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Frances (Ruben's mom)

IP: 71.102.179.167

Mar 10, 08 - 11:14 AM

Just thinking out loud...

Some days I will just be sitting in the living room with my daughter and family, wait let me start another way, every moment of the day I think of him, I remember things constantley things I haven't thought of for years, I'll be sitting and all of a sudden I say what I am thinking, my daughter informed me that family and people are tired of me talking about him, that sometimes the stories I tell are not even relevant to what they are talking about so she wants me to stop doing it. I try not to talk about him so much infront of other people including family members, when I am having a bad moment I won't even call a relative anymore because they just tell me "You need to move on, you need to get on with your life, you need to get rid of all the things that remind you of him, maybe you shouldn't go to the cemetary so often (3-4 times a week), you have a daughter that needs you, we don't like seeing you so sad". Well I am sorry, if I miss him I am sorry that some animal took my precious son from me, I am sorry that I cry remembering how I use to look into those eyes of his and see myself (like I was the world to him), I am sorry I am sad, I am sorry that I can't stand the pain anymore, I AM SORRY!!!!! I sometimes don't understand what I am suppose to feel, or think, or even if what I am going through is real, I wish so much that I could wake up from this horrible nightmare and he would walk into the house and yell out MOM,,,but reality is he's not going to, and for that I am sorry. I am sorry that I took that precious life for granted and never told him how much I truly loved him or how proud I was to be his mom, I would always end my phone calls with him "I love you, and make good choices son" the night he was killed he actually called me about 5:30 and the last words out of my mouth was "I love you, and make good choices son", he answered with, "love you too mom, and you know me!" and then at 8:17 this animal took his life. Now that I have vented and cried to the monitor screen, I am sorry for being so bitter, or what ever I am feeling, I know they all mean well, and they just don't understand because they still have all their children. Sometimes I just can't express myself with any other emotion besides bitterness or anger, because I am angry that animals like "Miguel Aparicos" exist in this world, that justice sucks, that his brother and friend are walking free, when they were in the truck waiting for my son, they knew what was going to happen and they didn't try to stop this horrible thing, I am angry because shooters family walk around town all proud,with there chest out and chins up, because their son was a "MAN" he took a gun and shot a defensive man, in the back of the head when he was getting out of the car, not even looking at him, not even giving him a chance to defend himself, then not once because "he was afraid", but 5 times, afraid of my son even though sunday before the murder he BBQ'd with my son and a bunch of friend. I am sorry I will try and write later I am so angry and the only way I show angry is to cry and yell at the walls.
I am sorry to vent for so long.

Cindy Monica's Mom

IP: 69.77.132.11

Mar 10th, 2008 - 12:12 PM

Re: Just thinking out loud...

Frances,

You do not need to be sorry for grieving for your child. You do NOT owe an apology to anyone. Remember unless the people who give you that type of advice has suffered the loss of a child at the hands of an animal they do not know what pain it is. I have always been told that you need to surround yourself with people who know your pain and not only allow you to grieve but help you to grieve.You are surrounded by others who do know your pain and will be here for you no matter what. Few people understand what we do here so grieve for your dear sweet Ruben and you are among friends.

Much Love and Prayers

Cindy Monica's Mom

Vickie Springer/Andre's mom

IP: 12.218.106.240

Mar 10th, 2008 - 12:55 PM

Re: Just thinking out loud...

Frances,I know how you feel my son told me the other day that he is tired of being around me that all I do is cry all day.I try to get it all out before anyone gets home yet there always seems to be tears in my eyes when they get home.They don't understand.How could they.No one but another mom could ever understand!My family also tells me thats all I talk about!He's all I can think about!All I want to do is cry I spend so much time trying to hold back tears.My friend who is a minister and was Andre's GOD mother told me"it is ok to grieve,but you are wallowing in it".I don't even know how she could say that.Why do poeple make us feel like we should be saying we are sorry for the way we feel and how we react?The animals that killed our babies r the only ones that should be saying they are sorry!It's just to hard to try to "pretend" and act like you are ok when you aren't.I wish I knew what to tell you but, I don't.I go through this everyday too.We here at MOMS want to hear the stories of your beautiful son Ruben!!GOD bless you Frances and don't ever be soory for how you feel and 4 missing your baby!

joann hubert's mom

IP: 69.31.156.48

Mar 10th, 2008 - 6:26 PM

Re: Just thinking out loud...

yes frances you do not have to say your sorry too know one,vickie an cindy say it all .we need to tell the world about our children, so thay can understand.what we are going thru,it is an endless pain that will never heal,my prayers are with you all love my sisters mom,joann-hubert-mom

Suzanne Anderson

IP: 76.252.167.87

Mar 10th, 2008 - 8:44 PM

Re: Just thinking out loud...

