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Reese's Mommy-Mirenda
 IP: 24.220.243.21 Dec 9, 06 - 11:59 PM |
having a hard time
Well over the past few months, I guess it has been as good as it can be right now. I am going on eight and a half months pregnant with my daughter, Reese's little sister. She and my husband are the two people that have kept me here through out all of this pain and heartache. I have arrainged to have family and friends meet at a church in my old home town where we can all light a candle for Reese. This is my first time doing this. Not sure what to really expect or what to do. As the day gets closer, I find myself losing control of my emotions. As if it was the day I lost my heart. I have writen a small "speach" to say to everyone and every single time I read it to myself I break down. I know I will not be able to make it through the whole thing. I don't know why but I am just getting so worked up about the candle lighting. As if I don't want to do it because it is going to remind me that my baby is gone. It has been ten months since we lost our little boy and I am still having a hard time coming to terms with what has happened. Just recently my husband was talking about suicide. He just kept saying how he wanted to just wake up with Reese in his arms. That was so difficult. I didn't know what to say. Plus I was at work, so I had to wait for someone to come in and cover my shift which only took a half hour but it felt much longer then that. I just wanted to hold him. He was coming in and out of consiousness because he had taken a bunch of pills and that terrified me. What would I do without him? I really can't tell you I could still be strong for our daughter. I just don't know. Things have been alright since then. We have had some really good talks. I still get mad though thinking about it because he wasn't thinking of me or his daughter. I know that may sound selfish from me but because I thought of him, I am still here and hanging on. I would not leave him here alone to deal with our loss. Anyways, today has just been really hard and I know those days will come and go. I just needed to let it out. My heart goes out to all of you moms out there. Please keep me in your prayers as you all are in mine. And to my son, we love you baby so much and everyday that we are able to move forward means that we are one day closer to holding you agian. Keep watching over us Reese, we need you more than ever. |
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michele
IP: 71.97.129.97 Dec 10th, 2006 - 9:29 AM |
Re: having a hard time
dear mirenda, one thing that popped into my head reading your post is that you might want to have a close friend or family member read your speach for you at the candle lighting. i went to something similar at my church shortly after jon and eric passed and i had my friend speak for me as it was too difficult to even go up and say their names. i am sorry that your husband's so emotionally fragile right now. i will pray for him. and you, of course. i was so delighted to hear that you are pregnant. i never picked up on that before. i know that the pregnancy(hormones) might make the greiving a little more difficult, because i too became pregnant shortly after the death of my only sons. (unplanned)not only the hormones but i could no longer take the anti-anxiety meds i so desperately needed!! but i made it!(durring mass on the first anniversary of the murder was the first time i felt my baby kick)i knew that was a sign from god. i would never recommend that someone get pregnant so soon, or imply in any way that the new baby replaced my boys-but my daughter saved my life! i was lost. i had no purpose(i felt)after the deaths. so when my baby was born i named her nia, which means purpose. a greater joy i have never felt!!! she helped to heal the wound in my heart. i still mourn for my sons. but the joy of getting a 2ond chance to appreciate my child with new eyes-just to watch her breathe is pure joy! i never take one moment with her for granted!!god bless you and your family. the first time you lay eyes on your new baby will bring you more joy than you ever immagined existed!! reece is with you honey. you know this! |
Kayt Fossler
IP: 216.98.171.8 Dec 10th, 2006 - 9:54 AM |
Re: having a hard time
Hello Mirenda, There is not one of us here, that doesn't think about ending it all, taking our own life, so that we can be with our children. We have this wonderful site, we have each other, women on a jouney of saddmess, anger,dispare and hope. Our men have noone and they do feel the same emotions we do, only they don't have the support we do. Your husband is obviously in so much pain but has nowhere or noone to show it to but yourself and they don't do that either. A year or so after Wes was murdered, my husband, Wes's stepdad went missing for the day, he didn't say where he was going or why, he just up and went. I really didn't think much about it but later that afternoon he and his friend showed up at the house. His friend took me aside and explained that he and Kyle had gone hiking. They had hiked up to the top of a mountain, one of Wes's favorie places to climb as a teenager.He said Kyle had taken some of Wes's ashes up to the top with them and let them fly. Now for a man with a really bad back that's an act of love!. His freind told me he had just sat at the top, crying, tears streaming down his face, lossened the top of the jar and wispered "Fly free little buddy" When Kyle's 17 yearold daughter ( my stepdaughter)got pregnant, his only comment was "When you lose a child to death, you can only look forward to a new life, nothing else is important. In our own pain we sometimes forget the pain of our husbands who don't show their loss the same way we do, society, won't let them.Yes, it may have been selfish but we all know that sometiimes the pain, just feels too great too much and we want it to all go away. I've been there and at the time I could not think of anyone or anything but the pain that was just too great and I just wanted it to go away. I'm glad I didn't suceed that day. My husband just held me and told me he understood, some of my friends weren't so understaning but the important thing is, I am still here and I am doing fine. I wish the men had a site like this to go to,to vent and holler and cry, they all need it so bad. So dear Mirenda,just hold your husband, tell him you understand. Take care of yourself and that little one you are carrying. She will bring you and your husband great joy and every time you look at her you will see, Reese, tucked in behind her smile, hiding as a showdow behind her eyes. They do all live on. Give your husband a hug for me. You take care of yourself, Reese would want that. Kayt, Wes's mom |
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