Hi, im new to this site, my name is gretchen and my babyboy james alexander gonzalez was only 18 and a week away from graduation. he was varsity football and wrestling, he was murdered my another 18 kid that started a fight at a party with my sons older half brother and my son died trying to protect his brother. he was stabbed to death. i see a counselor, but this site helps so much more knowing that all of you understand the pain and the thoughts i have. he was murdered on 4-24-11 but it already feels like years since i'v gotten to kiss him, hold him, smell him or hear his laugh or his hugh mickey mouse smile..im lost!
Thank you! It's true even though I know others who have lost a loved one, its not the same as losing a child. I actually feel physical pain, I lose my breathe. I know nothing will ever make me fully happy. I'm just numb living life, I'm also sorry for your lost I wish no one ever had to feel this pain.
Gretchen, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. It is most unfortunate that this is the circumstance that brings us together. But it is a wonderful site. There is so much love, compassion, and concern here. I too tried to talk to counselors, but they truly did not understand. It is a comfort for me to come here. I pray that you will also find comfort. You are in my prayers and thoughts.
Gretchen, I am so sorry that you had to join this club that nobody wants to be a member of. It is so important that we have each other because we all do know the pain of losing our children to murder. My daughter Keara was beaten, strangled and stabbed to death by her boyfriend 5 years ago. I am so grateful to be able to talk to other MOMS. There is also a chatroom on this website where u can chat with others on "real" time. I try to go in on Sat. nights at 8pm eastern time. I know that Shirley also comes in at that time. We are here to support you. Sending you much love., Darien
I am sorry for your loss and glad you found moms and are showing interest in the chat we are trying to persuade more moms to come in. It is hard to find others who will truly understand what you are going through. You just need to email a picture of your son to deb wiley who is the wonderful mom who started and maintains this website with his dates.
hi Gretchen...I'm sorry to see you here to but very glad you found this site. I came across it about a year after my son Chris was shot 8 times by his father who tried to throw him to the ocean to hide his crime. I was still pretty angry and felt alone even here at first...I thought somehow Chris would still be blamed because well just because. The ladies here have been so kind, so loving and so understanding. I only hope that at times my words can return the kindness.
love to you
I am so sorry for your loss.My son Nicky was murdered 3 yrs and 3 months ago March 31st 2008.Your stage right now is both physical and mental and your heart probably feels like you are being punched in it.I lost my breath too.I didn't think I was going to survive.Those feelings for me took almost a year to control.Your James was such a part of you that you died along with him too.I'm sorry to say that I wake up with Nicky on my mind it lasts all day long and then I go to bed with Nicky on my mind,so you see they are with us 24 hrs a day,just not in the way we would like them to be with us.If you can, try to find something theraputic that will work for you.In Lois's case it was making jewelry that reminded her of Chris,in Laura's case it was opening up a second hand shop in memory of Lisa,in Shirley's case it was making tee shirts and mugs and various other things with our children's picture on them.This doesn't take the pain and sense of loss away but just helps keep their memory alive.My grandkids and my other children helped to keep me busy,but alot of times I wanted to be alone in my grief,to understand it.I prayed alot and that is what helped me the most.You will, with the help of others come to a place where you learn to live without them,(if that's what you call living) This site was very helpful to me,no one unless they lost a child to murder can really help you,it is the pain that others feel and share that helps me with my own.I remember the first time I laughed after Nicky passed and it was alright because I think it was in chat,and it was the first time I felt alive in a very long time.I wasn't ashamed because I laughed,I was sharing with others the sense of humor we passed to our children and it felt good.Try to keep busy even if you don't want to,it does help somewhat.Again I am very sorry for your loss.I'm off to court for jury selection for my sons murder.It has been way too long in seeking justice for him.I hope to be on the board more often keeping everyone posted and seeing how you are doing.Thinking of you and your precious James and sending you a great big (((((((((HUG))))))
barb, thank you so much.I too wake up thinking of james and go to sleep thinking of him, i've never felt so alone with people around me. I start thinking of everything he wont be able to do, or the shoulda , woulda, couldve, then i try and stop myself from doing that cause i know it will only drive me crazy. i hope things went well in court, can i ask you something?! i was going to court, the araignment, pretrail, but i made the decision not to go during trial, i don't think im strong enough to hear the details. what i already know haunts me all day, and i cant bear to see the pictures of my son in that way. and i know i wont be able to control myself when the defense trys and make my son look like the bad one. back to my question, when you see the person that did this to your son, do you ever feel or think about all the bad things you could to to him? thats part of why i need to stop going to court till closing arguments, i sit there and think of all the evil things i could do to him, and i dont like that part of me. thanks for listening, hugs to you too.
Oh Gretchen these kids would have been dead a zillion times if my thoughts of what I would do to them became a reality.Nothing about pre trial or any nonsense leading up to the trial really has any effect on the trial,so I would, if I had to do it all over again, choose not to be present for every one of the dates or cancellations (which you don't find out about till you get there)It's too wearing and nothing is accomplished anyway.You might want to rethink going to the actual trial though cause I'm almost certain you can work with the DA and excuse yourself when it comes time for any graphic detail.As far as controlling your emotions during court which they say we must do, well I haven't been through that part yet my kids think I'm a time bomb waiting to happen.My son had alot of pot in his house when the murder took place and they will try to make him out to be this big drug dealer I'm sure.I KNEW WHO MY SON WAS AND WHAT HE WAS ABOUT,so they will try to tarnish his name but I KNOW THE TRUTH.When that part is occuring I hope the jury is thinking hmmm MURDERER VS WEED SELLER.There is no comparison.So who is looking worse to the jury? I pray I keep it together and that God is by my side guiding me.You must do whatever it takes to survive this though and if that means not attending then go with your gut feeling.The trial won't happen right away and you will have time to decide that later.Well off to court for second day of jury selection,hope it's better than yesterday.Only 7 picked,7 more to go.Hang in there Love and God Bless
every time I see a new Mom here it is so heartbreaking...we all know this path of incredible pain and challenges you have joined us on because of someone else's choice of taking your child's life.
When I was told of my son's death I lost complete bladder control,for 5 weeks I wore a diaper and wasn't sure if it would stop...it did until 10 months later as I faced my son's killer/father as he got away with murdering my son. Now I just feel like it might happen sometimes...it's a barometer of my pain along with the bouts of depression which are so painful but do go away...thankfully. Ironically no one understands that either...they think I do it to myself I think.
Barb is so right...somehow we go on...I call it Trying to accept the unacceptable...it's so hard. How do we accept what should never have happened...I too get up every day and end with Chris on my mind...I just miss him more and more...we say no one understands our pain and that's true...but I know my boy would have been most empathetic and it just makes me feel more alone at times.
But I continue to look for the goodness and love in life as I honor the gift of being his mom...I cry for him every day...I miss him so and that I will do for the rest of my life...my happiness was very important to him so I try......
I think you know what you need to know...I understand not wanting to be part of all the details...I chose not to see my son, I couldn't...I didn't think he'd want me to...I'm glad I made that choice.
The woulda,shouldas are hard but those thoughts lessen when you start to realise we weren't given the chance because of someone else's decision to take our child's life
I'm glad you found this sight there are many good ladies that share your pain and do understand
Love sent to you and your family