I feel numb, some days I want to cry and nothing comes. Sometimes I push it out of my mind and then I feel like I'm not thinking of Timmy. but I think of him all the time, every second of the day, my mind is so numb anymore though, at night I'm afriad to say my prayers because I cry so I say them real quick so I don't cry. My heart is heavy but I feel like a robot I just get thru the day. Why is this happening? Why do I feel so numb now, I toss and turn every night. I take meds to help me sleep and I'm always so tired, every day that's all I feel is tired and numb.
YES BETTY I DO ALLTHE TIMES DON"T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU I TOSS AN TURN SLEEP LESS I THINK MY IS THE TRIAL COMEING UP SEPT 2 ,I HAVE CHESTPAIN ALL THE TIMES I AM NOT ON NO MEDS,JUST WOULD LIKE TO FEEL LIKE I USE TO PUT THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.I AM TIRED I GET UP EARLY .THEN TAKE A 15 MIN NAP,I HAVE TO MAKE MY SELF STOP CRYING SOMETIMES.MY PRAYERS ARE COMEING YOUR WAY LOVE JOANN(HUBERT)MOM.
I just went back to work Monday and I find that I have to go to the bathroom and just cry several times a day. I will be in my office working and the tears just start. I never know what will bring them. I hate to go anywhere now. My husband took me to dinner and we are both so numb. I kept tearing up and having to wipe my eyes. There is not a moment that I don't think of her. I will be thinking of her and then all of a sudden it is like a gut punch that this is real and permanent and it will send me reeling. I have been having panic attacks and a lot of anxiety. I don't take anything. They wanted me to take anti depressants, but for me I find that the depression is not from an imbalance but from the situation. That pill is not going to change my situation. I am not suicidal and would never take my own life, but I have wanted to just die. Right now I know that if I did not have to function for my son I don't think I could function at all. I want to make sure to remember her and to do things to make sure she is never forgotten but I also want to just stop sometimes and do nothing. I scream everyday in my car either on the way to work or home from work. Some days I just pray to make it through the next moment. I miss her so much. I just want to hold her one more time. To hear her silly laugh. I cannot stand to know I will not see her here again. I sit on the couch and replay her walking in the door and asking if anyone has called for her over and over. I want that more then anything.
Yes I know what you mean Kim, it was just a year for my son Timmy, he was shot execution style walking home from the store with a friend of his older brother. He was only 15 y/o. I was the same way, some days I still am, I all of a sudden will just start crying. When I first came back to work I cried all day, left my desk many times, work people have been nice to me, but the day I came back they changed my job, I was an admin. asst and they put me up at the reception desk, I was heartbroken on my first day back after burying Timmy! I couldn't believe it, but I am still here hanging on to each day as it passes. I am numb now, we have not had any arrests, no courts for us, we're not sure who did this, thye have an idea and they can't say much, but I'm lucky my detective is a very nice man and he does call me back and trys to keep me updated as best he can. But I know, I wouldn't go out for months, never go to a restaurant, I did go with some friends not to long ago and it's not the same, I don't feel like I'm really there, my body is but the rest of me isn't, just numb. I too stop myself from crying,now it seems like I can't cry! Only at bed time when I go to sleep and say my prayers, I will just sob and sob, now I'm afraid to, I don't even want to walk to the store, they wanted me on anti-depressants, but I didn't take them, I do take anxiety meds to help me sleep or if I get into a panic attack. I feel like I'm stuck, in a nightmare, everyone else's life is moving on and I'm stuck here. Yes many friends have left me too, even my b/f of 9 years abandonded me. He started coming around during Timmy's anniversary said he couldn't handle it, was too emotional, well what about me and my other boys? So then after the vigil and all we held, I don't even hear from him again? What was that about? He told one of my friends that he didn't think I wanted him back in my life?? Turned it around on me, where has he been for the last 10 months, then appears and then disappears again, who is the one acting like they don't want them in their life? I'm a mess and always will be. I try to keep it together for my other boys, I want to cry and can't and when I do cry I stop myself. Some days I can't even go to Timmy's memorial page I start crying again. I started updating it, putting more on his timeline and his legacy page, had to stop again. Even writing in the journal I do and then try to go back and I can't. I feel like a yo-yo up and down up and down. My life will never be the smae as none of us will be, I just can't go on thinking I have to live without him. And then all the rumors I hear in the neighborhood about who could be involved or they here this or that and come to me. I can't take much more of it! Now I feel like a zombie, or a robot moving thru the days.
Oh yes I do, I take meds to help me through I wouldn't be able to sleep without them. I miss Jimmy more and more with each passing day. I think to myself now it is going on 8 months 10 more days and I am already going crazy thinking about the 16th of this month being 8 months since I last saw my Jimmy. I will never have him walk through the door again and say "Mom you are never going to believe this!" or pat me on the head he always did that it was his way of showing affection. I am at work (on lunch) right now and it is all I can do to hold back the tears. I miss my son so much!! There are times I just don't want to go on anylonger, I need to for my granddaughter Miss Sandra she misses her daddy so much too. It breakes my heart when she says things like my daddy use to do that. Last weekend she said "I wish my daddy could take me to Marine World again." Boy it is so Damm hard.
