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| Viewing Page 1 of 1 (Total Posts: 10) |
| Author | Comment |
MICHELLE BROWN
 IP: 70.132.142.83 Feb 19, 08 - 7:42 PM |
A BREAK DOWN!!
HELLO MOM'S I NEED TO VENT,I HAVE NOT BEEN MY SELF LATELY,I HAVE BEEN SO BITTER,SO ANGRY AT TIMES THAT I AM A WALKING BOMB,I AM SCARE I WILL GO OFF ON THE WRONG ONE IF I AM RUB THE WRONG WAY,I AM SEPARATING FROM MY HUSBAND,UNTIL I CAN GET A DIVORCE,MY HUSBAND IS ON DRUG'S SO BAD,WHERE HE NEVER HAS ANY TIME FOR ME AND MY BOY'S,HE STAY'S A FOR WEEK'S AND MONTH'S COME BACK LOOKING A MESS,NO MONEY NO NOTHING,I BEEN TAKING CARE OF EVERYTHING FOR MONTH'S NOW,THE STRESS IS SO OVER BEARING THAT I CAN SCREAM AT NIGHT I AM SO WORN OUT THAT I CRY MY SELF TO SLEEP,I ASK GOD WHY SO MUCH PAIN,I LOSS MY HOME,MY MOM,MY BABY,NOW MY MARRIAGE IS FULL OF LIE'S DRUG'S,ANGER,WHY?I WANT TO RUN AWAY,THE MENTAL PART OF THIS SH***IS DRIVING ME TO HAVE A BREAK DOWN,MOM'S I CAN'T GIVE UP,MY TWO OTHER BOY'S NEED ME,I JUST WANT TO BE ALONG,I DESERVE BETTER,MY ANNIVERSARY WAS ON VALENTINE'S DAY,MARRIED 5 YEAR'S OF PAIN,WHEN TONY DIED HE NEVER SUPPORTED ME,HE LEFT WHEN TONY DIED AND GOT HIGH,NOW I ASK MY SELF WHY I HUNG THIS LONG,I CAN'T ANY MORE IT'S HURTING MY BOY'S AND ME,I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANY MORE,I BEEN IN DARKNESS FOR A WHILE NOW,I NEED LIGHT,SO SCARE I CAN'T DO THIS ANY MORE,TONY DEATH HAS REALLY CHANGE ME,I FEEL SO LOSS SO CONFUSED,SO TORN DOWN,MY BODY HURT'S SO BAD OF THE STRESS!I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!MICHELLE-TONY'S-MOM! |
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Kay mom of Joshua Delaney
IP: 75.70.88.218 Feb 19th, 2008 - 8:18 PM |
Re: A BREAK DOWN!!
Hi Michelle, I am so sorry to hear that on top of everything else you have no support from your husband. I have been a single parent for 20 years now and I don't know any other way except to do it myself. What I can tell you is that when I split from my ex I suddenly had peace of mind. Something in our 13 years of marriage I never had before. It was so wonderful. No I had not planned on being a single mom of three,but woops there it is! God blessed me with a decent job to take care of all our needs and most of our wants. The feeling that took over me when I left was so wonderful. I could EXHALE. The anger will subside some when you have freedom to breathe and think by yourself. Take some time if possible to figure out what is best for you and your boys. You deserve the best and to pamper yourself after suffering the loss of your son Tony. Scream and shout if you need to, but let it out, don't hold all this inside yourself. I often remind myself that life is full of adversity and I just keep putting one foot in front of the other like I have taught my children no matter how far back I get knocked. Michelle you are a wonderful,beautiful mom and noone can take that away from you. Think if this was YOUR child going through all this what your advice would be and then take that advice yourself. You are a survivor. Let Tony be your strength! love and hugs Kay |
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Michele J. Miller Mom
IP: 24.207.175.10 Feb 20th, 2008 - 5:22 AM |
Re: A BREAK DOWN!!
