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M.O.M.S (Mothers of Murdered Sons/Daughters)
My 33 yr. old daughter, Brandy, was murdered in the early morning hrs. of 12-21-11. When I got the call it was 2:14 am. She was a cab driver and supposedly the guy the that shot her was intending to rob her but shot instead. She drove about a mile trying to get to the hospital before she collapsed and wrecked the cab. She was pronounced dead at 2:50 am. I already had temporary guardianship of her 10 yr. old daughter and now I have to get permnant custody of Dale because her father died when she was 16 months old now my granddaughter says she is a nothing because both parents are dead. Dale has had to go an antidepressant because she has taken her mothers death really bad. They arrested the guy that shot her on 12-24-11 and he is only 17 yrs. old. People have told me that I have no right to be mad at god because he didn't shoot my daughter. I am mad because I prayed all the way to the hospital and after we got there for god to save her. I ask and believed he would do it and I heard my granddaughter begging god to save her too. I feel like god didn't listen to any of our prayers, that he turned a deaf ear. My husband is an ordained minister but I can't talk to him because he had a stroke on 7-21-11 and he is no longer able to preach or communicate like he should. I feel like the harder I try to do what is right that i must be doing something wrong. What have I done to make god so mad at me? I want this young man to pay with his life the same way my daughter did. Am I so wrong to feel this way? I know I am suppose to forgive him but how am I suppose to forget? I would like anyones input. Maybe it will help me to deal with this horrible thing that has happened.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter Brandy. What faith I had went right out the window when my son was murdered, so don't feel bad about how you feel. I think most of us moms wanted the POS that murdered our children to pay with their lives. But I figure that is the easy way out I am glad he got 40 to life + 8 years that will give him plenty of time to think about what he did, and hopefully get his A-- kicked daily. As far as forgiving NO WAY will I ever do that. I am so sorry for your granddaughter this has to be very hard for her, I also have a 10 year old granddaughter she misses her dad very much but she still has her mom brother, sister and a step-dad.
Hugs Jim's Mom
I am so sorry for the murder of Brandy - you and I have this terrible bond in common: my son, David (18 years old), was shot in the back by his roommate with a high-powered pellet gun on December 21, 2011. He passed at 6:06 p.m. Yesterday was the 4 week mark and today is the 3 week anniversary of burying him. I know EXACTLY how you feel! I know you want her back as much as I want David back. Life is not fair - most days I don't think I can go on - when I get out of bed I sit on the couch in my pjs all day and just stare at the tv. Can't find the energy or the will to do anything. Small accomplishments for me: vacuuming the entire house at once (not large), cleaning the bathroom, and changing the sheets on my bed. Pathetic - but my reality. I know you have to be going through the same thing with this so new. I will try and be there for you and know that we share this awful date in a way we never wanted...
In my thoughts and prayers - Michelle
Thank you both for your input. I am so very sorry for your losses also. I don't know if I would want my daughter's killer to not get the death penalty because I don't think the taxpayers should provide him with a place to sleep, 3 meals a day, free medical care and free legal services. I would love to be able to make the scum suffer just like my daughter as I am sure you both want the ones that murdered young children to suffer. I am having such a hard time dealing with her death that I don't want to do things either. My granddaughter doesn't want to go to school because she thinks something is going to happen to the rest of us. When she went back after the holidays, I wasn't able to leave the school until 9:15 and had to go back at 11:30 to pick her up. The next day she stayed until 1:30 because she had an appointment with her counselor. That was on friday and over the weekend she was steady complaining of being achy and nauseated, by monday of last week I was at the pediatrian with her. Her dr. couldn't find anything physically wrong with her, said it was just grief and stress. He suggested talking to her physchologist about sending her back to school. I took her from that dr. to her physchologist and talked with her. My granddaughter had been saying she wanted to be with her mother and I was afraid she might try to do something to herself. Dr. Osburne talked with her and put her on the antidepessant and took her out of school until this past tuesday. When I took her school on Tuesday I went through the same thing I did the first day she went back except the principal kept my granddaughter while I left. She stayed all day which was good and I actually thought she would start going back to school. Then yesterday I get her on the school bus and about 30 minutes later the bus driver called me telling me Dale was throwing up on the bus and I needed to come get her. Then this morning it starts all over again, only she never made it out the door to catch the bus. I am trying to help her but I am having a hard time helping myself and her grandfather is no help. She is an only child and her aunt doesn't have any children living so she is also the only grandchild. I told her earlier that she has to go to school tomorrow so she can be around other children. I am never sure now if I am doing what is right for Dale or not. She has been upset that she couldn't go to the preliamnary hearing that was held for the young man that killed her mother because she is not 16. I have tried to explain that they probably won't let her be there until he gets sentenced. The DA's assistant has told us that they will probably let her be there when he is sented so that she can tell how she feels now to that creep. That may be the only way she gets any closure, I'm not sure. She didn't get to see her mother at the hospital because they were afraid the evidence might get contaminated and by the time my daughter's body got back fro the crime lab, her body was already swelling. We didn't get to have her ready until the day after christmas and by then she had swelled so she didn't looked like my daughter at all. We made the decision not to let Dale see her mother and to have a closed casket when we buried her the next day. Ever since then Dale has been upset with me that I saw her mother and she didn't. I have tried to explain to her why but I don't think it has done any good. Thank you all for letting me rant as it just about impossible at my house because my husband doesn't want me to say anything or cry. I have had people tell me it is because of the meds he is on plus it is because the stroke messed his brain up. I really don't know anymore. It just feels like my whole family is falling apart.
