and I remember memories that make me cry, sometimes they make me smile of those goofy things Timmy did, or even my other boys. Plus I pray that I get to see my son's murderer(s) brought to justice, I pray I get to live and see them pay for their crimes, I pray each day they get caught. I don't dream so much of Timmy, just those 2 that I remember, but I know I have had him in my dreams before but can't remember them, just knew he was in it. I know, some days I can't imagine living my life without him. and how unfair this all is for each of us, why is there so much evil in the world that another could take another's life?
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Life is so hard now, and I understand it. Some days I don't even want to get up and yet I do, some nights I don't even want to go to sleep and I do. There are days that I just sit here in a daze all my thoughts on my son and what I've missed without him, and why, why, why. question that will always haunt me the rest of my life, I will never understand why, even if someone gave me the answer, it still would not be anything my heart could understand.
It was about a year after my Wes, died that I decided I couldn't take another drop of pain and took all the pills I had on hand (thank God they weren't enough to do the job) The next week i was reading something by Sylvia Brown and it said " if you are thinking about committing suiside, don't". You will have to come back and redo what you were here to learn this time and there is no way i want to repeat any of this life!!!!!!!!
The day after I tried to kill myself, I was asleep and my husband got a call from my dear friend in Washington State.She explained, that Wes, had contacted her. She wanted to know what was going on,how was I doing, for Wes, was so concerned for me. He wanted me to know he was fine and where he always wanted to be. He could not imagine being anywhere else and for me too just get my **** together. Something I use to tell him, all the time when he was a teenager dealing with his ADD.
I have had several messages from him since, from two different people and each time he lets me know he's fine and happy and that he is still cocerned for me.Like I have said before it does get easier. I will never get over it!!!!! but I will get through it. Like, Maya Angelou says: I CAN BE CHANGED BY WHAT HAPPENS TO ME I REFUSE TO BE REDUCED BY IT.
Much love to you Karen, I am so glad you are still here.
Kayt, Wes Matheson's mom
Bette and Kayt, Thanks for sharing your experiences with me(all of us). Bette you impress me as the kind of mom who "takes the bull by the horns". Wes's murderer was caught right away and we had our day in court. Kayt your fortunate to have such "receptive" friends that Wes can contact, you have both sides of existance keeping track of your well being, guiding you.
I spoke to my grandkids last night it was Wesleigh's birthday. While I was talking to Sonya (their mother) I could here her in the background yelling to her that I'm "not mom, I'm Grandma". Kids say the cutest things. Then when I spoke with my grandson I heard Sonya tell him "ok, tell grandma you love her and give me back the phone"......after listening to a brief scuffle I heard the wonderful laughter from a child who sounds as if he is being tickled, Tears practically shot out of my eyes. He sounded just like Wesley. When Sonya got back on the phone with me she told me he was running from her around the table, laughting the whole time.
I feel like such a bone head for forgetting how beautiful the sounds of life can be.
Karen Wes's mom
Karen, when I drive to work I had to stop coming home on Mulholland Drive. I would have that same urge you had with the semi except I would think that I would just drive over the side of the mountain. It was getting to be such a strong urge that for now I don't even take that road. I know that I feel like so many people are watching me right now that I can't tell them how I really feel or they would think I was crazy. I am glad to be surrounded by supportive friends and family but so often I feel like I have to put on a "public face' for them and I really just want to cry and cry and cry. My Dr asked me if I had thought about death and at that time I truthfully told her that I had wished I was dead but that I was not suicidal. Then last week, those two days that were especially hard, had me thinking that I had a whole bunch of samples of an anti depressant that I could take. When I kept thinking about it that was when I called my daughter's old therapist and handed the samples to my husband and asked him to please get rid of them and when I told him why, he reminded me that I had a son who needed me and that he did too. I know it was just because it hurt so much and I didn't want to feel that pain. If I told this to some of my family or friends they wouldn't understand that this makes you have those feelings. I know that all of the mom's here have thought the same thing and that it is safe to say that it hurts that much here. I am glad that you are ok and I only hope that if any mom finds herself at the point of acting that she will reach out and let us help her through. I am so glad that you are alright.
