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Yvonne Sheppard (Joshie Underwood\\\\'s mom)

IP: 71.203.250.255

Dec 2, 06 - 3:33 PM

I have to let THIS out

Moms,
Why was I barking out orders on the phone after my daugter in law called me and told me that Joshua had been shot, and wasnt talking? I called my middle son, who was in the back seat with Joshua, and screamed at him to get in control of himself, and call the police, and give a description of the shooters, and all of that information. I talked to the driver of the car he was in, found out her location(which was way past the first hospital that she could have taken him to) and sent her on to the hospital that had no trauma unit. She was only two or three minutes away from that hospital then. I called my fiancee, who is a retired policeman of 26 years, had him call the sargeant on duty, and have them meet them at the hospital. I called my mother, to have her come and take care of Chloe(my granddaughter) who I was babysitting for Joshua, so that they could go to the movies that Sunday night(and get a little extra time with her). I did everything on autopilot. WHY DIDNT I HAVE MY MIDDLE SON PUT THE PHONE TO JOSHUA'S EAR????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
I went into business mode? Why didnt I think about my son? WTF is wrong with me?? I was a police officer for ten years,,did I just automatically take care of business? SHOCK??? WHAT????
Yvonne

Randi-Mark's Mom

IP: 75.0.189.248

Dec 2nd, 2006 - 8:01 PM

Re: I have to let THIS out

Dear Yvonne, you did what you needed to do and what you felt was the right thing to do. You didn't think to talk to your son, because in no way in your mind did you think you would ever lose your son. You were getting Joshua the help he needed. When we are told that our children have been shot, stabbed or anything else, we NEVER think that they will die. That is the last thing on our minds. You did the right thing, don't ever think otherwise. I know as time goes on, you will think of a million other "what if's, why not's about that day, because that is how I feel too. Your Joshua knows how much you helped him and we all know that too.
Yvonne, when I was told Mark was shot, NEVER in a MILLION years did I ever think my child would die. I hope you know that you did everything right that day, I hope you really know that in your heart. If not now, one day. Just take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up for something you think you should have done. I know it's easier said than done.

Love, Randi

michele

IP: 71.97.129.97

Dec 3rd, 2006 - 8:01 AM

Re: I have to let THIS out

yvonne, i have heard you agonize over this before and i have to tell you that i feel your pain. no matter what you did the night josh was shot, you would still be torn up with the whys and what ifs. that is how a mother feels when her child dies. you always feel like you should have been able to do more! justt think of it this way, yvonne; suppose that you HAD asked to speak with josh instead of directing the others in the car to try to save him...and he still died. then you would be tearing yourself up with the fact that you wanted to speak to josh and if you had only told the others to take him to the hospital...YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD FOR HIM. just know that whatever you did you would still be torn up with the whys and what ifs. you would still feel like you should have been able to do more; that you should have been able to save him because you are his mom. try to allow yourself time to process that. YOU DID NOT MURDER JOSH. YOU should not feel guilt. you are a good mom and there is no way you could have stopped this. all of us have these feelings. do not let them destroy you, because they CAN. the idea that you caused this is a lie. do not buy into it. if you need to blame someone blame the person who shot your son. he is the one responsible. michele

Yvonne Sheppard (Joshie Underwood\\\\'s mom)

IP: 71.236.42.115

Dec 3rd, 2006 - 9:24 AM

Re: I have to let THIS out

Thank you both for your replies. I tell myself over and over just what you two said. In the front of my mind, I know it all to be true. In the back of my mind, the doubts and what ifs kick their way through.
I suppose it IS that we are the moms. Our job is to take care of our children,and we feel like that them being killed is our fault, because we didnt do our job. I know I am not to blame, the murderers are. That bag of poisonous guilt pops sometimes, and the pain of his death clouds my reason. I know we all here feel that way at times.
I had to talk about that yesterday. It has been eating me up for a week or so(his 1st death anniversary was last week).
Thank you so much for listening, and understanding,
Yvonne

Tracey (Terrell's MOM)

IP: 141.152.28.109

Dec 3rd, 2006 - 5:35 PM

Re: I have to let THIS out

Yvonne,

Randi is right, there is no way a mother's brain can comprehend her child will die. As a police officer, I'm sure you've seen many people survive gunshot wounds and your first instinct was to save Josh. That what moms do when their children are in danger and that's what Josh mom the police officer did, she took control. Josh needed medical attention, your son was obvious in shock and the driver in hysterics and you took control and your training was clearly an asset in the situation. I'm sorry Josh didn't survive but it was not from anything you did or didn't do.

