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andreas mom

IP: 12.31.255.238

Dec 6, 06 - 7:13 PM

so not doing well

i dont really understand what is going on, but i actually feel worse now than i did in those first years. like so many here, there has been soooooooo much to deal with besides the death of child. my husband was very ill, my daughter was ill, horrible legal system to deal with for the first 5 years, several moves, financial wipe out, unemployment, etc etc etc. i did i think amazingly well, just assumed i was being carried, but since september i am feeling worse and worse. depressed for sure, also not feeling well physically. and i do not have insurance, nor extra income for drs or therapists. and now holidays. i just feel a major crash and not sure what to do. i was able to be so hopeful and encouraging to everyone around me in those first years.........now i have nothing left to give. i am sorry. thank you for listening.

Lorre

IP: 207.200.116.70

Dec 6th, 2006 - 9:08 PM

Re: so not doing well

Dear Andrea's Mom,

I do not know what state you are in, but in Washington state victim's compensation claims are available through L&I for therapists etc. as a result of violent crime. I know that my granddaughter (my step daughter's child) used this for therapy. Perhaps you could secure this for yourself, it is certainly worth checking in to. I sounds as though so much has been going on in the years since you lost Andrea that you haven't had time to be inside yourself. So many external distractions. Maybe you are just now meeing of your grief. Of course you've grieved but it is a much more complicated and long process than anyone would ever believe. And the holidays just seem to make everything more intense. Be gentle with yourself. You need to honor your feelings or you will continue to feel physically knocked out. Let us know how we can help, even it is just to listen. {{{hugs}}}

Love,
Lorre

michele

IP: 71.97.129.97

Dec 7th, 2006 - 7:47 AM

Re: so not doing well

my question too is what state do you live in. i know there is cheap or free medical assistance for low income families where i am in indiana. also with the therapist. you might also consider if you havent alrealdy, contaction "parents of murdered children (P.O.M.C.)" or "compassionate friends" for some extra support in dealing with this tough issue. I would guess that MADD also can refer you to some help. you mentioned being "hopefull and encouraging to everyone around you" in the first years. well, i know what you mean. my sons were only 4 and 7 when they were murdered and there were so many children ( and others) that i felt i had to be strong for. i had to maintain composure for the children. so they would see me and know that everything was okay. well, that is very noble of you but let me say that now is the time to take care of YOU and let others lift you up. i have often read that sometimes people try to rush through the greif process trying to get over the pain quicker, only to have it come rushing back when they least expect it. if this is the case with you, try to remember that you must allow yourself plenty of time to feel what you are feeling. the pain of the holidays is especially hard for someone who has lost a loved one; probably harder for a bereaved parent, because after all, christmas is for kids. so it only makes sense that we would miss our dead children especially so at the holidays. save what little you have to give for you right now and PRAY. we too will pray for you and your daughter. bless you both.

Karen Wes's mom

IP: 12.72.171.136

Dec 8th, 2006 - 5:05 AM

Re: so not doing well

Andrea's mom,

For some reason the game of monopoloy popped into my head as I read your post.

The part of the game where you draw a card that says to go to jail go directly to jail do not pass go do not collect 200.00 dollars.

Not that I think you should go directly back to the beginning of your grief, that is not what I mean at all. You may of skipped over some parts that require a lot more tears. I am the type of person that stuffs down my feelings, I try and squish them back down so they don't get out, fearing they will get away from me, and run loose, unattended.
Since they have not invented a grief meter I worry that I may try and cheat the process in order to obtain what is not there......relief from it.

When you feel like crying do it. If you don't you'll get emotionally constipated like me. Believe me when things get moving, I'm a mess. My highs are high and my lows are way low. I try and blame it on my hormones, but deep down I know I have alot more crying to do.
Life After Loss by Raymond Moody is a good book if you like to read.(well I thought it was good)
I think we MOMS should write one.
Let your tears out, that's what brought us all together.
Karen Wes's mom

Valencia

IP: 167.88.178.70

Dec 8th, 2006 - 12:31 PM

Re: so not doing well

The very fact that you ar here indicates that there is still something left. When we are at our weakest, we still have the strength to make it another day. I feel so lost without my son, and I am sure I always will, but we never run out of hope.

