Let me begin by saying that I have never in my life posted to a message board, read quite a few, just never posted. I wish I could still say that. But after reading some of the postings on this site I feel compelled. I feel like someone out there might know what I am feeling...
The thing is, I don't know what I am feeling from one moment to the next.
My middle child, my youngest son: David Andrew Grant, age 18, was shot in the back and killed by his roommate/"friend" with a high-powered pellet gun at the apartment they had been sharing on December 21, 2011. Today is exactly 3 weeks (21 days) since I lost him. Since I last saw him alive. Since I got to tell him I loved him.
There is so much to this story and I really don't want to go on unless I know someone wants to hear - but we essentially believed that he died of a seizure and ultimate cardiac arrest as a side affect to some synthetic marijuana he smoked - only to find out some 30 hours later at 3 am from the police in our living room the true cause of his death.
I am so lost, I miss him so much, so deeply, and so terribly that I feel as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I feel as if my nerves are on edge. I feel guilty if I smile as I miss his so much. I cry sometimes for endless hours, at the drop of the hat, and sometimes - not at all. I don't understand how life can do this to us - he was a good kid, a great friend, an excellent son, I don't understand why and I don't know how to ever go on with life.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your David, we do understand everything you are going through. I don't smile much at all most of my smiles are to make others feel good. I felt guilty for being able to eat, sleep and smile. I couldn't sleep in my bed for over a year I painted the bedroom and bought a new bed and was finally able to sleep there. Everything changes in our lives and we just some how learn to live our new life.
Hugs Jim's Mom
Thank you for the thoughts. I am hoping to find someone here that can tell me something helpful. I feel guilty about everything - including the fact that I am breathing. I couldn't eat for days - lately there are some times when I eat too much now. Every cell in my body aches. Today is 14 days since I buried my baby. I just don't know how to go on. I tried to go back to work this week. I made it three hours on Tuesday and haven't been back since. I will try next week. (I only work Tues, Wed, thurs) just the fact that he used to take me to work in the morning starts that trip out with tears. How do you put your sons photo by your post. I would like to do that. I feel so terrible for all the moms I have read on here - I don't want to believe that I now "belong" to this group of people. I don't want to believe that my son was murdered. I want him back to badly.
hi michelle, im gretchen, james mom. my son too, was only 18 about to graduate high school, varsity football, varsity wrestling, a great kid, big heart. He was murdered easter morning, stabbed to death trying to help his brother when some gang bangers tried to jump him. he was stabbed to death all from behind. I am so, so sorry for your lost. What your going through is what i went through at first too. I couldn't eat, sleep, or even think without crying. I too when i went back to work, couldnt handle it cried non stop, it took me a couple of tries before i could actually make it through a whole day at work. Its been almost a year but the pain feels like it just happened yesterday, i wish i could say it gets better, or easier but it doesn't. you just eventually, get through the days because you have to, not because you want to. coming to this site and communicating with other moms helps. all the different emotions, and feelings, reactions you'll be going through someone here could relate. it helps to let you know your not completely losing it, and your definately not alone. hugs and much love sent to you, james mom gretchen p.s. im not sure how to put your sons picture with your name but if you email debbie wiley the creator of this site, she can add your sons picture to the memorial board:)
I am so sorry for the loss of your son and that you are here in this group. Something none of us ever thought would happen to us nor do we want to be here but on the other hand it is the best place to go now they we are here. Of course we want to hear about your son as you will find so many won't want to hear it because it is too hard for them but that won't ever happen here. I remember when we added Lisa's picture to the main page how hard that was: She doesn't belong here we said it was a sickening feeling but now this is the only place we truly feel we belong. Lisa was stabbed to death by her mentally unstable neighbor the day before her 19th birthday. No one understands and everyone wants us to "get over" it so they don't have to deal with it anymore after all its been over 3.5 years so than why does my heart feel like it was just yesterday? As far as your picture of David you need to have a picture of your son on line somewhere as you need the "properties" of the picture (by right clicking on the picture)and then the properties are copy/pasted in the Avatar URL section of the posting right above the Subject line. I hope this helps and if you need anything else don't hestitate to ask. That is why we are all here to help each other through this nightmare we now call life. Sending you lots of ♥ & hugs....Laura
PS...I used the properties from the article in your local paper..I hope that was okay I just wanted everyone to meet your son and to show you how it works as you can also post picture in the message section as well.
That photo you put on of my son for me was incredible! Thank you so much! It is so hard to see him on here - much less seeing him in the local and national news. He would have loved that - but not for this reason! I want him back so badly my heart is ripped out of my chest. I am trying to hard to go on for my husband and my other children - it is killing me. I will try and post more about David later today. Thank you all for listening and giving you thoughts and support!