Oh Sherry, my heart goes out to you! You and Dale need to go see a counselor - people keep telling me that too and I keep putting it off, I know how that works. My daughter, David's sister, is 12 and she acts like nothing happened. She has disassociated herself from it I think, she says things sometimes that make me wonder how much she won't tell me. I am an adult and I am not dealing with this well at all, I cannot imagine what it would be like to be a child and go through this, much less the little girl of the mother that was murdered! She definately needs to talk to a professional and not just on meds - a combination of both would probably be the best - look at me give advice, if only I could listen to my own! And I cannot imagine how you don't cry or talk about this at home! Most days all I do is cry, and talk... God bless, I will be thinking of you - please vent anytime as I know I will be! My heart aches for you.
Thanks, Michelle. I have a friend who is checking into a support group for Dale. She was told they have a camp for the kids to go to also where they are around kids in the same situation. We have an in memory page on facebook for my daughter and some of her friends and family post on there how much they miss her and all. My granddaughter sees this page sometimes and my niece posted that everyone needed to post happy things not unhappy things due to that fact. She upset me for one she doesn't live here and two she isn't a dr. She acts like she knows more than Dale's dr., who said we all needed to let Dale know we were grieving right along with her. We were told if she didn't see us grieving she would think we didn't care about her mama. We were told this after the dr. talked with Dale. I hope your 12 yr. daughter opens up to you or someone. It sounds like she is blocking everything out which is not good. I am still searching for a online support group for Dale but have not found one that I like yet. My youngest daughter said she thought she was going to have to come over and say something to her dad because he has been acting like he has. Someone else told me because of the stroke his mind might not be accepting Brandy's death. I really don't know, I just know he acts like it hasn't bothered him. Sending my love to everyone on this website...Sherry
Sherry, today is our one month angel day for our children; even though it felt like last Wednesday. My thoughts are so with you today and will always be. That is hard when someone is acting like that. Concerned, ok - pushy to that point, not acceptable in my opinion. Listen to the doctors, they are professionals - listen to your friends and the people that love you too, just balance the two. I know that we have relied alot on friends - who I am sure are sick of us about now - and it has helped tremendously if for nothing else than a 3rd party opinion. I hope that you can get your granddaughter the help that she needs. I don't understand the advice though telling you not to cry in front of her. I am NO professional, and don't know a whole lot about this subject, but my gut feeling (and the way it has been around here) is that you can't hide your grief from the children. 1 - I don't think it is healthy for them to be denied the shared experience and comfort of knowing that everyone is feeling the same way and it is ok. But, I have also had days and times in which I wanted to make sure that my 12 year old is not here in the house and gets out with a good friend or two to try and have some kid fun and get out of the depressing environment. I really don't know if this has harmed or hindered her in any way - or if that is why she is behaving the way she is - or maybe that attitude is simply one of a pre-teen going on 35! I am rambling, I am sorry. Does Dale have any good friends whose parents you trust that might like to take her for a couple hours to do something fun and supervised? Is she talking to her friends or friends parents? I have found that my daughters (Alicia) friends and parents have been a large support system - they are all watching out for her, as is everyone at school, and they have contacted me if there is something they are concerned about or just to touch base. Utilize those resources if you can - it will also give you time to breathe!
