Everyday is hard but today was an especially hard day. It was like being punched in the gut over and over and over. Thinking of all the things she will never do with us again. The memories that we will be creating from now on will not have her as part of them. Today I went to work late because I was having a hard time making myself get up. I just wanted to lie there and slip away. I cried almost all day long today so I don't know what good I did by going to work. With each day it is just another awful reminder that she will not walk in my door. I just cannot imagine a world without Kaylin in it. How can such a world exist? I never had anxiety attacks before this and now I have them frequently. I hate this. I hate that my daughter is gone and that there is nothing I can do to get her back and that we didn't get a choice in this because someone else made the decisions they made. I hate that my life was shattered because someone else decided. I hate that he is able to sit down with his family and talk to them and see them and tell them he loves them and I can only go sit at a grave. I hate this!!! I hate this!!!! I hate this!!!!!! I am trying not to question God, but I don't understand this at all. I know that I have to remain faithful and trust God but I hurt so much that I just want to die. I hurt to the depths of my soul. I know that none of us deserve this. None of our children should be dead. I say it out loud when I am alone sometimes, "Kaylin is dead......Kaylin is dead.....Kaylin is dead." Those words should not go together. Kaylin and dead should not be in the same sentence. I just want to scream, "NOT MY CHILD". Take my house, my health, my money, my car, but NOT MY CHILD!! Everyday is like a walking death. It hurts so much and the only thing to take the pain away I can't have. I just needed to vent. To release a little of the pain that I know you all understand. I just needed to have a moment to release some of that. It is late and the neighbors are too close for me to scream until I feel a little release so I have to come here and type. Without this group I don't know if I would make it at all.
I ache when I read this knowing how much you are hurting and not being able to ease that pain. We all are or have been in this shape before. You are NOT alone. I cannot tell you the pain will ever go away because it will NOT. But you learn to live with the pain as all the other MOMS have come to do. It is awful that all our lives have come to this. One person making the decision to take our childs life and we are never the same. I had to put my energies into something that would help me feel like my daughter did not die for nothing. I am involved with the local Safe House and I go to the Support Groups and I help others to get out alive. This helps me. Everything I do in my life now is centered around helping others and I do it for my Daughter. I pray that you will find something to hang onto that Kaylin would of loved to do and never got the chance. Do it for her. If she loved animals help the animal shelter. If she loved flowers plant a beautiful garden for her. Find a way to survive do not allow the animal that took your beautiful Kaylin to take the rest of you somehow I feel like they win if they get all of us but if we keep fighting for our children we have won over them. And H--- is burning fierce for them waiting to have them casted into their fiery depths. We all are praying for you and sending you our love.
Love and Prayers
Cindy is right. I know right now is hard, I cannot say time heals wounds, because our wounds will never heal. It is over a year now, and I still cry every day. Some days I stop myself because if I'm at work or something. I've had those days when walking in the supermarket and seeing his favorite foods and still bought them anyway even though no one else at them, and breaking down in the middle of the aisle. Believe me I know! We all do, its not easy and our lives will never be the same. You learn to live with it, that's the only way I can describe it. I went to the cemetary today and cried again as always and I said to him why are you here? And how I love him and my life will never be the same and I can't imagine going on without him in it, that one day justice will be served. I asked him to ask God to give us peace to find who did this and make them pay for their crimes, he did not deserve this he was a good kid. God will find justice for me and my family I have to BELIEVE in this. I did what Cindy said, I started a journal, now I cannot write in it as much, but it did help. I started his memorial website, that also helps me, but I can't go on it at work, I cry and cry looking at pictures. I try and update his legacy and timeline. It helps me when I write it out. I also planted a small garden out back, with an angel/fairy and marigolds, boy theose marigolds went crazy they are so big and high and overflowing, to me it's a sign that life for Tim is not over, never in my heart he will always be here inside me, and no one can take that away. I also got a tatoo on my shoulder of a shamrock with his name under it. he loved and was proud of being Irish, every time he'd burn a CD he would put a Shamrock on it so he knew it was his. I also keep trying to raise his reward fund, and told myself even if the reward never gets used, I will use that in some way helping troubled kids, kids who have bipolar like he had, maybe some kind of grant each year to a different organization. This gives me somethng I might be able to do in years to come to keep his memory alive and let everyone know this is for my Timmy. Keep going to the meetings, do a scrap book anything that helps your soul feel closer to her, I know it's so hard and I cannot say it will get easier, but you are not alone. It's a sad thing to say, but you are not, we are all here to help each other thru our pain and grief and our memories of our babies.
It's been over six years for us. I can honestly say it has gotten easier. I still have my moments, yes I still cry, only not as often. Wes, has been on my mind a lot lately, his birthday is comming up next month, his nephew, who has been with us and reminds me so much of him will be going home to PA, next week, all triggers.
There will be a time and it's different for us all that you will be able to breath without it hurting, when grief runs it's course and you will be able to talk about your child and remember your baby without having a total meltdown. I can't pinpoint when that happened for me but it did.
