IT WILL BE A YEAR ON AUG.23.07 FOR MY SON RITO WHO LIFE WAS TAKEN FROM ME THAT DAY,EVER SINCE THEN MY LIFE IS TO COPE WITH EVERYDAY I TRY VERY HARD TO LIFE TO THE FULLEST BUT I CANT MY HEART ACHES SO MUCH I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO,I HAD A TALK WITH MY HUSBAND AND HE SAID I WAS VERY SELFISH BECAUSE ITS FOR ME TO LOVE AGAIN BECAUSE IM AFRAID TO LOVE MY OTHER KIDS WITH BEING AFRAID OF LOSING MY OTHER BABIES AS FAST AS THEY TOOK RITO IM SCARED FOR MY OTHERS TO BE TAKEN FROM ME,IM I SELFISH OR DO I NEED TO GET HELP I WANT TO GO TALK TO SOME ONE BUT A DR ONLY GOING TO GIVE ME MORE MEDS I DONT WANT THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME AND MY HURT ON LOSING MY BABY RITO,EVERYONE KNEW HOW RITO WAS TO ME I LOVE MY OTHER THREE ITS JUST I HURT SO MUCH RIGHT NOW I DONT WHAT TO DO? CAN SOME HELP ME OUT THERE TO UNDERSTAND THIS BETTER PLEASE.SIGHED A VERY HURT MOMMIE RITOS MOMMIE

HI RENA. I JUST CAN SAY THAT FOR ME MY HURT IS DEEP EACH DAY I CRY. I WILL NOT TAKE A BATH UNTIL MY YOUNGER SON COME IN SIDE FORM PLAYING OUT SIDE,LOOSING MY SON THAT NITE KEEPS PLAYING ON MY MIND ALL THE TIME.I LEARN TO LET GO OF HUBERT A LITTLE.I WILL NOT STOP LOVEING HIM .OR MY OUTHER CHILDREN WHEN YOU LOOSE A CHILD TO MURDERED IT IS DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH.WE ALL NEED HELP WITH THIS I NEED HELP .YOUR HUSBAND IS JUST HELPING. MY HUSBAND SAY HE IS NOT READY TO TALK AND THATS DRIVING ME CRAZY.I HOPE I HAVE BEEN SOME HELP TO YOU RENA. MY LOVE AN PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU JOANN(HUBERT)MOM.

The pain is unbearable and we all here know what you are going thru. I see a therapist for grief counseling, no meds, I only take something to help me sleep at night or if I have an anxiety attack. I play the images in my mind all the time, it never leaves. I lost my son one year ago on 7/13, he was only 15 y/o. He was my baby. I raised him by myself, and my other 2 boys but they were 6 and 4 when I had Timmy. I try and stay strong for them, they are what helps me wake up every day. I know they need me to stay strong, but many days I have fallen apart in front of them and I feel bad because they see the pain in me as a mother, and I feel the pain they go thru for their baby brother, so I try and stay strong for them. My oldest was the worse, my middle guy hardly talks about it. Lots of anger and pain in all our hearts. We are here for you to talk, to vent, to cry to, no one will judge you and that's why I love coming to Mom's because we are bound by the same thing, in this together, no one else understands what we go thru, only another mom who loses a child to murder can understand the pain we go thru.

God Bless
Bette
Timmy's mom

Hello Rena, you are grieving your son and the pain of losing a child to murdered is the hardest thing a women will ever endure, I don't believe there is anything in this life that could hurt more or test a women's will to go on living after her child is taken by homicide,I don't believe a father suffers the loss as deeply as a mother it is horrific,you are not selfish you are grieving, and you can't stop it until your soul starts to heal and only God and time will do that, Rito is with you , you must believe that and ask him to comfort you , talk to God he will help you too , all of the moms here feel the same sick , empty pain your feeling, we understand, TIME and GOD.is the only answer, don't forget your other beautiful children, they need there mommie too, they are a good reason to hang on and be strong, I will pray for you and your Rito, may God touch your soul with some peace and Love.....Jackie Tommy's momma

Hi Rena,
I think I know what you mean, you are so heart broken the thought of going through this pain with another of your children runs through your mind, I stayed away alot from my dad when he was sick and dieing I thought if I wasn't so close it wouldn't hurt as bad. I was so very wrong it hurt just as bad as it would have if I had visited him every day. I do take meds I just can not stop crying if I don't. This weekend will be 8 months since my Jimmy's death and I am dreading the weekend. Coming up on the one year mark is more than likely adding a lot to your stress. I would say if you don't start feeling a little better after the 23 of Aug, maybe you should find someone to talk with. That is just my thought on this I tell myself every day I need help but then don't get it.
Much Love to you my prayers are with you.
Jimmy's Mom
Shirley

