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Bette

IP: 216.237.180.2

Apr 3, 08 - 3:38 PM

Does anyone else feel they punish themselves?

You know it will be 9 months next Sunday when my son was murdered. I still can't believe it. But some days I find comfort on the memorial page for Timmy adding pictures and graphics and then at night I'll go to it and just stare at his pictures and listen to the songs and just sit there and cry and cry. Last night I found some music the boys downloaded and on it was Elton John's "Daniels song" and I remember Timmy burning me a cd with that song on it I know I have it somewhere, but I played it on the computer and just sat there crying. Of course I was alone, but then my 20 y/o came in and turned it off and asked me why do I listen to that if it makes me upset I said I like listening to these songs and I don't care if it makes me upset, why can't I get upset over listening to certain things? What am I not supposed to listen to certain songs that make me upset anymore, am I not supposed to pray to God and not cry that my baby is gone, or talk to him at night and ask him to be my little guardian angel and cry myself to sleep? I told my 20 y/o that i'm tired of being sad, but I am. Look at me I said, I sit home alone every night now. When I used to have kids all the time in my house. He works and then goes out, my oldest isn't around (I don't know if I told anyone but my oldest had gotten locked up during the course of his trial is when Timmy was killed) now he is locked up and can't even grieve for his baby brother who he had to ID that night, and he is so sad, he is going to a rehab, that was the whole reason as to why he is where he is right now, he had two bad accidents, one got hit by a car and had knee surgery ripped ACL, then 7 months later he put his arm thru a glass window and had to have 2 major surgeries one to repair his artery he almost bled to death, then one for his badly cut nerve so he has nerve damage in his right hand and arm, lost 20% use of his right hand, so he became terribly depressed was popping pain pills left and right and then got totally addicted to them. So I go thru the pain of talking to him or writing to him or go seeing him and waiting 4 hours for 1/2 visit, and he is so sad and depressed. I cry when I leave and I think God what did I do wrong, why did all this have to happen to my family what was it that went wrong. I tried so hard to raise my boys by myself and I know I did a good job. I worked full time the whole time they went to after school care, summer camps, etc. But our neighborhood started to get a little bad and well, now I hate living there because look what happened to my son, who was an innocent kid, never did drugs or did bad things, he just liked to hang at the house and play games or listen to music or jump on the trampoline with his friends. So yes I'm sad, and I cry all the time, I'm lucky I don't cry all thru out the whole day. I wait and hold it in until I get home, I go to his website or listen to the songs and cry because I've got to get it out of me, the pain is unbearable. Is that crazy of me? Is this wrong, am I punishing myself? There is not a second of the day I don't think of him or try and do something for him, I joined an organization that has helped me out a lot. It's mothers that are against the violence that has become so violent in our city. Coming here and talking to you moms, knowing them and you all understand where I'm coming from. why is it that I feel like I'm going crazy?? That I should avoid these things so I don't cry, but I can't. i need to look at him, I need to feel him around me, I need to talk to him. and it's painful, so very very painful. Does any of this make sense?

Lorre

IP: 207.200.116.70

Apr 3rd, 2008 - 10:16 PM

Re: Does anyone else feel they punish themselves?

Hi Bette,

I think that ALL of what you wrote makes sense. And I also believe that you're doing better than you think you are. Grieving takes a L O N G time. And not only have you lost Timmy, but your oldest boy is suffering too. My question to you is, why do you think that you are punishing yourself? It is fine to listen to songs and look at photos. Yes, it allows your feelings to flow. Is that wrong? We can't pretend all of the time that a huge part of us hasn't been taken. Sometimes we have to be able to validate our own pain. I think for males (your other boy) it is particularly hard to be around a grieving woman because there is nothing that they can do to help. Nothing. Part of what you're doing is putting this all together in your head. You need to honor your sorrow to do that. So, I feel that you make perfect sense. You're doing a lot better than I was when I was at that stage. And you're being productive in Timmy's name. I'm sure he's very proud of you. I hope that you can be too.

Love,
Lorre

TERRY{CEDRIC'S}MOM

IP: 69.153.221.50

Apr 4th, 2008 - 12:21 AM

Re: Does anyone else feel they punish themselves?

