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M.O.M.S (Mothers of Murdered Sons/Daughters)
Claire, I too am so sorry to hear of your son's murder. Nobody should have to deal with this but unfortunately there are a lot of us. My daughter Keara was beaten strangled and stabbed nine times in her neck. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss her. Keara was murdered 6 1/2 years ago. As Shirley said the pain will become softer over time but I believe that we never get over this. I am sending you love and hugs.If you want to talk by phone send me your phone number and I will call you if you would like.
thank-you so much for your reply. This site & members are another life line, keeping me breathing. I know I have not hit the wall yet. I feel like if I stay in this small space with my family & never come out we will all survive. I am terrified to go back to "normal" life-mainly back to work. I am taking at least 3 more weeks off, then we'll see. I am trying to make small goals- write 5 thank-you's, do a load of wash, clean a dresser. Last night I spent a half hour just hugging his clothes. I wish they were all dirty-so they would smell like him. I have his pillow & quilt. I will never wash them.
Claire, I think it is good to take things a step at a time and if there are days you don't want to do anything that's OK. Sometimes we just have to take things a minute at a time. When Keara was murdered I also lost my job because I worked in the field of domestic violence and the powers that be decided I couldn't do the work anymore. I am alone so had no income coming in. Anyway what I wanted to say is that in a way that was a blessing because I didn't have to go back to "normal" for a long time. If you don't have to go back to work and you don't feel ready give yourself the gift of taking your time.Sending u love and hugs. Darien
My son was murdered (shot, chased down and stabbed to death by two "friends) earlier this year. I so understand your pain. I posted on MOMS, then lost my courage/strength to check back in. With the holidays pending - looming - ahead, I am caught up in a struggle that is overwhelming. Many sleepless nights, including tonight.
I, too am fresh at this - only mere months ahead of you in the process. I have no insight, no words of wisdom. Just know that you are not alone. That there are many (too many) of us who understand your pain and feel your pain. We are struggling down this unchartered path ourselves. It's a personal journey, but there is support.
Your local law enforcement and state/district attorney's office should have a "victim advocate" available for you to help you understand the unfriendly, confusing criminal justice process. They can also help link you to financial resources for funeral expenses, counseling, etc.
Prayers for you and Dillon.
thanks for your reply Dawn. I am so sorry to hear of your loss, at the hands of sub-human creatures. (animal is too good a label-animals would not do such a senseless cruel thing)
The holidays are tough. My husband & I are just whipped. Can't really sleep. We have so much to do-clean out Dillons room where he was living (with his friends), clean out his car, cancel accounts-but we don't seem to have the strength to do much.
I am already getting where I don't want to talk to people, they just don't even begin to get it. My neighbor compared my 26 yr old son's murder to her miscarriage. Now I've has a miscarriage myself, & I know it's no fun, but it's another planet from this. If people are going to say stuff like that I'd rather be alone.
I know what you mean about what people are saying - I think they mean well, but comparing a child's murder to a miscarriage certainly minimizes what we have been through (I, too, have experienced both). I find myself still avoiding my usual social situations because I'm afraid of what people will say. If they know me and they know about my son's murder, will they ask questions? Will they offer condolences? Will it upset me? If they don't know about my son's murder, will I be put in a position of telling them? How will they/I respond? Then there's that awkward position of anyone asking questions about my kids. How old are your children? 26 and.... uh ... well, my son would be 29 if the "evil ones" hadn't shot and stabbed him to death... (I refer to the killers as "the evil ones"). So, I stick to my close inner circle of friends and my family where it's safe for now.
I know clearing out your son's belongings must be painfully difficult. My son had moved back to our home state about 1 1/2 years before he was killed. He moved near his father. Which means my ex-husband had the daunting task of cleaning out his residence, etc. He boxed everything up in case I want anything. Of course, I still have a lot of his things here - I was going to send them to him when he got a bigger place. I haven't had the courage to go through any of it,though. A couple of weeks ago, I saw his car jack stands in our basement - I sat on the floor, touching them gently and crying. I did get out his two baby blankets. I put one in the casket with him and I sleep with the other one.
I am soooo sorry for what happened to Dillon. I wish no other parent had to go through what we're going through - even "the evil ones'" parents. It is an all-consuming pain that effects every aspect of our being.
The journey is such a difficult one, especially with the holidays here. It does get easier - not easy, by any means, but easier. I know that, when it comes to sentencing, we get to read a "victim impact statement" to the court. I've written about 9 of them so far (it's really just journaling, but with an added sense of purpose). If you're religious or spiritual, reading the Bible or spiritual works sometimes helps. And sometimes, I just get on the computer and go to sites like this one where there are people I can relate to. there is a group called Parents of Murdered Children (POMC) - I'm not sure if there is one near you, but you could check online. They meet regularly. I don't know what it's like - the nearest group to me is about 2 hours away, so I haven't attended.
Take good care and know that you are not alone - and Dillon is not alone. We are all in this together - us parents and our angel-children.
Lots of hugs - Tim's mom, Dawn
Dawn-thanks for your lovely reply. I am so sorry about Tim. It's so awful what these evil ones can do-and I believe that most of the time they do not care. I think when they say they are "sorry" it is only that they are sorry that they got caught.
I do have a PMOC group about an hour away, & we have gone to 1 meeting. It was rather excruciating, but my husband & I found it helpful. We also got hooked up with "Common Ground" which is a wonderful organization. They are providing us grief counseling, and they will go to court as our representatives. (We don't want to go or ever see the evil ones. Actually I will never go to Detroit-where it happened-again. That's not logical but that the way I feel) Common Ground services are all free of charge, being funded by the feds & also the perps who are levied a fine. You might want to check them out.
It's been a month now & I am calmer. But I know I still have not really absorbed the whole thing. This site, & people like you, make it more bearable.