We have just started going to the Parent's of Murdered children support groups and the compassionate friend's support groups. This group helps me the most because ya'll do understand and you know how I feel. I went to a shrink and she kept pushing the antidepressants. I know for some people they help but for me I don't want to be on them. I don't want to feel this pain and I know that I have to grieve my child and that it will never go away only become a little more bearable. Right now I fall apart all the time. Around my son I try to act as normal as possible and not fall apart in front of him. I tell him that I miss her and I talk about her so that he will know it is ok. He is in a lot of denial and has a lot of anger. I want so much to never let him out of my sight. I am afraid of losing him too and I cannot lose both of my children. I also don't want him living in the shadow of her death. There have been a few times I have had to let him go do something and I didn't breath until he was back home. One night he fell asleep on the couch and I just sat and stared at him all night long. He and Kaylin have the same face shape, nose, eyes, and mouth. I would just trace his face while he slept. He used to sound just like her on the phone but now his voice is changing. Sometimes when he isn't squeaking I will just close my eyes and listen to that one word....Mama. I always loved hearing that word from my kids, but now I just close my eyes and hear her say, "Mama." My husband and I talk but I get most of my support from here. The support groups said that this can cause some marriages to end and we don't want that to happen to us. So far we fall apart at different times so we can help each other. We remind each other daily that we are on the same side and that is to get justice for our baby girl. We realize that we grieve differently but we both grieve. I know he is shaken to the core over this. He knows I need to talk about her to anyone and everyone who will listen. I am here if you need to talk. We miss our babies. There is a hole in our hearts now. If I had my way I would never get out of bed. I wouldn't move. But we are mama's and sometimes we do what we have to do and not what we want to do. We hurt, and we fall apart but we remain strong for our other children who are here and need us while we fight for justice for the child we have lost. Your pain is allowed and if you need to talk I am here for you.

Hi Rena,
I am so sorry about the loss of your son Rito. I understand your pain and hurt. My son Eugene was murdered on May 6, 2007. He was 34 years old. My only son and the oldest of my three children. He was my best friend. My surrograte husband and my daughter's father. His father and I divorced when he was 8 years old. I miss him so much. I have been attending Parents of Murdered Children and Compassionate Friends support groups since June of last year. They have helped me so much to get thru this difficult journey that I am walking. I have never taken any medication. I went to go and see a counselor three times and found out that the support groups were being more helpful to me. I really encourage you to see if any of these groups are in your area. If you would like me too I can send you the links to both of them. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. Sending you some hugs. {{{}}}

SURE I WOULD LOVE TO GET SOME LINKS FOR THESE MEETINGS,I WAS GOING TO ONE IN MONTEBELLO THRU A CHRISTIAN CHURCH BUT THE MEETINGS THAT THEY HAD WERE SOME OF THEM WHERE CHILDRENS AND OTHERS WERE BOYFRIENDS,PARENTS SO I NEED TO TALK ABOUT MY LOST OF MY CHILD WITH PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHAT IM GOING THRU IT GOT ME A LITTLE MAD CAUSE ALOT WHERE BLAMING GOD AND I NEVER BLAMED GOD BECAUSE MY CHILD WAS ONLY LENDED TO ME FROM GOD AND NOW THAT IT WAS RITOS TIME TO GO HOME THATS WHY GOD TOOK HIM BACK,SO I STOP GOING TO THOUGHS MTGS FOR THAT REASON.BUT PLEASE GET BACK WITH ME ON THOSE LINKS THANK YOU KINDLY.THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR RESPONE TO MY LIL NOTE,IT HELPED OUT ME OUT

YOU KNOW THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR RESPOND TO MY MESSAGE FOR HELP.YOU KNOW I LOVE MY CHILDREN VERY MUCH DONT GET ME WRONG THAT IM LIVING THEM OUT NO IM NOT DOING THAT,ITS JUST I SHUT DOWN ALL OF SUDDEN AND I CRY AND JUST WANT TO SLEEP AND DO NOTHING,MY KIDS KNOW I LOVE THEM VERY MUCH,AND THEY KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVED RITO HE WAS MY HEART AND SOUL,HES THE ONLY ONE WHO EVER TOLD ME HE LOVED ME EVERYDAY,AND LEFT ME NOTES EVEYDAY SAYING HE LOVED ME AND I WAS NO#MOMMIE AND I WAS VERY SPECIAL TO HIM.THINGS LIKE THAT I MISS HE MORE A BEST FRIEND THEN A SON THERE WAS JUST SOMETHING ABOUT HIS LOVE.BUT I DID PUT UP A WALL THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE I NEED TO PROTECT MYSELF AND KIDS AT ALL TIMES.PLEASE HELP ME

Believe me I understand, I breakdown in front of my 2 other boys all the time, the beginning of this nightmare was even worse, I can't tell you that my son's would find me in my room hysterical or in the bathroom, or down stairs or anywhere it happens it happened, I too had a special bond with Timmy, he was my youngest, he was my baby, we were like buddies we went everywhere together, he'd go to the store with me just to take the ride, I loved him with all my heart, and I love my other boys too as well, but when you lose a child to murder your love is so overflowing for them and you have no where to put that love as you feel lost and alone because of it. It doesn't mean you love your other children any less, belive me I know what you feel.

I go to a grief counselor, maybe you can call the Victims service and see if they have any. I found mine thru the Anti Violence Group here where I live. It has helped, but the best therapy for me really is coming here. This is where I let all my real feelings out, my loss, my helplessnes and hopelessnes, where I find comfort in the arms of people who know what I am going thru.

God Bless
Bette
Timmys mom