HELLO MY SISTER BETTE I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU AND ALL YOU HAVE BEEN DOING. IT HAS BEEN A YEAR NOW THAT MY ONLY SON CEDRIC HAS BEEN TAKEN AWAY FOR ME BY A NOGOOD PERSON WHO HAS EVEN MURDERED SOMEONE ELSE AFTER HE MURDERED MY BABY AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ARE WISH WAY TO GO .I AM 39YEARS OLD AND HAVE A HARD TIME GOING OUT SIDE OF MY HOUSE AND MY SISTER YOU ARE GOING TO MEETING AND TALKING TO OTHER. I AM VERY VERY PROUD OF YOU IN SOMANY WAY'S AND LIKE MY SISTER LORRE SAID YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOUR SAFE,I KNOW YOUR ANGEL TIMMY IS LOOKING DOWN WITH A VERY BIG SMILE AND YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO WITH EVER MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR KEEPING THE MEMORY OF YOUR ANGEL A LIVE AND IT'S OK TO CRY WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT. I FOR ONE FEEL THAT SOMETIME WHEN WE LOSE SOMEONE THAT IT FEEL LIKE NOONE WONT TO TALK ABOUT THEM AND WHEN YOU LOOK IT LIKE THEY NEVER WAS A PART OF THE FAMILY BECAUSE YOU DONT HEAR ANYONE SAY THERE NAMES ANYMORE AND I SAID I WAS AND WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEND WITH MY SON BECAUSE HE WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF MY LIFE AND I WILL ALWAY'S TALK ABOUT HIM AND THE HAPPNESS HE PUT IN MY LIFE AND I DON'T CARE WHO GET'S MAD AT ME. IF YOU DON'T WONT TO HEAR THEN THAT ON YOU BUT I WAS VERY PROUD OF MY SON AND HE WAS MY SUNSHINE,THE ONE PERSON THAT ALWAYS MADE ME SMILE EVEN ON THE DAYS THAT HE MAY HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO MAKE ME UPSET WITH HIM AND ALWAY WOULD MAKE ALL KIND OF FACEING WHILE I WOULD BE TELLING HIM WHAT HE SHOULD ARE SHOULDN'T HAVE DOING AND BOY THAT WOULD MAKE ME JUST LAUGHT AND LAUGHT AT HIM. OH! HOW I MISS THEM GOOD OLD DAY'S. SO MY SISTER DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO AND EVERYTHING YOU HAVE SAID MAKE SO MUCH SENSE AND I FEEL YOUR PAIN AND WE ALL UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL AND WILL KEEP YOU AND ALL MY OTHER SISTER MOMS IN MY PRAYERS AND JUST KNOW THAT WE ALL LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH...TERRY{CEDRIC'S}MOM PS. I TO FEEL I need to feel MY SON AROUND ME AND SOMETIME I DO, I NEED TO TALK TO HIM AND WISH HE COULD TALK BACK TO ME......R.I.P TO OUR ANGELS

Bette

IP: 216.237.180.2

Apr 4th, 2008 - 8:39 AM

Re: Does anyone else feel they punish themselves?

Thank you Lorre and Terry. I knew you guys would understand where I'm coming from. It hurts me to hear people say you shouldn't cry or why do you do this to yourself. I'm not doing anything to myself. I want to do this because I miss him so much, is that wrong? I cry in the car, I listen to rap music, me, rap music LOL, I find cd's that Timmy burnt and has his little "clover" signs on them and I'll listen to them in the car and sometimes I cry so hard. It makes me feel like he is there with me. And I was talking to my oldest son last night, that poor kid, he punishes himself every day because of this, he thinks if he wasn't friends with this guy and Timmy still be alive because he let him stay and crash at our house when he was fighting with his g/f (he lived with them) and he was trying to move out of there, and oldest was doing pain pills and he said to me if I wasn't doing those pills maybe I'd had a clearer head and wouldn't have become friends with him and this never would have happened. So much in my life is ruined because of those pills. I said see how much you've come so far, Timmy would be so proud of you, that you have come to grips that pills have made a bad impact on your life. But you cannot blame yourself for this, not ever. The guy wasn't a bad guy, he wasn't into gangs or anything, maybe he sold the pills, I don't know, but he didn't deserve to die that way no matter what, not like he was some big time drug dealer or anything or maybe I was just blind. Oldest said they were out back going over the lawn mowing equipment cause this other guy took the kids in the neighborhood with him so they could earn some money mowing lawns and stuff, Timmy was going to go with him. He said next thing he looked out back and they were gone. Thought they might have went over to another kids house cause on hot summer nights everyone sits out on their porches and stuff in the neighborhood. All they did was walk to the store to get snacks, and never made it home. I told him how could he blame himself, just because he knew this guy, the person who pulled the trigger is the one to blame. No matter what, who, why, or anything will not change things oh how i wish they would, but this boy punishes himself every day, every night he has nightmares and he has no one to help him. I cried when I got off the phone with him, I cried so hard and begged God to let Timmy go to his brother and let him know it wasn't his fault, he didn't cause this. here I am crying again, I think what's hitting me harder too is that next Sunday will be 9 months, 9 months I carried him and now 9 months he's been gone. God bless you all and thanks for being there.

