To Shirley and all of the MOMS who have responded to her. I must say that, in reading your posts, for the first time I have felt some relief, some acknowledgment, some understanding. My son was murdered earlier this year. In reading everyone's posts, I realize how common my feelings,confusion, frustration, anger, and sense of mistrust are. I originally posted on MOMS months ago, and am one of the guilty ones who did not return until tonight. I guess I was just trying too hard to move forward (as recommended by well-intentioned friends)and I was not very trusting. My son's murder was still under investigation. The killers' friends had tried "friending" me on facebook, and I just didn't trust any form of social media - didn't want to do/say anything that would jeopardize the investigation.
My son is also being "blamed" for his murder. I can't get over it. He never had an aggressive bone in his body. I am so frustrated by what the suspects are saying about him and how they have twisted the facts. And we can't say a **** word in defense because the investigators won't share information with us or have sworn us to secrecy on the bits of information they have shared. The suspects were indicted, but are released on bond while my son lies in the cold dark ground - alone.
My head is a muddled mess and I feel like I'm just going through life, but not "living" like I had been prior to his death. things have changed. I have changed.
The holidays are approaching (tomorrow is Thanksgiving) and I am at a loss. I thought I could manage better. But my sleepless nights and depressed state are telling me otherwise. I am surrounded by loving, caring people, yet feel so alone in my grief. Do any of you know of anything that can make this better? A ritual, prayer, etc?