Much love, Michelle
I am so very sorry about the loss of your beautiful daughter brandy. I lost my daughter also she was 27 she was also shot. She was shot 3 times twice in the face in front of her 2 children. Sherry I will not tell you how to handle this horrific loss but I will tell you that I too asked for my daughter to be ok I prayed also but I too buried my first born and only daughter. I will tell you that the Lord did help me realize one day that what the father of my daughters children did to her was something that she would not of survived. He took her face and there was total evulsion of the brain meaning the 30/30 bullets destroyed her brain. When I realized that then I knew God took her because it was best for my child! The Lord even appeared before me one day when I went to her home after she was killed he allowed me to see a vision of him holding her with a tear rolling down his left cheek he was holding my daughter. I only tell you this because I know how you feel and I want you to be be receptive when the Lord is ready to help you to understand everything. Please know I am only saying this because without the Lords help I would not of been mentally able to raise my daughters two children. We as parents to our Grandchildren have a great task ahead of us and that task takes alot of strength and understanding. I vowed that the animal that killed my Daughter would NOT destroy the rest of my family including her children. This helped me to get tuff and get the children help to get through what they witnessed. Please know you can contact me anytime and I will listen. My e-mail address is firstname.lastname@example.org I am here for you if you ever need it !
Thoughts, Love and Prayers Cindy Monica's Mom Monica Martin her picture is on this sight.
I have been through all of this with my grandchildren after they saw their mother murdered. It is soooo stressful getting them through this and you do not have time to mourn your daughter. Everything that is happening with her the vommiting, the fear of loosing you, the calls to pick them up, everything. I promise as soon as she is comfortable that you are not going anywhere her fear will subside. this is a long process but my grandchildren are still hurting but they are doing soo well. It will be 9 years April 27th and the road has been soooo rough but now we are at a point where we are a family who helps each other on bad days. Sending you Love and prayers.
There is a camp called Comfort Zone. It is wonderful. My grandchildren have gone for 5 years and they always get so much out of it.
Sherri - just wanted to check in with you and see how things are going... I know it is rough... As we share the same horrible day in our history - i wanted you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts... Yesterday was our 2 month angel day - but today is 9 weeks.... How the calender can be cruel... Some days it seems like it happened yesterday - other days it seems as though it was years ago...
Love always... Michelle (David's mom)
Michelle, I have been thinking of you and all the others but so much has been going on that I haven't any been on here. Let me see if I can bring you all at to date. Since I was last on the doctor has changed My granddaughter's adhd meds 3 times because they have seem to quit working. On Feb. 20th we went to court so that the young man that killed her could have a bond hearing. He is 17 yrs. old and when he killed her, he was listed as a ward of the state of Ga. but was a runaway because they were going to put him in a group home. His attorney had 8 out 13 people in court saying he wouldn't be a flight risk and trying to get him out on bond but under house arrest. The judge denied him a bond and he goes in front of the grand jury Mar. 19th. My granddaughter, Dale celebrated her 1st birthday without her mother on Mar. 2nd. This was one hard day to get through. The day before we took dale to the physchatrist and she told us Dale has oppositional defiant disorder. She now takes risperdone twice a day. This is really a name for bipolar to me. The doctor said they try not to label chilren with bipolar until they are 16 yrs. Dale has been having a lot of problems at school since her mama died. I am in the process of getting conseling same of Dale so that I can help her. I will try to let everyone know as things progress with her trial. Thank you all for listening yo me. I love you all.
Sherry - I am so sorry that things are still so hard with your granddaughter. I was hoping that she was doing ok - but who can... I can really not imagine what she is going through losing her mom like that... It is very strange how the gods have linked us... both our children were taken on the same day and now I see that we both have major court dates on March 19! The Pre-trial for my sons killer is March 19 and the trial is due to start on April 11... It is strange how the world works... I will obviously be thinking of you on that day as I have every day... Be strong - life sucks - but right now I am so focused on making sure that he pays for what he did that it makes it just a tad easier to get through the day. Much love to you!!!
Yes Michelle it really is. I will be thinking of you that day also. I have been crying just about everyday this week and can't seem to stop. I am having to make some decisions about my marriage along with the other that is going on. I feel like I am going crazy. My husband keeps accusing me of having a boyfriend because I get on the computer. Our youngest daughter and her husband took a trip to Indiana this week and I have been trying to stay in contact with her over facebook. Sometimes I wish I could just get away from everything for a few days too. If it wouldn't be so traumatic for Dale, I would leave her with my daughter for a couple of days and go stay with some friends. As it is whenever she goes to catch the bus in the mornings she always begs me not to leave her. Praying things get better for all of us soon.