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| Viewing Page 1 of 1 (Total Posts: 11) |
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MICHELLE BROWN
 IP: 70.134.205.56 Mar 11, 08 - 4:26 PM |
I AM SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL!!
HELLO MOM'S,TODAY IS A BAD DAY,I AM SO LOSS,SO BITTER,SO ANGRY,I JUST WANT MY SON BACK,AS THE TEAR'S FALL FROM MY FACE AS I TRY TO WRITE THIS,I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANY MORE,I AM SCARE,I HAVE BECOME SO ANGRY,SOME SAY I AM MEAN NOW,AM I A MONSTER NOW?I JUST WANT TO STAY INSIDE AND SHUT THE WORLD OUT,I DON'T WANT TO SEE THE PUBLIC,IT MAKES ME SICK,MY JOB IS DRIVING ME CRAZY,PEOPLE ALWAY'S COMPLAING ABOUT EVERY THING,MEAN PEOPLE,ATTITUDES,I AM FED UP!!I AM HURTING EACH DAY,I PUT ON A FAKE SMILE JUST TO GET THROUGH THE DAY,WHEN I CAN SCREAMED AND CRY MY EYE'S OUT,MOM'S THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER,I TRY TO HELP OTHER'S AND SAY SOMETHING TO HELP THEM,BUT LORD WHY CAN I HELP MY SELF,I AM A MESS,DO I LOVE ME?NO!!!!I REALLY DON'T GIVE A DAM ANY MORE,MY THOUGHT'S ARE LOSS,I DON'T KNOW KNOW IF I AM COMING OR GOING,JUST NEED TO FIND MY SELF AGAIN,MY BABY WOULD HAVE BEEN 17 YEAR'S OLD IN MAY OF THIS YEAR,NO GRANDCHILDREN,NO GIRLFRIEND,NO NOTHING,NOT FARE,NO JUSTICE,THESE FOOL'S MAKE ME SICK,I CAN JUST KILL THEM MY SELF,LORD HELP ME,JUST NEEDED TO VENT,TONY'S-MOM!! |
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Cindy Eller
IP: 204.181.51.85 Mar 11th, 2008 - 4:49 PM |
Re: I AM SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL!!
Michelle, when I felt like you do now I had to take a good look at my attitude about Antidepressants. I felt like a volcano about to burst.Everyone around me ******* and moaning about small stuff I had to walk away before I said look idiots has your child's face been taken from them, has your child been taken from you forever so brutally that you dream about your child picturing everything that was done to them. Then one day I totally lost it and had to see a Dr. He prescribed something for the immediate trembling and something that would take a few weeks to tell any difference then he gave me something to sleep. This was my turning point I finally was able to sleep and able to think clearer and the days got a LITTLE easier to make it through. I still have no patience for people who whine about little things but I have learned how to live with the pain that I know will be with me until the good lord takes me home to be with my daughter. I am praying for you and feel free to write if you want. Much in prayer Cindy Monica's Mom |
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Angie-Eugene's Mom
IP: 70.190.217.121 Mar 11th, 2008 - 5:20 PM |
Re: I AM SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL!!
Michelle, There are days when I feel just like you do now. Most of us rely on maintaining some form of control in our lives. Whether we control ourselves, others, or the environment, control is the means we use to keep our world in order. When we lose a child, we feel as if there is no stability anywhere. Worse, we lose all faith in people, things, and places. We feel as infants must, with no control over anything. We have only anger. Grief is a regressive phenomenon. The many losses incurred in one death catapult us back into early childhood. Our helpessness at feeling so out of control causes enormous anger.Let go and allow a Higher Power to take control, you can be amazed at how quickly anger is dispelled. Your inner child is relieved of major external responsibilities, You are free to take care of yourself. My heart and prayes are with you always Michelle. Please take care of yourself. God Bless You. Sending you a big {{{Hug}}} |
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jackie Tommy's momma
IP: 204.73.103.253 Mar 11th, 2008 - 6:18 PM |
Re: I AM SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL!!