Amy

IP: 205.242.32.198

Dec 8th, 2006 - 1:13 PM

Re: so not doing well

Hi Andrea's Mom,
I can really relate to your post.

About seven years after Elizabeth's death it kind-of felt like I was at "square one" all over again. --right at the holidays, too.

For those years I felt I had "done well" also.(whatever that means, --but I SURE DO understand the feeling!)

At first, I had screamed and cried till I threw up, cried until I couldn't cry anymore - then cried more. I had dealt with police, courts, lawyers, counselors, bill-collectors, and those "well-meaning" friends and relatives. I moved several times, tried different jobs, and different schedules. I tried school, support groups, dating (eventually), and even started my own business at home. I worked compulsively, and did ok financially, but found myself dying inside.

Maybe no one can relate to this, but the truth for me was that I had sustained myself with raw anger for all those years. Hating the man that killed my little girl was something I put so much thought and energy into, some days it was the only driving force that kept me going. It was something that was "Mine", that I could feed and nurture, while still being able to be nice to the people around me! I felt then (and still feel now) that there wasn't a thing in the world wrong with this - that's just how it was, and it worked for me just fine.

Unfortunately, I ran out of gas. I was just exhausted, and hating him didn't help anymore. Without hating him - daily - it's like I didn't know who I was anymore. I was left with just me, my despair, and a daughter that just wasn't coming back no matter how mad I was at the man who shot her.

I guess I have very little in productive suggestions if anyone else ever feels this way...well...except that it is definately NOT the time to start drinking. PLEASE don't do that.
That's the road I took at that point, and if you want to hear how it worked out for me over the next three years, I don't mind sharing, but that's a whole different post. Let's just say, it didn't work - AT ALL.

I guess we live through this period of our grief the same way we live through it all the way through - we live through it, because we don't die. that's all.
We just stay alive, days to weeks, weeks to years, we keep remembering, keep loving them, and keep breathing.

I am new here, so I hope it's oK that I posted all this. I guess I just want anyone who might have felt this to know that they aren't alone, and, Andrea's Mom, I'll keep you in my prayers. Just hang in there, one day at a time.

~Amy, (Elizabeth's Mom)

andreas mom

IP: 12.15.101.66

Dec 8th, 2006 - 1:33 PM

Re: so not doing well

oh thank you all so very very much. i was helped by each of you. and amy, thank you for your posting too. sometimes it helps to hear from those further down the road. no i do not drink, or do drugs, or anything destructive. i have worked very hard to focus on doing things that are healthy for me. still as you well know, it is not easy, as there are many times when i simply do not care.

and as far as the man who killed my daughter, not sure how i feel about him. maybe anger toward him would be good, but for whatever reason, have not been able to have much. just have had to totallly let go of him and put him in gods hands and trust that there will be eternal justic as there will surely not be earthly justice.

however, i am ANGRY about the world, that our children are not safe, that others can be so cold and calloused at a time when we are so needy, that so much had to be ripped away from us at a time when we had already lost so much. i think in some ways, i am just finally in a place where i am *relaxing* into my pain?? does that make sense? i expended sooooooooo much energy in those first years just to survive and to make sure my surviving children and husband survived, and now i know i will, and they will, and so i am now at a place of NOW WHAT!!

and this may sound really strange, but i STILL, after almost 7 years of facing this and feeling this, and believe me when i say i have never been one to stuff or avoid my feelings (even though others often wished i would), but even after all this time and pain and the horror of it all, there is still a part of me that feels THIS CANNOT BE REAL!

i guess what gets me through are that i know she is with me always, that i know i will hold her again, and the love of have for and from my children still here on this earth with me. yet for today, it does not feel like enough. so i guess i will trust that this is where i need to be FOR TODAY. and that i am still healing and still on my right path.

again my appreciation to each of you for opening your heart to me. it helps more than i have words to say. with much caring, diane, andreas mom

