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| Viewing Page 1 of 1 (Total Posts: 10) |
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Randi-Mark's Mom
 IP: 75.2.168.70 Nov 28, 06 - 10:21 PM |
I miss my son Mark.
I miss Mark so much, it hurts so bad knowing what happened to him and maybe what he may have felt. I hope that Mark did not know what was going on and didn't feel any pain. I feel that he did know what was going on by the way he was shot. He must have known. I've been told that our bodies have this wonderful thing called "shock" and they tell me that's what Mark was in and therefore he didn't feel any pain. I had Mark when I was 16, he was my first baby and only son. I loved and still love him so much. Would do anything for him at any time. I get ****** off at myself because I was f****** sleeping when he was being murdered in our driveway. I wish I could go back to that night, I would change everything. Mark's birthday is coming up. He would be 22 on December 29. My son, an angel in heaven, how I miss him. |
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Lorre
IP: 207.200.116.70 Nov 29th, 2006 - 1:58 AM |
Re: I miss my son Mark.
Dear Randi, Of course you miss your sweet boy. I am certain that Mark did not know anything that was happening that night. That he was spared any fear and just transitioned into God's loving light. You are working so hard for justice for him and it tears the wound of losing him open for all of the hurt to be present again. Remember that there is no death where Mark is, and you will be with him again when your journey here is complete. It bothers me too that I slept through my families murders. I did not even know anything had happened until the next day. I do not know how my soul couldn't know such a trauma had occurred. But when I got to the house, I went into "that thing called shock" and was there for about the first 6 months. It all felt surreal, like I was watching it happen to someone else. I am sure it was that way for our loved ones too. I will pray for you and for Mark and hope that you can feel his love for you, as I am sure he feels your love for him, all the way to Heaven. XOXO Lorre |
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Karen Wes's mom
IP: 12.72.180.43 Nov 29th, 2006 - 6:04 AM |
Re: I miss my son Mark.
Randi, I understand your "regret" for lack of a better word, because you were asleep when your dear son was murdered. I feel the same, Except I was awake! Wes was stabbed to death at 4:20 am. I was up packing everything because I was going to leave my boyfriend. I was in emotional turmoil and I wonder if I hadn't been under the influence of relationship problems would I of felt that something terrible happened? I even questioned the bond I have with my son and my love for him. Was it not enough? Did I do something wrong? Why didn't I FEEL him dieing! I understand your post and feel as if I could of said it myself. I know I've had the same thoughts. Did he feel anything, how long until he passed and knew what happened. Some days these thoughts haunt me, some days I'm a little less emotional and put myself at ease by reading about the afterlife. Wes was murdered 2 yrs 4 mo ago. He was 21. Karen Wes's mom |
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Tracey (Terrell's MOM)
IP: 209.158.212.125 Nov 29th, 2006 - 6:27 AM |
Re: I miss my son Mark.
God Bless You Randi: Please don't beat yourself up wondering if Mark suffered because I know in my heart that he and all our children didn't know what happened to them. You speak of a wonderful thing called "shock" that our bodies go through but there is a more wonderful thing called GOD. The bible says, "to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord" so I believe that while Mark's body may have been in the driveway, his spirit was already in Heaven. I can't explain God's way on why our children were snatched away from us so soon but I do know that God loves his children. Whenever I start feeling that Terrell suffered before he died, I think back to when he was little and was toddaling around. I would know he was going to fall before he did and would lift him up and comfort him before he fell. I think that is what God does for his children who are taken by violence. He lifts them up to Heaven before their bodies feel anything painful. God's love also protected you by making sure you were asleep because it would have been even more unbearable if he would have been killed in front of your eyes. You are doing remarkable work in your goal to see Mark's killers brought to justice. Satan is only trying to distract you with these feeling and images of Mark suffering. But you have to put these negative feelings aside and KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING. Sending my love and a big Hug Love Tracey (Terrell's MOM) |
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Michelle Simon
IP: 65.196.101.100 Nov 29th, 2006 - 11:42 AM |
Re: I miss my son Mark.
Oh Randi dear, I wish I could take away the pain of missing your son, but then if I could do that, I would take away my own pain as well. I wish I could tell you that you will stop missing your son one day, but I know that will NEVER be true. I wish that you didn't have to miss your son, but death is part of life whether we want to accept that or not. But I can say that I pray that you, me and all the other MOMS can find some comfort one of these days in the knowledge that our children are still with us in spirit. Also, please don't beat yourself up over something that you could not control. My doctor told me that I had been watching too many movies when I told her that I don't understand why I didn't have any premonitions or physical reactions to my Myles being harmed. And she is right. I too struggle with not knowing that my son needed me. At the hour that he was being beaten to death, I was sitting at my computer, checking e-mails and preparing for an 11am meeting. In fact, I was feeling good about being prepared for the meeting. I walked into the meeting and got the call shortly after 11am on my work cell. I have asked myself over and over, why didn't I call the sitter that morning when every morning I usually called to see how they did with breakfast?; why didn't I put them in a different daycare since I visited many?; why didn't I just leave them in New York with their grandparents until we got settled more in VA? So many thoughts and it comes back to the same thing, that I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY SONS'S DEATH and the person who should feel guilty is sitting in jail pretending that he did not murder my son to save his own sorry behind. But like you too, I wish I could turn back the hands of time even if I could go back to that September 12th morning and call in sick or work from home so that my kids would be home with me. But I can't change or control anything about my child or anyone else's child dying and its the hardest thing I will ever have to accept. |
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michele
IP: 71.97.129.97 Nov 29th, 2006 - 2:25 PM |
Re: I miss my son Mark.