Suzanne/Regina' mom
No one knows!!!!!!!!!!The physical pain!!!!!!!!!!
Smells make you feel. Sounds make you feel. Your breath is taken from you like someone hit you in your back. Years go by and the pain does not go away, you only can cover it better because people don't understand the sensations of these smells, sounds, etc.. I remember my Dad saying all the war movies can never be real because the smell of battle or after a battle can never be duplicated. Yes all parents of murdered children have post traumatic syndrome. The thing that kills me is even my mother doesn't understand these sensations. But, again, she didn't have the police come to the door and tell her things like one told me. Feel what you have to feel or you deny your own children. Close your eyes and feel them.

Angie-Eugene's Mom

IP: 70.190.217.121

Mar 11th, 2008 - 1:38 AM

Re: Just thinking out loud...

Hi Frances,
Is there a website that I can go to to see your son? The way you talk about your son reminds me of me and my son. My Gene was my world. I have two daughters also but my Gene was my oldest. He was 34 when he was murdered. I had him when I was 15 years old, so we grew up together. :-) He was my best friend, my soulmate. I miss my mijo so much. That's all I do all day is think about him. I talk about him alot to. The last two years we spent alot of time together. He was living with me when this happened. He had moved from Tucson so he did not really have any friends to hang out with so him and I used to go and have some beers together, we would go to concerts, ball games, we both loved to dance. I read what you had done for Rubens birthday and I did the same thing for Gene's. His kids came up from Tucson and some of my family. We had a barbecue because that was what Gene loved to do. Then we wrote on gray and black balloons ( his favorite team was the Raiders) and we let them go. Then we had cake and ice cream. I had everybody bring a gift for him and those gifts I gave to the homeless shelter in memory of him. His first year is comming up. I have this big event planned for him. I know that some of the family is going to say, "She needs to let him go now." I hate when they say that! I don't care what anybody says and thinks. Screw them! I cry everyday for my son. I can't listen to certain stations on the radio. Especially the old school station. I don't go out anymore. I just feel so lost without him. I too am trying to make sense as to why this ******* took my sons life. He says he did not even know my son. Oh, Frances there is just so much to say. I can go on and on. I just want to tell you that you should not have to apologize for the way you are feeling. You have the right to be angry. My heart and prayers are with you. Take care and God Bless You.

