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M.O.M.S (Mothers of Murdered Sons/Daughters)

 

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Lois

Lois, you know i feel i have a special bond with you because of how we both trusted, once loved, the men who killed our children so violently. I am so sorry Chris dad is free. I hope what he does just eats at him until he is nothing. Like you I now know i will never be okay again. The guilt i feel everyday, thinking of the pain she endured, how scared she was, and knowing she wanted her mommy. We will never find a reason this happened. I dont know that i have fully accepted this tragedy even after 3 years. I think of you often and hope you are doing okay. I am so sorry again that that mf-er is out.

Re: Lois

Hi April,
I'm sorry I saw your post this morning on my way to work and didn't have time then.
We do share this pain of knowing too well the monsters who murdered our children. I think of you and your Laycee often..but I am beyond words when I think of how devastating losing Laycee was for you...I think all of our children here were no match for the evil they encountered but your Laycee, a baby.
I'm so sorry April.

I know the guilt very well. 1 and 1/2 weeks before his death Chris called me, he and his father had an arguement and Chris wanted to leave Hawaii asap. I talked my boy out of it, told him his dad loved him etc. You see Chris had a last eye surgery scheduled the tuesday after he died. I just wanted him to have his surgery. The day my grandson Ezra was born Chris was basically blinded in his left eye, poked by a fern in the jungle...his life had changed. His last 5 months were hard for him but he had hope. I really hate that I talked him out of coming...it's hard to live with...I didn't know
What's worse is when I do find myself in Chris's last moments, he would have been thinking of us...it's just how he was. And what he would have thought of his father's final blow. One of our last talks Chris said he knew what he had missed in having a father like Randy, he saw how other fathers treated their sons. Chris and I said he probably didn't know any better. We made excuses for him. Now I see how naive we were.
He has expressed no remorse that I know of. Could careless about his daughter, who until he killed her brother was his "Princess" not a word from him to her after she asked "Why?" I have heard nothing since his release, don't know where he is , how he is mentally, if he's a danger to us. That's just how life is now.
But I really do enjoy the thought of every morning when my feet hit the floor that the POS will only have one foot hit the floor for the rest of his undeserved life. And he did that to himself. Saturday marks 2 1/2 years Chris has been gone
I don't think we ever accept we just live with it. Thanks for the hello, I hope you are doing okay too

Thanks for the hello April I hope you are ok too

Re: Lois

Hello April,
I have thought of you alot since this post...as I read my response I cringe...I was in the midst of a very heavy bout of depression, about 2 weeks awy from giving my 2 week notice but being in so much physical pain it became an one hour notice...that was 2 mos ago and I feel as though my energy is finally back.
If I hadn't been so caught up in my onw pain I wouldn't have used your act of kindness to start spouting my pain...because it really was sweet of you too reach out to me because we probably go to the same places in our thoughts and our pain.
Knowing our children's killers so intimately is an extra injury to our hearts and that is a bond we share...but I am so much older than you April. I think of you the same age as Chris and my Daughter who had her 1st child 5 months before her father took her brother's life with no conscience and no thought of her either.
I am so sorry that you have this so early in your life story...it's alot...Try to find the joy April...I know it's there for you still...for all of us...remember for the bad to happen good will too...it's a life balance thing! I know how sad you are...I cry everyday and I believe my tears for my son will never dry or subside much...that much love has to go somewhere.
I meant to say this awhile ago
sending you love