As I am very new to this "club," (unfortunately - but please don't take that the wrong way) I cant give you any insight on how to be feeling, as I am still numb the majority of the time - I am wondering if that will ever go away.
What I can say is that my heart goes out to you, I admire your strength and your courage to plod along. I hope I can follow your direction. I am so sorry that this common bond binds us (again don't take wrong) - I still can't come to grips with that. I want so badly to touch him, to hug him, to see him smile and his eyes light up - as I know you still feel for Channey.
I am not sure how any of us can go on - I am not understanding how the world can just move on like nothing happened; like our babies weren't taken from us when they weren't supposed to be. All these children had so many plans for themselves - we had so many plans for us. The one that keeps ringing in my head is the ongoing "joke" David and I had. He would laugh and say, "Your getting up there mom, can't wait till I can put you in that old folks home! And remember, when you die I get this house!" I would then rib him back, something like, "Wrong - I am going to come live with you until I die so you can take care of me and then I'm giving the house to your brother and sister!" Even those precious memories hurt my soul. I know you, and all the other mothers out there have similar stories they can tell. It is just not fair that we have to go through this - I thought ALL my kids would be with me forever - I never in 10 million bad dreams thought anything like this would happen! I am not dealing with what is my reality now very well, and I know you are not either.