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Reese's mommy-Mirenda

IP: 24.220.242.106

Dec 24, 06 - 10:07 PM

Not a Merry Christmas

Hello ladies, it is about 9:40 on Christmas Eve. I am sitting at work alone and in alot of emotional pain. My husband was going to come with me to work but he is currently in jail and I have no idea for how long. I wish holidays weren't so hard. I don't understand why, they are just days that are labled. The hardest thing about Christmas for me is that when Reese was born in October of 05' I was so excited to put up Christmas lights and see his reaction. Not seeing any lights brings back that memory and hurts. We weren't planning on celebrating Christmas this year anyways but I didn't expect to be so alone. I miss my husband and my son. Right now I really do not have anyone. I am nine months pregnant now and not even sure her father is going to be there for her when she is born. I am so scared I am going to end up doing this alone. She is due around the 16th of January. I have already been in the hospital twice for preterm labor. All this stress from my husband not being here with me is really starting to take its toll on me. Tonight is one of the worst nights. At least at home I can make myself go to sleep, here I have no choice but to stay awake and think for 10 hours straight. I only get to see my husband for one hour, once a week. Through a thick window and over a phone. God I am scared. I have been praying so hard to God to keep me strong, but I just can't keep it up. Really, my mental state of mind is so lost right now and getting worse. I am trying so hard to be strong for my daughter, but I am starting to doubt myself. I have noticed I have been telling myself I'm not going to be able to do this alone, I can't take anymore pain. My son's one year anniversary is coming up in February and I don't know if my husband will even be around for that. Most likely not. Chances are very bad. He may be going to prison. Please don't ask why. I love him so much and if he is taken away, that means two men that I love will be gone. Josh, my husband has been there for me every hard time I have had since we lost our son. What am I going to do without him? I am only 23 years old and pregnant for the second time. But I am so lost and truely not sure I can raise our child alone. I have no family around here. And the people I do have here, I wouldn't trust with my daughter. Alot of them are irresponsible and the other reason it is going to be so hard for me to find help is because it is going to be hard to let her out of my sight, I just don't trust anyone here. Ever since I lost Reese, I already knew I was going to end up being way too protective over any future children. But I can not change that. I have lost one child, I can not lose another. I would not survive. Please everyone pray for me and my husband. We both are scared and are unsure about what is to come. We just want our son back, this whole year has been hell for us, as you all unfortunately know.

Please God let Josh out of jail for his daughter and Reese please watch over us all. We love you baby. And miss you with all of our hearts.

Brenda

IP: 152.163.100.138

Dec 24th, 2006 - 10:37 PM

Re: Not a Merry Christmas

Mirenda,

It will never be the same kind of Christmas after losing a child. All the innocents was stolen from us, when our child was murdered.

You need family around you to give you support. You cannot do it all alone. Is there any way you can go to your parents or other relatives?

What state do you live in? Have you checked to see if they have support groups in your area?

I will keep you in my prayers.
Brenda
Wendy forever 21

Reese's mommy-Mirenda

IP: 24.220.242.106

Dec 25th, 2006 - 1:30 AM

Re: Not a Merry Christmas

No, I am stuck working tonight and tomorrow night. All of my family is 100 miles away and I am in North Dakota. There is no one to work and besides, I don't want to take anyone here away from there family. But it really is hard just being alone all night with nothing but my thoughts, I don't even have much work to do to keep busy. I just keep telling myself that I need to stay calm for the sake of my daughter, it is just really hard at times and tonight was one of those times. I lose it at least once a day, but some how I snap back. It has been a few hours and I am doing a bit better. It is still my year of firsts, I just really didn't expect not to have my husband with me. Times have been extremely trying. And sometimes I feel as though I am not strong enough to make it through them. Well alot of the time I feel that way. Right now I have alot happening and alot more stress is making it harder for me. I am really scared. I don't want to be around my family and I just can't reach out to anyone else because one, I still am not ready and two, my situation is so complicated that no one would understand. I have tried to reach out before, many times and it did not work out. People seem like they are tired of hearing about my pain, I just don't understand. I am there for them, but when I need them, they are too busy or don't want to hear it. I am still seeing a psychiatrist/counselor type person, but that only helps so much, but it is something. I really need my husband and my daughter. I am scared that I am going to have her alone. Anyways, that is enough from me tonight. Take care all of you.