Whenever, those nasty guilt emotions try to cloud my head, I wonder if the mothers of the murderers ever feel guilty. I know they don't. The only thing we MOMS are guilty of are raising or trying to raise remarkable sons and daughters that all were destined for greatness. In a crisis, you take care of business so be proud of yourself for what you did. Josh is.

God Bless You
Tracey (Terrell's MOM)

Yvonne Sheppard (Joshie Underwood\'s mom)

IP: 71.236.45.99

Dec 4th, 2006 - 2:37 PM

Re: I have to let THIS out

Tracey,
Thank you so much. I am balling my eyes out writing this. I have been thinking about this so much, and I think I did just what Joshua would expect his Vonnie to do, take care of business. He knew he could always rely on me. I guess my problem is, that I feel like I pushed away my instincts and feelings as a mother, and snapped into business mode, instead of talking to my injured son, I barked out orders to everyone. I guess I feel guilty because I used my brain, and not my heart. Joshua did go into shock after a few minutes, he wasnt moaning anymore when I was talking to Jeremy on the phone. He suffered so much, it is almost more than my brain can comprehend. The most painful gunshot wound is to the chest/abdominal area, from internal bleeding. It took 20 minutes for him to arrive at the hospital. He didnt stop breathing until they arrived in front of the hospital. He fought for his life. He was just injured too badly.
I woke up night before last, tortured as I always am in the middle of the night,,I told myself, Yvonne, THAT was just two hours of Joshua's life. There is so so much more,,forced it out of my mind, and thought about my beautiful, laughing, charismatic son. I havent felt that kind of peace in the middle of the night since this happened! I suppose we are all grief stricken works in progress.
Love,
Yvonne

Kay Crawford momma of Joshua Delaney

IP: 70.33.51.131

Dec 4th, 2006 - 9:05 PM

Re: I have to let THIS out

Hi Yvonne,
I have read with much interests your latest posting. I think all of the MOMS here have guilt on some level. I carry guilt that I was asleep while my son was being murdered not a half mile from me. Why did I not wake up and know something was wrong? My son was shot four times, three times in his abdomen, chest and upper chest, striking his kidneys, liver and lungs, last but not least he was shot close range to his head. I can't stop asking WHY as we all do. What could I have done differently, why couldn't I have saved him somehow. Did he suffer greatly? Why did he stop? WHY WHY WHY? I think you went on autopilot and gave orders that you know could save your son. I don't think there is any reward in trying to second guess what has happened to our children. I try to accept it for what it is................A very senseless commission of murder by animals who are less than sub human for taking our children away from us. And believe me I am being kind to these animals in using the words I have. I hope you know any of us MOMS would gladly have given our own life in exchange to keep our babies alive. I would do anything to get that day back and play the scene out differently. But we can't go back in time can we? People say our children are in a better place, and maybe that is so, they are no longer bothered by the evils permeating every culture of our society, but to me I still would rather have my son here beside me living and breathing and living his life rather than his body six feet under the ground. This will be my second holiday season without my oldest and it hurts daily and then something else will come along to remind me he is no longer here. I do get signs from time to time thought that noone can explain. One being my middle son's stereo will come on when noone is in the room. Sometimes it is only me and the dog in the house, and usually I am thinking of him when it happens. Maybe in reality the stereo has a short, but I choose to believe it is him letting me know he is still around. Look for the signs Yvonne, I'm sure your Josh will send you something and you will know it is him. God bless you on this awful journey that has no end in sight.
Kay