Michelle I know what you are saying,, My son Raymund was killed 9/25/07 Ray was my only child and i truly miss him we had a special relationship..Raymund and my husband nephew were together the morning my son was killed my husband nephew has not called me and told me anything that happened that night,, I left my husband in May of 2007 because it seemed his friends came before me,, so i know what you are saying but do not let it get the best of you for you are a strong woman and you have other children to look after and they need you. Sometimes i feel like i am living this night mare and when i wake up everything will be okay but i know that is not the case ,, my son Ray will never be with me,, but i feel he is watching over me..I cry by myself no support from my husband,, after all Raymund was not his child,,but Ray was my all and all and i mean no one understands how it is to lose a child to murder unless you walk in my shoes,,I think my husband think i should be able to move on like nothing has happened but that is not the case..Not only am i dealing with the lose of Raymund but i am the caretaker of dad that is 91 years old and blind,, and trust me elderly parents are a hand full,, I do not sleep good at night,, i have to cry to myself because my dad forgets that his grandson is not with us any more sometimes my dad calls for my son and i tell him Ray is not here..Ray was there for me with his granddad so now it is all on me but i have a wonderful nephew that has stepped in to take care of his granddad so with all that has happened in my life life is good and with the blessing of God I will make it through the storm,,Michelle i will keep you in my prayers... I come to this site to vent and talk with some of the moms as they know the pain i am going through,, I have to be strong for my 4 grand kids so a part of Raymund is still with me,, |
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MICHELLE BROWN
IP: 70.136.54.70 Feb 20th, 2008 - 8:14 AM |
Re: A BREAK DOWN!!
thank you ms.kay and michele,i am trying so hard to fight this pain,my husband want leave and go get help,he slep outside my door,when my boy's went to school he was laying at the door,i am so fed up,he does not want help,i can hurt him,i can't understand why is this all on me,i just need some pease,lord help please,thank you mom's for the advice!tony's-mom-michelle |
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Vickie Springer/Andre\\'s mom
IP: 12.218.106.240 Feb 20th, 2008 - 10:45 AM |
Re: A BREAK DOWN!!
Michelle,I can honestly say I know how you feel.My ex-husband that I was with for 11 years was a drug addict so I know what it is like to live that life wanting so badly for them to be there for you and help you through the pain yet all they can do is be there for the drugs,lie after lie.I know it all.I traded my drug addict in for an alcholic (not any better)now I've been with him for five years and had two more babies.Now I have six.I wish I could share so words of wisdom but I have none.Just know I know and share alot of the same pain you feel .we have been through more pain than anyone deserves to bare we lost our sons that should have been enough.Believe me when I say you and your children are in my thoughts and prayers.Please feel free to e-mail me if you need an understanding shoulder!GOD bless you!! |
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Angie-Eugene's Mom
IP: 70.190.217.121 Feb 20th, 2008 - 3:25 PM |
Re: A BREAK DOWN!!
Michelle, I have no words to say but I just want you to know that I will be praying for you. Don't give up. Because God created you in His image, you are of great worth to Him, He can lift your load instantly if you let Him. Cast all your cares on the Lord. He is not only a God of power and wisdom, He's a God of love. His love matches His creative power, so you can trust Him with everything. God will help you. He knows you better than anyone; He knows what goes on inside your heart and mind. Trust in Him to help you break free from the chains that bind you. "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall" (Psalm 55:22). Lord, I cannot understand why You care so much for me, but today I give you my emotions, actions, reactions, and attitudes. I take these burdens off my own back and place them in Your arms. Transform my life, Jesus. Amen. |
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Darien Russell, Keara's Mom
IP: 4.88.118.144 Feb 21st, 2008 - 12:32 AM |
Re: A BREAK DOWN!!