Michelle, I just want to say everything you are feeling is valid and fair, I think every mother on this site,has been there, out of control, feeling so much anger, hate and bitterness, we question our own sanity, Cindy is right see a doctor as soon as possible, you need rest and something to calm your nerve's, it makes a difference, it will help, you lost a whole part of yourself as we did, your heart is literally broken that can't be fixed but but meds. and time will ease the pain,and help make it possible to control your thoughts, we are here with you,we know how it feels to want to go out and kill someone when you think about how one evil B*****d turned your life inside out, I went through the same thing Michelle, my son Tommy was taken from me , shot to death by people he knew and trusted, he was my beautiful and loving child, no one has been arrested for taking his life, becuse there is not enough evidents, talk about anger? I totally feel your pain, we have to go on , until the Lord says enough! we can help ourselves and have faith that God will take care of Tony, Tommy, and all our son's and daughters who were taken to soon, God will also lighten this awful burden if you trust him, I'll pray for you and Tony, please get something to help you through this painful time.......Love to you ...Jackie (Tommy's Momma) |
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Frances, Jr's mom
IP: 66.214.69.63 Mar 11th, 2008 - 7:36 PM |
Re: I AM SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL!!
Michelle There is no shame in seeing a doctor for depression, and girl you definetly need one, you are not alone in your pain and suffering, I think I can say for all of us we have all been there and still reside there daily. I understand the bitterness, the anger, and the stupid things people say sometime just agravate you even more, trust me I am so tired of hearing "you need to move on", my heart goes out to you in this time of extreme need, but I too also take antidepressents for my uncontrolable crying and sobbing, the Dr actually told me that I need to move on because my husband is a good man and he needs me more that my son needs me now. She also said that the pain that I feel in my heart is actually my heart breaking from the pain of lossing my child, she also said that people have been known to die from broken hearts, so I really need to more on because Ruben Sr. needs me. Can you imagine.... Oh well, my husband understand my grief, and he even tells people when they are saying things that you don't understand my pain for my son is hard and deep, but she carried that baby for 9 months and took care of his every need as a child, She is the one he called for when he fell, or got hurt, she is the one that would sit with him into the wee hours of morning because he was sick. So Michelle if no one understand then the hell with them, and remember you have us. |
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Darien Russell, Keara\\'s Mom
IP: 4.88.118.132 Mar 11th, 2008 - 10:18 PM |
Re: I AM SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL!!
Michelle, I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I have never taken antidepressants in my life but after Keara's murder almost two years a go I decided I needed to in order to try to live with this nightmare. I thought about getting off them but as it gets closer to the 2nd anniverary of Keara's murder I feel myself going back into a downward spiral. I also occasionally take something for anxiety. I have decided there is no shame in it and it doesn't prevent me from grieving. It just helps to deal with the feelings without totally losing my mind. Sometimes we really need help to manage all the trauma , grief and horror that is part of having your child murdered.I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Just know that you are not alone and that there are people who understand and care for you. We have to try to hold each other up. Love, Darien Keara's Mom |
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joann hubert\'s mom
IP: 69.31.156.48 Mar 11th, 2008 - 10:32 PM |
Re: I AM SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL!!
HI,MICHELLE YOU ARE A STRONG WOMAN YOU HELP ME THRU SO MUCH ,I KNOW YOU WILL PULL THRU THIS ,I AM FIGHTING THIS.TO I TOLD MY MOTHER I NEED HELP, I FEEL HELPLESS,HOPELESS, SOMETIMES I JUST CRY AN CAN't stop.so loss,you will make it we are here for you you can count on us,we all know how you feel i am praying for you my sis, love joann-hubert-mom ,ps. i am a phone call a way.love you , |
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Lorre
IP: 207.200.116.70 Mar 12th, 2008 - 9:43 AM |
Re: I AM SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL!!