Author	Comment
Yvonne Sheppard (Joshie Underwood\\\\'s mom) IP: 71.203.250.255 Dec 2, 06 - 3:33 PM	I have to let THIS out Moms, Why was I barking out orders on the phone after my daugter in law called me and told me that Joshua had been shot, and wasnt talking? I called my middle son, who was in the back seat with Joshua, and screamed at him to get in control of himself, and call the police, and give a description of the shooters, and all of that information. I talked to the driver of the car he was in, found out her location(which was way past the first hospital that she could have taken him to) and sent her on to the hospital that had no trauma unit. She was only two or three minutes away from that hospital then. I called my fiancee, who is a retired policeman of 26 years, had him call the sargeant on duty, and have them meet them at the hospital. I called my mother, to have her come and take care of Chloe(my granddaughter) who I was babysitting for Joshua, so that they could go to the movies that Sunday night(and get a little extra time with her). I did everything on autopilot. WHY DIDNT I HAVE MY MIDDLE SON PUT THE PHONE TO JOSHUA'S EAR???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I went into business mode? Why didnt I think about my son? WTF is wrong with me?? I was a police officer for ten years,,did I just automatically take care of business? SHOCK??? WHAT???? Yvonne Email: bluangl27o@aol.com
Randi-Mark's Mom IP: 75.0.189.248 Dec 2nd, 2006 - 8:01 PM	Re: I have to let THIS out Dear Yvonne, you did what you needed to do and what you felt was the right thing to do. You didn't think to talk to your son, because in no way in your mind did you think you would ever lose your son. You were getting Joshua the help he needed. When we are told that our children have been shot, stabbed or anything else, we NEVER think that they will die. That is the last thing on our minds. You did the right thing, don't ever think otherwise. I know as time goes on, you will think of a million other "what if's, why not's about that day, because that is how I feel too. Your Joshua knows how much you helped him and we all know that too. Yvonne, when I was told Mark was shot, NEVER in a MILLION years did I ever think my child would die. I hope you know that you did everything right that day, I hope you really know that in your heart. If not now, one day. Just take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up for something you think you should have done. I know it's easier said than done. Love, Randi Email: marksmyangel@yahoo.com Website: http://mark-espinal.memory-of.com
michele IP: 71.97.129.97 Dec 3rd, 2006 - 8:01 AM	Re: I have to let THIS out yvonne, i have heard you agonize over this before and i have to tell you that i feel your pain. no matter what you did the night josh was shot, you would still be torn up with the whys and what ifs. that is how a mother feels when her child dies. you always feel like you should have been able to do more! justt think of it this way, yvonne; suppose that you HAD asked to speak with josh instead of directing the others in the car to try to save him...and he still died. then you would be tearing yourself up with the fact that you wanted to speak to josh and if you had only told the others to take him to the hospital...YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD FOR HIM. just know that whatever you did you would still be torn up with the whys and what ifs. you would still feel like you should have been able to do more; that you should have been able to save him because you are his mom. try to allow yourself time to process that. YOU DID NOT MURDER JOSH. YOU should not feel guilt. you are a good mom and there is no way you could have stopped this. all of us have these feelings. do not let them destroy you, because they CAN. the idea that you caused this is a lie. do not buy into it. if you need to blame someone blame the person who shot your son. he is the one responsible. michele
Yvonne Sheppard (Joshie Underwood\\\\'s mom) IP: 71.236.42.115 Dec 3rd, 2006 - 9:24 AM	Re: I have to let THIS out Thank you both for your replies. I tell myself over and over just what you two said. In the front of my mind, I know it all to be true. In the back of my mind, the doubts and what ifs kick their way through. I suppose it IS that we are the moms. Our job is to take care of our children,and we feel like that them being killed is our fault, because we didnt do our job. I know I am not to blame, the murderers are. That bag of poisonous guilt pops sometimes, and the pain of his death clouds my reason. I know we all here feel that way at times. I had to talk about that yesterday. It has been eating me up for a week or so(his 1st death anniversary was last week). Thank you so much for listening, and understanding, Yvonne Email: bluangl27o@aol.com
