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Yvonne (Joshua Underwood's mom)
 IP: 64.12.116.12 Apr 2, 08 - 8:34 AM |
Does it EVER get any easier?
Hi Moms, I survived another birthday without Josh, and another of Joshua's birthdays. I thought this year would be easier,,it was more difficult. Three long weeks of darkness, just when I thought I was learning to "adapt". It is a crushing blow. I have scratched my way up off of the floor,,up to my knees, and was nearly standing, then this grief kicks pummels you back down to the floor. There are days when the sun does shine in my soul, so I suppose that is moving forward some? It seems in some ways to be more difficult as time passes, I think maybe because everyone expects you to be "over it"? Two years and four months, a few pieces of my fragmented spirit are healed. But I still find that I dont know who I am, and am searching desperately to find a way to put my life back together. Do you all feel the same? I am thinking that the way I feel must be "normal" in a very abnormal situation. Thank you for listening, and I am sorry for not being more supportive for the last year. I fell off the face of the earth after the trial. I think that is when I realized he wasnt ever coming back. May you find peace today, Yvonne |
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Frances,,,Jr\'s mom
IP: 66.214.69.63 Apr 2nd, 2008 - 10:33 AM |
Re: Does it EVER get any easier?
Yvonne, I wanted to reply to your normal...our counselor told us that now we had to live a new normal not the old normal with Jr, but the new normal without him...So don't beat yourself up so much,,the new normal is not easy, or does it give us any kind of happiness, it just lets us survive. I keep telling myself it has to get easier and yet 13 months after this horrible night, it hasn't...My daughter called me yesterday crying asking "When is it going to get easier, Mom?" I only replied "Never!" Only because it hasn't gotten easier, I even find myself having worst days,,,I go 1-2 days of being a little normal, and then a wave comes over me and I realize I can't see him, or hold his face, or tell him "****, Jr clean up your mess!" Or hear his laughter, or see his smile and I have 5 days of bad... And yes we all feel the same! Hugs and prayers Frances Jr's mom |
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jackie Tommy's momma
IP: 204.73.103.253 Apr 2nd, 2008 - 3:07 PM |
Re: Does it EVER get any easier?
Hello Yvonne, I feel you,and all you are going through, it will be 4 years this June for me and I have to say I find myself thinking about Tommy more everyday lately, I even find myself day dreaming about him, if it's raining I'll set and imagine him coming home and me fixing him some hot soup and making him warm and safe, when I'm driving into town( about a 25 min. drive) I daydream, I see him on the road and I stop and take him with me ,my mind lets me carry on long conversations with him,then I snap out of it and pull over because,I feel like I'm losing my mind, so I cry for him,I crumble and break down, just like you cry for Joshua, I don't know that the aching for him in my heart will ever stop or that I want it to, but God is merciful and time has lessened the number of days I spend on the floor,or out of my mind with grief. Yvonne, I too am searching for myself and my sanity on a lot day's and than like you said, the sun shines down on our spirit, and we find peace for a time, we can rest, because the Lord knows how broken we are. Time won't change that but faith and prayer will . my love to you and my prayers will be said for Joshua.......Jackie ( Tommy's Momma) |
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Lorre
IP: 207.200.116.70 Apr 2nd, 2008 - 8:23 PM |
Re: Does it EVER get any easier?
I love what you wrote Jackie. It is so beautiful, and so true. I am 7 years into this journey. The days that you are joy filled do increase, ever so slowly. It is so hard to be redefined after years of raising a child. It IS hard to figure out who you are. I think I am still working on that one! And yes, I still frequently think, "I cannot believe that this happened". I think I'll always feel that way. What I do find is that I am better when I am productive. I have been working as an educational assistant for the all-day kindergarteners at a Christian school. It has blessed me to be able to share their days with them. And also to work with a compassionate staff who understands that I am on this grief journey. I feel priveleged to be able to nurture these little souls. One day I hope they look back and fondly remember me. And I hope that they are allowed to grow into their potential. You girls all hang in there. Yvonne, I think you are doing well. I haven't had a trial yet and get freaked out even thinking about it. Hopefully I will be strong enough to withstand it. You have, so I believe that you are stronger than you think! Love, Lorre |
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Angie-Eugene's Mom
IP: 70.162.67.202 Apr 2nd, 2008 - 9:21 PM |
Re: Does it EVER get any easier?
When you said that you don't know who you are and that you are searching desperately to find a way to put your life back together, that is exactly how I feel. I feel bewildered, lost, empty and alone. I feel like an alien in an unfamiliar and inhospitable land. I want to yell,"Stop the world and let me off!" I want to stop where my son stopped and stay there forever. I too was told that I have to learn how to live this new life without my son. "What? How?" I have been trying hard to do that. I just started a new job Monday. I have not worked since August of last year. I quit my job because I could not go to work and pretend like nothing had happened to me. I was an ugly person for awhile. A long while. Now that the holidays are over and I survived his first birthday without him, I feel like I can get up from the floor and try to move on as best as I can. But I am so dreading next month and so afraid because the 6th of May will be a year that I have not seen or heard my sons voice. Like you said, just when you thought you were learing to adapt that damm grief comes and knocks you to the floor again. And then I will get up again and try to adapt again and then the trial will come and here I will go to the floor again. There are no set boudaries between one stage of grief and another. But deal with them we must. One is never the same after the loss of our child, but we can learn to laugh again in between the tears, and we can find hope for tomorrow. May God bring you some peace and comfort Yvonne. Take care and God Bless You. |
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Frances,,,Jr's mom
IP: 66.214.69.63 Apr 3rd, 2008 - 1:40 PM |
Re: Does it EVER get any easier?