Dearest Michelle, First, we love you and we feel you. Girl, this is no easy journey! Regular people do NOT understand, but we do. Please take a moment to breath in our love and breath out some stress... What every MOM before me said is true. I know that my doctor put me on meds because she explained what this kind of trauma does to your brain and how it changes the chemistry so you need something to balance it. We weren't built for this kind of stress. Meds aren't magic, you still get depressed, but it controls the out of control feelings thankfully! It's bad enough to feel sad, let alone feel psychotic! I too take anxiety meds. I think, no, I KNOW I'd be on the clock tower if I didn't. And yes, people will always complain about trivial things. They have NO idea what real complaints there are to be made. Still, I can always think of someone that has it worse than me so I have a hard time complaining too much. But there are days when I am just sad. I think that's normal. Then I come here and I am reminded of my fellow MOMS strength by their wisdom and their love. You all are amazing women. This world is evil and wrong, but one day we WILL be with our babies togather in a world that isn't. Amen! Love, Lorre |
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Frances, Jr's mom
IP: 66.214.69.63 Mar 12th, 2008 - 10:03 AM |
Re: I AM SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL!!
Lorre, something that you said always makes me think that I am being selfish to be so sad or complain so much is that "there is always someone else who has it worst," I was telling my husband how (sorry can't remember names only things that I have read) about the mom who's childs murderer only got 2 years, or the ones where they still don't have the animal in custody, or not enough evidence, so many things make me think "What am I complaining about?" I also take meds for anxiety attacks/panic attacks. Saturday my husband went to Pomona for a car swap meet and it is the first time I have had to be in the house alone without him since Jr's death, I thought I was dieing, I almost got on the phone and called him about 3 in the morning because I couldn't relax, But I thought oh I can do this unfortunately I didn't sleep all night long, but when he got home sunday evening I told him what had happened and he told me why didn't I call him. Oh well **** if you do **** if you don't. and Michelle you hang in there and go see a Dr. one that you trust and that can help you. Like the other mom's said stress and all that you are under, does make a chemical imbalance in our brains that can trigger severe depression, or anxiety attacks, but you hang in there and remember I know that we are not there physically to hug you and make you safe but you are in our thoughts always. Hugs and prayers Frances, (Jr's mom) |
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Bette
IP: 216.237.180.2 Mar 12th, 2008 - 10:24 AM |
Re: I AM SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL!!
Michelle, I truly understand how you feel. They still have not caught Timmy's killer. I can't stand it, I just feel like I'm losing my mind, and fake it thru the day. I try and stay busy just so I don't cry all the time. I'm tired, Idon't sleep well. I wish I knew the words to help you, but know you are not alone. There are days that I wish I could just give up and go sit in a corner and just stay there, but I have 2 other boys to worry about and I don't want me to fall apart, which is very hard right now not to, because I don't want them to fall apart. You are in my prayers please try and stay strong. It's ok to be angry, we have every right to be angry. |
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PAT-RICKYS MOM
IP: 64.130.158.65 Mar 13th, 2008 - 1:05 PM |
Re: I AM SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL!!
OOOOOHHHH MICHELLE I AM SOOOO SORRY THAT WE ALL MOMS ON HERE HAVE ALL THESE FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS GOING ON SOOO MANY THINGS HAPPENING ALL AT ONCE AND IT MAKES US FEEL CRAZY BUT YES YOU NEED TO HELP YOURSELF AND GO SEE A DOCTOR SO YOU CAN GET SOME MEDS THAT WILL HELP YOU OUR MINDS AND BODIES GET WORN DOWN WITH SOOO MUCH GOING ON AND WE REACH A POINT WHERE WE NEED HELP,THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.WE HAVE TO BE STRONG WHEN OUR BODIES ARE SOOO WEAK SO "PLEASE" GO SEE A DOCTOR AND YOU WILL START TO HEAL ALONG WITH TIME, I'M NOT SAYING IT WILL GET EASY IT WILL JUST HELP YOUR OVER WORKED MIND AND OVER TRIED BODY TO HELP YOU GO ON DAY BY DAY....MICHELLE I LOVE YOU GIRL YOU ARE SOOOO STRONG I DON'T WRITE MUCH BUT I DO COME HERE DAILY AND GO TO DIFFERENT ANGELS WEB PAGES AND I ALWAYS SEE YOUR COMFORTING WORDS TO ALL MOMS...YOU ARE AMAZING AND YOU HANG IN THERE AND GO TO THE DOCTOR...IF YOU NEED ME YOU KNOW I AM HERE....LOVE YOU HUGS AND PRAYERS.....PAT-RICKYS MOM |
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