Tracey (Terrell's MOM) IP: 141.152.28.109 Dec 3rd, 2006 - 5:35 PM	Re: I have to let THIS out Yvonne, Randi is right, there is no way a mother's brain can comprehend her child will die. As a police officer, I'm sure you've seen many people survive gunshot wounds and your first instinct was to save Josh. That what moms do when their children are in danger and that's what Josh mom the police officer did, she took control. Josh needed medical attention, your son was obvious in shock and the driver in hysterics and you took control and your training was clearly an asset in the situation. I'm sorry Josh didn't survive but it was not from anything you did or didn't do. Whenever, those nasty guilt emotions try to cloud my head, I wonder if the mothers of the murderers ever feel guilty. I know they don't. The only thing we MOMS are guilty of are raising or trying to raise remarkable sons and daughters that all were destined for greatness. In a crisis, you take care of business so be proud of yourself for what you did. Josh is. God Bless You Tracey (Terrell's MOM) Email: tevans405@msn.com
Yvonne Sheppard (Joshie Underwood\'s mom) IP: 71.236.45.99 Dec 4th, 2006 - 2:37 PM	Re: I have to let THIS out Tracey, Thank you so much. I am balling my eyes out writing this. I have been thinking about this so much, and I think I did just what Joshua would expect his Vonnie to do, take care of business. He knew he could always rely on me. I guess my problem is, that I feel like I pushed away my instincts and feelings as a mother, and snapped into business mode, instead of talking to my injured son, I barked out orders to everyone. I guess I feel guilty because I used my brain, and not my heart. Joshua did go into shock after a few minutes, he wasnt moaning anymore when I was talking to Jeremy on the phone. He suffered so much, it is almost more than my brain can comprehend. The most painful gunshot wound is to the chest/abdominal area, from internal bleeding. It took 20 minutes for him to arrive at the hospital. He didnt stop breathing until they arrived in front of the hospital. He fought for his life. He was just injured too badly. I woke up night before last, tortured as I always am in the middle of the night,,I told myself, Yvonne, THAT was just two hours of Joshua's life. There is so so much more,,forced it out of my mind, and thought about my beautiful, laughing, charismatic son. I havent felt that kind of peace in the middle of the night since this happened! I suppose we are all grief stricken works in progress. Love, Yvonne Email: bluangl27o@aol.com
Kay Crawford momma of Joshua Delaney IP: 70.33.51.131 Dec 4th, 2006 - 9:05 PM	Re: I have to let THIS out Hi Yvonne, I have read with much interests your latest posting. I think all of the MOMS here have guilt on some level. I carry guilt that I was asleep while my son was being murdered not a half mile from me. Why did I not wake up and know something was wrong? My son was shot four times, three times in his abdomen, chest and upper chest, striking his kidneys, liver and lungs, last but not least he was shot close range to his head. I can't stop asking WHY as we all do. What could I have done differently, why couldn't I have saved him somehow. Did he suffer greatly? Why did he stop? WHY WHY WHY? I think you went on autopilot and gave orders that you know could save your son. I don't think there is any reward in trying to second guess what has happened to our children. I try to accept it for what it is................A very senseless commission of murder by animals who are less than sub human for taking our children away from us. And believe me I am being kind to these animals in using the words I have. I hope you know any of us MOMS would gladly have given our own life in exchange to keep our babies alive. I would do anything to get that day back and play the scene out differently. But we can't go back in time can we? People say our children are in a better place, and maybe that is so, they are no longer bothered by the evils permeating every culture of our society, but to me I still would rather have my son here beside me living and breathing and living his life rather than his body six feet under the ground. This will be my second holiday season without my oldest and it hurts daily and then something else will come along to remind me he is no longer here. I do get signs from time to time thought that noone can explain. One being my middle son's stereo will come on when noone is in the room. Sometimes it is only me and the dog in the house, and usually I am thinking of him when it happens. Maybe in reality the stereo has a short, but I choose to believe it is him letting me know he is still around. Look for the signs Yvonne, I'm sure your Josh will send you something and you will know it is him. God bless you on this awful journey that has no end in sight. Kay Email: kalycec53@hotmail.com Website: http://www.joshua-delaney.memory-of.com