PLEASE BELIEVE ME AND ALL OF THE OTHER MOMS HERE WHEN I SAY THAT YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT FOR MARKS DEATH AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY FOR! everyone needs to sleep! i too have felt like losing my sons was my fault and would bet every mother here has too. the fact is that if you could have stopped it you would have. God bless you and help to heal your heart. |
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Yvonne Sheppard (Joshie Underwood's mom)
IP: 71.236.42.115 Nov 30th, 2006 - 7:21 AM |
Re: I miss my son Mark.
Randi, I have beaten myself up over and over for not sensing something was wrong. I did call repeatedly over to my son's house, because I was worried about my middle son Jeremy, who had just returned from TX ,from his job. Jeremy was staying all night at Joshua's house(two peas in a pod). I have asked myself over and over, why didnt Josh call me???? He always called me when he had any problem with anything. When I found out Joshua was shot, and was in a car being transported to the hospital,,I talked to Jeremy on his cell phone, and told him what to do. WHY didnt I have Jeremy put the phone up to Joshua's ear? He was still alive,,,he quit breathing while lying in Jeremy's lap when they pulled up in front of the hospital. Was revived, was completely lucid, knew he had been shot, knew it was bad, then died in surgery. The nurses told me that they didnt know he had fatal injuries until they opened him up. He was shot in the lung, kidney, liver, and inferior vena cava. The driver of the vehicle they were in, passed right by a hospital FOUR blocks away from where Joshua was shot, and drove him to another 20 minutes away, that had NO trauma unit. The why's will make you insane. They keep me up at night. Sometimes I let it go, and tell myself that it doesnt matter now anyway, he is gone.I cannot change what happened by asking myself why didnt I do this,,why didnt I do that,,why did they pass up a hospital 30 seconds away .... We here all know that if we could change what happened, WE WOULD. The fact is, is that it ISNT our fault someone decided to commit the worst act of violence on our children, murder. It is the MURDERERS fault. They were in control, NOT US. May you find peace today, Yvonne |
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Lorre
IP: 207.200.116.70 Nov 30th, 2006 - 12:40 PM |
Re: I miss my son Mark.
I am so sad and sorry for all of the questions that we ask ourselves. Yvonne, yours about Josh just tore me up. I drove myself crazy for about a month after I found out that Taelor's cell phone was inches away from his hand. I wondered, was he trying to call for help? Was he trying to call me? Was he dying and using his last bit of strength trying to get help...I had to know. Fortunately my Godsend of a detective went back over his reports for me and told me that Taelor's phone was closed and unengaged. So my imaginings were just evil tormenting me. I once read that we don't remember being born even though in some cases it is quite traumatic. That it doesn't matter how we came to life here, just that we are here. It said that death is the same way, our method of arrival is unimportant once we are in God's loving arms. I believe that to be true and encourage all of you not to dwell, as hard as that is, but to know with certainty that our children are safe now. Love, Lorre |
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Randi-Mark's Mom
IP: 63.195.62.98 Nov 30th, 2006 - 1:24 PM |
Re: I miss my son Mark.
oh my god, I can't believe we are all here talking about our children being murdered. I could just get up and start screaming and run somewhere. My god, how the hell could someone take it upon themselves to end our child's life? I know in my heart that Mark is gone, but **** it, I don't want to believe it. I always think of Mark everywhere I go. I remember everything about him, but what is very scary that sometimes I think I may forget. I really appreciate all of you that are here for me, without you knowing exactly what I am going through, maybe I would have been long gone. At times, I often wonder why am I still here on earth suffering meanwhile Heaven is such a loving and peaceful place. I know though that we will continue to be on earth until it's our time to leave. Just seems like it will take forever to see Mark again. I'm going to do something in Mark's memory this Christmas for a child. It makes me feel so good to do these things. Thanks for listening. Hugs to you all, love Randi |
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Yvonne Sheppard (Joshie Underwood\'s mom)
IP: 71.203.250.255 Dec 1st, 2006 - 12:55 PM |
Re: I miss my son Mark.
Randi, I went through the same fear, almost panic, a little while ago, about forgetting my baby. For months, couldnt picture his whole face,,I could see eyes, eyebrows,,parts of his face, but not the whole face. Then one night,as I was trying to go to sleep,,his whole beautiful face came into my mind. I was SO RELIEVED. The fact is,,we will NEVER FORGET! NEVER NEVER NEVER. I remember posting about this a month or so ago (sorry my sense of time is horrible now), and someone here telling me that, and to be easy and kind on myself. You will never forget your Mark. He is eternally a part of you, and your bond of love will never be broken. Love from Tn, Yvonne (Joshua Underwood's Vonnie, Josh called me Vonnie :) ) |
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