My son was murdered on June 20, 2012.
How do I do this? How do I be the mother of a murdered child? I feel so lost. People want to help me, but there is really nothing they can do. They cannot bring my son back. They cannot assure justice for his murderers. They cannot understand the complex mix of thoughts and emotions I go through. I feel secretly obsessed - researching the people who killed him, trying to think of ways to memorialize him, scanning old photos of him, writing him letters...
I cry every night. Honestly, I am fine with that. I feel that, as his mother, I SHOULD feel pain. Lord knows he suffered more pain that any human should have to endure on the night he was killed. He was 28 years old when he had a verbal altercation with "friends" who shot him, chased him as he staggered to get help, and then stabbed him to death. The words I use are cold and harsh. Those were his last moments - cold and harsh. Those last moments are the hardest to think about, but I feel I must. He should not have gone through that pain, should not have died, alone. I should have been there. I should have helped him, held him, reassured him ... I'm his mom. Let's face it. When we adults are sick, or sad, or scared, we want our mommies. My son was taken away from me in violence. I was robbed of being there for him when he needed me the most. I should have been there.
Somehow, by imagining those moments and experiencing the pain, I feel like he wasn't alone. I feel like I can absorb his pain and take it away from him. The pain, in some strange way, makes me still feel connected to him. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I don't want to let go of it. I'm afraid to let go of it. I know one day I will have to let go of it - but not now....
I am so very sorry for your loss, my son also was shot then chased through his house by the POS, he then shot 5 more rounds through my son's bedroom door trying to hit him again. My son climbed out his bedroom window to get help. I too find myself thinking of him being alone and my not being there for him. It has been 4 years 8 months for me and now my family just can't understand that I am still in so much pain. No one except another mom going through this can understand. Everything you are feeling is normal we go through so much, the pain will soften with time but I don't think it ever goes away.
I am so sorry that you have had to join the rest of us whose children have been murdered. There isn't anything that you said or thought that I haven't also said and thought. It has been six years and 5 months since my daughter Keara was beaten, strangled and stabbed numerous times by her boyfriend. Keara was the mother of two children. There are really no words to describe the pain and horror that we feel. As Shirley said only those of us who have experienced the same thing understand. If you would like to talk by phone, send me your phone number and I will call you or send me an email and I will respond with my phone number. Sending love and hugs to you.