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Bette
 IP: 216.237.180.2 Feb 11, 08 - 9:25 AM |
My Bad WEEK
I've been feeling it coming for over a week now. This week, another terrible week to over come. First Sunday, was my mom's 23 years anniversary of her death, she was only 58 y/o. I went to the cemetary to put some Happy Valentine's Day stuff on Timmy's grave, he doesn't have his headstone yet, they have to wait until Spring. But I'm so upset, they took all his flowers (there was a bunch of plastic flowers that lined the top of his grave), my American Flag I had placed there, teddy bears that were left by his friends. The only thing they didn't take was a statue of the Blessed Mother. It was baron and empty and on top of that the dirt is caving in, like 2 inches in. I was so upset. So I placed my Valentine Day stuff, and then realized after I left I hadn't done anything for my mom and it was her anniversay when I went on Sunday. Now this wee is my sister's birthday, then Timmy's 7 months on the 13th. Already 7 months, and I remember how last year, he was real sick and was in St. Christopher's hospital and I'm almost positive that he had his surgery on his throat on the 13th. I remember so clearly, he was in a lot of pain and they had him on IV antibiotics, and morphine. I stayed with him to whole time, 3 days, and we had one of those really bad ice storms. So after his surgery I wanted to go home and shower and get changed and it took me over a half hour just to do half of my back window on my car the ice was almost 1/2 inch deep. I still have the teddy bear they gave him, they give out toys on holidays since it's a childrens hospital, of course he didn't want it, being a teenage boy LOL, but I took it anyway. Now I sleep with it every night. I just think, God just last year at this same time, we were together, even though he was so sick he was a trooper. I took 4 days off from work to stay with him. Now, look at me. He is gone and I'm a mess. This week is going to be bad, I feel it, I'm tearing up now. I can't imagine myself saying the same thing of my son as I did with my mom, 23 years, or how many each passing day, week, or month is killing me inside, but then soon it will be years. I can't stand this, I wish I could change everything and have my baby back I miss him so much I can't stand it. |
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Angie-Eugene's Mom
IP: 70.190.217.121 Feb 11th, 2008 - 12:46 PM |
Re: My Bad WEEK
Oh God Bette, I truly understand what you are feeling. I just got back yesterday from visiting my son's gravesite. See, he is buried in Tucson where he grew up. It is about an hour and half drive from where I live in Chandler. I went yesterday to decorate his gravesite and also my mothers for Valentines Day. In July it will be 10 years for my mother.It is so hard for me when I go. I never imagined that I was going to go and have to visit my son at a gravesite. My mom when she passed I was prepared for it. I miss her too dearly. My son I was him the night before he got shot. I left him to come home and he never made it home. It takes such a toll on me and I am no good for a couple of days afterwards. I can't stop crying. I cry all the way home and I am crying right now. I am a mess the next day. I just lie around all day because I don't want to see, talk or be around anybody. In my room on top of my dresser I have a Valentine basket that Gene gave me last year. I never opened it. I look at it and I just cry. I miss him so much. On May it will be a year. When I think about it my heart stops for an instant and I just scream inside. I just can't believe that it is alreay almost a year that I have not touched, heard or seen my beautiful boy. I feel like I am slowly dying inside. I miss him so much. The pain and loneliness is just too much. |
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Bette
IP: 216.237.180.2 Feb 11th, 2008 - 3:25 PM |
Re: My Bad WEEK
Oh Angie, I know. It's just terrible. I can't imagine the year, and the years to come, I just can't. The pain is terrible, so unbearable sometimes. People always tell me how strong I am, I fake it a lot. I try to get involved in things in honor of him, keep his name alive in my own way. I still fight trying to find who did this. No answers, it eats me up no one knows anything. He died along with my oldest sons friend, just walking home from the store. he was my buddy, I cry when I write about him, it hurts to bad. I guess we all need to stick together when it gets rough like this so we know someone understands what we are going thru. God Bless. Bette |
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deb (dwaynesmum)
IP: 121.220.97.204 Feb 13th, 2008 - 12:40 AM |
Re: My Bad WEEK
dear bette and angie,i know exactly what u mean,i feel every thing u are feeling,my heart is truly broken,if i think that im never going to see my baby again my heart to stops,i feel like i cant take a breath this is the hardest thing we could ever go through,it sucks,i want my son back! on the 18th of this month we will be in court for the trial they have down graded the charge from murder to manslaughter because thats what the animal pleaded guilty to,so the prosecution decided to go with that,i am gutted this animal will get a slap on the wrist,i cant even bring myself to attend,bette i cannot fathom how u must feel not even knowing who killed yr boy,it is beyond belief.. i love u and please no u are both in my prayers and thoughts always as is all the mums on this site.lots of love deb(dwaynesmum) |
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Bette
IP: 205.188.116.12 Feb 13th, 2008 - 11:25 AM |
Re: My Bad WEEK
Oh, thanks really! today is hard day, 7 months, it's just unfathomable. I miss him so much. Everything about him. I'm trying to keep it together, I had to take my one son to get his wisdom tooth pulled and it was a bad pull, impacted bony pull so he is going to be hurting. My other son's birthday is coming up on the 19th, just so much, so many memories. Last year we were in the hospital, and the weather was bad just like it is now (a lot worse last year) but still, it just seems so unreal to me. the pain of not knowing does eat at you because it could be anyone, someone in the store standing next to you, etc. but I feel for all you moms going through court processes and not having the right justice down on behalf of your children. I wonder sometimes if maybe it's better not to go thru that, God's wrath is way worse than man's, so I feel this person(s) is suffering God's wrath each and every breath he (they) take. God Bless. Bette |
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