Jackie,,,I thought I was the only one that did that and I didn't want to say anything thinking that I am going crazy,,,I carry on conversations with him, when I am driving I even look over at him sitting in the passanger seat, thinking are you really there or is my wanting so badly. I hadn't said anything about talking to him as though he were still here, I can actually see him standing at Anthony's baseball games with his chest all swollen with pride watching him hit the ball, I start crying and wonder to my self "What is going on?" Is it wishfully thinking, or just my mind wanting to know he's there watching. I don't really know but, I do understand... Frances Jr's mom |
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Kay mom of Joshua Delaney
IP: 165.236.97.1 Apr 3rd, 2008 - 4:22 PM |
Re: Does it EVER get any easier?
MOMs, I don't know that it EVER gets any easier, just we get better at pushing our emotions down and not showing our true feelings to others, especially those who could never understand. I had to laugh when Frances said she talks to her son in the car, I was not laughing at you just chuckling to myself because I do the same thing. I ask questions and I believe he answers me then I think I am nuts that I am just talking to myself. Telling myself what I want to hear. The the 'voice' says 'No Momma it's really me'. So the only thing I can tell you is that I know I am certifiable in my craziness and that is okay. I am still working and functioning at some level. There are days when I go on break and cry, I go to my car at lunch and cry listening to my CD's. I cry on the way home. I go to his website and look at his pictures and cry some more. I recently read somewhere that in the bible it says that a grieving mother is unconsolable. That says alot to me. Please don't think you are the only 'crazy one', because if you are crazy then I am completely off my rocker and bonkers to boot (smile)I know how you feel, my Joshua was so special to me and it hurts so bad sometimes I can't breathe. I rant and rave and then speak some kind of pyscho-babble and I feel better for it.............till the next day. Let your grief out and as long as you are not hurting anyone else or yourself then what is wrong with that? ps I have been knocked thru the floor into the subbasement. Made my way back up to the main level just to be knocked all the way down again. I do continue to put one foot in front of the other and just see how far I get on any given day. I pray that some sort of peace come to you and yours and all the MOMs here. Kay |
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Yvonne (Joshua Underwood\\'s mom)
IP: 64.12.116.12 Apr 4th, 2008 - 9:03 AM |
Re: Does it EVER get any easier?
Moms, I smiled when I read that you guys talk to your children too, and "imagine" them interacting with you. I do that,,sometimes it is real,,other times I think it is that we know our children so well, that we know what their responses would be, and we hear them "respond". I still ask Josh what to do when there is a problem with Chloe (his daughter), or a problem with one of his brothers. I still ask him to PLEASE help Jeremy, or talk to Jeremy. (he was a big help with raising Jeremy,,he was four years Jeremy's senior) I remember a few months ago,,sitting on my back deck, crying,,trying to figure out if I was doing a good job with Chloe or not,,(this was real),,Josh said to me, "Vonnie",it cant be perfect all of the time. Josh called me Vonnie, my nickname. That time it was real, it did not come from inside my imagination. Can you guys sometimes tell the difference? Does this question make any sense? Love, Yvonne Joshie's mom |
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Cindy Eller
IP: 204.181.51.85 Apr 4th, 2008 - 10:18 PM |
Re: Does it EVER get any easier?
No it does not get easier ?I have found that the challenges are different but the pain is always there. I sit here tonight 24 days away from the 5th year anniversary of my daughters murder a total mess. We are raising her children and there are days that I wonder if I am strong enough to do this or if I am really the best person to raise them. My granddaughter is 11 and she has been barely tolerable the last few days. I pray to God every day to give my husband and I the strength, knowledge, the ability, the health and the patience to raise these children and boy is it taking everything I have lately. I just keep my faith that someday we will rest. Love and prayers Monica's Mom Cindy |
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Yvonne (Joshua Underwood\\'s mom)
IP: 205.188.116.12 Apr 5th, 2008 - 6:56 AM |
Re: Does it EVER get any easier?
(((((((((((Cindy))))))))))) I DO THE SAME THING! Sometimes I know I am doing a good job, but others,,,I am not so sure. I am tired ALL the time, and sometimes dont feel like playing with her,,I dont take her as many places as I should, or I get aggravated with her and raise my voice to her. (not often, but it does happen) I have NEVER been a yelling mother,,, I NEVER was. If I raised my voice with my boys,, they would all disappear,,knowing the crap was going to hit the fan! lol,,its funny now , thinking back. It is VERY hard, to take on this job for any grandparent,,it is HARDER than HARD when doing it after your child was murdered. Then,,,,,,,,,the added bonus, when raising them, you are ROBBED of the gift that is being a grandparent. I LOVED being Chloe's grandmother! Most of that relationship is gone, because I have to be the "parent". It a very confusing role. Your natural instict is to respond as a grandmother, the situation requires that you dont. I hardly ever second guessed myself when raising my boys. I constantly do with Chloe. Do you do that? My therapist said it IS because of the conflicting roles. I am a grandmother, but I am not. For the first year after Joshua died,I was just babysitting,,still being the grandparent. Its like i woke up one day, and realized the enormity of the new responsibility I had and freaked out. I too ask God and Josh to PLEASE give me the strenth to do this. There are many times when I am just not sure I am doing things the "right" way. I try to not look too much into the future, because it totally overwhelms me. But then again, I HAVE to plan for the future, am I going to be able to raise her on the income I have now? AND,,I AM A SINGLE PARENT AGAIN. I raised the boys with VERY little consistent help,,and here I am again. Cindy,,I too question myself. Sometimes, A LOT. It does take one heck of a dedicated mother to raise their deceased child's children. Pat yourself on the back, you deserve it! Love, Yvonne |
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