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Yvonne (Josh Underwood's mom)
 IP: 64.12.116.12 Nov 21, 07 - 6:57 AM |
Been a long time
Hi Moms, It has been many months since I have been here. Dont really know why, except that maybe I have been in "denial" (I hate that word) about Joshua's death. After the trial in February, and the sentencing in April(murderer got maximum sentence minus two years),,I have been in a wierd place. First three or four months after the trial, I was just crazy. A functioning not right in the head person. I really didnt completely understand that Josh wasnt coming back until after the trial. I guess that is when the fog of the trauma really started to lift. I still cannot believe it is true, and he will be passed over two years on Monday(datewise,,daywise it is the night after Thanksgiving)Two years is about equal to two months as compared to a natural death,,it seems. THIS never ends,,there are days when I feel some muted happiness,,but THIS is always there. I suppose you wait for it to be over,,and then comes the awful moment when you realize it NEVER will be. My grandkids have no father,,(no mother now either,I have custody of Chloe, other grand has Lil Josh) She was never a mother anyway,,and things totally fell apart after Josh passed over. Josh was the mom and dad, and this just proves it. I just want to see him standing in my kitchen, digging for food,or see his beautiful face smiling as he is cracking a corny joke. The hole in this family is huge, and the damage is irreversable. Jeremy(my middle son) is permanently emotionally wounded, as he witnessed Joshua's murder.I guess we are at the point where we are trying to figure out how to put the pieces back together, with a HUGE piece missing.Each family members roles have changed.I am a parent, but I am not. I am a grandparent to CHloe, but I am not, because I am raising her. Jeremy is the middle son, but he is not, Patrick just doesnt care about anything. There is no big brother/surrogate dad to call when we need him. Josh helped me raise Jeremy and Patrick, as he was four years Jeremy's senior, and seven years Patricks.I was a single mom when Josh was 16. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Josh and his family stayed all night at my house the last night of his life, Thankgiving night. I still havent changed the sheet on the sofa bed. I dont know if I ever will. I havent allowed anyone to move the chair he sat in at Thanksgiving dinner. I still have a partially eaten pie in the freezer, he was hogging it up Thanksgiving, and the morning after. One of his old shoes is still in the other bathroom, he left it there Thanksgiving night. His suv broke down the day he was murdered, there is a mcdonalds coke cup in the cup holder. I have not went and cleaned it out. Small pieces of an important life that was taken, and I just cannot change them yet. When the time is right,,I will. I just cannot do it yet. I love you all, may you find peace today. Yvonne |
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Karen Wes's mom
IP: 75.162.107.150 Nov 22nd, 2007 - 12:09 PM |
Re: Been a long time
Hi Yvonne, Your post really tuggs at my heart. Thanksgiving must feel so very sad for you and your boys. You leave those small pieces of your Josh be.... forever, if you want to. There is some kind of comfort to be gained from leaving his shoe and the sheets and the cup. Like you said "pieces of an important life that was taken.." Bless you and your boys. Karen Wes's mom |
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TERRY{CEDRIC'S}MOM
IP: 69.153.221.50 Nov 22nd, 2007 - 9:05 PM |
Re: Been a long time
Yvonne I didn't really know what to say but that I know how you feel.I still can't believe my son is gone and I don't understand death yet and mybe I never will all I do is stay inside and think about the good days I had with my son I never had a bad day with him more with my girl. My son loved me so much and know one will never make me smile like he did. So I know just how you feel and I will keep you in my prayers wish it was something I could do to make you,all my sisters happy again. Love Terry{Cedric's}mom |
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