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michele
 IP: 71.97.129.97 Dec 8, 06 - 7:28 AM |
keeper of the flame
hello ladies, with christmas (yuk) comming up i know that this will be a time when all of my family gets together. we only do this a couple of times a year. they really are wonderful people. but ever since my jonny and eric died (they do have names) no one will speak of them and if i do everyone starts to wiggle in their chairs. i talk of them every day. speaking of the love we had or funny things we did. so it is only natural that their name would come up. the first holiday my aunt apoligized saying she was sorry she still had a photo of jon on her fridge. wtf? we still talk of other relatives who passed. it feels good to speak of the good times and some of the ornry things they did. it hurts that i get this reaction from my own family. even my husbands family wanted to "sweep the whole thing under the rug." they were ashamed of their own son!( not me! i insisted that all three funerals be together! he was a wonderful person who's brain was sick.)my sons lives mattered and to hear their name said brings my heart much joy!! i was talking to my dad the other day and mentioned eric...he looked puzzled and said "who's eric?". seriously! i told him "your grandson". its like these people think that it will just go away if they pretend it didnt happen.that might be easy for them, but i cant. i still had to come home to their shoes by the front door. empty beds; pokemon cereal waiting to be eaten; children coming to the door, "can your boys play." i read a book this summer written by bereaved mothers. in it there was a poem that went something like this " i am the keeper of the flame, while others hesitate, i say your name..." she was saying how her sons memory was like a candle flame and by speaking of him it kept his memory burning brightly. i will always talk of jon and eric. their lives mattered!! the worst part is that jon's bday is dec 23, which is usually the day we do christmas. dreading SuckFest, mrs. scroodge |
Michelle Simon
IP: 65.196.101.100 Dec 8th, 2006 - 8:02 AM |
Re: keeper of the flame
Michele, I feel your frustration. It really is that certain family and friends are uncomfortable talking about our children who have passed away. It has only been 3 months since I lost my Myles but already people are expecting me to just be "healed". One of my co-workers said just yesterday that well "at least the bad man who killed your Myles is in jail". Well honey if only that just made everything in my life picture perfect. It doesn't. I do think people mean well, I just think they really believe that if your child's name isn't spoken that you won't hurt. Well, only we MOMS know that we hurt everyday, all day but we just learn to live around and through that pain. But know one will ever be able to shut me up about Myles and if you can't speak his name and help me enjoy his memory, then frankly I won't enjoy spending time with you. |
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michele
IP: 71.97.129.97 Dec 8th, 2006 - 8:08 PM |
Re: keeper of the flame
well said michelle!- |
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Tracey (Terrell's MOM)
IP: 141.152.28.109 Dec 9th, 2006 - 3:47 PM |
Re: keeper of the flame
Michelle, Your post is indeed timely that no one wants to speak about our beloved children. My niece recently became a grandmother. The other day we were talking and she said, "I don't know how to say this". I braced myself for the worst, thinking that she or another family member was sick but she said, "the baby looks just like Terrell". I told her how wonderful it made me feel to know there was a family member that resembles Terrell and asked her why she approached the subject the way she did. She said, she didn't want to upset me. Why she would think the mention of my son's name would upset me is beyond me. Then this week, a co-worker asked me if the picture on my desk was Terrell. She told me how handsome he was and it gave me the opportunity to talk about how handsome Terrell thought HE was. I did get a little teary eyed but it was all good. She kept apologozing for making me cry and I kept telling her it was alright. When we were leaving for the day, she came over and again said, how sorry she was for bringing Terrell's name up. I told her she should be sorry because I had forgot all about my son until she brought him up. She laughed because she realized how silly it sounds. I love talking about Terrell and Michelle you are so right....if you don't want to hear me mention my son then I don't want to be around you anyway. Love Tracey (Terrell's MOM) |
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michele
IP: 71.97.129.97 Dec 9th, 2006 - 6:54 PM |
Re: keeper of the flame
tracey, thank you for what you said. it brings comfort to me to know that i am not the only one dealing with these feelings and emmotions. i know it is hard in a situation like ours to know what to say...(i have a hard time coming up with the right words when someones 95 year old grandma dies in her sleep) but how can people be so oblivious to some of the rude and incensitve things that come out of their mouths? what ever happened to common sense? i just do not get this! i do not understand. why am i the one walking on eggshells? in my home i have removed the things from their rooms (for good reason)-it was time. but the photos and artwork and all the "love you mom" notes will remain. i love to look at photos of them alive. it brings me great joy to remember the wonderful times we had together. |
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