I am sorry that your grief took you to that level. We all have thought about it at least once any mother who has a child murdered has reached that point. We are so greatful that God put you in his hands and brought you back. He sure did let you know that you have not completed your work here on earth. And for you to beable to come on here and tell everyone not to try that is another job God wanted you to fullfill. You have helped others in your honesty and willingness to speak about it. You not only let these MOMS know suicide is not the answer but you also let them know that they should not feel like they are weak if they seek out help to get through this. You are a true gift to these MOMS and to those around you and your son is smiling saying THAT IS MY MOM. You very well may of saved a MOMS life and for that we all are greatful. You brave beautiful woman. We will continue to pray that your journey gets easier to bear.
Love to you and prayers to all
Cindy Monica's Mom
HI KAREN,I BEEN THROUGH THE DEATH WISH ALSO,WISH I WAS DEAD,WISH I COULD SEE TONY,I HATE MY SELF,BUT THROUGH IT ALL,I CAN'T CHANGE WHAT HAPPEN,I WISH I COULD,BUT KILLING MYSELF WILL BRING JOY TO THE DEVIL,THAT'S WHAT HE WHAT US TO DO,BUT REALLY I HAVE TO FIGHT FOR MY TWO BOY'S,THEY NEED ME THE MOST,TONY WANT'S HIS BROTHER'S TO BE HAPPY SO I HAVE TO OVER COME THIS EVIL IN MY LIFE,YES IT IS HARD SO HARD,MS.KAREN YOU ARE SO SWEET ,MY HEART IS WITH U ALWAY'S,AS MOTHER'S WE GO THROUGH SO MUCH EMOTIONS WITH THE LOST OF OUR CHILDREN,BUT TOGHTER WE WILL GET THROUGH SO MUCH PAIN,I WISH U WELL ,HUG'S!!
I'm so happy to see that you are here. Your Angel Wes was looking out for you, that's for sure. I know a million things must have been going through your mind at the time you took those pills and when you drove yourself to the emergency room. Again, I'm really happy that you're here with us. I hope that you get something out of your therapy sessions with your new group and by yourself. Wishing you only the best Karen. Thinking of you and your Angel Wes. Randi
My sweet Karen,
I think you are one of the few people who can make suicidal tendencies seem hysterical (like Carrie Fisher did in "Postcards from the Edge"). I am so happy that you lived to tell the tale. And an amusing tale at that. Although I know that a dark place took you there, you are always able to see the light in the situation. That's only one of the many things I admire about you. What stopped me from taking the plunge was the movie "What Dreams May Come" because there is no way that I'd want to stay in the purgatory of sadness for eternity--like in the movie. Plus, I just never saw it as a way to my family. The way I figure, I've got maybe 40 years left maximium, so every day I live is a day closer to them. I can be joyful in that. That's the way I spin it to hold on. This life really is just "a moment", often a bittersweet moment, but one nonetheless. I'm so glad you're here to share your wisdom and humor with us! Keep us posted on your progress, I'm sure you'll keep your therapist on his toes!
PS~ I hope your husband has bought you a dishwasher. You don't need anything else bothering you!