Much love to you all
you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Today was a different day. Today I didn't cry much at work. A little but not much. I felt too depressed to even cry. I have a cubical in the back, thankfully and there were times today when I would hear footsteps coming my way and realize that I was just sitting there in a daze. I got a little work done but not what I usually would have before this nightmare. Today my bathroom sit downs seemed to be full of heavy sighs. I didn't even want to sit up in my chair. It was like my whole body just wanted to curl up right there. I couldn't hold my shoulders or my head up most of the day. I just sat staring until I was interrupted. I didn't answer the phone much because I didn't want to talk to anyone. I used to laugh a lot. I used to smile a lot. Work used to be fun for me. Now I get the occassional "You're not laughing or You are so quiet today." Not from the people I work closely with but from the ones who come through and are used to hearing me laugh. They know kaylin is gone and they think I feel like laughing? Sometimes it feels like I have to be two people. The one person who pushes down my feelings to be polite and smile and participate in life and the other me who just wants to die because the pain hurts so bad. Instead I can only sit and stare and sigh. I took a different route home today and cried all the way home. Lately everytime I get into my car I cry. It makes me so angry that the boy dumped my daughter in a ravine like she was nothing. She was everything to me. She and her brother are my life and now half of my life is gone. Why did he treat her like that? She didn't deserve that. To be left outside where animals could have gotten to her. I guess the worst animal did. While I slept in my bed that night my daughter was lying in a ditch breathing her last breath. I was supposed to protect her. I was supposed to make sure she stayed ok. My husband used to tell me I could be overprotective. It didn't stop this from happening. I just keep thinking, was she afraid? Did she know she was dying? Did she call for me? Did she want me to save her and i didn't? When she was sick, even at 20 she wanted to be babied. She would always let me know when she was sick and come crawl in bed with me so I could make sure she was ok. June 30, I wasn't there to take care of her. I just want to hold her. At the viewing of her body, I kept messing up her hair. I needed to memorize every freckle I could see. To touch her hair and braid it one more time like when she was little. I am surprised that there was any make up left on her face. I needed to touch her. I stayed until they lowered her casket into the grave, and I wanted to crawl in with her and keep her safe. I miss her so much. I am sorry if I got off topic. rambling seems to be my new thing to do.
You ramble all you want we all do at times but this isn't really rambling these are our true honest feelings and we need someone to hear and take heart, here we know all the moms do hear and do take heart.
I did the same thing with my son I kept touching him and kissing him. But I had him cremated so I have him home with me. It is comforting in a way to have him here. I think we all wonder just what happened and just what our children were thinking and going through. My son knew he was dieing he told the sheriff who came on sine "Dean I am going to die right here on this porch." Then told him what had taken place. And thank God he did because in the words of one of the jurors "Jimmy's own words are what really convicted Michael Marlin of murder."
My thoughts will be with you today
I wish I knew who killed my son, the thought of it being someone he knew who could be saying hello to me on the street eats me up. I don't trust anyone anymore. I used to go out all the time on Sat. nights, sometimes we'd take Timmy with us out to eat, he loved it. He was so cute. He loved hanging with me, he was my buddy. I remember Kim, asking my det. and the forensic guy the same thing, did he suffer, was he afraid, he said if it gives me any comfort he went quick. I would lay at night and even now here I go, the tears, ok I had to stop for a minute. Well I would ask the det. did he try to run, and he said no he was in a protective stance, knees bent arms over head, I said why didn't he run, why didn't he run, he said he probably froze. That eats me up, he saw Damien get shot and knew, he knew, then he he froze and they walked up behind him and just shot him in the back of his head as he put hsi arms up to protect himself, oh God, it makes me sick!!!!!!! I see this in my head all the time, every day. To think he was scared just for one second, one moment, what did he think, I'm sorry I havetog et off now I'm cryring. at my deks,
YES I FEEL EXACTLY LIKE THAT,I TAKE SO MANY MEDICATIONS THAT I ALWAYS FEEL TIRED AND SAD,I CRY EVERYDAY-NITE FOR HIM I HAVE THREE OTHER KIDS I LOVE THEM THE SAME WAY BUT RITO WAS MY BABY THE WHO SHOWED ME I WAS SPECIAL AND ALWAYS TOLD ME HE LOVED ME,MY BABY WAS 6'5 AND IM ONLY 4'9 CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT HANGING ON MOMMIES SHOULDER GIVING ME KISSES ALL OVER MY FACE HE HAD THIS WONDERFUL SMILE THAT KEPT YOU GOING,I MISS DEEPLY.SO I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL YOU KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND IT WONT GET BETTER BUT ITS OK I CHANGE MY WHOLE LIFE FOR HIM CAUSE WHEN JUGDEMENT COMES FOR MOMMIE RENA I WANT TO GO HOME WITH RITO AND GIVE HIM THAT BIG HUG AND KISS ONCE AGAIN,YOU EVER NEED TO TALK WRITE ME AND I WILL BE HERE TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS AND WE WORK ON GETTING THROUGH THIS TOGETHER OK.LOV A SAD MOMMIE RENA-RITOS MOMMIE
Rena, I just can imagine that. I have to tip toe to kiss my boys they are all tall, not as tall but I'm 5'5" and my boys are about 6'2". Timmy was stockier than his brothers and he was big, like a teddy bear and I loved to hug him cause he was the best hugger! Just wrapped you up in his hugs, oh how I miss those big bear hugs of his.