For the first few years I gardened, Wes was a landscaper and loved to grow everything, from Orcids to Taro. I have become a master gardener in my own right, in his memory. I started out with a small 8x10 plot and have nearly an acre and a half, of every plant you could imagine. This was the one thing that helped me keep my sanity. I started writng, thoughts, songs, poems and a book is in the works. It may never get published but I will be able to hand it down to his nieces and nephews so they will know who uncle Wes, really was.
We are all different and how we get through this nightmare is also different. I can honestly say that by finding this site and all of the wonderful, strong, compassionate women, I have come out of the tunnel and am enbracing the light on the other side, once again.
So Kim, I know your heart is breaking now and I know you can't ever concieve being whole again but there will come a time. Just know your beautiful, wonderful, daughter, is with you. I do still talk to my Wes, and the little fellow talks back, as sassy as ever.
Kayt, Wes Matheson's mom
EVERYDAY IS HARD FOR ME I HAVE BEEN THRU SO MUCH I NEED HELP BUT I WILL NOT SEEK HELP TRYING TO GET OVER THIS BY MY SELF AND WITH ALL OF YOU MOMS.
I have always journaled. One of the things I have now is her baby journal. I wrote milestones and funny things she did through her life and those memories are extra special now. When Kaylin and I were having some difficult times we had a journal that we wrote to each other in. It was a place that she could safely say what she wanted without getting into trouble for it. She had to remain respectful but she could say how she felt. Most of it was her telling me that it was unfair for a grounding or something. :) Now I keep a journal of letters that I continue to write to her. I tell myself that I have to keep going to get justice for her. I tell myself a lot of things lately. We are checking into some type of fund to set up in her memory. I don't know yet if it will be for bi polar or for music scholarships or for something that will keep kids from starting drug use. I am still trying to decide how and what to do on that. I tell myself that I have to make sure that she is never forgotten. She had so much to offer the world and i want to make sure that her impact is still felt and is positive. I hope to find some of her journals and her poetry. I would like one day to try to get her poems published. She was a talented writer. I have no tattoos but I have thought long and hard about getting a purple butterfly with her name spelled out in the wings. I am trying to get just the right design for it. If we ever find her clothes I plan to make a quilt of them. Right now I don't have many of them here. She took them to wash and had them with her when she was killed. Today was a numb hard. Yesterday was a heart wrenching hard. I just felt numb and sad today and then I had to go to the post office. When I was about third in line (with a long line behind me) the lady made a point of telling me I shouldn't be frowning and to turn my frown upside down and the whole it takes more muscles to frown then smile. I wanted to scream at her. Then when I got up there she just kept going on and on. I quietly told her that it was very hard to feel like smiling when your child had been killed and that I felt like just getting out of bed each morning was an accomplishment for me. Before this I always smiled. I even had people think I was strange because I smiled and laughed too much. I had been told many times that no one could be that happy. I laughed and joked and sang all the time. Now all I hear is how quiet I am and how they miss me being silly. I am trying to smile sometimes but it is hard. I try to make a joke every now and then but my heart is just not in it. I try to put on my face because I was raised to not carry your troubles to the world, but as hard as I try I cannot keep it from seeping in. This is my life for now. I know one day I will laugh, smile and sing again but for now I can't. It takes every bit of energy I have to make it through the day. I read the MOM's who have been through this and I take comfort that it will become more bearable and understand that it will never go away. I tell myself that I have to survive sometimes minute by minute but that I have to. I am her voice now. I am the one who has to make sure she receives justice and to make sure that she is always remembered. Sometimes this place is good for me to just type and release how I feel. I know that you all understand because we are all on the same road, some, like myself are just beginning it and some are a little further up the road but we are all on the same one. I also know that because of this that I now have a responsibility to stop and help those who are coming up after me. I wish that there were no more. I wish that none of us ever had to meet this way. When I cry and I can tell the person is trying to be supportive but I can tell that they wonder why I can't move on, I know that you understand. Your hearts are broken just like mine. I appreciate all of the support and that when it feels unbearable and I feel that I will die from the pain that I can say it hurts that bad and none of you tell me to just get over it or deal with it, but instead you tell me that you understand and that your hearts have been broken as well. I have always tried to find things in life to be thankful for, and it is sometimes hard now. I have found few things though. I am thankful that we found her body. I am thankful that I have loving family, I am thankful that I have supportive friends and I am thankful that I have found this group. I am reminded that when Kaylin was 8 years old, we moved to a town that had a lot of cattle yards. It smelled so badly that sometimes you couldn't breathe without the smell of cow manure tasting in your mouth just from the air. She complained that it stank so bad. I reminded her that sometimes we had to look for the positive things about our situation. She looked at me and said with the most serious expression, "Well, mom you can fart and no one will notice it.: I am thankful I have so many good memories of her. I know when I am so sad that I feel like I cannot move my body that I had this wonderful girl who made me laugh, who made me cry, who made me happy, who drove me crazy, and who made my life whole. I miss her. On her memorial from her funeral it says that Grief is the price we pay for love. I am so lucky to be her mom. It is the best title I ever had. I am sorry if I ramble too much on these post. Thank you MOMS.
Kim... hold on. we are here for you... please vent. Let it flow. We understand every word, every phrase. My prayers are with you. For me - I am over two years later and still have hard days. I call them James days. I know he would understand.