Hi ladies, it's been awhile. I've been catching up some and see so much pain and suffering new and not so new. One month from today marks Chris's death by 4 years. incredible to think of the things that have changed and the things that haven't and won't ever change.
I am so sorry for the pain we all have in common and I am sorry for the times I felt separate in my own suffering and couldn't embrace our connectedness...our broken hearts. I'm sor.ry I pulled away
I guess it was the shame I felt thinking others thought it was Chris's fault somehow because his killer was his father, still trying to protect my boy. And that would bring me to my sorrow that I couldn't protect him and the guilt I felt.
Thankfully I was guided to a very kind and compassionate therapist 8 mos after we lost Chris because the pain in my body couldn't be ignored. I had been seeing her weekly until 3 weeks ago when she became ill and was hospitalized. She's recovering thankfully but I'm now without her...just like that.
Deb introduced me to Mindfulness and Meditation which have helped me alot.
This woman has been an earth-angel, gifting me weekly therapy for the past 1 1/2 years after my mini-meltdown where I quit my job and had no more insurance. She introduced me to a Sanga(group) that meditates on knowing our own pain and how we add to our own suffering...and that by recognizing this we see how others suffer and hopefully may be of comfort to them.
This has helped me so much...I still have aways to go but if any of you ladies would like info or to talk about anything i'm here...
I know this may seem airy-fairy new agey and all but there is science behind this...check out Jon Kabat-Zinn on youtube...thinking and feeling are two very different things.
Sometimes when we feel our hearts break like it will never heal we can remember we feel our hearts open.
This really helps with the people we know and we see how they suffer but not all the time.
Before I go I would like to say how much compassion I see here and the kind hearts...remember to have compassion for yourself because we have all been hurt with a pain beyond pain.
I send you ladies so much love...and remember to breath...that's my meditation watching my breath and the thoughts that come...and then back to the breath w/o judging the thoughts...pretty simple really! But the thoughts still come, now I can choose sometimes how long I stay with them.
Just passing on some info and Love
just wanted to say I think of Chris with every breathe I take and have alot to work thru still. I struggle alot to try and move forward daily. I don't know how I would have made it without my practice and sanga. My sanga or meditation group they care without even knowing and they care about all of you...they are a very nice group who know about suffering.
Didn't want you all to think I'd come up with a cure for grief...maybe another way to look at it and maybe come to see it's an everlasting gift of love from our children...I miss Chris more than I could ever put into words but you all know. I can touch my pain in a second no problem
I am sorry for the new moms thrown on this path, Shirley said the pain will soften and she is very right...the sharpness of our loss is gentler now but we know how sharp the blade really is so touch it gently and love yourself.
Try and keep your heart open which isn't all that easy now.....
I'm glad I stopped in but it is so hard to see here how screwed up people are to kill another and how it just continues...sucks to know more grieve such a painful loss. xo