Michel, I feel that I must be the blind trying to lead the blind but i want you to know that I understand your feeling of hopelessness,of feeling so overwhelmed thatyou don't feel you hae the strenght or will to go on. You want the nightmare to br over and it isn't. Since Keara was murdered I lost my job,have had my back operated on twice, lost my ex-fiance, my uncle and my brother in law. I was able to get disability but it is not enough to paythe bills so i have had to find part time jobs to try to make ends meet. I keep the heat way down in my house way down and am freezing. I am afraid I will lose my house. I have no medical ins. and won't be eligible until next oct. There have been so many nights that I prayed to god to just let me go to sleep ad not wake up but that hasn't happened. I try to brlieve that someday things wil feel better but I'm not there yet.All I feel I can do is put one foot in front of the other. and maybe someday I will feel better. I just don't know. I have been divorced for a long time and it is so hard to go through this alone. Feelfree to contact me if you woul like to call. My 3 is 919-837-2205 or cell 919-799-9321. Love you. Darien |
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Bette
IP: 216.237.180.2 Feb 21st, 2008 - 9:13 AM |
Re: A BREAK DOWN!!
Michele, You are a strong woman and a wonderful person and mom. Have faith in yourself, you've been pratically doing it alone for many years, so you don't need the toxicity in your life anymore, he is only going to make things worse for you. I think you will be better off without him in it. I went thru this with my ex, I raised my 3 boys by myself and it was hard but he was an alcoholic and they were better without him in it, he just brought more drama into their lives they just didn't need. When my Timmy died, their dad never even calls them to see how they are doing, my oldest son is now locked up for something that happened right before Timmy died and he doesn't even call me to see how he is making out, he is 22 y/o his birthday was just the 19th and he is amess. He is a good guy, good heart, but he messed up taking drugs himself and got into afight with some friendof his who stole from us a few years ago and he pressed charges on my son. I let this kid in my home because he said his mom's b/f was a crack head and he beat him, so my son says stay here for a few days and he did and he repaid us by robbing us taking brand new PS2, new games, paddles, memory card and all. That's a great friend huh, so my son was hurt really bad by this, but he shouldn't have done what he did because he was so high on drugs and he saw this kid and beat him up for robbing us. Now he is paying the price locked up, he had no record ever, but he got into drugs and after Timmy was killed he got worse. I'm hoping they will send him to rehab for some of his time because that's where he needs to be. My life has been so upside down after my baby was killed, now my son locked up, but you gotta stay strong, for your other kids. You can do it, have faith in God sometimes you just give it to him and say God I can't handle this anymore, just help me and lead me in the right direction. and he will. You ever need to talk always know we are here for you, you can e-mail me anytime. Life is hard, I know, there are days I wish I could just go away but I know I can't. I'm not going to ever let my son Timmy die in vain, I will fight for him and keep his name alive. Join something that maybe you can do for your son, keep on living in his name and spirit, live for him so others can remember him to, and never let them forget. Live for your baby and God will guide you. This is how I try to get thru my days, I know some days it doesn't do it, but some days it does. |
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Beverly D. Leah\\\\\'s mom
IP: 98.160.153.193 Feb 22nd, 2008 - 12:50 AM |
Re: A BREAK DOWN!!
Michelle....I know this isnt much, but just know one thing, you are loved, Tony is watching over you, and he is always with you. Try to grab some strenght from above, from God, from him to keep going on for yourself and the other kids. They are always there, I know it's easy to say, but it's all I have. |
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Yvonne (Josh Underwoods' mom)
IP: 205.188.116.12 Feb 22nd, 2008 - 6:57 AM |
Re: A BREAK DOWN!!
Hi Michelle, The chaos after a child is murdered seems to never end. A person would think that maybe we might catch a break? But it seems that alot of times our lives just spiral out of control. After all, losing a child to homicide IS the worst thing that can happen to anyone. I know how badly you are hurting, all of the moms here do. You are not alone. Come here and scream and cry WHENEVER you need to. Remember, your love for your son will be the strength that keeps you going, no matter what is going on in your life. I started therapy five months ago. I had no time or energy to do ANYTHING for myself until then. I am raising my Joshua's daughter, have had her since the night he was murdered. My middle son Jeremy was with Josh when he was killed, I am sure you can imagine what hell that boy has endured for the last two years. I wasnt sure he was going to stay alive for a long time. And I still have doubts even now, with his fragile emotional state. My point is,,with all of the sickening aftermath of losing a child to homicide,,you have to MANDATE it to YOURSELF to NURTURE yourself in some way. YOU deserve some sort of happiness and peace in your life. It has taken me two years to realize that. You are loved, Yvonne |
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