Randi-Mark's Mom

IP: 63.195.62.98

Dec 8th, 2006 - 1:46 PM

Re: so not doing well

Hi Andrea, I'm sorry about everything. I really hope you can have some sort of peace soon. I know the holidays aren't the best thing for any of us MOMS, but we will help you get throught it, somehow. I live in CA and there is an organization called Victims Against Homicide, maybe they have something like that where you live. They actually paid for everything I needed and for my family. I'm still in therapy, through my private insurance now. Check it out, I'm sure there is someplace that will help you get some counseling. Also, a lot of churches and hospitals offer free grief counseling.

michele

IP: 71.97.129.97

Dec 8th, 2006 - 9:08 PM

Re: so not doing well

dear diane,
while i realize that this has been a very difficult time for you i must say thatyou are truely BLESSED by not having the intense anger and hatred for the person who killed your child. i do believe that anger can destroy you. and i too was blessed with not becoming obsessed with anger. most people are very angry(rightfully so). i also was blessed with the fact that the person who killed my sons killed himself. i do not know that i would be so forgiving if he were still alive...i agree with what the bible teaches us "judge not lest ye be judged". my ex husband WILL have to answer for what he did to our children...just not to me!! i am not the judge of anyone. our father in heaven is the only judge. sometimes it is hard to feel blessed when one goes through what we have been through. count your blessings and keep your head up. do not let people make you think that you should be done greiving. take it slow. everyone is different!!! be true to yourself!! love, michele

Tracey (Terrell's MOM)

IP: 141.152.28.109

Dec 9th, 2006 - 1:48 PM

Re: so not doing well

Hi Andrea's MOM:

It sounds like you have been running on "E" for the past five months and fumes since September and like Amy said, now you're just out of gas. But just like a car that runs out of gas, it can always be refilled. I know how it is to give and give until there is nothing left. But I'm a firm believer that whatever you give will come back to you. So if you gave encouragement you'll get encouragement, if you gave love, you'll get love. I'm sorry that you have been through so much since Andrea was taken from you. When my son died, I thought that somehow I would be immune to any other trials and tribulations but sadly I found that is not the case. I too have been through court cases, unemployment, sickness and death of other loved ones. My mother used to say, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I have yet to find out what it is I have to be so strong for but I do keep going.

I pray that God refills your tank with the strength you need to continue on this journey.

Amy, I'm so proud that you have gotten to a point where hate no longer carries you through and that you didn't fall too deeply in the pit of alcoholism. I remember hearing Joyce Meyers say that hatred is like taking poison yourself and expecting the other person to die. No one is affected by the poison except you.

God Bless You All
Tracey (Terrell's MOM)

michele

IP: 71.97.129.97

Dec 9th, 2006 - 7:05 PM

Re: so not doing well

tracey,
i just wanted to tell you that you are such an inspiration and that your wisdom always amazes me!! i also wanted to let you know that even when you are not talking to me i always get so much out of reading your posts. you are such an incredible woman.
love michele

connie marchant

IP: 216.166.159.185

Dec 9th, 2006 - 8:36 PM

Re: so not doing well

There is one thing for sure, everyday that we get up and face this world without our precious children and the horrible hurt without them, it is one day closer to being with them. I am a person that doesn't drink but since Justin's death, I have thought maybe I should take up drinking and take care of the scum that changed my life forever myself, and then I realize that Satan is trying very hard to make us all think things and hope that some of us will do the things we think so he can win one more lost soul!
Well I plan on being right next to my son and not by the scum! So I take my zanax and prozac and face another day without my baby!!!
Love to All,
Connie

Amy

IP: 205.242.32.198

Dec 12th, 2006 - 6:02 PM

Re: so not doing well

Tracy,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I fell pretty far into the pit, but today am free of it (for over 3 1/2 years! hooray!). Your statement about hate is one I REALLY understand.

Reading back over my old post I realized that I gave the darkest picture, without much hope....and at that point things were pretty dark for me...but (like it says on the back of Elizabeth's headstone "Never fear shadows, they only mean that somewhere a light is shining") and things did finally change.

The more I read, the more I see that probably alot of you CAN relate to this (I really hesitated to post it, because of reactions I have gotten in the past from other people, and I was afraid) ... the day did come when I finally forgave him - the man who killed my daughter. I honestly wasn't trying to, it just "happened". ...like I said, I ran out of gas.
...and I saw how sick he really was, and I no longer felt like he owed me anything anymore. I was done.