Author	Comment
Bette IP: 216.237.180.2 Apr 3, 08 - 3:38 PM	Does anyone else feel they punish themselves? You know it will be 9 months next Sunday when my son was murdered. I still can't believe it. But some days I find comfort on the memorial page for Timmy adding pictures and graphics and then at night I'll go to it and just stare at his pictures and listen to the songs and just sit there and cry and cry. Last night I found some music the boys downloaded and on it was Elton John's "Daniels song" and I remember Timmy burning me a cd with that song on it I know I have it somewhere, but I played it on the computer and just sat there crying. Of course I was alone, but then my 20 y/o came in and turned it off and asked me why do I listen to that if it makes me upset I said I like listening to these songs and I don't care if it makes me upset, why can't I get upset over listening to certain things? What am I not supposed to listen to certain songs that make me upset anymore, am I not supposed to pray to God and not cry that my baby is gone, or talk to him at night and ask him to be my little guardian angel and cry myself to sleep? I told my 20 y/o that i'm tired of being sad, but I am. Look at me I said, I sit home alone every night now. When I used to have kids all the time in my house. He works and then goes out, my oldest isn't around (I don't know if I told anyone but my oldest had gotten locked up during the course of his trial is when Timmy was killed) now he is locked up and can't even grieve for his baby brother who he had to ID that night, and he is so sad, he is going to a rehab, that was the whole reason as to why he is where he is right now, he had two bad accidents, one got hit by a car and had knee surgery ripped ACL, then 7 months later he put his arm thru a glass window and had to have 2 major surgeries one to repair his artery he almost bled to death, then one for his badly cut nerve so he has nerve damage in his right hand and arm, lost 20% use of his right hand, so he became terribly depressed was popping pain pills left and right and then got totally addicted to them. So I go thru the pain of talking to him or writing to him or go seeing him and waiting 4 hours for 1/2 visit, and he is so sad and depressed. I cry when I leave and I think God what did I do wrong, why did all this have to happen to my family what was it that went wrong. I tried so hard to raise my boys by myself and I know I did a good job. I worked full time the whole time they went to after school care, summer camps, etc. But our neighborhood started to get a little bad and well, now I hate living there because look what happened to my son, who was an innocent kid, never did drugs or did bad things, he just liked to hang at the house and play games or listen to music or jump on the trampoline with his friends. So yes I'm sad, and I cry all the time, I'm lucky I don't cry all thru out the whole day. I wait and hold it in until I get home, I go to his website or listen to the songs and cry because I've got to get it out of me, the pain is unbearable. Is that crazy of me? Is this wrong, am I punishing myself? There is not a second of the day I don't think of him or try and do something for him, I joined an organization that has helped me out a lot. It's mothers that are against the violence that has become so violent in our city. Coming here and talking to you moms, knowing them and you all understand where I'm coming from. why is it that I feel like I'm going crazy?? That I should avoid these things so I don't cry, but I can't. i need to look at him, I need to feel him around me, I need to talk to him. and it's painful, so very very painful. Does any of this make sense? Email: baclark91@aol.com Website: http://timmy-clark.memory-of.com/
Lorre IP: 207.200.116.70 Apr 3rd, 2008 - 10:16 PM	Re: Does anyone else feel they punish themselves? Hi Bette, I think that ALL of what you wrote makes sense. And I also believe that you're doing better than you think you are. Grieving takes a L O N G time. And not only have you lost Timmy, but your oldest boy is suffering too. My question to you is, why do you think that you are punishing yourself? It is fine to listen to songs and look at photos. Yes, it allows your feelings to flow. Is that wrong? We can't pretend all of the time that a huge part of us hasn't been taken. Sometimes we have to be able to validate our own pain. I think for males (your other boy) it is particularly hard to be around a grieving woman because there is nothing that they can do to help. Nothing. Part of what you're doing is putting this all together in your head. You need to honor your sorrow to do that. So, I feel that you make perfect sense. You're doing a lot better than I was when I was at that stage. And you're being productive in Timmy's name. I'm sure he's very proud of you. I hope that you can be too. Love, Lorre Email: Lorresmf@aol.com Website: http://www.taelor-marks.memory-of.com