Janice

IP: 64.12.117.6

Dec 25th, 2006 - 7:13 PM

Re: Not a Merry Christmas

I am so sorry you are going thru such hard times I will be praying for you and your husband

michele

IP: 71.97.129.97

Dec 27th, 2006 - 8:23 AM

Re: Not a Merry Christmas

dear mirenda,
i am sorry that you are feeling so alone at this tough time. as i told you before, i can relate somewhat to what you are going through, because i too was in a similar situation shortly after the murder of my only two children. i ended up pregnant less than a year after they died and i know that in itself is hard. my daughters father was not there for me most of the time. not due to incarceration, but he was always out drunk or with strippers doing drugs-and to make matters worse anytime i got sick of it and threatened to leave he would threaten that he would kill the baby if i did. so long story short-he simply made matters worse! (just for the record, before my baby was a year old i dumped his loser butt) what i was trying to tell you is that i can relate to the pregnant/greiving MOM/alone thing. but keep your head up. you will pull through. i am very over protective of my daughter. i have no family to help with her and have severe panic attacks when she is out of my sight. but on the up side, i am getting better. i have to force myself to let her do things without me because i know it is not healthy for her. also i do not want to put my fears onto her. baby steps! take it slowly and know that god has a plan for you and he will protect your little girl. i am sorry that your husband is in jail. but if you have to go it alone- YOU CAN! i did it and you can too. it would not have been my CHOICE to do it that way, but that is how it happened and i am doing pretty good if i do say so myself! you can too! and remember what i said before about the hormones making things seem more intense...stay strong for your baby. love michele