Not hating him wasn't an easy transition for me...and I made it with no grace whatsoever...but I did make it.

I don't want to ramble, and maybe I should have started a new thread? (tell me if I should?) but I wanted to thank you....and follow my last post with a little hope....because things do change. We never forget.....things just get...different.

~Amy (Elizabeth's Mom)

Tracey (Terrell's MOM)

IP: 141.152.28.109

Dec 13th, 2006 - 6:41 PM

Re: so not doing well

Michele and Amy:

You say I inspire you but you inspire me. While the only thing I want to do is God's Will, I struggle each and every day with the concept of forgiveness. I am at a point where I can think of the good memories of Terrell rather than what happened to him so I try not to think about his killers at all. However, when I do, forgiveness is not the word I would use for what I feel. Ususally, the people who talk about forgiveness haven't endured the pain of losing a child to murder, yet you two remarkable women have shown me that it is possible to forgive
the person who ripped your very being right out of your soul. While I refuse to give power to Terrell's murderers to harbor the poison of hate in my heart, I still don't think I forgive them and that is why you ladies inspire me.

Thank you again for your kind words.

Love
Tracey (Terrell's MOM)

Bobbie Humphreys

IP: 205.188.116.200

Dec 13th, 2006 - 7:19 PM

Re: so not doing well

I to cannot forgive the the people who was behind
my child's murder.I wish I could. Ithink Ican forgive
the shooter easer than the one behind the shooter.
They are still out walking around to harm other
childen. I sure wish that wasn't true.My child was
murdered for money.He told us on Sunday before he was murdered on a Friday , his adoped daughter told
him he was worth more dead to them than alive.He
came home that night.he was so hurt.I do hope one day I will be able to forgive them. For now GOD
will have to forgive them.

Bobbie Billy Lee's Mom

Lorre

IP: 207.200.116.70

Dec 14th, 2006 - 3:07 AM

Re: so not doing well

In my case I equate my defendant with evil and to me, he is the embodiment of it. I don't think of him as having a capacity for anything human. He was predatorial in the stalking and murdering of my family members...like a possessed animal. So for me, forgiveness is not as personal. My feelings for him aren't even personal. He is like a "thing" and that thing is evil. I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone? I too leave it to God to forgive him if He sees any redemptive quality in him. I just can't wrap my mind around him as a human. The things he did, I just can't imagine a human being doing. The elements of overkill were beyond any scope imaginable. Something I can only think of as evil. That's my take on my situation anyway. I think we make peace with these situations the best way that we can and I am happy for any MOM who does. For me, this guy has no free rent in my head.

Amy

IP: 205.242.32.198

Dec 14th, 2006 - 1:10 PM

Re: so not doing well

Hi Moms,
The weirdest part of all this is that I had NO intention whatsoever of EVER forgiving the man who killed my daughter.

It was my ex-husband who killed her, about two months after our divorce, and he did it with straight malice in his heart. He was an ex-police officer being prosecuted for an attempt on my life (planted a pipe bomb in the house - that didn't go off, thank God) and hated me for the potential jail- or prison-time he was facing. His intention was to hurt me in the deepest possible way, (this is what was expressed in his suicide notes) and escape prosecution at the same time. It meant more to him than his own life.

On that day, in my mind, he went from man to monster, it was YEARS before I could think of him as human again.

I had no intention or desire to forgive. I felt "who could blame me?" for hating him forever. I was really ok with that. If it was part of what got me from one day to the next, so be it.

As I wrote, at one point I just ran out of gas, (There is definately something to be said for the passage of time....) and then, quite suddenly, and quite suprisingly, I saw everthing differently. Honestly, it "just happened".

I wouldn't want anyone to feel like they "should" have this experience. It'll either happen or it won't, and for sure it'll be in God's time, not ours. As Moms we have a built-in ferocity when it comes to trying to protect our own...when the world does something different, we can't blame ourselves for anything we might feel.

We feel what we feel, and can only give ourselves the freedom to mourn however we will. I am probably WAY out of line, but I say screw anyone who would judge us for our feelings.

We just keep going forward, a day at a time, and do our best to accept ourselves and our reactions to unacceptable circumstances.

~Amy (Elizabeth's Mom)