TERRY{CEDRIC'S}MOM IP: 69.153.221.50 Apr 4th, 2008 - 12:21 AM	Re: Does anyone else feel they punish themselves? HELLO MY SISTER BETTE I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU AND ALL YOU HAVE BEEN DOING. IT HAS BEEN A YEAR NOW THAT MY ONLY SON CEDRIC HAS BEEN TAKEN AWAY FOR ME BY A NOGOOD PERSON WHO HAS EVEN MURDERED SOMEONE ELSE AFTER HE MURDERED MY BABY AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ARE WISH WAY TO GO .I AM 39YEARS OLD AND HAVE A HARD TIME GOING OUT SIDE OF MY HOUSE AND MY SISTER YOU ARE GOING TO MEETING AND TALKING TO OTHER. I AM VERY VERY PROUD OF YOU IN SOMANY WAY'S AND LIKE MY SISTER LORRE SAID YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOUR SAFE,I KNOW YOUR ANGEL TIMMY IS LOOKING DOWN WITH A VERY BIG SMILE AND YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO WITH EVER MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR KEEPING THE MEMORY OF YOUR ANGEL A LIVE AND IT'S OK TO CRY WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT. I FOR ONE FEEL THAT SOMETIME WHEN WE LOSE SOMEONE THAT IT FEEL LIKE NOONE WONT TO TALK ABOUT THEM AND WHEN YOU LOOK IT LIKE THEY NEVER WAS A PART OF THE FAMILY BECAUSE YOU DONT HEAR ANYONE SAY THERE NAMES ANYMORE AND I SAID I WAS AND WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEND WITH MY SON BECAUSE HE WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF MY LIFE AND I WILL ALWAY'S TALK ABOUT HIM AND THE HAPPNESS HE PUT IN MY LIFE AND I DON'T CARE WHO GET'S MAD AT ME. IF YOU DON'T WONT TO HEAR THEN THAT ON YOU BUT I WAS VERY PROUD OF MY SON AND HE WAS MY SUNSHINE,THE ONE PERSON THAT ALWAYS MADE ME SMILE EVEN ON THE DAYS THAT HE MAY HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO MAKE ME UPSET WITH HIM AND ALWAY WOULD MAKE ALL KIND OF FACEING WHILE I WOULD BE TELLING HIM WHAT HE SHOULD ARE SHOULDN'T HAVE DOING AND BOY THAT WOULD MAKE ME JUST LAUGHT AND LAUGHT AT HIM. OH! HOW I MISS THEM GOOD OLD DAY'S. SO MY SISTER DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO AND EVERYTHING YOU HAVE SAID MAKE SO MUCH SENSE AND I FEEL YOUR PAIN AND WE ALL UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL AND WILL KEEP YOU AND ALL MY OTHER SISTER MOMS IN MY PRAYERS AND JUST KNOW THAT WE ALL LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH...TERRY{CEDRIC'S}MOM PS. I TO FEEL I need to feel MY SON AROUND ME AND SOMETIME I DO, I NEED TO TALK TO HIM AND WISH HE COULD TALK BACK TO ME......R.I.P TO OUR ANGELS Email: TERRYJOHNSON137@AOL.COM
Bette IP: 216.237.180.2 Apr 4th, 2008 - 8:39 AM	Re: Does anyone else feel they punish themselves? Thank you Lorre and Terry. I knew you guys would understand where I'm coming from. It hurts me to hear people say you shouldn't cry or why do you do this to yourself. I'm not doing anything to myself. I want to do this because I miss him so much, is that wrong? I cry in the car, I listen to rap music, me, rap music LOL, I find cd's that Timmy burnt and has his little "clover" signs on them and I'll listen to them in the car and sometimes I cry so hard. It makes me feel like he is there with me. And I was talking to my oldest son last night, that poor kid, he punishes himself every day because of this, he thinks if he wasn't friends with this guy and Timmy still be alive because he let him stay and crash at our house when he was fighting with his g/f (he lived with them) and he was trying to move out of there, and oldest was doing pain pills and he said to me if I wasn't doing those pills maybe I'd had a clearer head and wouldn't have become friends with him and this never would have happened. So much in my life is ruined because of those pills. I said see how much you've come so far, Timmy would be so proud of you, that you have come to grips that pills have made a bad impact on your life. But you cannot blame yourself for this, not ever. The guy wasn't a bad guy, he wasn't into gangs or anything, maybe he sold the pills, I don't know, but he didn't deserve to die that way no matter what, not like he was some big time drug dealer or anything or maybe I was just blind. Oldest said they were out back going over the lawn mowing equipment cause this other guy took the kids in the neighborhood with him so they could earn some money mowing lawns and stuff, Timmy was going to go with him. He said next thing he looked out back and they were gone. Thought they might have went over to another kids house cause on hot summer nights everyone sits out on their porches and stuff in the neighborhood. All they did was walk to the store to get snacks, and never made it home. I told him how could he blame himself, just because he knew this guy, the person who pulled the trigger is the one to blame. No matter what, who, why, or anything will not change things oh how i wish they would, but this boy punishes himself every day, every night he has nightmares and he has no one to help him. I cried when I got off the phone with him, I cried so hard and begged God to let Timmy go to his brother and let him know it wasn't his fault, he didn't cause this. here I am crying again, I think what's hitting me harder too is that next Sunday will be 9 months, 9 months I carried him and now 9 months he's been gone. God bless you all and thanks for being there. Email: baclark91@aol.com Website: http://timmy-clark.memory-of.com/