Author	Comment
Reese's mommy-Mirenda IP: 24.220.242.106 Dec 24, 06 - 10:07 PM	Not a Merry Christmas Hello ladies, it is about 9:40 on Christmas Eve. I am sitting at work alone and in alot of emotional pain. My husband was going to come with me to work but he is currently in jail and I have no idea for how long. I wish holidays weren't so hard. I don't understand why, they are just days that are labled. The hardest thing about Christmas for me is that when Reese was born in October of 05' I was so excited to put up Christmas lights and see his reaction. Not seeing any lights brings back that memory and hurts. We weren't planning on celebrating Christmas this year anyways but I didn't expect to be so alone. I miss my husband and my son. Right now I really do not have anyone. I am nine months pregnant now and not even sure her father is going to be there for her when she is born. I am so scared I am going to end up doing this alone. She is due around the 16th of January. I have already been in the hospital twice for preterm labor. All this stress from my husband not being here with me is really starting to take its toll on me. Tonight is one of the worst nights. At least at home I can make myself go to sleep, here I have no choice but to stay awake and think for 10 hours straight. I only get to see my husband for one hour, once a week. Through a thick window and over a phone. God I am scared. I have been praying so hard to God to keep me strong, but I just can't keep it up. Really, my mental state of mind is so lost right now and getting worse. I am trying so hard to be strong for my daughter, but I am starting to doubt myself. I have noticed I have been telling myself I'm not going to be able to do this alone, I can't take anymore pain. My son's one year anniversary is coming up in February and I don't know if my husband will even be around for that. Most likely not. Chances are very bad. He may be going to prison. Please don't ask why. I love him so much and if he is taken away, that means two men that I love will be gone. Josh, my husband has been there for me every hard time I have had since we lost our son. What am I going to do without him? I am only 23 years old and pregnant for the second time. But I am so lost and truely not sure I can raise our child alone. I have no family around here. And the people I do have here, I wouldn't trust with my daughter. Alot of them are irresponsible and the other reason it is going to be so hard for me to find help is because it is going to be hard to let her out of my sight, I just don't trust anyone here. Ever since I lost Reese, I already knew I was going to end up being way too protective over any future children. But I can not change that. I have lost one child, I can not lose another. I would not survive. Please everyone pray for me and my husband. We both are scared and are unsure about what is to come. We just want our son back, this whole year has been hell for us, as you all unfortunately know. Please God let Josh out of jail for his daughter and Reese please watch over us all. We love you baby. And miss you with all of our hearts. Website: http://reese-coleman@virtual-memorials.com
Brenda IP: 152.163.100.138 Dec 24th, 2006 - 10:37 PM	Re: Not a Merry Christmas Mirenda, It will never be the same kind of Christmas after losing a child. All the innocents was stolen from us, when our child was murdered. You need family around you to give you support. You cannot do it all alone. Is there any way you can go to your parents or other relatives? What state do you live in? Have you checked to see if they have support groups in your area? I will keep you in my prayers. Brenda Wendy forever 21 Email: Angel2ResQU@aol.com Website: http://www.angelfire.com/in2/Angel2
Reese's mommy-Mirenda IP: 24.220.242.106 Dec 25th, 2006 - 1:30 AM	Re: Not a Merry Christmas No, I am stuck working tonight and tomorrow night. All of my family is 100 miles away and I am in North Dakota. There is no one to work and besides, I don't want to take anyone here away from there family. But it really is hard just being alone all night with nothing but my thoughts, I don't even have much work to do to keep busy. I just keep telling myself that I need to stay calm for the sake of my daughter, it is just really hard at times and tonight was one of those times. I lose it at least once a day, but some how I snap back. It has been a few hours and I am doing a bit better. It is still my year of firsts, I just really didn't expect not to have my husband with me. Times have been extremely trying. And sometimes I feel as though I am not strong enough to make it through them. Well alot of the time I feel that way. Right now I have alot happening and alot more stress is making it harder for me. I am really scared. I don't want to be around my family and I just can't reach out to anyone else because one, I still am not ready and two, my situation is so complicated that no one would understand. I have tried to reach out before, many times and it did not work out. People seem like they are tired of hearing about my pain, I just don't understand. I am there for them, but when I need them, they are too busy or don't want to hear it. I am still seeing a psychiatrist/counselor type person, but that only helps so much, but it is something. I really need my husband and my daughter. I am scared that I am going to have her alone. Anyways, that is enough from me tonight. Take care all of you. Website: http://reese-coleman@virtual-memorials.com
Janice IP: 64.12.117.6 Dec 25th, 2006 - 7:13 PM	Re: Not a Merry Christmas I am so sorry you are going thru such hard times I will be praying for you and your husband Email: silvers85@wmconnect.com
michele IP: 71.97.129.97 Dec 27th, 2006 - 8:23 AM	Re: Not a Merry Christmas dear mirenda, i am sorry that you are feeling so alone at this tough time. as i told you before, i can relate somewhat to what you are going through, because i too was in a similar situation shortly after the murder of my only two children. i ended up pregnant less than a year after they died and i know that in itself is hard. my daughters father was not there for me most of the time. not due to incarceration, but he was always out drunk or with strippers doing drugs-and to make matters worse anytime i got sick of it and threatened to leave he would threaten that he would kill the baby if i did. so long story short-he simply made matters worse! (just for the record, before my baby was a year old i dumped his loser butt) what i was trying to tell you is that i can relate to the pregnant/greiving MOM/alone thing. but keep your head up. you will pull through. i am very over protective of my daughter. i have no family to help with her and have severe panic attacks when she is out of my sight. but on the up side, i am getting better. i have to force myself to let her do things without me because i know it is not healthy for her. also i do not want to put my fears onto her. baby steps! take it slowly and know that god has a plan for you and he will protect your little girl. i am sorry that your husband is in jail. but if you have to go it alone- YOU CAN! i did it and you can too. it would not have been my CHOICE to do it that way, but that is how it happened and i am doing pretty good if i do say so myself! you can too! and remember what i said before about the hormones making things seem more intense...stay strong for your baby. love michele