Karen, My gosh, I'm so glad you made it back to us. It takes a lot of courage to tell people but it's a part of the healing process. I wonder why Wes didn't tell you something? My brother tried to kill himself too. He is in prison for trying to kill one of the boys that killed his son. Our beloved John. Saturday will be 7 months. Nothing has happened to them but yet My brother is doing time, my nephew is dead, his brother is drinking himself to death, the whole family is still grieving and slowly falling apart and fighting about stupid things. I've been drinking. I hate my job. I keep trying to keep my brother together. He tried to hang himself. I hope you don't try it again. I know your family would fall apart. Please be safe. Death is forever. I keep telling Johnny Ray we have to live for now, this is it, when it's over it's over. He said John came to him in a dream and touched his face and he woke up crying like a baby. 52 years old crying like a baby. My God when I read what you did I started crying again. I thought when I moved I would be alittle happier. somehow. I don't know,,,,,,,, thenseeing people around me everywhere falling apart and thinking I have to find some strength to help them and I'm worthless. I try then I just end up crying and getting drunk at night.
I'm glad you are getting help, it makes me think about it again. Once again, I'm so glad you didn't bite the dust. I know in my heart you're going to make it. Wes wouldn't want you to do that. I know your heart is broken without him but even more hearts will be in horrible pain if you were gone.
Hang in there, everybody is pulling for you.
Love to you and your whole family and kisses to you from Wes.
Oh Patricia. I am just so sorry what this has done to your family. They don't just kill our children they destroy the whole family. I will keep you and your fmaily in my prayers. I am here if you need me.
it just broke my heart to hear what you are going through, I could not respond at first as I know we all have had the same thoughts. For me when those thoughts overwhelm me I feel like if I take my life then not only has my son's killers destroyed him but my family as well. I will not let them take any more than they have already taken from us. I always enjoy reading your posts as you always have some humor in the midst of all this pain. Laughing to keep from crying is my philosophy. My daughter has tried once to commit suicide and I thought I would lose my mind if I lost another child. Recently my middle son posted on Joshua's website that he felt he was all alone without his big brother. The heartache NEVER stops, but as MOMs we carry on and noone knows the pain except another MOM. Please take good care of yourself Karen and I now Wes would not want it any other way. Hang in there and lean on your fellow MOMs.
Karen, I can so relaste to wanting to kill yourself. I have a lot of pills and have thought so many times of taking them all and getting out of here. Living with this is sooo painful. The thing that has stopped me is my children and grandchildren. I am the only close family around here that Keara's children have from Keara's side of the family and I feel that I need to be here for them. I also need to be here for Keara. I need to tell her story and try to help others from suffering the same fate if I can and also be here for other Mom's and family members who are hurting. That is what I tell myself but sometimes I just want to be done with this pain.I have been in counseling since Keara's murder and take medication. In my past I was able to get through things on my own but now I know I have to take all the help I can get. Being in this situation goes way beyond what anyone can handle on there own. I am glad you did not die and am glad that you are also. I try to tell myself things will somehow get better. I have no idea how. I just hope that we all will see our beautiful childr4en again. Hang in there. Love, Darien
I just read that you try to kill yourself well dont think I didn't think to do myself in to my son was kill 2 years ago he was addicted to drugs in order to pay for his drugs he had to sale it he told me one day mom I found a new family I told him the new family you just found they gone a kill you sure enough 6 month later is dead I try to put him in treatment they had no beds so .His murder is not solve.My son was everything to me I lost the spark inside of me for ever I will never be the same,went I have thoughts of killing myself I ear my son say mom it will be ok so I go on love you momI ear him say love you mom so I think about the good memory we had together the many good laughs and I thank him for his 23 years he was who he was nevertheless I have an eclipse of the hart.I hang in there with my pain it's not easy I have the support of a few friends.I think that with all the pain that we have right now I cannot bring more on my family.So hang in there death is not a solution.Nicole
Karen, it's been along time since I've posted but I came on because it's Chris' birthday this coming Sat. and I'm having a really hard time..Your subject of course grabbed my eye..Chris and Daniele's father killed himself and left not only his mother, myself, his family but his children with such horrific guilt. I am so relieved to hear that you got yourself to the hospital when you did. As much as we all want to "check out", and believe me it's crossed my mind more than once, I think back to Big Chris and the aftermath that we were dealt because of his decision. Glad your still with us my friend..Robin, Chris' Mom Always