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michele
 IP: 71.97.129.97 Nov 30, 06 - 7:16 AM |
before death/after death
one thing i have discovered through my own experiences is that i kind of look at my life in two ways:1)before my sons death 2)after my sons death it almost feels as if i have lived two lives. i measure everything according to before or after jon and eric died. it is hard to explain but i have the feeling you other moms understand. right? it is like a twilight zone episode or something. i mean, i know i was there for both but the two different lives seem to have taken place in some different dimension. the life i have now is so completely different than the life i used to have. obviously having a child murdered changes your life, but i never dreamed how it could completely change who i am. and honestly, i must say that i am a sweeter, kinder, more caring person now than i ever was. you would think that my children dying would make me hard and cold but it has done just the opposite! it has opened my eyes up to the beauty in life and what is truely important. i thank God for that! i had a tough childhood which made me quite hard. but this experience has softened my heart, opened my eyes to the spirtual world, and strengthened my relationship with God. for this i am very gratefull. the hardest part of all of this for me right now is that the "before death" part almost seems like a dream or a distant memory. sometimes i wonder, instead of "are they really dead", like in the begining;"were they ever here?" THAT HURTS! often i go look at photos just to confirm in my head that i really did have my boys. i miss them. on a lighter note-i still have my stretch marks:) so it must be real:) peace my sisters |
Michelle Simon
IP: 65.196.101.100 Nov 30th, 2006 - 10:36 AM |
Re: before death/after death
Michele, Myles' death hasn't made me angry and cold either. In fact, I rail against those feelings since I believe they can be destructive and instead of one life taken will result in all of my family's lives being taken away. Also, I really have not changed much since Myles' death. I have always lived life to the fullest, have always hugged and kissed my kids and told them often that I love them. The major difference is that I will sit and stare at my daughter for long minutes up until she says "Mommy why are you staring at me". And I tell her that I am loving her with my eyes dear, just loving you with my eyes. I don't think she gets it but she will go one about her child's play while I stare. |
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Lorre
IP: 207.200.116.70 Nov 30th, 2006 - 12:31 PM |
Re: before death/after death
Dear Michele, I definitely have that two lives thing going on. I had my family for 39 years, 17 and 9 months of which I had my son. It has been nearly 6 years since then, and I feel like a 6 year old. Everything is new and different. Like you I have a deeper understanding of many things and see significance in things that others may blow past. I don't know that I have changed in positive ways but I have learned so much about the suffering of man that my view of the world is certainly more compassionate. And my will to battle evil is very strong. Our previous lives do seem "unreal" just as I am sure this one will when we rejoin our children in Heaven. Dear Michelle, That is the sweetest thing I have evere heard! Your daughter is so lucky to have you as her Mom. Even with your tragedy you continue to fill her with love. You are a great Mom, and I will borrow your saying if it's okay~ God Bless~ Lorre |
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Randi-Mark\'s Mom
IP: 63.195.62.98 Nov 30th, 2006 - 1:28 PM |
Re: before death/after death
I feel the same way Michele, I am living two lives. I couldn't have worded it any better. |
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Kathy "Ty's Mom"
IP: 70.143.42.3 Dec 1st, 2006 - 1:00 AM |
Re: before death/after death
I could not agree more, I also have what seems to be two lives now. The life with my son Ty and my life after his murder. Please pray for Justice with me as the preliminary hearing for the **???!!! slime that murdered my son is scheduled for December 19, 2006 @ 9:00 a.m.. |
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Yvonne Sheppard (Joshie Underwood\'s mom)
IP: 71.203.250.255 Dec 1st, 2006 - 12:11 PM |
Re: before death/after death
I agree totally. EVERYTHING is before and after,,, |
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Yvonne Sheppard (Joshie Underwood\'s mom)
IP: 71.203.250.255 Dec 1st, 2006 - 12:37 PM |
Re: to Myles mom
Michelle, At first I fought so hard against the anger, and did such a good job. The first six or eight months I refused to allow those emotions, as I felt like this was my SON'S time to be honored and loved. I refused to allow the murderers one ounce of my emotion. The fog of shock is beginning to lift, and as I realize my son will never walk back through my door again, and smile at me,,those feelings are becoming more difficult to control. I still fight those feelings as much as possible, but at the same time, I have every right to be **** mad. My son was murdered in front of my middle son,,and was stolen away from his beloved children, who totally relied on him. Like I said before, I fight all the time to keep these negative feelings at bay. It is impossible to do all the time. After many months of fighting for justice, taking care of the rest of my family, now I am just an exhausted pile of grief. I still refuse to place "blame" on anyone other than the two murderers,,because it is wasted energy. That also may change in the coming months. I saw your Myles on his website, he was a beautiful, beautiful child, with a special light in his eyes. Love, Yvonne |
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Michelle Simon
IP: 65.196.101.100 Dec 1st, 2006 - 2:13 PM |
Re: before death/after death
Yvonne, thanks for saying that about Myles. We miss his beautiful smile and his exuberant spirit. He loved his Mommy and Mommy loved (loves) him so, so very much. Anyway, you are right it is hard and extremely tiring railing against the bitterness and anger. Every once in a while I get this extreme anger built up in me and I want to charge down to the Fairfax County City Jail and bash Mohammed Ahmad's face in so that his family won't recognize him at the morgue. And then I get disgusted with myself because then I would be on his level--an animalistic, murderer with no control over myself. |
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