I know you all might think I'm crazy, but this number 13 just seems to keep popping up every where I go, and especially a Friday the 13th, the day my son was murdered. Today is the 13th month since he has been gone, and the 13th day. My son's headstone was placed on June 13th, which also was a Friday. Now my other son is taking his driver's test and guess what, yes it is on 9/13. And it seems to me that there are more Friday the 13th's than I can remember. I cried again last night, having visions of that night and what he must have went thru. I see him laying in the street in my mind (they would not let me down there) and I see the heartache my oldest endured id'ing his baby brother and losing a friend too. He blames himself for this and it hurts my heart as we all know this had nothng to do with him, but he thinks if he wasn't friends with this guy, this guy would never have asked Timmy to walk to the store and he'd be alive today. I have the memorial site for him and I can some days even go to light a candle, it breaks me apart. Looking at pictures and I cry. I see his face everywhere at home, I hold onto this teddy bear at night that he got when he was in the hospital a few months before he was killed. I have his pciture under the little bears shirt. I kiss it everynight and say good night Timmy. and then I try and pray but I break down and start crying, why God why. Please let them catch who did this, why would they take an innocent little kid? I don't understand the evil in people. I get angry and wish I knew who it was but then what am I going to do??? Some days I wish I was a crazy guy just for a minute and beat the crap out of who it is, and anyone associated wth them. Is that nuts or what? I vision it in my head but I know it won't happen and I know it won't help me any, it won't bring my Timmy home. I want justice for my son, I want them to rot away in prison, I pray they suffer and then I think maybe God doesn't want me to pray for their suffering so I try not to, I just ask please don't let him go out that way, he didn't deserve to have this happen, don't let them walk away and get away with murdering an innocent child. My heart aches so bad. I try and act cheerful, I paste a smile on my face, but inside I just wish I could disappear, or stay in bed, I get up every day for my other boys. If not for them I probably would not be here.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Bette, The pain is so unbearable I am amazed I am still here. I'm glad they didn't let you see your Timmy lying there, believe me from someone who knows you'd be having nightmares every night.
I think it's good you come here and open up and get support, you are supporting all of us as well.
Love from Gerrick's mom, Diane
I so don't think you are crazy you are in pain I don't think I would be as strong as you if I didn't know who murdered Jimmy. I know I would be a CRAZY LADY. This isn't something you will ever be able to let go of I pray for you each and every night that Timmy's murders are caught soon. You have done a wonderful job of keeping his memory alive and fighting for justice for him. But you need to take a break now and then take care of you I know Timmy would want you to do that. I have every night for a week now had visions of what Jim must have gone through on that night, I haven't gotten much sleep lately. I know things will settle down for me after the 16 passes. And believe me if I didn't have to get up and go to work I think there would be days I wouldn't even think about getting out of bed.
There is not one word you wrote that I am not thinking myself.I too don't know who killed my Andre' and I have the exact same thoughts.Andre' was also murdered very close to my home(1 block away) and I first heard of a murder in the park on the news.I knew in my heart that it was my son.I was just praying I was wrong.I could not bring myself to go down there.I regret it to an extent but I am sure I was better off not seeing my baby like that.It still eats me up.I don't know if my heart can take this scum "getting away with it".I keep you and all the moms in my thoughts and prayers.You are not alone in this,
Vickie, Bette I am so sorry that your children's murderers have not been caught. I pray for justice for you and your sons. Bette, I have thought about if Kaylin knew she was dying over and over again. Even at 20, when she was sick she would call me at work and tell me that she was feeling bad or was really sick. I'd always ask her if she wanted me to get her some 7 up and chicken noodle soup. I replay over and over, did she cry out for me? I remember the night before, she had asked about bringing in a stray kitten. I told her she couldn't leave the kitten there because I have four dogs and while they are good with cats, I was worried about this one being so small. I told her to take it to the Animal Shelter. I volunteer there so I knew they would take care of her and not put her to sleep. She left with the kitten. I talked to her that Monday morning and she told me she was going to go home. When I got home, later that evening and she had not come home I thought maybe she thought I was mad about the kitten. I thought if she thinks I am mad about it she won't come home tonight, I guess I will see her tomorrow. She died that night. The night that I thought she wasn't coming home she was dying and I was getting ready for bed. She was seen alive at 10 pm across the street and I keep thinking why didn't I go to the store, or go to get ice cream or anything that would have taken me across the street to maybe see her so I could get her. I keep wondering was she already dead when they threw her body into that ravine or did she lie there and die all alone? Mostly I wonder did she know, really truly know how much I loved her? I know that she knew I loved her, but did she REALLY know? Did she know that I would take her place and die for her in a heartbeat if only I could? I wonder too, was she scared? I also wonder why I let stupid stuff waste time with her that I can never get back. I used to enjoy the view from my office but now I don't open my blinds because it looks too much like the place she was left in.
I hope and pray that someone will come forward so that your sons can receive the justice they and you need and deserve. Bette, I understand what you mean. If not for my son, I know I would not be here. I have not been suicidal but I have wished I would just not wake up so the pain would stop. Then I remember that I have to fight for my girl. Even if the only thing I can do that day is remind people that she lived, she existed and she was amazing.
Shirley, LOL on the CrazyLady :) yes that's what my boys call me :) and that is my myspace name.
Vickie, I do know the pain, when I read your posts I think we feel the same pain, not knowing, never understanding, but really will we ever? I used to wonder will it help me any if they do find him/them? I want them to pay, to suffer and not get away with it, but will it help me any or hurt me more, because I do think it is someone we know. I go outside my house and look down the street and can see where he was killed, I ride past there every day and bless myself and throw a kiss, but it eats me up.
Kim, I hear the same words that I say to myself all the time. I remember things that wish never happened and I remember things that are so close to my heart, Timmy was a big animal lover to. He brought cats in all the time, or dogs he'd find. My last words to him as he sat by the computer was good night baby cakes, don't stay up late and he said, I won't I'm tired, and I said ok love ya. I see it in my mind all the time I remember I rubbed his hair, I still in my mind can feel it. God can't go on, I'm just going to start crying again.
I thank you all for being here for me, I don't talk to many like I can here, you all understand my pain and help me thru it, I can speak freely about Timmy and not feel like I am making anyone uncomfortable, I can talk about what happened and how I feel and what it is doing to me inside and out, how my life is falling apart and I try to pretend I'm ok for my boys sake, and you all understand and don't judge me.
Well I better get off before I start and then I'll never stop crying and i'm at work!
God Bles all you moms and I pray for each and everyone of you that God keeps you in his grace.