Author	Comment
Frances (Ruben's mom) IP: 71.102.179.167 Mar 10, 08 - 11:14 AM	Just thinking out loud... Some days I will just be sitting in the living room with my daughter and family, wait let me start another way, every moment of the day I think of him, I remember things constantley things I haven't thought of for years, I'll be sitting and all of a sudden I say what I am thinking, my daughter informed me that family and people are tired of me talking about him, that sometimes the stories I tell are not even relevant to what they are talking about so she wants me to stop doing it. I try not to talk about him so much infront of other people including family members, when I am having a bad moment I won't even call a relative anymore because they just tell me "You need to move on, you need to get on with your life, you need to get rid of all the things that remind you of him, maybe you shouldn't go to the cemetary so often (3-4 times a week), you have a daughter that needs you, we don't like seeing you so sad". Well I am sorry, if I miss him I am sorry that some animal took my precious son from me, I am sorry that I cry remembering how I use to look into those eyes of his and see myself (like I was the world to him), I am sorry I am sad, I am sorry that I can't stand the pain anymore, I AM SORRY!!!!! I sometimes don't understand what I am suppose to feel, or think, or even if what I am going through is real, I wish so much that I could wake up from this horrible nightmare and he would walk into the house and yell out MOM,,,but reality is he's not going to, and for that I am sorry. I am sorry that I took that precious life for granted and never told him how much I truly loved him or how proud I was to be his mom, I would always end my phone calls with him "I love you, and make good choices son" the night he was killed he actually called me about 5:30 and the last words out of my mouth was "I love you, and make good choices son", he answered with, "love you too mom, and you know me!" and then at 8:17 this animal took his life. Now that I have vented and cried to the monitor screen, I am sorry for being so bitter, or what ever I am feeling, I know they all mean well, and they just don't understand because they still have all their children. Sometimes I just can't express myself with any other emotion besides bitterness or anger, because I am angry that animals like "Miguel Aparicos" exist in this world, that justice sucks, that his brother and friend are walking free, when they were in the truck waiting for my son, they knew what was going to happen and they didn't try to stop this horrible thing, I am angry because shooters family walk around town all proud,with there chest out and chins up, because their son was a "MAN" he took a gun and shot a defensive man, in the back of the head when he was getting out of the car, not even looking at him, not even giving him a chance to defend himself, then not once because "he was afraid", but 5 times, afraid of my son even though sunday before the murder he BBQ'd with my son and a bunch of friend. I am sorry I will try and write later I am so angry and the only way I show angry is to cry and yell at the walls. I am sorry to vent for so long. Email: gammyfba@yahoo.com
Cindy Monica's Mom IP: 69.77.132.11 Mar 10th, 2008 - 12:12 PM	Re: Just thinking out loud... Frances, You do not need to be sorry for grieving for your child. You do NOT owe an apology to anyone. Remember unless the people who give you that type of advice has suffered the loss of a child at the hands of an animal they do not know what pain it is. I have always been told that you need to surround yourself with people who know your pain and not only allow you to grieve but help you to grieve.You are surrounded by others who do know your pain and will be here for you no matter what. Few people understand what we do here so grieve for your dear sweet Ruben and you are among friends. Much Love and Prayers Cindy Monica's Mom Email: ellerbcj@skybest.com
Vickie Springer/Andre's mom IP: 12.218.106.240 Mar 10th, 2008 - 12:55 PM	Re: Just thinking out loud... Frances,I know how you feel my son told me the other day that he is tired of being around me that all I do is cry all day.I try to get it all out before anyone gets home yet there always seems to be tears in my eyes when they get home.They don't understand.How could they.No one but another mom could ever understand!My family also tells me thats all I talk about!He's all I can think about!All I want to do is cry I spend so much time trying to hold back tears.My friend who is a minister and was Andre's GOD mother told me"it is ok to grieve,but you are wallowing in it".I don't even know how she could say that.Why do poeple make us feel like we should be saying we are sorry for the way we feel and how we react?The animals that killed our babies r the only ones that should be saying they are sorry!It's just to hard to try to "pretend" and act like you are ok when you aren't.I wish I knew what to tell you but, I don't.I go through this everyday too.We here at MOMS want to hear the stories of your beautiful son Ruben!!GOD bless you Frances and don't ever be soory for how you feel and 4 missing your baby! Email: vickie_springer@yahoo.com Website: http://andrethomas.memory-of.com
joann hubert's mom IP: 69.31.156.48 Mar 10th, 2008 - 6:26 PM	Re: Just thinking out loud... yes frances you do not have to say your sorry too know one,vickie an cindy say it all .we need to tell the world about our children, so thay can understand.what we are going thru,it is an endless pain that will never heal,my prayers are with you all love my sisters mom,joann-hubert-mom Email: joann64ellsworth@aol.com
Suzanne Anderson IP: 76.252.167.87 Mar 10th, 2008 - 8:44 PM	Re: Just thinking out loud... Suzanne/Regina' mom No one knows!!!!!!!!!!The physical pain!!!!!!!!!! Smells make you feel. Sounds make you feel. Your breath is taken from you like someone hit you in your back. Years go by and the pain does not go away, you only can cover it better because people don't understand the sensations of these smells, sounds, etc.. I remember my Dad saying all the war movies can never be real because the smell of battle or after a battle can never be duplicated. Yes all parents of murdered children have post traumatic syndrome. The thing that kills me is even my mother doesn't understand these sensations. But, again, she didn't have the police come to the door and tell her things like one told me. Feel what you have to feel or you deny your own children. Close your eyes and feel them. Email: catdoglady@yahoo.com
Angie-Eugene's Mom IP: 70.190.217.121 Mar 11th, 2008 - 1:38 AM	Re: Just thinking out loud... Hi Frances, Is there a website that I can go to to see your son? The way you talk about your son reminds me of me and my son. My Gene was my world. I have two daughters also but my Gene was my oldest. He was 34 when he was murdered. I had him when I was 15 years old, so we grew up together. :-) He was my best friend, my soulmate. I miss my mijo so much. That's all I do all day is think about him. I talk about him alot to. The last two years we spent alot of time together. He was living with me when this happened. He had moved from Tucson so he did not really have any friends to hang out with so him and I used to go and have some beers together, we would go to concerts, ball games, we both loved to dance. I read what you had done for Rubens birthday and I did the same thing for Gene's. His kids came up from Tucson and some of my family. We had a barbecue because that was what Gene loved to do. Then we wrote on gray and black balloons ( his favorite team was the Raiders) and we let them go. Then we had cake and ice cream. I had everybody bring a gift for him and those gifts I gave to the homeless shelter in memory of him. His first year is comming up. I have this big event planned for him. I know that some of the family is going to say, "She needs to let him go now." I hate when they say that! I don't care what anybody says and thinks. Screw them! I cry everyday for my son. I can't listen to certain stations on the radio. Especially the old school station. I don't go out anymore. I just feel so lost without him. I too am trying to make sense as to why this ***** took my sons life. He says he did not even know my son. Oh, Frances there is just so much to say. I can go on and on. I just want to tell you that you should not have to apologize for the way you are feeling. You have the right to be angry. My heart and prayers are with you. Take care and God Bless You. Email: aasaucedo@cox.net Website:** http://eugene-patino.memory-of.com