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michele
 IP: 71.97.150.13 Oct 5, 07 - 8:05 AM |
october again
isnt there any way we can just skip this month?? here it is again. i hate october. instead of enjoying the beautiful leaves changing colors and the cool nights and warm days, i sit around sad and depressed. my sons were killed a few days before halloween and this whole month is a sad time for me. every time i see a pumpkin, i flash back to the crime scene. amidst all the blood and horror i found on that day, were two huge pumpkins sitting there, ready to be carved by my sons. they never got to carve them...so pumpkins to me, represent everything that will never be. and everyone in this crazy town seems to think that it would be a good idea to decorate two months early for this stupid "holiday". now everywhere i go i see skulls and tombstones and bloody "decorations". because my sons were murdered so close to halloween, it just seems that everyone is celebrating their death. how terribly depressing. my sons had their skulls smashed with a hammer so as you can immagine, the immages of skulls also horrify me. i have started having horrible nightmares everynight again. i am almost afraid to go to sleep anymore. this time of year never gets better for me. i do have post traumatic stress (as most of you probably do too) and it feels like i just keep reliving the murders all over again. and to make it worse, it will be seven years since i have seen my boys beautiful faces, so everyone has seemed to forgotten and expects me to do the same. i cant. i just cant. i wish i could shave my head and wear all black so everyone would know how i feel inside and maybe show a little extra kindness to me at this time. i have to hide my tears. i go into the bathroom at work and cry so everyone doesnt think i am nuts. sometimes i dont even get to the bathroom and i just breakdown right in the middle of the resaraunt. they usually send me home at this point. but they dont understand. they just want me to go so they dont feel uncomfortable. oh what i would give to see my babies agian for a moment. somtimes i think if i wish it hard enough they will just materialize infront of me...needless to say it doesnt work. i am so lost without my boys. |
michelle brown
IP: 70.134.205.151 Oct 5th, 2007 - 10:05 AM |
Re: october again
hello my sweet friend,i know october is so hard for for you,but what ever i can do or say to help i am here for you,i feel sad my self,i don't need halloween to see evil people i saw one the other day and he smile at me,i hate the hoilday too,michele just try not to look at all that evil mess,i love you,and i thank god for our friendship also!!!my heart hurt's for you,your son's were so very cute,and still are very handsome angel's!!!tony are with them now and all the sweet angel's.....be strong my friend!!tony's-mom |
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Keri
IP: 209.33.233.215 Oct 5th, 2007 - 11:50 AM |
Re: october again
Michel, My heart aches for you so much.I am so sorry that you have to live through these awful memories. I will keep you in my prayers and know you are not nuts ever for the feelings and the emotions you are having many other people wouldn't even be able to hold a job. We are always so hard on ourselves for our thoughts and what we think are out of control feelings. Our feelings are not out of control, they are normal. What happend was out of ou control. And i believe we all are getting through a trauma the best we can. I send you my love and support. Keri |
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Kim/Brandon's mom
IP: 70.249.244.65 Oct 5th, 2007 - 1:03 PM |
Re: october again
Michele, I wish that I knew some way to help you get through this month but just do not have an idea. I experience something similar in December when all I can see is Brandon's last week and last Christmas with us before he was killed on New Year's Day 2004. I can hardly bear to listen to the music and all of the other Christmas stuff but I just can't imagine the pain that you must feeling. I do think that it might be helpful to do just what you did - reach out to your friends knowing that there are others here who understand how you feel and love you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers this month. Hugs, Kim |
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Lorre
IP: 207.200.116.70 Oct 5th, 2007 - 11:59 PM |
Re: october again
Oh Michele, I am so sorry. I didn't realize the timing involved here. How terrible. And all of the creepy stuff out there. How unfair! I NEVER liked Halloween anyway, so I try to focus on the fact that November 1st is all saints day. I'm not catholic but I don't care, I'll take a day that celebrates the good over some ghoul day any time!!! My black month is March. That's when my family was killed and buried a day after my 40th birthday. How's that for a milestone? I insist that I am still 39 as I often feel like my life stopped that week. My prayer for you is that one day you live somewhere tropical that has NO reminders of fall, preferably out of this country to a place where they don't celebrate Halloween. Either that or that you win the lottery or something so that you can just GO somewhere tropical for the whole flippin month. If I were a millionaire, I would send you off myself! I will pray for you and for your burden for the month. Try to focus on November 1st! Love, Lorre |
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michele
IP: 71.97.150.13 Oct 6th, 2007 - 7:33 AM |
Re: october again
as always lorre, you put a huge smile on my face. what a wonderful dream to have...to leave this place for the whole month and come back when it is over. maybe it is just a pipe dream, but what the hell, it cant be any worse than trying to wish my sons back to life. right. that idea just put a huge smile on my face! maybe someday...and as far as all saints day, i am catholic and i do look forward to that day. it is like a cleansing day for me after a long hard month. i went to my husbands church last year on that day (he is methodist) last year and they celebrated it. for those of you who dont know, on all saints day, it is a rememberance for those who have passed. the whole mass is for/about those who have died. i always cry throughout the whole mass. but i dont feel like everyone is looking at me because a lot of people are crying. not just me, for once. i always struggle to hold back my tears in church. thank you for your words of support. love michele |
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Lorre
IP: 207.200.116.70 Oct 31st, 2007 - 9:24 AM |
Re: october again
Hi MOMS, I just want to ask that we lift Michele up in prayer today! Michele, keep picturing those sandy beaches and warm sunshine! We love you! Lorre |
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michelle brown
IP: 70.232.28.67 Oct 31st, 2007 - 4:07 PM |
Re: october again
hello sweet michele,i love you girl!!hold tight to the boy's memories,remember i am alway's here for you!! |
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deb(dwaynes mum)
IP: 121.219.2.47 Oct 31st, 2007 - 6:40 PM |
Re: october again
michele, u are in my thoughts and prayers,what a terrible time for u,may all the angels up above give u the strength to get through. love always Deb mum to ~8~ Dwayne x x x |
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Michelle Villegas *Julio's Momma*
IP: 12.72.23.106 Oct 31st, 2007 - 7:02 PM |
Re: october again
MICHELE, MY HEART AND PRAYERS GO OUT TO YOU. YOU ARE SUCH A LOVEING PERSON, AND IT HURTS ME TO SEE YOU HURTING SO MUCH. PLEASE KNOW THAT ALL OF US MOMS ARE HERE FOR YOU. AND I ALSO LIKE LORRE'S IDEA! I WISH WE COULD ALL GET TOGETHER AND GO AWAY SOMEWHERE... I WISH WE COULD ALL JUST GET TOGETHER!!! ANYWHERE!!!!! I WILL HAVE YOU IN MY PRAYERS, AND I HOPE YOU FIND COMFORT ON NOV.1ST. I NEVER KNEW WHAT ALL SAINTS DAY WAS ABOUT... THANKING YOU FOR SHAREING... LOVE, MICHELLE ~JULIO'S MOMMA~ |
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joann hubert mom
IP: 69.31.155.253 Oct 31st, 2007 - 9:36 PM |
Re: october again
you are in my prayers. joann |
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