I'm so sorry to read about your pain. I know all too well about the pain of losing a son. I lost my first-born son in 2011. It takes a long time, a very long time to heal. I'm still in the process. It's even worse when no one has been brought to justice for his murder. I had to move, it helped some. But, now I miss my family and friends. It's a vicious cycle. I constantly ask when will this violence against each other stop? But, it continues, day after day. When I first logged on to this message board I had to stop and regroup myself. I have to log off now. The pain is just tremendous. But I will return. I think it will help me in the long run.
Well it was two months two days ago since my beautiful son was brutally murdered. What husband and I have done the past couple weeks was to put out flyers in the area where he was murdered. I do not know if it will make a difference in finding his killer or not.
My son and I were extremely close and I do not seem to feel really that much better. Evening seem to be worse, I guess you get tired towards evening and your defenses against breaking down are diminished.
I know it will change me forever. I used to be a bleeding heart, people pleasing person before my son was taken violently. I just always thought I had to fix everything for everyone. Now I can't even fix myself, so I am no longer the person I used to be.
Every day is a struggle for me. I know nothing will ever bring him back, but if his murderer is bought to justice, then perhaps I can spare one person from going through what his step father and I are going through. Because I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
The area is small around where he was murdered, so where we left the flyers is buzzing with talk. But whether it will end with an arrest I am not sure.
The area my son was murdered is not a nice area. Grief is a strange thing, it over whelms you. I found myself asking people going into this convenience store that was so filthy, I am surprised they allowed them to sell groceries. I started asking them if they lived in this trailer park where my son was murdered and then started asking them questions. My husband says I scare him, because the grief makes me feel no fear.
But somehow it is the only thing that made me do something besides sit and stare into space like I do at home. I am 65 years old and only four foot eleven, and my husband said I seemed to scare people twice my size. I am also very thin. It is the grief, it just makes you feel no fear, it is so over whelming and so severe.
The detective that is handing his murder is very good and very compassionate. Unfortunately he had a death in his daily and has been on vacation this whole week, so I was doing something with his permission that he wasn't allowed to do. A flyer with my son's picture on it is all over that area. Now it's whether someone has enough courage to call crime stoppers. We will see I guess. Never thought the last journey of my life would be like this, it's like everything is just murky. The fog you hear about has to keep returning for me to be able to survive. I wonder if it ever improves. Thank all of you for your replies. - Susan
